August 31, 2002
similar enough to get along. different enough to keep things interesting. that's always the best combination. worked out at wetzels. worked out at AE. works out at pacific eyes. works w/ me and bri.
BOSSMANmark pointed out the staff's differences today. how each of us have our own little quirks. such different personalities. all different styles. all from different backgrounds. but we all get along so well. anywhere else and i think we would all be miserable.... that's what our district manager said, anyway. (p.s. he asked me about bri today. getting a big thumbs up so far)

ACK! last three days before school starts. damnit. and im workin all three. so is bri. UGH. just shoot me now.

me n jason went shoppin today. that was interesting. interesting. but fun. im still getting used to having fun while shopping with other people. i used to dread it when people came along to shop w/ me. but now... lovin it lovin it lovin it.

i need to get MTV2. this mainstream shit is starting to bother me.

oh yeah. i ended up shopping yesterday. got kicked out of RBR. so i bought school supplies. went to fashion. bought a hurley sweater. went to seaus. bought too much sushi. i think i spent somewhere around $150+ damnit. and i thought i would stop shopping. fuck me now cuz im never gonna get myself outta debt.

bad habits suck.


8.30.02.bleh.what.an.addict.
its friday. im off. and i just got paid. and what do i choose to do? GO ONLINE. what a fucking LOSER. well the morning was spent well. got home 430ish. left 9ish. mira mesa. coffee. got my new student id. went to the Museum of Man for an exhibit we've been wanting to see for a while (p.s. it was an awesome exhibit. highly recommended. its about time someone cultured your asses anyway). took a stroll around balboa park. took a mini hike down a trail. got submarina (BTW, its SUBWAY fo life!). and now... bleh. path.e.tic. anyway, im going thru some archives. just pulled up a few that got me thinking.
on 6.30.02:: got an invite from Brian for boba. buuuut... i dont think so. i think i wanna keep our relationship conversational. over the phone, that is. he's my bestfriend fill-in while the pooh bear is in hawaii. except without the coming-over-to-each-others'-pads benefit. i think the late night talks are sufficient. me love my bedtime stories. glad i changed my mind.
on 6.27.02:: bri called n we were on the phone for HOURS. helped ease my mind about a lot. he's one of the few that will actually tell me a story when i ask for one. and i asked for a lot. but so did he. that was a much needed trip back to memory lane. and a much needed workout for my abs. as well as my funny bone. NFG's "the story so far." (p.s. lyrics will be posted on blogspot.
on 6.17.02:: BRI:: lets go to Buca n Marble Slab. then hit up the beach so you can show me what that 24 hour fitness membership has done for you. funny how things turn out. what got the ball rolling was jan's bday dinner at BUCA. the day after, we went to marble slab and took a stroll in la jolla. whodathunk! i fo sho never woulda.
on 6.15.02:: [side note: i was watching Rookie of the year today, and just thought of CRACKER JACKS. yum. especially the cool prize!] actually, i was watching baseball. and thinking "bri plays baseball."

sorry.. i have to cut this short. RBR is closing in 15 minutes. and i still have some surfing to do. woop woop. ill miss you too!

August 30, 2002
jer was right on when he said "because living well IS the best revenge". but he got it from Midtown. nonetheless... hell yeah it is.

hey big bro, your random quote (derived from The Critic) wreaks of MAR-dom. do you miss me? haha. cuz i know i miss you. its been a while since we last talked. and your bday present has been waiting in my trunk for the past few months. im tellin yah... im in mira mesa ALL THE TIME. i live offa greenford now. you know the corner of mira mesa blvd where the 76 station is? yeah. offa there. (((p.s. they opened a TEA STATION by seafood city in mira mesa))) so gimme a ringdingding. and lemme know when you'll be on campus this semester. cuz i wont be able to make monday meetings this semester due to work. bleh.

i realized what my mistake was... pushing too hard. either to pull it together or to keep it away. i just pushed. this time i dont wanna make that same mistake. whatever happens, happens. there's no point in me trying so hard. because then when i stop, who will be there to try for me? just an endless cycle of me trying and not getting the same effort back. so this time... i put in what he puts in. all equal. last night he said "i need to have balance." and right then and there, i lost mine.

and it starts.... im in RBR of the dome at SDSU. oh man. school really IS starting. EEP! cant believe its my third year already. IM SCURD! but right on track. just found out that graduate school tuition is only $50 more than undergrad tuition. YEY! that means i can afford to go! woop woop! now as to what to pursue... we'll see. and plans on transferring to long beach state for grad school. but must check out psych program first. hee! im excited. cuz our house on the corner of prospect and la jolla is almost done.


August 28, 2002
slowly but surely, things are falling right into place. i've started to regain my grasp on reality and have started to take responsibility. i've been home for at least 8 hours for the past couple of days. even though 6 of those hours are spent sleeping, at least i've been sleeping at home. school is starting so i think its about time to get my head out of the clouds and take a step back into reality. it's been a great summer. at least i have the satisfaction of knowing that i finally had a summer that i didnt waste.
got my tolerance WAY up. got to see a majority of san diego. found someone. learned a lot of lessons. helped a lot of people. and got closer to sisters and the pooh. in a way, i also strengthened my relationship with my bros. its no longer just a christmas thang. YEY!

bri got the tickets for street scene. this guy didnt even tell me he bought 'em. nice little surprise when i asked him when he wanted to go buy tickets. we went to point loma today and climbed rocks and looked for caves. all before we both had work at 2pm. im tellin yah... every day is another adventure. we dont waste time. every window of opportunity is taken.

