04.30.09::09:45pm
I can't believe he actually took the big leather chair and the tv! LOL!!! I didn't think he would actually do it... but he did. Look at that. That's pretty funny! ^_^ So now I have no TV in the living room. And I know I have to pay for that class this summer. And I have to wire him the money from our tax return. CRAP CRAP CRAP. That means no TV in the living room for mar for a couple of months. LAAAAAME!!! It's still pretty funny tho.

So anyhoo... I'm watching the SDvsLA game and it's super exciting! Frustrating, but exciting ^_^ OMG Adrian and Nick-ly just had an amazing double play ^_^ We're one down, but we can do it! COME ON BOYS!!!

LOL! So I'm sitting here talking to Rodney about whatever. This weekend is the Pacquiao fight in Vegas and a ton of Filipinos will be in Vegas this weekend. He's a big boxing/fighting guy, so he was telling me how I should just get up and go. I told him I'm not into boxing cuz I have no patience for it. I just don't. I don't get the brutality. I don't get the hitting. I just don't get it. But then I thought about how people must think I'm nuts too. I thought about it... and I probably watch 2 or 3 games a day. I start with the first game usually around 3 or 4pm and keep watching til 10 or 11 every night. That's A LOT of baseball. And usually I'll watch and track a few games at a time. Is that horrible? BLEEHHHHHH.

I just realized that West Coast baseball players are SOOOO much hotter than midwest ^_^ Just an observation. hahhahaha!

Dude. Everyone in my class is marrying other Morse-heads from other classes. CRAZY!!! LOL! So many ROTC couples that I would have never ever ever expected! ^_^ It's pretty cute. LOL maybe me and Yves will end up together. Or someone else super random. With the way that life has been these days, I would not be at all surprised.


04.30.09::03:34pm
SO here I am again. Sitting in my store just hanging out. I couldn't sit at home again because my nap just drove me nuts. That's what I get for drinking wine with a light lunch, I suppose. LOL. But I needed to celebrate and calm my nerves. A little Scrubs, a little wine, a yummy lunch... what more could a girl ask for?!?!? LOL. What a loser.

So now I'm sitting here in my store. Lea asked me to come in so that she could go pick up her kids. So I'm playing mommy/customer and sitting in my lobby trying to make the wait time not so long by distracting customers because I have a one-floor right now. OOPS. What are you gonna do, right? Originally I came in just to pick up my avon order from Julianne. The apple body wash smells like biting into a crisp, cold granny smith apple. YUMMY!!!! And the primer looks good on my hand. So hopefully it does its job ^_^ Product whore once again, ey mar?

But anyhoo... my internet connection keeps cutting out and it's driving me nuts. I'm trying to hold a catch-up conversation with RiceKing and it's not working. BLEHHHHH!!! So now I'm just playing catch up with my two shifts ^_^ Funny stuff going on. hee hee!

Anyhoo... I should really go home and get ready for my meeting. HAHAHHAH I've been saying that for hours! WHOOOOPS. Whatevs.


April 30, 2009
Soooo.. I AM OFFICIALLY DIVORCED! The papers are signed and everything!! Now I can just put all of this behind me and start re-building my life again. But that's whats been in the process right? He's supposed to pick up the car and the TV and the leather chair today. Let's see what happens, right? Then I have to wire him the rest of the money from our tax refund and it's gonna be completely behind me.

It's weird. Like... I know I've been looking forward to it, but then now that I'm in the moment.. it feels very strange. But I guess you just can't make it feel any different, right? I just really really really really want this to be over already!!!

I couldn't sleep last night. Usually I would just wake up in the middle of the night then pass out again. But last night I had this really uneasy feeling. Like there was someone watching me. Or someone in the living room. I just felt another presence and it freaked me out. And I closed all the windows, but it sounded like I was sleeping outside with all of the cars and the trucks and it really sounded like the same truck/growly car would pass by my window every 5 minutes. I'm probably going crazy. But I know what I was hearing. Then as I walked out of my door this morning, I saw that I didn't lock the door last night. Thank God that I was safe all night. Maybe it was my guardian angel trying to wake me to check the lock. I'm not sure. But I'm glad that I was alert all night.

I'm not too sure what to do with the rest of my day. My meeting isn't until 6pm. And afterwards I think my buddies are taking me out for a beer. We'll see what happens, I guess. I dunno... we'll see what happens from here.


04.29.09:3:23pm
LOL!!! I just googled myself and found my friendster profile! HAHAHHAHAHAHHA! I was reading the testimonies that my friends wrote and started dying of laughter! There were only 5, but they were from Ronnie (Rice King, I'm turning 28 and not married!!), Emiggglio, EriKMexican/Pothead, and OSO!!!! (and one from Mike. But that one was boring). WOW. The testimonies were at the time when Brian and I decided to tell everyone that we were preggers. It was a very very very hilarious time ^_^ I must retrieve those testimonies and post them somewhere appropriate. ^_^

Anyhoo, among other things that I found was an article that I wrote like 7 years ago about Corollas vs. Civics. There was also a couple of links to my blogspot. I forget that I referred to this pretty often. I am very surprised not to have seen anything from asianavenue. LOL that's where my namesake all began. And where I met Emil and Erik. And started all the madness! MADNESS!!!! LOL! I don't know where I would be in life without those two. Oh Emiglio... if only you knew how much you've impacted my life because of all the people you have introduced me to. You, mister man, are the bestest popular person I have ever met ever.


April 29, 2009
I woke up today with the intention of finally erasing all of the chalk marker that was covering my sliding glass door. I've turned into a laundry list of stuff that I need to finish (the list includes things like, recycle everything in the bin, dust the living room, clean the patio, laundry, call progressive, call CCC) .... it was a very long list written in hot pink. I didn't want to erase it until I finished everything on that list. Well... one of those things just happened to be dust the apartment. Which I have had NO MOTIVATION to do whatsoever. As productive as I have been in the past month (well... i've been very productive considering the circumstances. I had my heart broken into a million pieces and had every right to lock myself up in my room and not see daylight for a few weeks).... I just didn't have the motivation to clean. And I am a clean FREAK. Dishes in the sink will haunt me. Dust bunnies make me cringe. The thought of germs and bacteria building up around me to invade my body and lungs gives me nightmares.

So it's been pretty bad. The layer of dust that has accumulated in my tiny little apartment is a little disturbing. So you can guess that because I haven't dusted, I also haven't vacuumed. GROSSS!!!!!! Ugh. SO... today... I am on a mission. The front office signed for my computer tower yesterday, so I was determined to give it a dust-free home to return to. =)

So the living room, the patio, and the bathroom (most of it) is clean ^_^ But because I've been living the past month in my bedroom, the bedroom is a much bigger challenge. Sheets are clean, but aside from that, it looks like my closet threw up on everything. The kitchen is relatively clean because the crust from cooking grosses me out and after that bout of food sickness last month, I am determined to never be like that ever again. I still haven't recovered 100% from it yet.

I'm taking a quick break right now just because all of the cleaning has gotten me thinking. And all the movement made me remember the great dream I had last night.

It's nothing exciting. I got a group of friends to go to a baseball game. Nick decided to come too. And we just picked up our FRIENDSHIP, because it was just so natural. We were joking around and just talking and catching up on each others' lives. But the issue of the heartbreak and the relationship didn't creep up in the conversation, because as much as it impacted us both.... the friendship between us was more important. I wanted to know how he was doing in his life. I wanted to know that he was okay and that he was growing up and that he found a place to live and got into a degree program and was on his way to do great things. I told him about my new goals. We talked about everything we used to talk about... but there wasn't that tension between us. It was just Nick and Mar.... back when we used to just hang out and there was no pressure. I woke up from that dream feeling great. Go figure... I also woke up at 2:12am ... LOL!!!!

Did I tell you about that? The waking up in the middle of the night (usually around 2am) because it's still a part of my sleeping pattern?

But yeah. I think the bitterness is gone. After that dream... I want that friendship back. But I'm not gonna push it. I know he's probably still dealing with a lot more than I am. I don't know how ready he is. But somewhere down the line I would like to have him back in my life. You don't let someone that special go. I think I would regret it for the rest of my life if I never acted on that. But... like I said... there's a time for everything. Now is not the time to reach out to him. Maybe in a few months. Maybe in a few years. If he doesn't reach out to me in a timely manner, then I will. I still don't know what I would say (I have a good idea, but not exactly). I still don't know how I would go about it. I still have these fantasies that I'm gonna come home one day and he'll be waiting for me in the living room so that we can talk (he still has a key to my apartment). And like I said... I'm not after a relationship. I know that it's a far-fetched idea that it would ever happen. But I do want a resolution. I want that friendship again.

At one point I didn't even want to think about him anymore. There were a few very angry and bitter days that I wanted to forget about him altogether. This guy hurt me like I've never been hurt before. So... I had a right to feel that bitterness. Anyway... yeah. It's been a rollercoaster.

