February 28, 2001
surprise, surprise...yet another horrid day. woke up late. dumb alarm clock. got to school late. 5 minutes late to my first class... so i was already marked absent. i still have charcoal all over my fingers from art class. well... at least it will deter customers when i hand out flyers. so hmm... lets see. oh yeah... i ended up spending an extra $50 on a biology book. shoulda gone to class. silly me. now i gotta study outta the book. how suck. rain rain go away. PLEASE go away while i drive and work. oh yeah. my battery blew up. gotta get a new one. WEAK. that shits expensive. do i have money? not exactly. argh. and another customer is coming in today with a bad phone. i told him to go with Nokia. now he cant get a different phone. next time people should listen to me. today just generally sucks. oh yeah. meeting after work. so i gotta stay up late tonight to study cuz i have work for 10 hours tomorrow. then the midterm on friday morning. and from what ive heard about his tests... damnit. im screwed. ditching sucks. i gotta get my shit straight.


2.27.01pm
wellwellwell. yet another day off full of uselessness. probably slept for half of the day. spent the rest of the day doing a bunch of nothing. coulda studied. coulda cleaned. coulda went out. but NOTHING! again. because im such a lazy sack of poo. no. i think i had too much time. i need pressure to work. argh. pressure sucks. and its scary outside. thunder. lightning. NO! its gonna get me! damn. did i stop making sense again? its okay. thatshow its been all day. streamline of thoughts. never ceasing to end with its confusion and emotion. i shoulda gone to the museum. i shoulda studied for my midterm. i shoulda bought my book. i shoulda went to the bank. i shoulda gotten a haircut. i shoulda cleaned my room. i shoulda done my laundry. i shoulda gone to the dry-cleaners. i shoulda done my lab. i shoulda gotten my tv fixed. i shoulda called my brother. i shoulda visited people. i shoulda charged my phone. i shoulda gone to work. i shoulda dusted my computer. i shoulda worked out. i shoulda downloaded music. i shoulda talked to my parents.... which reminds me... im planning a trip to disneyland during SDSU spring break. anyone wanna go?
post script:: MARch calendar is up and empty

2.27.01am
i think imma put in a lot of entries today. but that's okay. this is to make up for all of those times that i lagged like crazy. and imma probably be helluva busy all week... so save an entry per day! hee.
i started writing an entry about couples awhile ago... when i was in school.. but halfway through the second sentence, i didnt know what to write about... so i just nixed the whole thing. kinda sucks. but oh well... so couples. i see them everywhere. and i wonder about them. what kind of problems they have. how they met. why they're together. how long they've been together. what kind of attraction it is. just a lot of stuff. and then i begin to wonder what it is that is just incredibly special about a few of them. because if you've mall-watched as much as i have, you see which couples actually love each other, and which dont. it's really obvious ((to me at least)). and then i get this weird little feeling in the pit of my stomach. because im not sure if im feeling jealousy, or if its because i despise them. you know.. the PDA... the loveydoveyness of it all. am i jealous because i dont have genaro with me? or am i jealous because i think that their love is greater than ours? or am i jealous because they might be happier? or is it because their incessant public display of affection makes me sick to my stomach? or is it the burrito i had the other night?
but in each and every case.... there are the perspectives of each person. and then there is the perspective of the couple. now whether the girl thinks she is the boss and the guy thinks he wears the pants in the relationship, and as a couple, the perspective is that the woman has power... it really depends on the relationship. but its always interesting to make up stories as couples pass by. create histories, imagine rendezvous, and generally using them as puppets in my imagination. aaahhhhh amor.
i make no sense. but that's okay.

February 27, 2001
YES! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH! FINALLY! I FOUND SOMEONE THAT UNDERSTANDS!!!!! yes. its nearly 1 i the am and i am taking full advantage of being off from work AND school tomorrow! WOOOO! but anyhow... ive been clicking links all night, just looking for something interesting to read... perhaps stumbling upon a fellow interesting blogger. so i went to nEmO's site, click on the guestbook, and it's my buddy angeli as the last hit on his gbook. {{{come to think of it.. i bet she clicked there from here. HEE! links RULE!}}} so i click, and loe and behold.. she's a BLOGGER!!! wooo! yey angeli! oh yeah... back to the point... i was reading through her journal... and i stumbled across wunna her entries... and it sounds like wunna my BeyondmaRfiles entries.... goes a little something like this...
You know what else annoys me? people confusing over kindness with love... ok? i guess in a way they are related but.... so, i'm nice to this one guy (for example...) i'm not trying to mack on them... i'm not trying to get with them... more like just showing them hey... i'm a good friend, a good person, i'm here for you... next thing you know it... they like you? that's pretty frustrating... when all i want is a friend... i get someone who is after something more than just a friend. its hard to trust people now a days. oh well... maybe there are things that aren't meant to be understood. hee hee. angeli... i think you'll be wunna the first people i link to BeyondmaRfiles. =) YEY! i found a replacement for Gerard! angeli can be my new parallel! so =P to you gerard! JUST KIDDING! ur the bestest gerard. the bestest most beautifulest ever.