we took the scenic route, as usual. passing by a few of the model homes, he asked me what my the exterior of my ideal house would look like. it took me a while, but i came to the conclusion that i would love to live in the Waterfall house. that's all i said... "do you know the Waterfall house?" and he did. no one else would have known what i was talking about. if YOU dont, it's the Kaufman house by Frank Lloyd Wright... duly called "falling water". it rises above a waterfall. it's BEAUTIFUL inside and out. but what really surprised me is that he actually KNEW what house i was talking about. it just CLICKED. this guy knew a Frank Lloyd Wright house. this guy... all i had to say was that one line, and he knew EXACTLY which house i was talking about. no need to describe it. he just KNEW. with no kind of effort. rare.

imagine that. bald filipino that lives in mira mesa and drives an integra. works in the mall and goes to community. i never would have guessed what lies beneath. but im glad i got the chance to discover...


August 27, 2002
i took advantage of Bri being in class today. got a load of laundry done. got my bills in order. pretty much brought myself back to reality while he was in class. well he had to be in reality... so i might as well bring myself back too. with school starting in a week and all.... BAH. this summer was AWESOME. i wish it didnt have to end so abruptly. but its okay... the adventure will continue.

NFG is gonna be at state during my birthday weekend. YEAH!!! half of the Pacific Eyes and Ts staff is planning a big group thang. then they're gettin me drunk after the concert. YEY! oh yeah... im working on a birthday wishlist. maybe this year people will actually recognize that im turning another year older. MAYBE. not like last year. thanks a lot people.
whatever. you guys suck.


8.26.02.damnit.erik
damnit erik. just for that email, this post is just for YOU! haha. now dont you feel special? i know you miss me. and however much you deny it, you know im perfect! j/k. and we'll kick it when you're in sd. DUR. hmm... but there have been a few tempting invites for a road trip up to the bay. but maybe around christmas time. are you spending christmas there again?
and i already told you... i dont have a boyfriend. damnit. get it right. oh. that bros before hoes thing... the guy separates from the homies cuz he wants to get closer to the bitch that wants him all to herself. selfish bitch.
that's what ditching is for? its college sucka. you dont ditch. you CUT. or accidentally sleep in. or have something better to do. eep. when i hear ditching, i think of the truancy cops. ACK! senior ditch day all over again! so when do you start school anyway? i start on the 3rd. woop dee doo. im not excited. my classes suck. when are you gonna graduate already? geez. take forever. but ill admit... it was much easier to stalk you while you were at southwestern.
okay sucka. i better see you soon.

crackers n cheese,
mar

go figger. i dont like using email. OKAY! time to be productive.... peace yah laters! dont you feel special? 2 posts in one day! haha. all in a matter of 2 hours at that. woop woop! i need to sign off now. byeeeeeee. eeeee! eeeeeeeeeeeee!

August 26, 2002
p.s. sorry for the MAD typos on the previous post. i was kinda in a hurry to get to jan's. the 4 of us (me, bri, jason n jan) were sposed to hang out. i guess i got a little excited. just a little.

of all the sun signs, Libra is the worst at making decisions. weighing each option to make sure that libra makes the right decision. she may take forever to decide what she wants, but when she does, you can be sure that the decision she makes is the best. i know im the slowest person to decide what i want. even when it comes to food. or drinks. or where to go. but just know... that when i do decide.... i know what i want. i get what i want. and you dont want to get in the way.

I heard about your regrets. I heard that you were feeling sorry. I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us. Well I guess I should have heard of them from you. I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers, I'll be all right when my hands get warm. Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice. too late to be gracious and you do not warrant long good-byes. You're calling too late.

so when is it TOO late to make amends? in the past i've always tried to set things straight right from the start. this time it was different. maybe cuz i havent felt like that before. a nice slap in the face for trying a little too hard. ive been played many times. but nothing compares to what that felt like. it feels like the exact opposite of what im feeling right now. and you know damn well im happier than a squirrel stuck in the planters factory. so imagine that feeling, but on the opposite scale. eh.
another lesson of history repeating itself. i guess ill just wait it out again. see if the waters ever calm. see if the pictures on my wall will ever stop burning. the smiles there were genuine. but maybe it was just another front. but no doubts. i trusted. just not deep enough. not close enough. maybe a little too much. but not really enough. sometimes you have to test the waters before diving in. but make sure you have a lifesaver. jumped in. nothing attached. left there to drown. but i got lucky. my seals were lookin out. but ill always wonder...

BAH. i dont need to be thinking about this right now. i need a pillow call. to take me out of reality.
thank you Z90. i needed that.


August 25, 2002
i got home at 9AM this morning. after spending an entire day and an entire night with Brian. that whole "im turning into the girl that got in the way" feeling? GONE. we sepnt the evening with his friends. his best friend came down from Hayward for the weekend and we got to hang out. we got to chill with him at his pad. then at a friend's party. then chillin at Santanas. we got along great! YEY! so i have approval from the best friend as well as the second mom. the buddies are cool too. so i guess im in. YEY! it was a great night. did i mention that i drove HIS car all day long? the car that he only tursts his best friend with. the car that NO ONE ELSE drives. he trusts me enough to drive her. even trusted me enough after a shot of belvedere vodka and one of 99berries (both 90+ proof, thank you very much).
so mike (the best friend) made an exception to the belvedere bottle rule. okay... tradition stands that the homie gets a big bottle of Belvedere on his 21st (the good stuff). a bottle that he must finish ON HIS OWN. the exception that was made? im the only other person that can take part in that bottle. which has to be finished by thanksgiving. so i guess ill be sleeping over a lot more... drunk offa belvedere. yeow well. good times to look back on when we're both old.
i got to see him drunk last night. he's funny when he's drunk. he's pretty clingy too. more clingy than usual. he would NOT let go of me at the party. mike has never seen him like that with a girl before. YEY! haha! says a lot...

