Sunday, March 28, 2004 10:23:55 PM
Years ago I started writing, never was it meant to be
published, just my way of getting a grip on a situation.
It seemed as though writing helped me to look at
things from a different angle.
I have to laugh now, it sure wasn't funny at the time,
but you wouldn't believe how often I found my own self at
fault while reading it over. I polished and kept a few
pieces over the years, now when I read back I
can tell how deeply I was affected by each situation.
I thank God every day I was able to climb those mountains
these pieces referred to. I have posted them here,
hoping I can help others in some small way. Even if
it is just to let them know they are not alone.
"Someone, Somewhere has been there before."
I am worth while!
Life goes on.
I am worthwhile!
I have done nothing that will go down in history
as either remarkable or deplorable.
I am one strong link in a chain
that will go on for eternity.
I have not been broken by the torments
nor do I feel that I have weakened
In effect, the trials of parenthood have only proven
to make me a stronger clasp
in the necklace that goes on forever.
A pearl begins as a grain of sand
giving irritation to its environment.
I have become that pearl,
growing because of the irritation
the environment has given me.
Each dust storm has given me another
that adds to the beauty of tolerance,
understanding and kindness
all mothers choose to show
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Life Goes On
I did my best as a mother. You will do as you
think best as a parent, and your child will
certainly know of a better way to raise his
or her family.
Hindsight presents other alternatives to dealing with
any situation, but, as a parent the time factor does not
allow for that type of wisdom. You must work with
the store of knowledge lifes experiences have bestowed
upon you, information from books written by "professionals,"
not necessarily parents, and the so freely given
advise from family and friends. You will most assuredly
customize a general all around approach to your
child and the "moment" from all the
information you've managed to glean, and, hopefully
your own approach will be the most elusive picture of
parental perfection all responsible parents have been
trying to attain since parenting began.
Remember though, always, that the true picture of
perfection is in the beholder's eye. Someday that cherub
you cherished, will think that he or she is all grown up,
and feeling there is something wrong with his or her
image, of course blames the artist.
The picture is repairable, but, why bother? Hang
He or she will be left with an empty palette, and the new
self acclaimed artist will paint his own picture, on his
own canvas, with his own colors, believing in its
perfection until the day comes, and it will come . . .THE
PICTURE HANGS THE ARTIST . . .
and life goes on . . .
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She races down life's hallway
Not taking time to find
What is behind the open doors
Lined up on either side
She only sees what's straight ahead
Not what's around the corner
She was intent on racing there
Although I tried to warn her
She was so intent on doing
Exactly what she wanted
On her way she slammed the doors
And deliberately turned and locked them
Now she thinks she'd like to have
Some of what she's left behind
She's knocking at doors on her way back
But, there is something she has to find
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And the wall stands higher,
thicker more impenetrable than ever.
Built more and more sturdy
with each passing occurance.
Mortared with demands,
cemented with threats,
bricked with ultimatums,
and weathered in tears.
That wall that I have been fighting
for so long has finally taken hold,
and will soon surround me completely.
I will not bend, nor will I climb.
I am ready to assist it's construction.
For now in a sense I am finding
a sort of protection within.
And when that wall is high enough,
wide enough, I may consider climbing
to walk around the top edge,
looking down at all those
who helped me erect it.
My fortress, my storeroom,
full of the love that was
never accepted outside.
I will rise above it,
perhaps alone, but, still a person
who refuses to be led,
told what to say,
dictated how to act,
and when and how to feel.
I am ME,
I do have some deep regrets, and I
will carry them with me through the rest of my life.
I have no way to correct the wrong ...... those people it
mattered to are gone now, but will never be forgotten
because of and in spite of my guilt. I made choices years
ago that seemed right at the time, but now looking back
it wasn't right at all. Those I put first in my life then
were not worth it then nor are they happier for it now. I
have fed ungrateful lusting and hateful minds with the
souls of the good who have gone on before. If only God
had given me the wisdom to make better choices .... but I
can not blame him either for He gave me a mind to think,
a heart to care and a brain to reason it out. I did not
use my assets to the best of their ability and stand now
today here with the heaviest burden a human can carry
.... the guilt of mishandled priorities and the fruits of
wrong choices now taunting me with the realization that I
have made an even bigger mistake than my own parents did!
Rest in peace Mom and Dad... I loved you then, and love
you even more now today in this space of time God has
given us to look back and see the fruits of our own lives
taking root and I too can see the same path turning back
on itself with the footsteps of time marching on and on
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