I have always loved children. For years I believed I was sterile,
but one day a visit to the doctor for terrible cramping while beginning
an off schedule period proved to be a warning for a miscarriage. I
was unbelievably happy and though always being a very active person and
taxing my body to the limits I very willingly slowed the pace and
delivered my first son Roger in September of 1966, Raymond
followed in November of 1967, a centennial baby. I had my first
two children and the plan was to raise them to school age then deliver
two more. Life doesn't always go as planned and Ninette was born in
October of 1968. By then I was exhausted and needed some help
which the traveling nurses (VON) were very willing to give. They would come
once a month and take over baby sitting while I got a couple of hours
of uninterrupted sleep.
I was very strict with my children. Denis was
always on the road and I took my mother position seriously. I
refused to threaten my children with words like "just wait until
your father gets home" They saw their father so seldom I
didn't think it fair at all to make them scared to see him return
home. I was raising them, if there were ever punishments handed
out it was I who called it. While Denis was home they enjoyed
their father and always got away with murder. I thought that was
good though, I loved to see them climb all over Denis when
he came home.
Denis and I are free now to do our own
thing. It is time, they are all in their thirties now
and certainly do not need parenting.
On a quiet New Year's Eve
2000 seeing the new year in with my husband and watching the
celebrations on television as we had grown accustomed to over the years.
I realized suddenly that I had four very good friends who lost their
husbands in the last ten years.
Every one of them were ready to start
living and enjoying life and all it has to offer in one short year's
time. Others lost their children to death and still there is a life to
live. When I realized that, a great peace settled over
me. If these women found the strength to go on, what must they
think of me? Their whole life has changed! Surely I
must be wallowing in my own self pity and torturing myself with dreams
and hopes of the impossible.
We will never become a family again in the
true sense of the word. It can never be, too much time has
passed too much respect has been lost. There will never be
trust and without trust there is no relationship. Given this realization
I have finally laid it to
rest I will not look back, for that would be a waste of the
precious time we have left on this earth.
My family ........as it is today, smaller around the dinner
table but finally at peace with ourselves.