but like you care. my happiness is putting a serious strain on my writing abilities. but if you only knew....

i found someone who puts in the same effort. someone who i can be myself with and not worry about embarrassing him. someone who my friends, sisters, and bros LOVE without hesitation and someone who clicks with them like i do. and vise versa w/ his firends. someone who i can trust and who trsts me just as much. we make each other happy. and what we have is UNCONDITIONAL. and that's hard to find.

yeah yeah yeah. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.


August 23, 2002
before i start my entry, first things first... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRI!!!!! he turned 21 today. stroke of midnight, we were at ralphs purchasing a big bottle of heineken. YEAH! and i've got pictures. woop woop. bleh. but he's with the 21+ crowd right now. its k... he needed time with his friends. .... which brings me to my entry...

for the first time in my life, im afraid of being the girl who got inthe way. i've lived my life around guys. seen them all change. seen them all disappear. seen them all give up precious lifetime friendships. OVER A GIRL. fuck that. bros before hoes. and for my entire life i've worked at not being that girl. and ive suceeded, making sure that whoever i was with clearly understood that there should be a balance between frienships and relationships. i've never been so caught up in what we had that the line between dream and reality became distorted. but now here i am.... so caught up in what me and bri have that i've almost completely lost my grasp of reality. and its the same for the both of us. he hasnt seen his friends in a while. every free moment that each of us has is spent together. he pretty much blows off his friends to hang out with me. and im getting close to doing the same. the part that bothers me is that i let him do it. i should know better. but ive become greedy. im allowing myself to be the girl that gets in the way of him and his friends. i dont wanna be that girl. but that's what im starting to become....

TIME FOR A REALITY CHECK!!!

.... but this dream just keeps getting better and better....

oh. and p.s. just to clarify, bri is NOT my boyfriend.

and another thing... my phone is back up. gimme a ring ding ding people! oh. and im enrolled. 15 units. 930am-645pm every tuesday/thursday. NO BREAKS. fuck. this semester is gonna be interesting.

and jan, you need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. just enjoy what you have. dont think about it. and let it flow. remember that you cant control everything.


August 22, 2002
so i guess i will be going to school this semester. my mom is gonna help me out with tuition. im gonna pay for everything else. but still no student loan. hopefully i'll be approved. but my income has doubled since last year. so we'll see what happens. grr. ill be leaving for the cashiers office in 10 hours. hopefully ill have ends by then.

so my phone got turned off today. bills were gettin a little overwhelming. and i was too far out of reality livin in a fantasy that i completely forgot that i had responsibilities. ACK! i felt SO disconnected! okay. the moth before i used 7223 minutes. and now... NADA! eeeek! that's a scary thought. haha. but you know... you can always reach me on bri's phone. im working on reactivating it this weekend. but as of now... NO ENDS. grrr. have to wait til payday. AH! i have to be the epitome of a poor college student. BLEH.

BTW erik, me and bri hung out w/ emil today. haha. without a boyfriend! yeah we went to his pad to pick up a movie and ended up staying for a few chattin. so when are the THREE of us ever gonna get together? haha. i'd tell you to call me, but my phone is disconnected. ill text you when i get it reconnected. or ill let you know on here. haha... im just trying to get traffic. argh. everyone's leaving me. =(

hey jer. sorry i never called back. i couldnt find their numbers. but MSG nunez is listed. didnt wanna bug yah at like AM hours to disappoint you. SORRY DUDE! but thanks for callin. hey BTW, lemme know what kinda chick ur into. me n bri are on a roll playing cupid... maybe.... maybe... YEAHHHHH!!!!! you know...

jason said we have problems. didnt have contact for TWO HOURS a while ago and i was going mad-cow-crazy. worrying. shit. i DO have problems. clingy clingy clingy.

(ooh! okay this was gonna be posted on blogspot, but i got lazy)
so every guy ive been with has in one way or another told me that i am completely BLIND to see when a guy is tryin to get close. for example:: i have a boyfriend. i have a guy friend. i talk to my guy friend as much, if not more, than i talk to my boyfriend. my boyfriend gets upset because he sees the "hidden intentions" of my guy friend. i get upset at boyfriend for being a jealous boyfriend. he gets upset at me because im blinding myself from the fact that my guy friend is trying to pry me away from my boyfriend. i get upset at boyfriend for being upset with me. because you know why? okay. i admit. i know when a guy is trying to get close. but i like the attention. im an attention-FEEN. but see... the thang is... i know my limits. i know when a guy is getting tooo close. and i know how to CUT IT. i know how to keep control of the boys i play with. (yeah yeah yeah. i know that sounds fucked up. but if you were a libra psych major, you would understand) i wouldnt let anything go too far. but if boyfriend would just give me the attention that i need, the attention that i crave, then there wouldnt be a problem. im not blind to the advances of other male callers. oh well. guys just need to learn how to deal with it. when i find one... he's a keeper.

p.s. i think i found one.


