FBI Background Check
NAME: Thelma Louis (Carne) Keane
ALIAS(ES): Thel, Ms.Keane, Thel Carne, SHE, Sperm-burping Gutterslut, Mom
DOB: c.1925
HAIR COLOR: Black
EYE COLOR: Brown
TATTOOS/SCARS/BIRTHMARKS?: None
MARTIAL STATUS: Married
SPOUSE: William Keane
CHILDREN: William Jr., Dolores, Jefferson, and "PJ"
FAMILY: Found in the Australian Outback and adopted by the Carnes. Pa Carne was a carnival worker and Ma Carne worked at a freak show as "The Fattest Shelias in Western Australia". They joined their daughter in Arizona in 1965 and are still living, unfortunaly.
ARREST(S): March 6, 1930: Refused to eat vegmite.
June 19, 1935: Started a rabbit breeding program.
November 2, 1939: Killed 16 kiwis on a Sunday.
December 23, 1943: Tried to prove to William Keane that gentlemen did not prefer bonds.
February 14, 1949: Broke up a meeting of Roslyn Lesbytarian Church, declaring them hertics to the true Lesbytarian message.
April 8, 1955: Caught smuggling diet pills and selling them at the Reformed Lesbytarian Church of Roslyn.
March 15, 1959: Kidnapped local Amish girl and moved to Arizona. Girl's whereabouts still unknown.
January 2, 1960: Threatened to castrate husband William Keane.
September 18, 1963: Prostitution.
April 5, 1965: Prostitution.
November 8, 1969: Prostitution without a doctor's note.
August 21, 1975: Claimed dingos ate her baby without a dingo's note.
May 30, 1978: Criminal mischief with intent to jest.
October 15, 1979: Corrupted Lisa Foster.
July 4, 1983: Killed the entire National Cartoonist Society.
March 11, 1984: Committed thought crimes.
October 31, 1989: Asssianated the High Priestess of the Liberal Lesbytarian Church.
November 5, 1989: Rigged the election for the High Priestess of the Liberal Lesbytarian Church in mother-in-laws favor.
September 30, 1990: Sold LSD-laced cookies at bake sale.
March 8, 1998: Seduced Angelina Jolie and didn't give us any pictures.
CONCLUSION: I'd do her.
