August 31, 2004
in case you were wondering... NO, i still havent been able to get Check-Guy outta my head. and YES, my first day of school went well. but that's not why i'm here today.

i came home today to the news that my brother's dad passed away today. It's been a hard journey for him. he's always been sick. has been paralyzed for the past few years. as much as he suffered and as high his spirits could possibly be, he didnt make it. he leaves a wife and child. both of whom i remember as good people, and both of whom have endured so much and has watched him suffer for so long.

my dad is taking it pretty hard. him and my gramma wont be able to make it to the funeral in the philippines, and that has made things even harder to overcome.

i've never seen my dad like this. not even when his dad died. the family has taken it pretty hard. my youngest brother came into my room about 5 minutes ago trying to hold back his tears. he asked me how i remembered our uncle, and as hard as he tried to fight back the tears, he couldnt.

this is the closest death has come to my immediate family. my first time having to really deal with it. and i apologize if my thoughts dont flow very well, but i'm just in shambles right now. and i'm just trying to let this out as efficiently as i can.

its just that... i've had a friend die of cancer. my grandpa has already passed. i've had a cousin drown while we were swimming in the same ocean. and yet i've never had to deal with this issue before. or at least ive never been mature enough to deal with it. at this point i'm not exactly sure why i'm crying so much. partly because i'm happy that uncle Tony's suffering has finally ended. also because i can only imagine what his wife and my cousin alvin are dealing with. and then there's the part that's generating the most tears, and something that i've been trying to push out of my mind for the longest time. the fact that my parents are mortal. i've known people that have lost parents. and i've always been naive enough to push the thoughts of my parents passing out of my mind. but something like this... i cant help but think about it. and i know i shouldnt. but everybody will eventually die. and something like this comes up and its the only thing you can think of. and i remember all the cliches... and now they dont sound so cliche anymore.

but hey. thanks for listening. i really appreciate it.


August 29, 2004
everytime i think i'm starting to get over Doug, i see him perform and he's done something new to himself that makes me fall in love all over again. the long hair is gone and has been replaced by the messy half-hawk. his performance was poor on the VMAs, but it sounds like he's a little sick. poor thing. he just needs to come home so i can give him the TLC that he needs.

ANYWAY.....

so i went to cash a check yesterday after work. didnt expect to see anyone or anything out of the ordinary. but something happened that blew me away and i still havent been able to shake it out of my system. i dreamt about it. i've pondered. i've tried to rationalize but i still cant come to a sound decision.

i've never believed at love at first sight. didnt even believe in infatuation at first sight. but this... this was incredible. i walked in. we locked eyes. and suddenly... suddenly a lightning bolt struck me and nothing else mattered except that i was talking to someone that i felt ... to be honest, i'm not really sure. i got butterflies. i couldnt think straight. but everything just flowed. everything that happened in those brief ten minutes just felt right. but i walked out the door. regretfully.

i've been trying to rationalize. i know what i SHOULD do. i should let it go and get on with my life. i have a boyfriend that i love. someone that cares and who i've built a very strong foundation with. we dont have problems. we dont have issues. all we have is a future. something not worth throwing away over a ten minute conversation.

.... but a ten minute conversation with someone that pretty much grabbed the ground i was standing on and ripped it away from under my feet. caught me. and is waiting for my next move. i know where he works. he knows my number (from my file). it would be easy to pick up the phone and ask him if it would be cool if i called him sometime. to get to know him better. to get more of those shaky feelings and butterflies that wont go away.

but i wont. and i'm not sure if i'll regret it. but at least i know that if he is someone i'm supposed to be with, that now is not the time to pursue it. we'll cross paths at a better time. yesterday was just a teaser.

but DAMN!!! if God is testing me, this is one hell of a test!


August 24, 2004
so at this point, you must be wondering what's up with the drinking dry spell. and at this point, i'm almost ashamed of myself... partly because of my behavior, and partly because of how weaksauce i've become.

so. it started on the last thursday of July. It was my sister Risse's 21st birthday, and we decided to celebrate with dinner at Bennigans and a follow up at Dave & Busters. I dont know when DnB became the hotspot on thursday nights, but in the course of my absence, it did. So on top of being Risse's bday celebration (which brought together QUITE A FEW of my sisters), it was also Jasmine's (Jay Dohboy's girl) birthday (and with her came various peoples i've met along the way... including samahan people and people from WAAAAAY back in the middle school pager feen days), Renie's bon voyage (with her came all my Bros), and some odd accumulation of very familiar faces. Past, present, ancient history and 3 ex-boyfriends and their friends. The drink count came to 11 that night. and i wish i could tell you they were all bitch drinks, but most were hard shots and best friends, only to include one bitch drink... my absolute madness.

i should have woken up dead the next morning when i had to arrive at work at 8 in the morning. but my alarm sounded at 7am and i greeted the day invigorated by the night before. and at my bedside i find a new beagle named Samantha and a Pony named Elmer that i stole from my friend Beef. I looked at the pictures, and the whole crazy night came flooding back. I went to work. chipper than normal.