August 19, 2002
imagine waking up just as the sun begins to come up.... you wake up in a car.... in the arms of the person that you care so much about.... overlooking the ocean. it's peaceful. the birds have just begun to come out and search the beach for food. the waves rolling and settling into the sand before it retreats back into the ocean. it's still a bit dark out. the air is still crisp with dew and has a slight chill from the night before. the windows are halfway rolled down in order to keep the windows from fogging. it's early. there isnt another person around for miles. it's just the two of you. holding each other close for warmth. admiring the beauty of your surroundings.

sounds like something straight out of a cheesy movie right? yeah. i guess it does. and you know what? I GOT TO LIVE THAT.... this morning. bri and i decided to have another adventure last night. swooped him up. hit up the shores and talked to some crazy guy in pooh-bear short-alls. haha HE SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET! again... no... he just picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. showed him the beautiful side of southside (cheesecake area). then we hit up the beach at del mar. kinda parked there to talk a while. and i fell asleep in his arms. woke up just as the sun began to peek through the fog. the air was crisp. the beach was deserted. and the ocean was so peaceful. it was GREAT! oh wow. that's a feeling you dont ever forget.


August 17, 2002
remember when i said "never again" to alcohol? well i lied. i got TOSSED last night. yakked for the first time ever cuz of alcohol. man. it was pretty bad. but bribri took good care of me. drove my car (which by the way i dont trust w/ anyone). greg's drink up was the SHIT! haha! got to see all of my kids. got to see all of my bros. met a whole lotta cool people. even saw some keiller heads. HOLY SHIT! haha. that was like a trip through memory lane from straight middle school through the present! WOW! that was by far the best time ive had drinking... ever.

so this chick Denise was there too. she used to drink up w/ me n mark. (ooh. that whole mark thing... another story. this is gonna be a long entry) remember an entry way back when when i went to ronnel's apartment and chilled with some "samahoes"? yeah. she was one of them. but this chick is COOOOL! here's her gbook entry for me...
hey maria! girl, u were funny last nite. first tellin me not to drink anymore, then tellin me to take shots with u, then not sharin the water. i think at one point u said u were my bitch cuz my other bitches werent there. aww, how sweet! do u even remember any of that shit? prolly not. u were messed up. but it was fun gettin fucked up w/ u. we should do it agen! DOUBLE SHOTS, rite? haha. *FLYING KISS*
BTW, denise, if you're reading this, i was already fucked up when i got your number... the number i got was like a pager number or something. OR SOMETHING. but it sure as hell wasnt yours. gimme a ring on my cel w/ your number. yeah. needless to say... last night was interesting.

and bri took very good care of me. ahhh! he made sure i was okay. took care the whole night at the party. i dont remember much of the night. i just remember i let him drive my car. we went up to del mar. and while we were drivin, my head was hanging out of the window. we got to del mar and i was just kinda sleepin on him. haha. i remember we were parked somewhere and a cop shined his light in the car. bri goes "oh. she just fell asleep." and we rolled out. when we rolled out, i HURLED out the window. i was hurlin for a while too. hurled so much that the WHOLE passenger side of my car was COVERED IN YAK. it was pretty disgusting. then we went to dennys. i yaked on the table. yaked in the bathroom. whoa. i was out of gas. and this guy filled my tank for me. then we headed to his pad. i changed in the back while he drove. got to his house... he tucked me in, then hosed off my car. wow. this guy HOSED OFF MY CAR. and he filled it up. WHOA. how many guys you know would do that for you? im glad that the first time i got that fucked up was with him.
ah! and none of my bros have called me about who he was. that's a surprise. usually if they see me with anyone other than the pooh bear they start TRIPPIN. even if it's one of their friends. even if it's someone they've known since forever. dude... they gave me some heat about mark. but with bri they were all cool. (yes they were all sober) they must like him. like him enough not to pester me about it.

okay. so let me just tell you... i was playing babysitter for my kids (when i say kids, it's usually referring to my CG kids or really close cadets). WOW! like hella! man. i miss takin care of people. that was great! then denise comes along and makes me take shots with her. i was all tryin to take care of Kris. but the group takin the shot wouldnt take it unless i was takin it with them. WHOA. there was so much alcohol there it wasnt even funny. A WHOLE DAMN CUPBOARD OF HARD LAQ. that was A GRIP. and i came late. BAH. i drank too much. too much for me to remember. i remember taking at least 2 shots of jose. a double shot of vodka. and another one. and a mix that nate made me. and a shot that les made me. a shot w/ one of my kids. a couple of skyys and a smirnoff. im pretty sure there was more. i hookahed a little too.

EEK! i feel like such a breezy. and the fact that i wasnt hungover this morning... (i only had like 5 hours of sleep)... and felt fine for the rest of the day... GEEZ. oh well. at least im building up my tolerance. haha... and the fact that bri was the first person i saw this morning (we met up for coffee as soon as i woke up) helped a lot too.

oh yeah. so that whole mark thang... everyone and their mom was askin where the hell mark was. all i could say was "oh we broke up." bah. but that was some shit that i just did not need to hear while i was there. eh. whatever.

NO DRAMA HERE! bri's bday is on FRIDAY. which means its gonna one hell of an interesting week. and ONE HELL OF A WEEKEND!!! so if im missing for a while.... my apologies. but im so caught up in what we have ...not much else matters.

AW! traffic is dying off. i think you guys liked me better as a lesbian.