I want some fresh flowers. Someone send me flowers please ^_^


04.28.09
I was in a funk all day today. It started after a brief conversation with Mijon. She was telling me how her and Roz were talking about how they were really sad that I was leaving. And she asks me "I thought you and Nick were gonna get a house together?!" And that kinda took me by surprise. Apparently, she didn't know that we broke up. So we started kinda talking about it (not really... we just really talked about how she doesn't hear this stuff cuz she only works 3 days a week and she hardly sees me these days.) But it just brought me back to that dark place. I hit a wall. After last night's strange dreams and the consistency of the thoughts of him lately, I just went back to where I was. Maybe I sounded happy last night because I was a bit intoxicated. Maybe.

Because you know... it's the real mar when mar is drunk. Or under the influence. And that being that I don't drink as often as I used to (I drink maybe once a week if that, lately)... my tolerance for alcohol isn't all there. Oh well. It's a good thing, right? I need to get rid of this beer belly, which I was doing really well for a while... but that was also because I wasn't eating. =P

This whole "focusing on myself" thing is so foreign to me. I've always been someone that was always taking care of someone else. I always had someone depend on me or take up most of my time. At points it was my sisters. Most of the time it's been a boy. So for as much as I've been able to do with my life so far... I kinda feel like I could have done more if I had focused on myself and my future a bit more. If I was a bit more selfish, I could probably be where I should be already. But then... would I have had as much fun as I've had?!?!

It's a strange thing to think about, I guess. The big "WHAT IF?" Eh... no use in thinking that right now. I have a lot to focus on these days (including a lot of stuff to worry about at work. I know I've been working my butt off... but then again, it feels like the paperwork just keeps piling up).

I should really be focusing on Thursday. Hopefully I'll get the final decree signed that day. I haven't gotten a hold of Pane yet, So I'm still not 100% sure what's gonna happen if he doesn't show up. GRRR!!! This has been so frustrating and so much of a relief and so confusing that I can't keep my head on straight. Honestly, without baseball, I'd be a freakin mess!!!!

BTW, I was thinking about that today. I spend a majority of my time in front of the computer watching baseball games. Not just the Padres, but I've been watching a majority of games online just to keep up on stats and stuff. Like... if Nick and I were still together, would that still be the case? Because I would definitely want to watch all the games as I possibly could, but then.... would he be okay with that? Would he watch with me or just do his own thing? And I love to spend time with him, so... I dunno. It makes me wonder if I've been watching more games because I don't have him to hang out with, or if that would still be the case if we were still hanging out. I dunno. But the weather has been beautiful, so I know we would have at least have had a couple of picnics. =) <3 Which would kinda leave baseball out. Except... well... we would be home in time to watch the Padres game, at least ^_^ Just because I wouldn't be watching as many games, it doesn't mean that I would miss the Padres games. hee hee!

Anyhoo... just a few thoughts. I'm still trying to figure out which host I wanna use for marfiles. Freakin A... I've been using geocities for 10 years! What now?!?!?!?


April 28, 2009
Last night was interesting. Monday nights have become Cindy and I's Buffalo Wild Wings night. Ofcourse we had the usual visits from James and Robbie. We had a new kid that we broke in last night... Oh Joe... if only you knew what you were getting yourself into ^_^ Finally met Cindy's boy. Happened to be that HotCop was there that night too. All in all... a very supposed-to-be-awkward-night that ended up being pretty swell... EXCEPT... for the Padres losing and the Dbacks winning. =P Crappy day for baseball in marland. BLEH.

I was talking to Brian last night and he told me I was finally starting to sound like myself again. I asked him how, and he said... "you know... like Happy-mar." And again... i dunno if he was referring to the Happy that I was a month ago, or like... Happy from a long time ago. I'm assuming it's the happy that was from a month ago. Because that's the most recent Happy that I was really really happy during a time when we weren't together. Does that make sense? Oh well... it makes sense in my head.

I've been waking up at 2am every night. It's still a part of my sleeping pattern to wake up in the middle of the night so that he could go home. =P I'm absolutely hopeless!

But I have my goals in mind. I just have to re-center. Yesterday was a very unproductive day. And today doesn't feel any different. I did however start the process for tuition reimbursement. And Cindy is gonna take that anatomy class with me. I'm waiting for my packet from the grad school I'm interested in. And I have October 28 set in stone to take the GRE. So... no more hesitating. THIS IS IT. This is my future. Anyone that comes along will just have to follow suit. Because I'm not straying anymore. I'm getting too old to keep postponing my life. I need to get this started already.

Dude. seriously. I'm very proud of myself. But terrified at the same time. I just need a little bit more support, I guess.


04.26.09
So I'm sitting here at 99th Ave. & LowerBuckeye and I've been online for longer than 3 hours today. I don't think SBUX noticed ^_^ YAY! Anyhooo...

I just couldn't be alone anymore. I went to church by myself and it just so happened that I ended up all alone in the whole row by myself. Sad. =P Oh well. I liked the mass tho. The priest is younger and made me laugh and made me cry. So I will most definitely be attending that mass again. =)

I finished listening to the Sox/Yankees game and listened to the Sox SWEEEEEP the Yankees ^_^ At least one team that I'm rooting for is winning (finally!). And the Rockies KILLED the Dodgers today so we're still 2.5 games back. So I'm not too worried. The Giants are creepin on us tho, so that kinda freaks me out.

And I'm game on this occupational therapy thing. ^_^ I'm thinking of taking the online course at ATSU-health sciences. I just need to complete the anatomy course and the GRE and I should be set. DARNIT!!! If I had just dropped Spanish in my undergrad, I woulda had a 3.0 CUM GPA and wouldn't have to take the GRE to get into the program. LAAAAMEface. But yeah... Prospects are looking good ^_^ Anyhoo... I should really go get that GRE book and MSStudent Edition and learn how to make a powerpoint. I'm sure it can't be that hard, right? I NEEEEED to get this down =P Freakin technology. I feel so behind.

SO.... I have my goals set::::
**October/November move to San Diego (HOOOME!!!!!)
**MiniCooper before the big move (decided that it's much cheaper to get the car in AZ. They're a bit more desperate out here ^_^)
**Pass the GRE with flying colors
**Take anatomy and score a wonderful A for my GPA ^_^
**Get accepted into a masters program for OTR

WOW. Clarity. FINALLY. It feels damn good! I had an idea that I wanted to teach/train/be around people that really needed me. And I knew I wanted to be in the sciences... preferably something physiology related. And now... well check that out... I won't have to struggle financially as a teacher and I can actually make a decent living on flexible hours doing something that I can foresee myself loving. ^_^ It's not psychological therapy... I don't sit there and listen to crazy/whiny/annoying people and have to hold their hand through life. I get to push and analyze and help someone get their life back together. And I get to be creative in the process. YAY!

Seriously... I'm really doing this. No stopping me now. Mar finally has a career path? Finally? Maybe? YAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! How exciting! Okay.. . I should really get to borders before they close.

Life is just about to get really exciting and crazy again ^_^


April 26, 2009
I've been looking for a 5pm mass online because I have been designated the new Sunday morning opener. Which means I can't go to mass in the morning, and me living out here in the WestValley, it also means that all the 5pm masses in the area are in espanol. Bleh. Oh well, what are you gonna do, right? So anyhoo, I found a 5pm mass at a Cathedral 15 miles away. I'm not too worried about the 15 miles. That's about how far my church was from my house in San Diego.

Anyhoo, I started browsing the Cathedral's website just to clarify that it was an english mass... And I stumbled upon a tab about "accountability." Curious, I clicked on it and started reading. One particular issue that was addressed was conflict resolution. How God wants us to resolve conflict with each other. It touched on a variety of subjects like gossip, being accountable to yourself and making sure that you don't "pass the buck" and just let someone else handle it. You deal with it with prayer, and understanding, meditation, and resolving that conflict directly with whomever is involved. It just made a lot of sense. It made me think of how much of a wuss I usually am, and how much stronger I need to be. Anyhoo... I really like the direction that I'm taking with my faith. I used to believe that my relationship with God was fine and dandy, and these days I've come to the realization that I've been a bad friend. A bad daughter. And that really does need to change.

Sounds crazy,doesn't it? Or not. Depends on the audience, I suppose. I've just had a lot of time to think lately and instead of filling that time with alcohol and television, I'm actually trying to make good use of the time that I've been granted. =) Hey... look at me! I'm growing up! ^_^


April 25, 2009
In 5 days I will be officially divorced!!!! Crazy!!! Julianne reminded me today how close the days are approaching ^_^ It's still hard to believe how much has happened in the past 2 years. Married, divorced, moved to the desert, got a big girl job. Crazy stuff, huh? The past 5 years have been such a blur. I can't believe everything that's happened! And I can't believe it's almost MAY of 2009! Holy crap! my 10 year reunion is next year!!!!

