| "I'm gonna tell you something and I hope this ain't too crude.....But, well... you might want to cover his ears for this one..." ~ Tracy Shayne |
| "I used to be a lesbian... I mean Thespian!" ~ Rox "Helloooo daktah!" ~ Ashley "I love me too!" ~ Monica "Don't look at me in that tone of voice!!!" ~ Wanda "If you throw a cat out the window, is it kitty litter?" ~ Jamie "If she had a cock ring, would she grow a cock to wear it in?!?" ~ Wanda "Listen, I'm gonna read the paper, and I'm gonna look at the obituaries to see if I'm dead.... If I'm dead, I don't have to be here." ~ Gary "Just don't stick your tounge out at him; he might take it the OTHER way!" ~ Marina "I'm gonna do George with a G; not Jorge with a J" ~ George Hamilton "Yeah, that's Heather - ALWAYS screaming her head off!" ~ MdJ "Never question Distinct Heatherness" ~ Sarah "She's having a Carrasco Moment" ~ Roz on Rox having a hissy fit "Aloha THIS!" ~ Rox as Mama "PEEERRRRRRRRRVVVVVVVERT!" ~ Bibi "I am NOT a super happy funball, okay?!" ~ Me "I am SUCH a whore for that show!" ~ Me, on Chicago "I had the big black hand of God going on" ~ Lisa "SHE is an ungrateful bitch" ~ Donna Lynne "I have felt on my thighs, the raw meat of your love, my love" ~ Emily Skinner in "My Life With Albertine" "It's going to be difficult to do the show with all those screaming teenage girls in the audience.... of course, they'll all be screaming for me!" ~Rob Bartlett, on Backstreet Billy "If it weren't for you true blue devotees helping to spread the gospel of Kander and Ebb... We'd all be dancing around in our underwear at home. Fun, yes, but not nearly as satisfying" ~ Rob Bartlett "I keep blowing church off to see the story of murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultery, and treachery all those things the church is opposed to" ~ Me, on rushing tickets for Chicago "Broken foot huh? The only time I break a foot is when someone punches me in the mouth!" (insert rimshot here) ~ Rob Bartlett, on my broken foot "Sebastian Bach, ladies and gentlemen... MY BITCH!" ~ Terrence Mann "What's up gimpy?" ~ Donna Marie "Shut the fuck up, I'm not there yet!!!" ~ Terrence Mann "Ewwwwweee! He's a man! His boobs.... He's a man..... Wait! Are mine real?!" ~ MdJ "Frisk me! I'm single!" ~ Me, to hot NYC cops "I'm not drunk - I SWEAR!" ~ Jane Krakowski, to me "It was sooooo ghetto!" ~ Laurie Wells, on 'I Got Merman' "Ooooh my GAWWWWWD!" ~ Me and Mama Pawk to each other "Oooh ooh! I'm allllllwwaaaaaays chaaaasing shoooooot giiiiirrrrlll!" ~ Donna Lynne "Maybe I'm on drugs... hmm... Maybe YOU'RE on drugs..." ~ Rox "One good shot deserves another" ~ Donna Lynne "You're only allowed in here when you're working... which is never" ~ Gary, on me working at Patriot "I looooooooove sugar!!!" ~ Rox "It's a gift, Heather!" ~ MdJ "Nothing says 'Happy Easter' like a decapitated marshmallow peep with a Chocolate center" ~ Jessica "Um yeah... Hi 80's!" ~ Scott "Damn them!!!! Damn them all to pink, fuzzy bunny death!!!!!!" ~ Jessica "I know you all have seen Chicago the Movie... and I want to make one thing clear. I do not play Queen Latifah's role... Queen Latifah played MY role!" ~ Roz "Hey Skoochy!" ~ Camille Saviola to Rox "As long as he doesn't wear red jeans, you're better off than I am.... stupid non-embracing gay Fosse dancer." ~ Cindy "The thing is see..... I'm older than I ever intended to be... (*one guy laughs alone*)... Oooh I'm gonna kill myself." ~ Tracy "Oooh she looked like a busted can of biscuits" ~ Scott "Low BROW" ~ Camille Saviola (*rolls eyes and makes a sick face*)"Mmmmm girl, you don't even know!" ~ Michelle Robinson on Melanie Griffith as Roxie *stomps both feet* "GRRRRRRRRRR!" ~ Carolee Carmello "Jeff McCarthy is god and I would FREELY be his bitch" ~ Me "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!!! *jumps up and down* ~ Tracy "It's 11:15am... wake up you dumb slut!" ~ Ash "its like, 'gay boys and lezzies and show queens, oh my!" ~ Sarah, on Michele Pawk at the King Kong Room "Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak" ~ Me to Rox "Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!" ~ Uncle John, about my grandmother "You're lucky cause when you get Chicago-ed out, you can hide. When WE get Chicago-ed out, we still have to come to work!" ~ MdJ "8 years in this show Heather... you don't have to tell me what it means to be Chicago-ed out! Trust me, I know" ~ MMR "You may think you're drunk, but Yukon will make you think you're Jesus!" ~ Mikey "Unless you're sleeping with the bartender, drink em up and get out!" ~ Richter "Oh cmon now.. it's just a fucking pussy!" ~ Me "You're a freak ;-)" ~ DL "Suck it like it's Colin Ferrel's dick!" ~ Mikey "There's something that BONDS you when you're standing behind a car in a dress slipping all over the place and hearing Linda Lavin yelling and laughing at the same time "For the love of God PUSH--- don't fall!! PUUUUSSSHHHHHH!!!!" while she spits snow out of her mouth." ~ DL "She's a cookie cutter of a common bar whore" ~ Mikey "No you don't understand, it's like a fuck you I'm fucking Irish, song." ~ DL "Remember Lilly? She looked like Lilly if she took the blue pill" ~ Me "Oh man! It must have been the stripper today!" ~ Leon "Silver Avenue Q Bracelet: $40, BC/EFA Tote Bag: $5, Seeing Wayne Brady strip onstage: Priceless" ~ Me "Doesn't matter... I'm a big guy... the whole hotel would know!" ~ Leon "Ding dong the bitch is gone!" ~ Me "I'm very fertile" ~ Cindy "Roxane's martini for the people...? WTF?!" ~ Ashley "It's a gag gift... and it's not funny if it doesn't work" ~ Me "If I ever get to the point where I'm swabing his bike for DNA, please have me committed" ~ Cindy "I am completely unsympathetic" ~ Me to Leon about The D Word "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HEATHER!" ~ Matt "Cher has an Oscar..... Cher has an Oscar.... and that's the punchline" ~ Mario "You know, the way I was screaming when Spamalot won, my neighbors must have thought I was having one hell of an orgasm!" ~ Me "Buuuut... your bears aren't wearing any pants!" ~ Gary W. "Who's my cream puff?" ~ Ash "All I can say is thank God I know he's not kinky like that!" ~ Me "You can stop strutting dear, Leon's not here" ~ Sarah "Oh my god! I'm vibrating!!!" ~ Me "He committed mouse-icide!" ~ Sasha "NOW who's been puffing the magic dragon?" ~ Christine C. Read some frightening and entertaining conversations/quotes HERE |