August 16, 2002
SHOOT ME NOW! today was my registration date. so which classes did i end up with? NONE. because apparently, my student loan didnt go through. which means that my tuition wasnt paid. which means i cant register because im ineligible to attend SDSU this fall because i lack the funds to pay tuition. where the hell do they expect me to come up with $925 by the end of the day? do they not realize that my ass is already working full time to pay off some fucking credit card bills because my dumbass decided that my exboyfriend's fucking car was worth being in debt over? and that my closet is full of SHIT that i hardly ever wear. and that all of those nights out on the town cost a pretty penny and that now im working my ass off to pay for it? i have work in 2 hours. i dont have time for this.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! im an idiot when it comes to money. go figger. i learned it from my brother.

FUCK ME NOW! ugh! im so glad tonight is baklaG's drink up. let me drown my sorrows in alcohol in the arms of someone who i know knows how to comfort me.

AWWWW SHIIIIIIIIT. i just remembered that i have credit card bills due .... YESTERDAY. just shoot me now. take the gun. point it at my head. and pull.


August 15, 2002
you know its bad when all you can do is think about him. aaahhhhh!!! why am i like this!?!?!

SO ANYWAY..... here's an interesting email i received from erik.... cracked me up!
damn woman.

do you know how much fun we had after we read the entry about your newfound lesbianism? sheesh. why'd you have to ruin it like that???

haha. oh well. it was funny though. when i read it i was like.. ehhh??????? but i pretty much ignored it really, cuz i didnt think you were like that. my answer was that you were in some confused state right now. hahaha.

but yeah. i didnt even really care UNTIL emil talks to me. and after he tells me that he's on the phone with brian and that brian is all upset and shit. so then im like... ooooookay i guess it's real.

and then we start talking about what we were talking about that made it so fun.

but i wont tell you none of that.

anyway.. HILARIOUS i say. kinda mean. but that's pretty funny. haha.

okay you need to go online more often. i have to watch tv now.

OH WAIT. haha. you know when you text'd me.. what was that all about??

i thought someshit went down and you needed to talk or something, that's why i kinda text'd you that ambiguous message. did you even get that? haha. oh well. what a nerd.

okay.

cheers,
erik


August 14, 2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIND TWIN!!! haha! you never called back about dinner. I TOLD YOU YOU WERE FUCKED!! haha. but nonetheless, i hope you had a wonderful 21st. and hope that the remainder of the week is the same.

[k. this is the part you might wanna leave for. its the this-is-what-me-and-bri-did-today entry] it was a LOOOONG 32 hours apart. needless to say, i was majorly cravin some bri time. yeah we're both pretty clingy. but it works out great. so 12ish im in mira mesa and we roll out. headed up to santa monica to go to the 2story ABERCROMBIE. we must be the only two people in the world who would drive 150 miles just to go to abercrombie. 3rd st. promenade was great tho. and bri got pooped on. we hit up the SANTA MONICA PIER afterwards. a first for both of us. that was just COOL! and we got FUNNEL CAKE!!! walked around the beach a little. played on the bars. and the swings. then headed to the IRVINE SPECTRUM PLAZA. wow. that place was supercool. beautiful mall. i highly recommend a visit sometime soon. walked around a bit. then headed back to san diego. dinner at TGIFridays. and back to his pad. had a wonderful time. we always have a good time whatever we're doing. ah. dating is great!

i seriously need to move out. but first i have yet to get my finances in check. ive started to neglect my bills, and with school coming up, i have no clue as to how im gonna manage buying books. damnit. im screwed. but oh well. i just need to move out. i dont know how much longer i can hack my mom making me come home and stay home all the fucking time. i need some kind of freedom. i need a way to be able to get out of the house and socialize. hanging out w/ jan at her & lee's new apartment motivated me to get my shit straight. stop shopping so maybe i can scrape up some dough to move in with them.
it's night 2 sleeping alone. i cant sleep without my pillow. i love being a part of a burrito. cuz it just feels so right. so comfy. and the feeling lasts all night long. eeeeeeeeeeee!


8.13.02.someone.
p.s. me and bri did an AWESOME job w/ jan and jason. WOO HOO! and another thing... i racked up 7,223 minutes this month. how much extra did i pay? NOTHING!!! gotta love unlimited mobile to mobile.

.... so i've never had this before. someone i can talk to for hours on end. someone i can spend every waking moment with. someone who motivates me to wake up in the morning and be productive. someone who i havent gotten sick of even if we spend every day together. someone who takes each window of opportunity with me. someone with the same values. someone that hasnt gotten sick of me yet after spending so much time together. someone who i can have fun with no matter where we are. no matter what we're doing. someone who thinks exactly like me, but have such different interests. someone who has a life of his own but still manages to make me feel like the biggest part of it. someone that i can make feel exactly the same as he makes me feel. someone who understands completely. trusts me completely. has a perfect balance.

i never did understand those couples who were together 24/7. the ones that just COMPLETELY lost themselves in the relationship. i always thought that they did that because they had no one else to turn to. maybe they lost all of their friends because they spent so much time together. but now i do. spending time with him. talking to him. we can do absolutely nothing. or just about nothing. and its GREAT! we have yet to run out of things to talk about. even if we talk for minimum 4 hours a day on the phone. and spend most of it together. the conversation still flows. im lovin every moment of it. each experience with him is an adventure. we do everyday things.... but it's just so much more special with him. more interesting. funner. we just click so well. we think so alike. he sweeps me off my feet everytime i hear his voice. i surprise him as much as he surprises me. man. its WONDERFUL!

its gonna suck when school starts. had an AphiG meeting last night. LOTS of upcoming events. have to do my 40 hours per week at work to make ends meet. still gonna be a full time student. damnit. that's gonna rip so much time away from him. but its okay... cuz we always find ways to talk. to see each other. every free minute has always been spent talking to him or being with him. its just gonna be a little more challenging when school starts... but that's okay. cuz i know we can make it work.

im just scared. its only been 2 weeks. but im so happy....