I went to the gym today =) I figured out that my lungs decided to crap out of me again because I've been craving cigarettes. So I've been relying on the bike to get my cardio in. It takes twice the amount of time to get the same amount of work and calories burned, but at least I'm not heaving and gasping for air. I still get on the elliptical for a few minutes until my lungs can't take it anymore, but for now we'll stick to the bike. I don't know what's wrong with me! But I need to turn up the cardio. Cuz strength training is helping tone, but i'm still jiggly all over. ICK! I never thought I'd get this fat. It's really sad. I need to get back to HS shape. I miss being a 2 =( I know a 6 isn't huge, but it's huge for me. =P

The other night they had this thing on the news on alcoholic/anorexics. About women that take in all their calories in alcohol form. NUTS!!! I love food too much to ever to that to myself. Anyhoo... I have to open, so time for bed =)

I still haven't taken our pictures down. I haven't had the motivation to. =P Is that bad? I love to look at them. BLAH! I'm hopeless, aren't I?


April 24, 2009
I had to get my final onlay today. So I spent the first 2 hours of my day in a dentist's chair watching 50 First Dates <3 My mouth still hurts like a mother, but I checked out the inside of my mouth today and I only have 4 silvers left! YAY! How exciting! For a majority of my life, the whole inside of my mouth has been silver. Now... i have actual teeth-looking teeth ^_^

Anyhoo... I've been perusing jobing.com trying to check out what kind of jobs are at home. I really just wanna transfer back as a barista. I dunno if I wanna do this management thing anymore. It's a bit demanding for something that I don't want to do for the rest of my life. =P I came across an Occupational Therapy position that really piqued my interest. It deals with people and their rehabilitation and helping them to be self-sufficient. =) That's something that I think I could actually do for the rest of my life. I know I want to teach HS Biology, but it doesn't pay much, and since I want a househusband, how would that work? But being OTR would actually pay the bills and it's something that I think wouldn't depress me like counseling would because I would be assessing skills and helping them reach their goals. Not just constantly pulling people out of their ruts. I still need to look into student counseling, but I haven't had a good experience with any counselors in the past, so that doesn't sound too appealing. OTR it is. I should start looking into masters programs. Maybe do Sbux while I'm finishing my masters, right? I can do it. Should be fun! ^_^

And along the way, let's hope that I find my hubbers and get this party started. I wanna get my life really together already. Maybe that's why I was so upset about Nick too... cuz dude... the rest of my life was standing right next to me. But whatever. My mom always told me to get my life together before I thought about all that other stuff. I always did the opposite. I think it's time to really focus on my future... alone or not... I'm gonna have it, right? ((LOL that sounds so depressing!))

I should get to the gym. I haven't worked out since I was sick like a month ago. I haven't been getting fat (cuz the depression cut my appetite and I wasn't eating), so that's a plus. But now that my head is back on straight I've been eating normally and not working out which means the weight is gonna start coming back again very soon. Could be the time of the month thing too.

Which is weird.. because I'm normally supposed to be on my period this week. But I'm not. I think it's because of the depoprovera shot, but I'm not 100% sure. But I've had all the PMS symptoms (bloating, mood swings, acne) so I'm most likely not preggers. Actually... I highly doubt it. We'll see what happens next month, I guess. I don't even wanna think about that right now. =P Anyhoo... GYM TIME!!! ^_^ Gotta get there before it gets crowded with all the ghetto people =P


April 23, 2009
So when I logged in to post earlier, I was greeted with the news that geocities is going down down down down. =( Lame face! I've been using geocities as a host for almost TEN years! TEN YEARS!!! Crazy!!! So now I have to back up all of my posts because everything is getting deleted. LAME.

So the archiving is alphabetical instead of chronological. And everything is in hmtl. Even lamer, right? So I dunno if I wanna go through the past 9 years of posts and edit out all of the html and all of the dead links. Guess we'll see, right? I dunno... that just seems like a very long task. Archiving is gonna take forever!!!! It took me a few minutes just to archive all the aprils and all the augusts =(

Anyhoo... no red sox and no padres today. So it has been a very un-baseball day. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Mainly because I had a chance to finish my laundry. And took a nice, long, hot bubble bath (fresh peach! YUMMY!!!!). and caught up on a few chapters of my book. Cooked some yummy food. took a nap. Did a little research on my mini cooper and was all over a very productive day. ^_^ I'm getting better and better at this! YAY!

So my mini cooper... I found out they have quite a few financing options. I think I'm gonna try to do their special "lease" kind of offer. It basically works like a lease.. so I get a super low monthly payment (around $213-$245) and there's no mileage restriction. It's basically a lease-to-own kinda thing, except at the end of my "term" I have the option of re-financing or just paying the remaining lump sum. We'll see where I am financially to see if I can pay the lump sum. Otherwise, if I do refi, I will be in a better position to because my credit will be much much better at that point =) Like honestly, my other options were to finance the car (which with my current credit rating, I know I would get raped in APR) and my payments would be around $445, or I could do a traditional lease and have around the same car payment (Except I would have mileage restrictions and I would have to return the car at the end of the term). So I think I'm taking the right route. And seeing that option, I actually think I can get my mini a lot sooner than I thought! HOORAY!!! How exciting!!!

My other exciting news:: I checked on my insurance policy today and they finally removed Pane! WOO HOO!!! So my rate went down $200 for the six months which is a HUUUUGE relief for me. That's an extra $400 per year that I'm not paying for him. Now I just need to remove his cel phone and get rid of the garage and i am hooooome FREEEE!!! dude... he's been costing me money even after he moved out. =P It's like paying child support ($85 for the garage, $15 for his cel, $27 for his insurance). Okay... maybe not quite as much, but that's still $127 per month that I'm paying for him to not be around. That adds up after a few months. Dude, that's what I buy in groceries in a month!

It's been a good day. Aside from the slowness at work and my surprise audit by my DM... and the no baseball thing... well... as bad as i should be feeling right now... I'm actually feeling pretty great ^_^

I still haven't taken down the pictures of Nick around my place. Or the ones in my phone. Although I did finally erase all of his text messages... like every single one of them! But I still have all the photos. They don't hurt to look at them anymore. And he's a really good looking guy and we were a really good looking couple. And we had a ton of fun together. Sounds a lot like I'm clinging to it, right? But hey.... I cling to my relationship with everyone I love. It's what I do. And honestly... he made me very happy. I think I'm at that point where I'm no longer mourning the relationship, and I'm just happy that it all happened. Happy to have experienced it.

And if someone special comes along, then ofcourse I'll take most of the photos down. But you know what? I like them up. He was very special to me. He's a part of who I am. Just like I keep pictures of Brian and Erik up. Take me as I am. That's just how it is. I enjoy reliving the memories. Cuz they don't hurt anymore. I'm back to that feeling where it brought joy to my heart to have experienced that kind of love.

I know I should be sad. But I already was sad. I'm over being depressed and weak.


April 22, 2009
Last night I read some of my archives from aug-november 2002 on blogger. DUDE. Wow... I totally forgot how cheesy brian and I were at that time. It was nuts! It reminded me of how deep in love we once were. And now I see why we are still in each others' lives. Cuz that relationship changed us both... for the better =) But yeah... reading through some of that... WOW. I remember how the words just flowed out through my fingertips because I was bursting with these feelings and I couldn't contain them. I remember my sisters giving me so much crap about it... but it was because they could see how happy I was. It oozed out of me.

Anyhoo... It's my day off. I've actually been productive =) I dusted the ceiling fans (i've been meaning to do that for about a year... ick!) I went to target to pick up supplies that I've been meaning to pick up for the past 2 months (hahaha... distracted the first month, depressed the second month. go figger). I finally mailed out all of Pane's mail. And I started my laundry. Cooked for the next couple of days, and got started on the cleaning that I've been trying to do for a couple of weeks. Dude. Breaking up will totally mess with your routine! Talk about being unproductive!

At first I thought it was baseball that was the distraction. That I wasn't getting anything done because I was too pre-occupied watching games and obsessing about stats and what not. Turns out.. all that time that I wasn't watching or was at work... I was just a depressed sack of poo sitting around doing nothing because of the sadness. SAD SAD SAD. I'm better now. Still sad about the whole thing... but at least I can be productive now. ((although, this morning when I was watching the morning show, they featured some military planes/jets/carriers that I knew that Nick would love to go see. I was so close to texting him that he should go check it out. But I didn't. Maybe I'll mention it to Coleen so she can tell him about it.))

Anyhoo... the Pads/Giants game is starting. LOL... erik went to the game last night and it was Filipino heritage night!!! AHHAHAHAHAHA heeeelarious! I hope there's pictures cuz they should be good.

