ONION HEADLINES



God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: 'No,' Says God SAN FRANCISCO--For as long as he can remember, 7-year-old Timmy Yu has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer to walk again. Though many thought Timmy's heavenly plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true Monday, when the Lord personally responded to the wheelchair-bound boy's prayer with a resounding no.

Media Suffering Through Record Normal Temperatures

Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes

New $5,000 Multimedia Computer System Downloads Real-Time TV Programs, Displays Them On Monitor
HOUSTON--The highly touted "Internet Revolution" took another major step forward Monday, when Compaq unveiled the breakthrough Compaq Presario 6000, a $4,995 multimedia computer system that enables users to download files containing network-television programs and display them on a computer monitor.

New Remote Control Can Be Operated By Remote

Report: North Dakota Leads Nation In Parking Availability

Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid
LOS ANGELES--A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior
NEW YORK--Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times 'On Language' columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is 'Whopper Juniors,'" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying 'passerbys' or, worse yet, the dreaded 'attorney generals.'" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown Taco Bell, ordering "two Big Beef Burritos Supreme."

World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent

Report: Overseas Sweatshops Hurting U.S. Sweatshops
WASHINGTON, DC-- According to a Labor Department report released Monday, foreign sweatshops are seriously diminishing the profitability of domestic sweatshops. "Since January 1999," the report read, "more than 200 U.S. sweatshops have been forced either to close or issue massive layoffs due to unfair competition from Far East sweatshops." Said Bruno Stoops, manager of the Queens, NY, sweatshop Best Fabrics, which employs some 150 illegal Honduran immigrants: "How can I compete with some Hong Kong sweatshop when I'm paying my employees 85 cents an hour and can only force them to work 16-hour days? In Asia, they can produce equally shoddy goods for 13 cents an hour."