It should have stopped there. but it didnt. saturday night at Cannes. It was Victory's first 21+ party in the main room, so we had to go. and Cannes means Category 10s and being able to enjoy oneself in the great outdoors with a drink in your hand. That night was odd. it felt like i was the only one without a kid and a rock on my ring finger. add to that the blast from the past hangin out with Jeff-O and rendell. drink counts were at a minimum. only had 4 that night, but 2 of which that counted as 3 each. (you can only ingest so much 151 without setting a limit)

the next morning, again i expected to wake up with a mean hangover. leaving at 2 in the morning and having to drive home from mira mesa after a one hour nap at 3:30 in the morning hardly leaves one to have enough recovery time when the alarm sounds at 8 in the morning. but no hangover. still was burping up alcohol the next morning, but no tummy turbulence along the way. erik says it's because i'm an alcoholic. i brushed it off that night, only to have it haunting me the week after.

and yes. the week after. Cher's 22nd birthday. i had to usher her into being in the horrible 22nd year of life. once again, thursday night at D&B. needless to say, i was the social butterfly again. but this time i was able to keep track of where brian was for most of the night (usually i end up leaving him somewhere and he goes off to play games). Drink counts came to 6. and i never thought i would say it, but i drank my jagerredbulls a little too fast, leaving me queasy in the morning.

YES! i was queasy in the morning. my body had finally gotten sick of the drinking (oh. and i forgot to mention me n a work buddy made it a habit to take advantage of the bar i stash in my trunk when we were at work). That morning i woke up heaving acid and french fries into my toilet, only to have to be at work an hour later. But at least i came home with a turtle named Mick and the satisfaction of hanging out with my very first lil sis and my starbucks brother John.

that morning, i swore off alcohol until Bri's birthday. which was yesterday. celebrated at D&B (where else) and AirConditioned (a cool retro bar).

and i'm happy to say, i'm slowly rebuilding my tolerance.... but i dont intend to get drunk any time soon. my name is Mar, and i'm a recovering alcoholic.


August 22, 2004
so we're drivin down Willow St. and pass by a building resembling an elementary school. I reflexively look up to see which historical figure the school is named after, and was surprised by what the sign proudly called the old building. It was the Long Beach Association for Retarded Citizens (ARC). I'm not shittin you. how WRONG!

it was an interesting day. LOTS of traffic heading up on the 5. which was very odd for a sunday. and the ONLY Roscoes House of Chicken and Waffles that we've NEVER had to wait for a table for... had a waiting list. =( Thankfully, it wasnt a long wait. But regardless... a wait it was. If you've ever had to sit in a Roscoes waiting area while you savor the smell of the chicken and the sweet syrup.... every second tests your patience.

BAH. and for some reason, someone has sprayed me with people repellent. Nobody wants to talk to me these days. is it cuz i'm fat?


August 14, 2004
YO. happy BERFDAY MR. NEMO!!!! happy 23rd old fart! haha, j/k mind twin! hope you have a good one. i'll see you tomorrow.... ice cream and taco bell?

YO. ya'll gotta get an EYETOY!!! that shit is GREAT!!! i love it!

and i know i promised to post those other posts. i will. i promised. but i never have them on me when i get close to a computer. =( no worries. i still love you!


August 12, 2004
a LOT has happened. too bad i have no computer to type on. but i've been posting the old school way. in my JOURNAL. dont worry. it wasnt in my leatherbound. it wasnt THAT serious. mostly just drunk stuff. and stuff. i was drunk A LOT. and now i quit. till the 23rd anyway. man. no more dnb thursdays. erik can vouch for me on that. .... if his DRUNK ASS can remember any of it. alkie.

i love you all. i promise i'll do a post script. cuz it was meant to go on here. i just never posted it.