Oh... so okay. So it's super hot in Phoenix right now, so i ran my errands in shorts and a blouse and you know... it was coordinated. Why wouldn't it be, right? I went to my store to get some coffee and my partners made some comments. Like... okay... NM. it's stupid. I just don't understand why it's so out of the norm for people to actually care what they look like. Maybe that's why AZ is killing me... the people just don't care about what they look like... =P It's the Libran snobbery I guess... that and coming from SD.. where people actually look like they care... blech. Okay. Baseball is distracting. I'll write more later ^_^


April 21, 2009
I'm sitting at work. Trying to be productive... because whenever I try to be productive at home, I end up sitting on my behind and getting nothing done. Usually I end up creating more of a mess! Anyhoo... So I'm sitting here. Just not being very productive at all. But at least I was able to finish my ERC (Early Resolution Conference) paperwork for the divorce. So that's one thing down, right? So i just need to send out the rest of his mail. Then next week on Thursday (the 30th!!!!!) we have our sit down meeting to hopefully get everything settled and get my divorce decree. So we'll see what happens after that, right? I'm excited to not have to explain things anymore. It's always an awkward conversation to have when people ask why I moved out here. Then explain why I'm still here.

I need to talk to Charles about moving back. Brian and Bear are on board and are making plans to come out the last week of September to move me back home. I'm debating on selling the furniture or keeping it. It's nice leather furniture... So I should really keep it. But I don't have anywhere to put it if I move in with Charles. We'll see when we get there, I guess. Or maybe I'll just put up an ad on Craigslist and see what happens. If it doesn't sell by the time that I have to move, then I guess I'll keep it. If it does... then that's just more money for the mar to celebrate her return, right? And I really really really don't wanna have to lug all that crap back to San Diego. I'm keeping my bed (I love that bed... time for a new matty tho). Pry gonna try to sell the dining room set. Keepin all the kitchen stuff. And we'll see what the TV situation is after all this is said and done. I don't have a free check until October... and that's supposed to be part of the down payment for the mini cooper. <3 YAY!!! Things are falling into place, right?

I should really be happy. But that cloud still kinda follows me around. I really dunno what to do. I KNOW what to do. But it's like... I dunno. Still lingers in the air, yes? I guess it always will. Cuz the closer that those dates get... (4.30.6.15) I just wonder what could happen. I know I should stop. Cindy told me to stop last night. I mean... I can set it aside. I just can't squash it. It's retarded. My heart does what it wants, I suppose.

At least it doesn't dominate my life anymore. Baseball does these days... but I know I've been relying way too much on baseball for everything. It's become more than a crutch. It's become my everything. And that's not healthy either. Because I know that come October... I'm getting ditched again. =( But I'll have San Diego, right?

Anyhoo.... I should really get started on this pile of work sitting next to me. One task at a time, I suppose. (OH! I faxed all that stuff to Progressive too! So hopefully I'll see a credit to my account soon.... Pane's auto insurance was freakin expensive!)


04.20.09
It's almost midnight and I should really be sleeping because I have to be at work in 4 hours. But tonight was just a very interesting night. They all are these days, aren't they? Well tonight was Dbacks vs. Rockies night. It was originally a big crowd of us going, but ended up being 5. LAME. But the 5 that came along was still good times. =) Cindy and I had some catching up time and I got to know my sissy's bf a little bit better (he's awesome, BTW).

I was texting Doug most of the night. A little strange considering the circumstances... but our conversations mostly consist of baseball and drinking and just life in general. It never really gets to relationships or me and Nick. So it's nice that I have someone to talk to that's kinda local and someone that was originally one of his good friends that actually talks to me. Colleen and I talk too, but she was a friend to both of us. (She's helped me a lot through this too. It's great that she helps me through it without badmouthing him or anything. She's actually very supportive of my decisions and helps me work through the emotional stuff.) But it's weird to talk to Doug, but not at all. Like we have standing plans for baseball. And we're supposed to hang out soon not baseball related. Like... he's fine with it. It's nice. =)

Anyhoo, I've had a lot of beer tonight. Had a lot of grease, and I realize right now that I really really really need to start going back to the gym. My skin and my life in general kinda came to a standstill after the breakup. My life revolves around baseball and around trying to recover from it. It needs to stop. I need to really focus on myself and my own well being. I need to call my dentist. =(

Anyhoo... my research earlier... I talked to Cindy about it briefly, and she told me it was a bad idea. Because it puts ideas into my head and it really does make me look at him a bit negatively. Because I want to understand his point of view better. Like... I want to know that this is really his belief. That he has no choice in the matter... that he really can't love me EVER. But the more Lutheran teachings I read on divorce and relationships... I end up with the same conclusion--- That life happens and that the church understands. That God's grace trumps all. That although what we were doing at the time is wrong and we both needed to stop... that I'm not damaged goods. That I am allowed to love again. That I'm not bound to Pane forever. The church frowns upon it, but it understands. It forgives. GOD FORGIVES because He gave us His son.

But. Nick is a big boy. He can make his own decisions. He really does need to find his path. And like I said before... this is something that will force him to grow up. Something that is tragic.... but will make him a stronger, smarter, more resilient person. And his family... it will be salvaged. It's his family. They love him. I'm sure they have grace. So they will forgive him and things will be good. Honestly... I find it impossible to believe that they can turn their back on him. It's probably just tough love... that they're standiuto live on his own. Because he does need that extra push. And I wasn't able to do that for him. So... now... well... he has that kick in the behind that he really needed.

I'm gonna be optimistic for him. He needs that positive energy. And I'm beyond the point of anger. I dunno... it just felt so wrong to be so angry with him. Yes, he made his decision. But you know what.... I don't blame him.


April 20, 2009
The more research i do, the better I feel about the future. The more I read and the more faith I have, the better I feel about my decisions in life. Yes, I recognize that I have made a lot of bad decisions in my past. God understands those mistakes and knows that I have learned from them. I recognize that I am a sinful person, but taking the necessary steps to make sure that I am taking my life in the right direction. I'm GROWING from my experiences and learning more and more about my faith, myself, and the people that surround me.

I'm growing like a big girl ^_^ I think my mom would be very proud of who I am as a person and how much I've learned and experienced. As much as she would be embarrassed and disappointed in the stupid things that I have done.... All of those things are what have made me into the person that I am. Granted... everything I've learned has been from mistakes... and ideally I should have learned those things by listening to my elders and listening in church and listening and acting the way that I'm supposed to. BUT... you know what? Things happen and I am human. God accepts me and knows that I am a sinner. The important part is what you do with the life that you're living and to make sure that things go well for you (spiritually, emotionally... then financially) and the people around you.

Do i make any sense right now? Because I'm a little distracted. It's been a day ^_^ But I wish that I could fully express everything that is in my heart. My heart... as broken as it has been... is still full of love. And if you know that feeling... it trumps all. I'm not saturated in love like how it was a few weeks ago... but I'm still full of love and that's what matters at this point. The tremblies are back, tho. I'm realizing how much Nick means to me and how much he has changed my life and my views. As small as the window is that we were together as a couple, that small window has opened so many doors and I have learned so much from that experience. My heart can actively love again. He showed me how important a friendship is. He helped me understand about trust and communication. He helped me regain my faith and helped bring me closer to Christ. My relationship with him (and the breakup) is the reason that I actually started reading my Bible again (I haven't read the Bible since I was in high school). All good things came out of that. Yes, it hurts to be apart. Yes, it hurts to know how good it was and then to no longer have it. But you know what? I came out of it a better person. I came out of it knowing more about myself and realization that I am deserving of love.

A few days ago I was determined to forget about him. To cast him out of my life. To repress and deny the love that I had. Now I realize that by doing so I would just be doing what I did after Brian and I broke up.... Just throwing away the lessons I learned and start again with walls up and a cynical view of my future. That's not what I want. That's a step backwards. And I'm getting too old to be stepping backwards. ^_^ That was the misstep that I took with Mark then with Chris. No more of this rebound/drinking away stuff. Running away and drinking to forget. NOPE. No bueno!

Anyhoo... the "research" I've been doing... as crazy and obsessive as it sounds (LOL) has been on the teachings of the Catholic Church and the ELCA.

CRAPOLA!!!! I just had all this stuff added to this post and my internet crapped out on me. (okay. I'm lying. I accidentally disconnected and I lost the rest of my post. LAME!). I'm not gonna retype that. Maybe if I'm buzzed enough later ^_^


April 19, 2009
We had a bridal shower for one of my shifts today. It was good times. I almost don't want to leave ^_^.... hahhahaha JUST KIDDING!!! At this point, I just want to be home where everything is familiar and beautiful and I know that I can hang out with my best friends. And the faster I can get my life started there, then the sooner I can finally get my life to where I need it to be.

This is me running away. I have it good here. Aside from being 350 miles away from the people I love most. Dang. I dunno. Guess I'll live it the way I always have... fly by the seat of my pants and see what happens, right?