August 13, 2002
SPOOF!!! haha. FYI... that last entry was a JOKE!!! haha. me and bri had some boredom to kill, so we decided to play a little joke on EMILIO (aka the guy that HOOKED IT UP!... emil... thanks BTW) so NO, i don't swing that way. NO, i dont have a girlfriend. and NO, brian is not pissed at me. hmm... did you like that one? WE KNOW EMIL DID! haha... running joke. we milked it for everything we could. but the laughter just came out and we had to fess up. BUT THAT WAS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!!! hahaha. wow. that was good.

my apologies for the lack of entries as of late. i've had one hell of a weekend. but i doubt that you would like to hear the whole thing. if you do, check my blogspot. it might make an appearance sometime tonight if i get bored enough. but lets just leave it at this... friday through this morning me and bri have been inseparable. physically. mentally. yeah. its been a CRAZY weekend. the humongoid bags under my eyes can vouch for that. i think i had a total of 10 hours of sleep all weekend long. holy crap. what a wonderful feeling! THANKS EMIL!

hmm... i had a grip of shit to write. but as of now it's all condensed. will probably end up in blogspot... you know... so everyone sees this entry. and knows.... i dont have a girlfriend.

funny funny funny. eh. i guess you'd have to be there.

jan, YOU ROCK. i miss you.


August 8, 2002
so the thing is... i kinda have a GIRLFRIEND. something i never expected. but this girl just swept me off my feet. but you know... its been pretty down low. i guess i just now decided to get it out in the open because its something i just wasnt sure was really happening. we've been together a while. not so long, but long enough. so why did i decide to tell everyone now?
because i might as well. the one person that i didnt want to find out.... FOUND OUT TONIGHT. yeah. so me and bri were smokin hookah tonight. when she walked in. she's been pretty jealous about the whole Brian thing. and when she walked in today, i guess she couldnt take it. she walked out. i chased after her. and the rest is history.....

have you ever found someone that you could talk to forever. and not get bored of? i mean... TALK to for the ENTIRE day. having gaps for pee pee breaks ofcourse. someone that you could spend the whole day with from the morning until late into the night. then talk to them on the phone until 4 or 5 in the morning. and to do that on a daily basis.
cuz see... i got lucky. i happened to find someone like that. then i found someone else like that. unfortunate that they both came at the same time, but i feel so lucky to have them both in my life. the hard part was CHOOSING. i guess that decision was made for me today. when she walked in. and i ran after her. my heart did the choosing for me.... and i guess it swung her way.

on a different, yet similar note.... me and bri had dreams about each other this morning. he woke up me up 730am. talked til 1030. 30 minutes later i was at his pad. chilled til i had work. after work we hookah-ed. its been like that lately... we talk. we sleep. we talk. we hang out. we talk. we sleep. its an endless blissful cycle. BAH. and now he's about to walk out of my life. DAMNIT. did i screw up? maybe i just need to put it all in perspective. she rocks my world. but then again.... i was in rebound mode.

....and this is my dilemma.


August 7, 2002
dear EMIL, sorry for saying you got a little tubby... err... you gained a little weight. but you know its true. see what having a gf does to you? j/k. and i never thanked you for hookin it up w/ your cool friend Bri (also now my cool friend bri). and next time me and erik hang out, we promise to call you. but you better answer. cuz we know you dont have mobile to mobile. and we know that your weekends are never free cuz you have a girl to tend to.

dear ERIK, i would click on that link of the pictures you took. (one being for me), but when i click, it takes me back to your page. hmm. we have all been MISLINKED! FYI... yeah. so email it to me or something. or fix the link. or something. hey... i've been OUT these past few nights. and my mom didnt say anything. WOW! see, she's not mean. just misunderstood.

remember how i was whining and moaning about me n bri not having much of the serious talks? well they've been getting a little more serious lately. i guess we've come to the point where if we DONT talk about serious issues, the friendship is just gonna be another errday thang. so we've talked. love. life. and the sort. what can i say... i admire his character. ah mi. what a predicament ive gotten myself into.

before i forget....
"hey it's green" "yeah i know its green... OH! OH! CRAP!"
"hey can ducks fly?"
"knock knock... banana.... knock knock... banana.... knock knock... orange... orange you glad i didnt say banana?"
"eeeeeeee.eeeeeee"
duck duck duck duck GOOSE!

got off work early today. headed up north to get a taste of the cheesecake that bri made me. DAMN THAT SHIT WAS GOOOOOOD! homie can BAKE! raspberry cheesecake w/ a chocolate topping..... FROM SCRATCH. yeah. he can bake. how awesome is that. we did a little people watching. did a little window shopping. then his pad to watch The Mothman Prophecies. it was a good movie. i think i coulda been more freaked out had we not been cracking jokes throughout the movie. but that shit was still freaky. made me JUMP. like a monkey.

hmmm. there is a 4door blue integra on its way over. damnit. destination? unknown again. holy crap. and there is a song. on the radio. begging me to leave. fuck me.

can you help me? im all out of love. but im saving forever for you.