Tracy and I finished a bottle of pinot noir today. It felt good. I wanna have that malbec with someone. I just don't know who. Someone that would be able to appreciate it. I should invite buddies over tonight. It's been on my mind. I've just been too lazy to invite people over. I dunno. I need to. There's too much temptation in my place to not have people over. I think I just want company at night. As nice as it is to be by myself for the most part, it gets lonely and quiet. It's weird when it gets dark and no one turns the light on for me. It's strange to come home to no one, or have no one come home to me. Took it for granted, I guess.

Stupid Phillies. =P I can't believe they got a walk off homerun. DAMNIT. But I suppose.... we killed them in the ninth yesterday ^_^


April 18, 2009
It's a freakin emotional roller coaster! Last night I had a dream about him. He came back to me. Asked for me back. Told me that he made a huge mistake and that he finally made a decision that he's content with. Finally took charge of his own life and decided that he wanted me and our dreams together.

I couldn't give him an answer. Because he was 24 hours too late. 24 hours after I made my decision that I was better off without him. It felt weird. But it felt powerful. I felt strong and I knew that I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want him to hurt me more. That I was really over it.

I told Julianne about the dream and she asked me what I would do if it actually happened. I told her I would do the opposite. Take him back in a heartbeat. Hey.... no denying that I still love him. I still don't find fault in our relationship. But like I said... I just need to move on with my life and not think about that. He's doing it. So am I.

LOL... so you know how I was flippin out about not having a computer? Well... last night after I got kicked out of the apt office after Bell struck out the first batter in the bottom of the ninth inning, I made my decision that I needed to really get a laptop. SO I DID!!! hahahahhah! How's that for retail therapy?

Know what tho? I've been thinking about getting one for over a year now. So I just finally did it. Looked up my options online, did some comparisons, and made a decision. YAY! Mar made a decision! I'm happy with it. Now mar is mobile!!! The only downside is that it doesn't have very many options for cases and sleeves. It's a 15.6" and most cases are built for 15.4" screens. =P Oh well... whatevs. I'm sure I'll find one. ^_^ My screen is huge tho! And now that I have a working CD/DVD drive, I finally was able to rip the CD that Nick made for me a long time ago. Nothing special... just music that he felt that I should be exposed to. We shared a CD-RW that we traded music on. But because my tower didn't read CDs, I couldn't share what I wanted to share with him or rip what he gave to me. =P

Everything is good in marland except for my fever and my tower. ^_^ I'm still waiting on lab results from my blood tests the other day. Supposed to learn my cholesterol and all that fun stuff. I'm not really sure what tests Dr. G ordered, but hey.... they haven't called me with any bad news, so we'll see. I just want this stupid thyroid condition to go away =( Maybe my metabolism will kick back up and I can fit into my super awesome SD Padres bikini ^_^

Know what I've noticed tho? I've been sleeping odd hours (3 days I oversleep, 4 days I sleep less than 5 hours). And I need to start drinking more water. Maybe that's where my energy is all going. I need to regulate that, I guess. I'll start making a more consistent schedule and it should be fine. It's the bar nights that are driving me crazy. And sometimes the games run super late and I can't sleep til late for an opening shift. =( Oh well... baseball is always more important, right?

Everyone is finally seeing how obsessed I've become. I explained that because I have nothing better to do, and because I can usually get a good fix from attending a Padres game... when I'm at home, I'm pretty normal. But now that I'm so far away from it, I need it more and more and more. It's my connection to home. It's the only way I can actually feel like I'm there. And I love my boys. They make me feel better. In reality... they actually control my mental health. Remember last year when I was in that horrible depression? Notice how we sucked balls last year? Correlation is not coincidental!

Anyhoo... I'm lovin my new notebook. ^_^ Now I can be one of those irritating people at Starbucks =P


April 17, 2009
So yesterday I was still in a horrible horrible place. But I had a talk with Cindy. Had a talk with Brian. Had a talk with a couple of other friends and heard everything I needed to hear to get on the right path. Got some clarity, got a slap in the face, and some reassuring words.

So here's mar.... again. Not necessarily over the whole thing... because let's face it... we had a WONDERFUL, STUPENDOUS, very loving relationship that just got tossed in the shredder.

So I'm just gonna focus on getting back on my feet. Focus on retaining my sanity and regaining my footing in this world. I'm not on quest to find love again. Just on a quest to get my life back together. First things first? Out of sight, out of mind. Today (by the end of the night...) I will take down all of our pictures in the apartment. There's lots. So that's gonna be tough to do. And the next step is taking down the ones on myspace, facebook, blah blah blah. That will take longer because that's gonna be more painful. =P Sucks. Oh well. Gotta do it eventually, I suppose.

I just came to the realization that this is never gonna happen. So like a good friend drunkenly screamed at me... I JUST GOTTA GET OVER IT ALREADY. Because I do. For my own sanity and to maintain the current friendships that I do have. It's just negatively affecting me now as much as it was positively affecting me when we were good. No bueno. I've never let a broken relationship control me after the break, and I don't intend to have one control me now.

Not to say I'm going to forget. I'm just gonna learn to let the dream go. Goodbye dreams.... you were wonderful while you were around. Sad to let you go, but I need this for my own sake.

Last night I had the weirdest dream about Godzilla. Like... WEIRD. like HOURS long weird. He was after me... but I could hide. I found a mexican wedding. It was in the hills and mountainsides and in the malls and in crazy crazy places. By the end of the dream, Godzilla was talking. CRAZY. And by the time my alarm started going off, I was too terrified of it that I couldn't get out of bed. I really thought that something in the living room was gonna get me. CRAZY. Amanda said it had something to do with an ingrained fear because Godzilla was after me. He hid in the trees! But like... he was only after evil. And although I feared him, in the back of my head I knew that he wouldn't hurt me because he really had no reason to. Like I said... it was a crazy dream. It's still kinda haunting me. Like... I wanna know what it all meant. =/

And today my computer crashed. Like... my hard drive is fried. So I have to turn it in to hp and they're gonna repair it. =( The tech was super nice tho, (hahaha... how desperate does this sound... but he actually sounded cute!) and he sweet talked his supervisor to do the repair for free for me and was totally patient with me while i tried to rip apart my tower.... which... BTW... he broke down how to check everything out. =) So I'm not a complete mess now. YAY!

Lots of news today, huh? See what happens in 24 hours? I think after that low point of the past few days I can only go up from there =) I just needed to realize that it was stupid of me to hold out for something that in the back of my head was never gonna happen. Like... from our last conversation I already knew that we were never gonna be in each others' lives again. To what extent I wasn't sure. But now I'm fairly certain that it's not even gonna be a friendship. I hate that.... because I want him in my life. But... someone told me yesterday that there was a lot of growing that had to be done in order for it to happen. I'm patient... but I'm not gonna push for something that he doesn't want. I dunno... I'm just tired of fighting for it, I guess.

I think I'm just gonna buy a notebook. Screw it. I'm so tired of dealing with my PC. I'll just suck it up and charge it. =P

YAY retail therapy!!!!!

OMG... my spending is getting WAAAAAY out of control!


April 15, 2009
Freakin I can't believe that game! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!!? 4 runs on ONE hit?!?!?! WTF?!??! If I wasn't so depressed right now, I'd be screaming my lungs out.

I had a day off. ALL. DAY. OFF. So I slept in. Late. Showered, got my blood drawn. Did a little shopping. Got Adam's windshield repaired. Did a little more shopping. After that.... I got home. And the rush of depression hit me. Hard. It was the loneliness. And YOU. And not being home. But mostly it was YOU.

I was reading the texts that I saved on my phone from a long time ago. Like... from your birthday a long time ago. And watched as the messages progressed and as our love grew more and more. Then I have the last few messages from our last week together. And I have your last three messages after the last time we saw each other. And I wondered if you erased all of my messages. I wonder if you erased all the weezer and all the dashboard from your ipod. I wonder if you still watch Scrubs (I just finished watching tonight's episode and JD called Elliot his dream girl. Remember when you told me you always dreamed of marrying a girl like me?) I wonder what you do for comfort. Do you still play the piano to clear your head? I wonder how often you sit there and play. How has everything come along with Phoenix? Have you ordered the parts yet? I wonder what you're gonna do with him.

I thought about calling you the day after my divorce is final. So we can talk. So we can see if we can repair our friendship. So that I know that you're going to be okay. I just want to be around you. I wish you could send me a sign or a message (through a friend, through text, on a call... ANYTHING).

I still hurt A LOT. I don't hurt past 6 days. It's been 12. It's not getting any better. The tears still flow pretty frequently.

Yesterday Jesse was asking about you. Remember when you came with me to pick up floor cleaner? So he was wondering who you are. So I told him. "Nick from Sue's store. He was a really close friend. But we had a falling out and we don't talk anymore." It hurts to talk about you. So even when I'm around mutual friends and they want to talk me through this thing, I can't handle it so I change the subject. I make some off the wall comment and just go on with my day. You come up sometimes, tho. Casually... like if something reminds me of you, I say it outloud (most of the time). But only if it was something that doesn't make me cry. I ordered a Guinness the other night and Eric complimented me on my beer choice. I had to go to the bathroom because the tears started welling up. James took our order the other night and I had to tell Cindy how he always made a comment about your birthday being so close to Christmas. Last night Todd was our server and I couldn't help but think about how he was our server the first time we went to Buffalo together. I passed BJs today and I started to sob in the car. I can't handle this.

Today I thought about what would happen if I got sick. I wouldn't have anyone to call. I don't want anyone else to take care of me. Can I call you for that? Would you come take care of me?

I have all these questions for you and I wish you could just answer them. I wish we were already at that point that I can message you and you would actually reply. I really miss you.


April 14, 2009
I felt like myself today. Maybe it was the beer bloat. Maybe it was because I was running on very little sleep. Maybe it was because I'm one day closer to the 30th? I'm not so sure what it was. But I was almost myself again. And I don't know if it's the one that you know that was with you, or before you.

Anyway... I still haven't opened up to the possibility of loving someone else. As much as I play it like I'm putting myself back out there, I'm really not. Just fishing for attention like old times. I don't want anything to come out of it.... at the end of the night, I just want the free drink and the story.

I thought about it today. Like... how would that go if I found someone else along the way? How would it be a few months from now if I met someone that I actually liked and started dating someone else exclusively? And if you somehow changed your mind in those few months and wanted to see me again? What would I do? Do I ditch the new guy? Do I even tell you about the new guy?

You know what? Knowing myself.... yes. I would ditch the new guy. I would tell you about the new guy. Then I would tell you why I liked the new guy. But you know what? I don't know if I could handle being with you again. I've already lost you twice and these past two times have been so devastating and have hurt like no other hurt before. I don't know if I could go through that again. I know I'm strong, but this has been really rough. I would need reassurance that you wouldn't leave me again.... for any reason.

Maybe that's just what I need from you. I need you to be more upfront about it all. Or I'm just not understanding how clear your message was. But that's because I know your heart. Has your heart changed? Have you stopped loving me already? I just wish I could talk to you. But now is not the time. Now can't be the time because of technicalities. (and when you read that, are you arguing with me?) I hate this.

I need to go back to work now. I hate this. I really need to talk to you.


April 13, 2009
SO... just got home from Buffalo Wild Wings. I can't believe that we were there for freakin 5 hours!?!?!? REally???!?!?!? But had some very good company at the time. I made friends with the bartender (p.s. his name is Eric. The one that remembered he served me a Blue Moon that one night instead of a Widmer). I honestly believe that the chick served me a 5Barrel instead of a Sam. Cuz that SamAdams was not good at all. It was super light, not hoppy enough, and just bleh in general. NOT SAM AT ALL.

Anyhoo... Cindy came around 530, like... 5th inning-ish and we finished the rest of the game there. We met Jaeson, a BIG HUGE twins fan, and the Yankee (and his parents). Jaeson was cute... 29 (on saturday), and a little invasive. We'll blame the alcohol. Also met his little bar buddy that bought us a round of drinks... but we won't go into the dirty. =P (yuck) Yankee made for some good conversation. He's Border Patrol... lives in Buckeye... works in Ajo.... and from what Eric (bartender) says... is there pretty often. Cindy needs a new man in her life, and we all know how she loves the uniform!

But the point of the story is not the boys. Actually... it's the fact that baseball can do WONDERFUL things for me! Take me out of this depression and really put my head on back straight. Like... where are my priorities?!?!?!? San Diego (to live, retire, forever be a beach bum) is the ultimate. Baseball (whilst in season, and pre and post) would be secondary. Fambam would be thirdly. The rest... friends, love/relationships, work (in that order) take the backseat. My heart aches. But SD is still beautiful and will always console/love/hold/distract/entertain me like a lover should. Baseball will forever be my passion. And my family will always be supportive regardless of what kind of mess I find myself in. (Speaking of... I called cousin Chuck yesterday and we had a long heart to heart... really eased my mind about things and put things into perspective). Friends will come and go... and true friends will always have your back no matter what (thanks Bear and Bri and sissies <3). And FAMILY will love you and accept you and support you and be behind you 100% regardless of your faults, your sins, your insecurities, and your mistakes.... no questions asked and no hesitation. Work... well... let's face it... work is work. Work will pay the bills. And if you're lucky enough to love your job and the people you work with (as I do), then you're one of the few in this world. Just keep truckin on and on and on =)

The more I talk about you these days, the more I hold back the anger that's developing. I want the best for you. I want you to succeed in life. I want you to be all that you can be, because I see so much potential in you. And I know you deserve the best in life because you work hard for it. You have no idea how amazing and smart and talented and how good of a person you are. I LOVE YOU. But I'm at the point where I don't know where you're at because I haven't talked to you. I don't know how you feel because you don't talk about it. And it makes me (almost) angry because I feel like you're throwing us away. Like it was a mistake. Like it never happened. Like you regret everything. I don't want to be angry with you because that's not how I know you. I don't want to be angry with you because I know that's not something I want to associate with the thought of you. But it's a natural progression of feelings. This is the stage where I am. Where I understand your standpoint, and I see my standpoint and I don't know whether or not we can come to a compromise because you're not here to compromise with me. WE WERE BUILT ON TRUST AND COMMUNICATION!!!!! And to not be able to make a compromise with you just hurts so much. And the hurt comes from YOU. From not having contact. From not being able to see you or hear your voice or not being able to hold your face.

Last night I came to the conclusion that I miss you most because you were my best friend. Not because you were my lover. Not because you were my future. But because you were my FRIEND. Someone that I could trust. Someone that I could call for no reason at all. Someone that could keep me company because they know how far I am from most of the people I love (and the two things I love the most). I feel abandoned. I feel abandoned because of you.

Easter put things into perspective. His resurrection. That God gave His son for our sins. He loves us that much. FOR THE LOVE OF HIS CHILDREN. Easter reminded me that God loves me and will forgive me for my sins. HE LOVES ME. I know we strive for that type of love during this life. And to know that I still continue to love you more each day... regardless of whether or not we're together... it puts things into perspective.

Monday is game night with Cindy and Christine (my sorority sister). Doug should be going. And Kelsey. And Doug. You should just show up. You know where we'll be sitting (somewhere out in right field). It's the Rockies and the Dbacks. i know you'd enjoy the game.

I just want us to be friends again. I know you're not ready. But I've come to the conclusion that even the chance of being friends again is worth staying in Phoenix for. I love you THAT much. I CARE. I want you in my life. Staying in Phoenix is worthit if I can have you back in my life as a friend. EVEN AS JUST A FRIEND. The love that we shared is so special. It's not worth throwing away even for a chance. I love you, Nick. I was serious about everything we talked about... everything we planned. And even if we don't have the relationship that we had in the past... I need to have you in my life because I love you that much. Take whatever time you need. Just know how i feel about you. And don't lost me as a friend. You know that would hurt the both of us for the rest of our lives.


April 12, 2009
So check out Nick's horoscope from today:
You have the sense today to realize that a pet idea of yours may have run its course and one phase is now coming to an end. It's not quite time yet to move on, but it's not too soon to visualize what it will be like once you let go of an old belief or habit. The power of your imagination is strong enough now to enable you to turn a dream into something very real, even if it takes a few more days.

That can go either way, I suppose. Like... what if what we had was strong enough to open his eyes to something different?... like... religion-wise? or "beliefs" I guess. And turning a dream into something very real?!?!? As in... OUR dreams together?!?!?! Then check out his yesterday...

It's one thing to create relationships built upon common trust, but it's a different story when your feelings are changing and you cannot even depend on yourself from day to day with absolute certainty. If you aren't ready to make a commitment, then don't make promises you can't keep. It's better to be honest than to lead someone along by carefully omitting certain topics from your conversations or dancing around the truth.

SO that totally sounds like how he would be right now. =/ But like I said... it could go either way. I think that's what's killing me is that I don't know what's going on in his head. I need CLOSURE or I need HOPE. One or the other before I can move on with my life. Being in suspense is really the part that's driving me crazy! SO... then check out his horoscope tomorrow:

You want to take things at a slower pace now, and finish one job before starting something new. Unfortunately, the current circumstances may not be so accommodating and you could be required to move on to the next project before you are ready. You cannot judge what you should be doing based upon your beliefs. Suspending judgment is wise, but you might also be required to let go of your assumptions, too. You'll be able to return to your old ways next week, if you so choose.