August 6, 2002
after the night i had last night, i thought that NOTHING could ruin the rest of my day. BUT... i was wrong. but before i get to that, lemme tell you about the WONDERFUL night i had last night.
rolled out at 930ish to mira mesa. our plans kinda fell through for coffee and chit chat. so we were just gonna wing it. we ended up sightseeing. i took him to places he's never been, and he took me to places ive never been. and then we did some view-hunting. it was AWESOME. san diego is beautiful!!! we ran out of destinations, so we hit up the new park on CalleCristobal and played in the playground. felt like a little kid again. except i was a little too big for everything and everything was all wet. by the end of the night both of our asses were soaked with dew. got hungry, so we hit up dennys. ended the night there at 430ish cuz i had work in the morning. got home. talked for another hour, and knocked out. i awoke to the sound of dilemma playing on my radio. hopped out of bed, and drove my happy ass to work. i lack sleep. but im happy.

and then... BULLSHIT. jason came to work and i strolled to the bank. i had 8 deposits chillin in my backpack. and i get the SLOWEST teller. my hotboy-teller-jason-that-i-wanna-ask-out was tryin to talk to me, but slow girl kept talking and talking and talking and talking. so we couldnt talk much cuz he had to get back to work. BOOO! after about 45 minutes, i was done. dug around my backpack for my hands-free to call up Bri... but no hands free. fuck. looked a little deeper, and discovered that all my cash was gone. MOTHERFUCKER. i got JACKED. its not enough that my tummy was grumbling louder than a fucking lion. and that i still havent received my checkcard/atmcard in the mail. and that i just withdrew that shit yesterday. FUCK ME. i was PISSED. i wanted to knock out every motherfucker that i saw passing in the street. wanted to kick in each of those fuckers' faces. cuz it coulda been any one of those assholes that strolled into our stockroom and gone through my shit. needless to say, i was ready to get my ass home. fuck that.
called up bri. bitched about my problem. and he found a way to make me feel a little better. or at least be okay enough to continue my shift. damnit. we had such a wonderful morning/night out. and then all this shit happens. i think its time for a four-peat. its been 3 nights in a row. one more wont hurt. he even made me a cheesecake today. cuz you know... cuz we're cheese.

but BLEH. im still pissed about the whole thing. but i figger, it's God's way of making me pay for my arnettes. aint karma a bitch?


August 5, 2002
this is gonna be a this-is-what-i-did-today entry. please feel free to leave at any time. or better yet, cruise the links.

after work yesterday me n bri went to go watch SIGNS. well first we took an evening stroll around downtown. got a little grub, and went to watch. hrmpphh. ive been branded with the label of "POPULAR." it wasnt enough that when we were chillin in his hood that i had to give a bunch of people hugs at every destination... but it happened again last night. we only went downtown, mission n fashion.... but seems like everyone and their mom is followin me. well no, not really. our first destination was downtown. how u figger my big sis works there. fashion was the same. ran into cyrus, nellie, vron, and james (ooh. and seeing james is a whole nother story). saw a couple of cadets. then we headed to mission. bunch of betas there. among them aaron, cliff and brandon. signs was sold out, so we headed back to fashion. OOH. signs is GOOOOOOD. im not easy to scare at a movie... but that shit.... man. for the first time in my life, i buried my head out of fear. so SIGNS is highly recommended.
got home around 230ish. i think i musta stayed in the car for another half hour cuz bri was scarin the bageebies out of me and i couldnt bring myself to leave the comfort of my car. 330 rolled around and i was pooped. bri said "come on. you can make it for another 15 minutes" well that 15 minutes turned into another couple of hours. haha... more interesting stories! good fun. we were having a CHEESE competition. i dont think either of us won, but we both showed how cheesy we could be. if i wasnt having so much fun, i think i would have hurled.

OH YEAH!!! so before i got to bri's pad, i decided to make a quick stop at QUICKLY. perfect timing too! they were trying out a few new menu items, and i got to be the ginuea pig. ate a bit of chicken while they were makin my MarkAnthonyRonnel specials and rolled out. that was some good chicken. i guess plans are to make quickly a mini restaurant. but if you ask me, that place is a little small.

the other night jeanelle and i went to meet up w/ bri for hookah. bri got there a couple of hours earlier w/ his coworkers so he didnt wanna toke on ours. jeanelle was smokin all week so she wasnt feelin it. so i smoked that damn hookah on my own. 5 coals in an hour by myself. and i wasnt even feelin it. that shit was THICK too. but mmmm! apple mint. very good. havent had that flavor since the first time i smoked hookah w/ iczer. hit up dennys afterwards and got home at around 430ish. couple more hours on the phone and we both knocked out. neither of us had our coffee that day. both worked full shifts. both woke up at around 9am.... from falling asleep after our usual until-4am talk. so needless to say, the conversation that night was a little interesting. the randomest shit comes out of your mouth when you're tired and lack rest. ..... and the cheese began.
but hookah was good. gave me a chance to get a lot out of my head. there has been a lot occupying my teeny little brain. add to my problems a couple of others' problems w/ their significant others, and you've got a puddle of mush in my head. jan and jeanelle have given me quite a handful. makes me wanna rethink my future profession in the psychology department. but... nah... you know i love it.

its been a good weekend. been fun. the best part? my mom knows all about it.

on my way out. hmmm.... and our adventure for tonight? no clue. ill fill you in later. *wink wink*


August 3, 2002
watching REAL WORLD on MTV actually helped me through some things. hmm. go figure.