Next week will be 10 days before the divorce is final. And "You cannot judge what you should be doing based upon your beliefs" gives me hope. But I don't know if I'm assuming right. But the further I go into his horoscope, the more of his life I see in it and how it's happening. I just really want to be there for him. =/


April 11, 2009
I'm slowly regaining strength. Slowly learning to cope with the stimuli. Trying really really hard not to be angry (which is the next step in all of this). But today I came to the conclusion that... well... if he's not going to show me that there's still a chance, then I need to learn to move on with my life. If anything, that brief window of happiness that we experienced together has given me hope for the future. I still can't take our photos down. That's the part that's going to be the hardest. But I know that it's a necessary step in the process. I'm just not ready to fully let go of what little chance we have of ending up together again. Maybe when my divorce is fully finalized, then I'll talk to him. Because if I talk to him right now, I know what his answer will be. But who knows what the circumstance will be when I'm actually divorced, right?

Maybe our talk can be smoother once all of that is settled. Because if we talk now... I know what I'll want to ask. Is there a chance of us to be together? He's going to say 'NO' because if he says 'yes' then that would mean we're going to wait for each other. Which in this case would still be considered adultery. Do you still love me? He'll avoid answering. Because this is what's tearing him apart. If I do receive an answer, it would be along the lines of 'I can't.' How are your parents? How is the search for your own place going? Are you gonna take up Coleen's job offer? What did you decide to do with Phoenix? Did you hear back from NAU? I care about his well being. I want him to thrive. I want the best for him. I know this whole ordeal is forcing him to grow up, but was it worthit? We can still run away. I thought about it. I was so close to doing it this past week but I put my head back on straight.

I want to state my case. About how the Church feels about my divorce. About how the Church feels and how I've interpreted things. I know I've made a lot of wrong decisions. But I know that God forgives me for them because I see the error of my ways. But I also believe that David is right when he says that God's way is love. It's one of those things that I know in my heart is right. You know it feels right. WE FEEL RIGHT.

At the very least, I want closure. If there is absolutely no chance for us to ever ever ever be together again, then I want to know. I want to know because it's not worthit for me to stay here in Phoenix. I don't want to be the stupid girl that clings on for dear life to something that will never happen. I'm willing to fight if you give me a chance to. If there's something to cling to... even a slight bit of hope that a year or so from now that we can maybe pick up where we left off, then I'll fight. You used to say that you would fight for me. You used to say that you would give up everything for me. For US. For the future that we planned together. I don't want to believe that you're a liar. I don't want to believe that you didn't really love me in the first place. I made you promise to never stop telling me you love me. Tell me the truth. The truth that you feel in your heart, not the one that your brain tells you to tell.

I'm not asking for your soul. I'm not asking you to give up all of your beliefs. I'm asking you to have an open mind. I understand your side. I can see how your religion interprets His words. But please understand my religion, and our standards. We read the same Bible. We worship the same God. We believe in Him and His teachings. So why are we at such different ends of the spectrum? I know that I may not have had such a religious upbringing because my parents were much more lenient. But I believe that I am a good person. I still believe that I will be permitted into heaven, despite my sins and despite my errors. God gave us Jesus because He knew we would commit these mistakes. He KNEW. And He knows that once we realize our sins that we need to repent and make things right. But that's the gray area where we are right now. Because Catholics believe that if you're not wed in the Church, or if you were wed to a non-believer, that the marriage does not exist in their eyes. And even in some cases, an annullment can be granted. And when Pane does take another wife, or when he does engage in sexual acts with another woman (which undoubtedly will happen), then what? Am I free? And he did abandon me. I asked him to, but he didn't fight it either. So does that count as abandonment? The Bible says that if the non-believer chooses to leave, then the believer is free. It's as if it never happened. And God created marriage to pro-create and for the parents to teach their kids how to love God and follow his words.

These are tricky times we live in. I know you understand that. So I need you to understand where I'm coming from too. Please don't throw our love away.


April 10, 2009
David invited me over last night for beers and a talk. I accepted. He's one of the few people that know the both of us, so I knew he would understand what was going on and just know what to do with me. So him and Zack made me drink. Zach had his girls over and it made me realize how much I want to be a parent. It made me think of Benjamin James and Brooke and Hailey. Those two kids were NUTS, tho. Like... crazy kids on sugar (hahahahah! Easter baskets before bedtime. good one, buddy). Anyhoo... i "drunk" text Nick. It just said "Drunk text. pls ignore. I need to talk to you. I'm so sorry for everything =( I hope you figure things out. I'm sorry." Simple as that. But I don't know how much damage it did. I realized later that it was sent at 11:11. That part was an accident... ish.

I'm back in Phoenix. (obviously) and I'm supposed to be working today. But I can't bring myself to go. So I'm trying to get it covered. I just can't work right now. I don't want to. I want to just stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I just want the world to go away until he comes back to me. We should've just run away when he said to. At least we would have each other. That's enough for me.

I honestly don't know what to do. I want to fight for him, but I don't know how appropriate that would be. I don't know whether or not he wants me to. I don't know. Maybe I should just wait until he gets his life together first. But I want to be there for him and help him through this time of his life. This is the time he needs me the most and I can't be there for him.

I had a dream last night that I found out that i was 6 months preggers. ANd I wasn't sure if I would tell him or not. I'm still not sure if I would tell him if I found out. Because it would bring him back into my life, but I don't know if I want him back in my life under those circumstances. It would feel manipulative.

So should I fight? Should I stay? Should I go? What should I do? If I asked him right now, he would tell me to flee. That if I have a chance to go back home that I should. He would tell me not to fight for us. But then again... that wouldn't be his heart talking. That would be his head talking. He's rationalized it all already. He's trying to be strong and not let his heart control him. I know him. I know he's doing that. I know that because I'm doing the same thing. I'm leaving him alone because I understand his argument. I respect his decision and his way of life so I'm letting him make his own decisions. Kalani asked him what I would be losing in all of this....

Because he lost his parents, his home, and his car, and me. I lost my future. Now I don't know how that's all weighted in all of this. I feel bad that everyone is feeling like I'm the victim in this. But he's suffering much more. Coleen said that she would offer him a job if he needed it. I know he's going to need it. He's in a position where he's beginning to realize how much it really costs to live on your own... having to buy shampoo and toilet paper and food and budget every month.

He's growing up because of this, right? And that's what he wanted, right? I guess I just need to know that he doesn't regret his decision.

That's so much to ask, tho. He's got enough on his mind. I don't need to bother him right now. I just want everything to work out for him. I hope he gets it figured out soon. I hope he gets into NAU and that Doug and Kevin have room for him at their place. I hope that he fixes his car and makes it even better. I know he knows how to fix it. I hope he sells his car and gets a better one that he's satisfied with.

I just want the best for him. Even if it's not me.... but i know I'm the best girl for him. That's what kills.


April 8, 2009
I've been hanging out at home. Last night I watched the American version of "My Sassy Girl." I don't know how appropriate it would be to send it to him. I know I want him to watch it. Eventually, anyway. Anyhoo... it always gets me when they have to wait for a year. Because honestly... I don't know how long I can wait for him. I don't know how long I'll last without communication from him. I'm not the kind to pine after someone and have that overtake my life. It's not going to, ofcourse... but the moving on part just seems impossible. Like... I don't want anyone else. I had perfection, and it was snatched away.

You don't get over something like that. Those feelings and that love just doesn't go away. I'm praying that he didn't mean it when he said that he regrets our relationship. And I'm still praying that this will end with a happy ending. With the ending that we dreamed of together. The craziness of it all and everything.

I still find myself reading his texts. That he's a fighter, and that he's not going to let anything get between us. All of it... and I love him because of it. And i hope that he follows through on his promises.

I never thought I would be this lost without a guy. But here I am. LOST. Completely lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do come October.

Because here's the thing.... I could ditch Phoenix in October when my lease is up... job or not... I could just come home. Get away from it all. But do I want to leave? Because if there's still that chance for us to be together, then I don't want to put even more distance between us. I want us to have a fighting chance. And I don't want to run away. But that's all I know how to do. GRRRRR. Whatever. I guess we'll just wait and see if I have a job lined up in October, right?


April 7, 2009
He erased his space. Didn't think that that would actually happen. I don't know what to think right now. I've found some guidance, but right now I'm not really hearing what I want to be hearing. I know I've been trying to justify all of it in my head. Searching for passages that will bring me comfort. But it's just tough... actually seeing that he can't see anything that I write anymore. That he's actually completely cutting me out of his life. Like... nothing. NOTIHNG. It hurts really bad. I don't know what to do. I know I'm not even supposed to love him anymore because loving him is coveting him. Which is also wrong. So I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm making up excuses.

I just need him to know that I am still going to continue to wait. Regardless of he's going to be there at the end. I'm still oging to wait. Sounds pathetic, right? Sounds really sad. But if you went through what we went through... experienced how amazing our relationship was, then you would be able to see why I am willing to do this.