just realized that Bri and i dont do much of the serious talk.... err... meaning we've never talked about relationships and love and what not. guess its because he knows that its a touchy subject with me. and its a hard topic to bring up and discuss because he's never really been in love before. its always been hard. me, being the ... umm... "experienced" one all the time in relationships. i always find the never-had-much-experience-in-relationship guys.
but i want to bring it up with him. i want to see if this friendship can be taken to the next level. cuz honestly, i felt horrible for crying the other night. not because of the whole mark thing, (well, it was the reason that i was crying) i felt bad cuz the entirety of our acquaintance, bri has always seen me as a happy-go-lucky-never-frowin person. and for me to just up and cry all up in his face like that.... he must have been stunned. so i want to introduce him to my serious side. i always crack jokes about erijane giving him drama. but i know that i can be just as much drama as she is. hey, let's face it... girls are drama. period.
but maybe we've never talked about it because there's never been a reason to. we've talked about past relationships. what worked, and what didnt. see, but that's the thing. we dont talk about the present. we dont talk about the future. we dont talk about what each of us wants in a relationship. maybe its because we're both scared of what can happen. we click so well. but... there are forces that are desparately trying to pull us apart. as for why... im not exactly sure. (you know, except for the OBVIOUS... the whole mistress thang) but somehow we always manage to overcome that.
so maybe im just in rebound mode.... or maybe its because of his rule-number-1 status.... or maybe....

or maybe this is me distracting myself from other issues...


8.2.02.stuck.at.home.on.friday.night.AGAIN
a little story i'd like to share. with you. courtesy of hung tran. this story is entitled ALONE WITH YOU
But when I dream, I dream of you・

I'm sitting on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art waiting for you・I can feel the cool stone beneath my bottom as I watch the tourists come and go. Some of them mug for pictures while others have maps open and are planning their next stop. A crowd of elementary school kids rush by in front of me in a blur of colorful hats and backpacks. After they pass, there you are in front of me. You smile and sit down next to me. The day is gray and cold and it feels nice to have you with me. We say nothing as we people watch.

It's raining. I'm standing under a street lamp holding my jacket over us. You are reading a rain soaked flyer and we are somewhere in Brooklyn. This is your great plan for finding an apartment. I watch as a raindrop slides down your face and comes to rest under your chin. You tear off a phone number from the flyer and beam a hopeful smile at me. Your glasses are covered with rain droplets. At that moment, I resist the urge to kiss you.

It's snowing and I'm sitting on a mountainside waiting for you・I peer over my shoulder and see you coming sliding down on your snowboard. It's your first day and I congratulate myself on my skills as your personal snowboard instructor. Just as you slide pass my spot, you catch the front edge of your snowboard and flip over. As you pull your face out of the snow, you look at me with this helpless expression. I'm laughing so hard, I can't get up on my snowboard in order to come over and help you up.

It's a Sunday afternoon and I'm sharing a small table with you at Barnes & Nobles with a window view overlooking Union Square・You are flipping through your stack of magazines, while I read a book. The smell of your cheese bagel makes my stomach grumble. Looking up from your magazines, you giggle and mercifully offer me a bite of your bagel. In return for your act of kindness, I read aloud to you a passage from the book that I thought was well written. Time takes on a fleeting quality as I watch the shadows lengthen and wane across our table. We are lost amid the ever-present flux and flow of urbanites・

I'm sipping a cup of coffee and watching you as we kill time at a magazine stand・We have tickets to go see a play called "The Blue Room." You are busy reading a magazine and do not notice me watching you. Tonight you are wearing a hoodie sweatshirt with a zip up front, Capri pants and of course your trademark brown leather clogs. I wonder what goes through your head when you see me. I wonder what goes through your heart when you are with me. I wonder which is the fool, the girl who is blind to what is right before her or the guy who tries to love such a girl.

I see your name on an e-mail in my inbox. It's been seven months since our falling out. It's been seven months in which I've tried my best to forget you and get on with my life. In the daytime, I go about my life as usual. Work keeps me busy and the evenings I spend in the company of friends. But it is at night in my dreams, where I am alone with you・#060;/i>

well written. specially if you've found yourself in this situation.

p.s. i LOVE it when a guy says he'll call me later and ACTUALLY CALLS. not the next day. not in a week. not even WAY later into the day/night. but in actual, do-able time. hey ladies... when you find someone like that... he's a keeper.

cuz you know we go together like day and night....

August 2, 2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!!! how is my favorite test tube twin doing? hope you have people around you to take care of you tonight. you never called. but that's okay. i understand.

check it out... me and bri have matching mix CDs. i kinda kidnapped him yesterday. he's off to a party tonight. but not drinking. MAN. so what am i gonna do for entertainment tonight?

:::: someone to love you :::: ruff endz
:::: can you help me :::: usher
:::: running away ::::: hoobastank

maybe ill call up my boyfriend-the-slut Doug. haha. which means... NAP TIME!

i really miss my bros. =(


August 1, 2002
erik took FOUR FAT ONES for me. aw. thanks for thinking of me! haha... you know i needed it too! thanks dude.

just getting in some online time before i roll out to mira mesa. yeah. i know... i really need to move up there. me n the pooh bear are plannin on spending the day together cuz he's been gone for a month. plus i need to make the marbrisummermix. and hopefully pick up blue album and green album. but you know... coffee first. pooh bear is being a whiny little girl. so i would like to squeeze in some fun beforehand.

honestly, i dont know how i can spend the whole evening with him and still talk til 530 in the morning. and do that on a daily basis. huh. go figger. maybe im being dragged in by his rule-number-1-force.

hey jan... abby and rachel should hang out one day... dont cha think?