And of all the people, right? I honestly have never been the type to wait around for a guy. Never been the type to choose single over dating. I've always had someone available to me. It sounds horrible, and maybe this is my karma. But you know what... He's totally worthit. Even to have him as a friend again. Even if it takes the rest of my life... he promised me that once... that even if it takes the rest of his life... we would make it work. I dunno anymore. I've been using twitter to distract me. I just want to be able to communicate with him even if I can't. So I've been tweeting whenever I have the urge to send him a message, I'll tweet. So I've been tweeting A LOT because everything I do I want to share with him.

During our last conversation together, he said that they can take his family, his health, and all of his earthly possessions, but they cannot take his soul. I can't believe this is all happening. I can't believe that it hurts this much! I can't believe that he's not with me anymore!!! WOW. Getting married was the biggest mistake of my life! But to him, I was probably the biggest mistake of his life.

And that fact alone makes it hard to live with. That fact alone.... I can't even fathom how he feels about me. I wonder how much resentment he has for me. =(


April 5, 2009
It’s not the waiting that’s killing me though cuz I can do that. I have to do that. For me. For her. For us. The part that sucks is I feel helpless. I want to be there for her. I want to help her through this, even though I know she can do this on her own, I don’t want her do. Because I love her. And I want to be by her side. All these things we talked about in class about support and care and trust and communication and understanding EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE is what I want to have with her without any restraint. I want to tell the world how much I love her and not be afraid of their reaction. I want to be there for her and guide her, help her, learn from her, learn more about her. She makes me feel so happy and so complete.

That entry was from Nick's dated 2.10.09. The same feelings apply on my end this time around. I'm still fuzzy on whether or not it's okay to still think this way. Because I'm not lusting after him. I'm so deeply in love with him that it hurts to know what I've done to him. To share these feelings with him and rip it away. To have him going through what he's going through with his family tears me up inside. The guilt is slowly deteriorating my heart and it consumes me throughout the day. I can't keep focus at work. I can't keep a straight face. I can't hear a song or look at anything around me without trembling. Even as I sit here, the tremors take over. But ofcourse, I know he's probably suffering more than I am. Not knowing what lies ahead and not having a clue to which direction to go to. Where he's gonna live or who he can turn to.

I just want to be there for him so badly. I want to hold him and comfort him and hold his hand through this ordeal. But being the person that caused it to happen to him... I have no right. I don't even know if he would ever want me to. His voice still rings in my ears "I regret beginning this relationship with you." I don't know to what extent he meant that. Like... he wishes that we practiced some restraint and waited? Or like... EVER?

Because I would like to think that someday... maybe... we could be friends again. Maybe start anew. Both better people. I don't know. And for me to hope for a reunion... is that wrong? Again the trick here is... that i'm not lusting for him (which would be a sin). Oh.. and the whole divorce thing... that's another topic. I actually covered on myspace blog. I'm hoping that he'll read it out of curiosity. I just want to bring some perspective. I just want to be able to have some hope of having those things that we dreamed about together. Because I still dream of those things. I still hold them close to my heart. I still only want him to fill that void in my future. In the future that we planned together.

After every breakup, I've always had the desire to go out and find someone new to play with. Someone to keep the loneliness away. That's not the case this time around. Maybe because God has filled my heart with so much love this time around. He's helped to ease the pain by loving me, and knowing that I have that perfect love from God fills the void. But it doesn't take away the love that I have for Nick. "God who created man out of love also calls him to love the fundamental and innate vocation of every humang being. For man is created in the image and likeliness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator's eye. And this love which God blesses is intended to be fruitful and to be realized in the common work of watching over creation: 'And God blessed them, and God said to them: 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.'"

I don't really know what I'm doing right now. Like... I'm trying to figure out what to do, but the only thing I can do is sit here and cry and do stupid things like go on myspace. But I had a very long talk with Ha today. It feels good to get in touch with an old friend. I just decided to text her, and at first i thought it would be a quick text-chat. But she called me, we talked for a good hour or so, and just caught up on things. Feels good. We just picked up exactly where we left off =)

I should really be packing right now. Because I'll be gone for 3 days. If I can get Lea to take my Thursday and Friday, I'll be gone for that much longer. =) Which ofcourse means more baseball <3 And more distance from Nick. More time to reflect in a city so far away from him.

=( It just hurts so bad. I'm stronger than this. But freakin A. I dunno....


April 4, 2009
I don't know what I was expecting to happen. Like beliefs would change because of a piece of paper. I don't know why in my head that things would turn out like a fairy tale. I don't know why I was so greedy in this whole thing. And now it's damaged. Beyond repair? I'm still not so sure. The concept of "never" refuses to sink in. But that's because I didn't think that it would ever be an option.

I've been reading the New Testament. I've never been inspired to in the past because in the past, I could speak to God and he would show me the way. I could just look into my heart and know what to do. But now it's my heart that has put us in this position so I had to look elsewhere. I was looking for comfort. But the more I read the more I realized the severity of our sins. The more I realized how much damage I've done. I've found passages that have brought me peace and some hope. But the pain right now is just so overwhelming that I don't know what to do with myself.

I haven't left my bed except to use the bathroom for 22 hours. It's a little depressing. I want to escape like I always do, but that doesn't seem fair right now, because he can't. I told him that I would do anything to make it right. Do anything so that we could make this work. But the more I read, the more forbidden it is.

I just don't think that God wants me to be alone. And I wholeheartedly believe that what we had is a truly special gift... not just one that we created out of lust and want. Something this big doesn't grow unless you share it with Him. God is love. Love is not born out of sin. But if it is our souls on the line, then I don't know what to do.

I repent. But that doesn't make a difference at this point because I am divorced.

So now I do regret getting married. I regret not listening to my heart at the time. I regret the whole thing. Yes, I grew up. Yes, it took me here to meet the love of my life. But now to have a taste and to know that I can't have that ever again?

I need to talk to you. I need to talk to Father Dennis. I need to talk to your parents. Because I can't do this. This is our future on the line, too.


April 2, 2009
I can't freakin believe how fast time is going!!!! It's freakin APRIL already. Wow. CRAZY!!! I'm supposed to have half of my place moved out, my mini cooper parked out front, and my tv sittin cozy in the living room ^_^ My how things have progressed.... still no tv... still no mini cooper... still planning to stay in avondale for a few more YEARS!!! YIKES!!!

See what love does to yah, kids? But you know what? All of this is totally worthit. I have my life in my own hands instead of having someone pave the path for me. No longer under my parents' roof. No longer dependent on another person for everything else. Just me. On my own. Kinda barely scrapin by, but absolutely enjoying myself. I know I should really get a grip on my spending habits... but that's something that will probably remain a constant in my entire life. =P Sad, but true. As much as I can plan down to the penny... things will always pop up to purchase and there will always be someone to buy a drink for or have lunch or dinner with. But totally worthit.

Anyhoo.... Nickie and I are starting to plan out our trip to the bay in the end of June. So Pink Martini concert on the 25th, some hurrahs for Erik's "25th" birthday, and back home we must go. Our first real trip as a couple. Like... flights, hotel rooms and everything <3 I can't wait! I'm so excited!!!! But at the same time, I'm starting to look at the expenses and decided what needs to be cut out of the budget in the next couple of months. Alcohol? Dinners out? Cosmetics? I dunno. I guess we'll see... right? Whatever the sacrifice is... it will pay off for that weekend of bliss with someone I have such an uncanny connection with that i kind of have a fear that... well... we'll get into that another time. =)

Anyhoo... I got a horrible case of food poisoning the past few days and my body is super lagging on recovering. =( I still feel like there's a huge lump in my stomach, and I went to the gym this morning and couldn't keep up with even half of my usual workout. So sad. So sad.

The worst part is that between the sick, the beer, the late dinners, and trying to keep up with a guy that can eat his body weight in food... the tire around my waist just refuses to go away. I know I need to just buckle down and discipline myself with the calorie intake and the beer and the time of day that I'm eating... but seriously... how often is mar disciplined? =P But in an effort not to become a seriously grotesque tub of lard (a direction that i'm seriously headed towards), I need to get my discipline on and just suck it up until I can get this under control.

I scheduled a physical with a new doctor on Thursday. So now we'll really see how unhealthy I am and which direction I need to go. I'm actually kinda proud of myself lately =) I'm staying on top of my appointments and not slackin =) YAY! Blame the getting old part for that. I just want to stay 23 forever, I suppose. (23 because you're smarter and "seasoned" than when you were 21, but still young enough to be reckless and stupid and party like a rockstar and still be a responsible adult. you know you love it)

Let's face it... feeling like you're getting old sucks. I don't know how people younger than I am are acting like they're too old to party and enjoy their lives. It makes me so sad for them. And not because they have to grow up... because seriously... you can be a responsible adult and still have all the fun that you did in college. If there's no kids (currently or in the near future), then you have no excuse to be an old fuddy duddy. Because you can still be ballin on a budget. ^_^

Speaking of... I should probably start on that planning piece, shouldn't I?