2.26.01
go away brian. i dont like you. i liked JAMES. not you. you're too angry. you're too cold. you're the reason james went away. you're the reason im hurting right now. you're too stubborn. not in a good way either. yeah. try it. see what happens. ill laff when you fall away and james comes back. because you're WEAKER than james. you act like you're the strong one. you're wrong. go ahead. see how long it lasts until something breaks through. james can take on a million times more than you. because he's not weak like you. you run away. you run away at the first sign. that's a sign of weakness. and you dont see it. poor fool. you think you can hide in your mask of fearlessness. dont lie to yourself. you think that being unemotional will solve everything. YOU'RE WRONG!!! that solves nothing. that just makes everything bounce offa you and set it flying at an even deadlier pace. but go for it... see how long you last Brian. you weakling.


February 26, 2001
im at a loss for words. maybe it's because i spent most of the night trying to finish up my art portfolio and trying to study for my first test in that class (which only took me less than 5 minutes by the way....and i know i did perfect). im tired. my whole being is exhausted. and bloated. and cramped. PMS-ing sucks big nuts. im wunna the unlucky ones that are normal only one week of the month. argh. but anyways... im at a loss for good words. man this entry sucks. not even worth posting. oh well. i wrote it out. might as well post. this sucks. wow. what a dynamic vocabulary i have.


February 25?, 2001
it's the beginning of midterms. as always, im LAGGIN. behind on work. behind on studying. behind on pretty much everything in school. because.. hey.. i lag. leave me alone. but... i find myself at the computer trying to relieve some of this tension by reading up on my bloggerfiles during the weeee hours of the night. everyone being so happy doesnt exactly help my attitude. oh well.
yannowut? ditching is BAD. if you start a semester without ditching... goooood job! ditch ONCE... and you're dead. {{see james? damnit james. it's all your fault.}} because you get addicted. then you start missing out on lectures. miss big ass chunks of information. then you keep ditching cuz you're so lost on the material. then you ditch more hoping to study in order to catch up. but in the end... you're just getting behind more and more and more. then you end up getting some drippy-nosed tutor that just wants to get into your pants. thank God i havent gotten to the point of that last part... but GEEEZ! ditching bad. no more ditching. sophomore year good. me graduate early. MATUMBA! {{huh?}}


February 24, 2001
i have this problem with right-clicking. well, simply because it's the best way to learn for me. i right-click, view source, and read read read. it's cool. now if i could only understand java, i'd be okay. too bad im still stuck in html mode. it sucks. i need to learn java. i feel so behind. it's like when all of my friend were signing on, and my computer still didnt even have a phone modem installed. that sucked. im still bajillions of years behind some 10 year olds in this country. sucks big pinyot.
argh. why am i so cranky? why am i so frustrated? why am i so bleh? bleh bleh bleh. that's all it is. BLEH. me go sleep now. me need rest. hmph.


February 23, 2001
did i ever express to you my dislike of females? well.. not necessarily all females, but there are enough of them that piss me of that i have to write something about it. okay okay. there are about 25% of females in this world that i can stand. but the rest... argh. you know the them... the hoochies. the sluts. the know-it-alls. the prisses. the princesses. the daddy's girls. the fake girls. the prude sluts. the snobs. the copycats. the trendies. the typpies. well... pretty much a majority of the female race just bugs me. tey just need to get over it. get over themselves. just get over whatever it is that makes them irritating. or whatever. ugh. no more girls. most girls suck. (please dont take that literally... even tho it can be.)


February 21, 2001
did you ever have one of those days? you know.. one of those days... one when it seems that nothing is going right, and that everyone is GONE. see... here's my situation... i feel like im finally starting to pull out of this rut that im in... and so, ofcourse i wanted to have a mini-celebration by being with kick-it-friends. but... nothing. or perhaps it would be better to say... NO ONE. here comes life again, kicking my ass and telling me that my contemplating is far from over, and that i must be alone. so basically, i've been at school for about 5 hours, and only 1 of those hours were spent in class. the other 4 were spent in solitude, trying to find a way out of my loneliness. pretty sad right? that at the time that i finally want to be around people, at a time when i feel congenial.... i take a flying leap into the ground face first and eat it.


February 20, 2001
it is not easy being Libra, the sign symbolizing justice and balance. they are programmed to make informed choices, yet their substantial mental powers make it imperative to see the complexity of each and every situation. it is never easy making a decision with a Libra around, especially when opposing values are in conflict. others make fun of Libra's inability to decide and taunt them by saying they vacillate, but Libra knows better-- only fools see things in black and white. remember how i said "dont insult me, im probably smarter than you"? ignorance is bliss my friend.
yeah yeah yeah. Libras are indecisive. we also avoid conflict at all costs, run around in circles, and are charming to everything that comes our way. but we're also the best lovers, best friends, best judges, and the cutest people on the face of this planet. haha. just kidding about that last part. ugh. what's my point? keep running with me. we'll stop this circle eventually. {{{HAH!}}}


February 19, 2001
life periodically likes to kick me in the groin and leave me there to think about my actions. then, after a few solid hours or days of suffering and thinking, he comes back and helps my dumbass to find my way back. but while i was alone in the cold, dark, and lonely silence, i try to see where i went wrong. i open my eyes and adjust, in order to make myself stronger. because i see my mistakes. i point them out, i confront them (in my head) and i try to find a solution. i prioritize everything in my life and i focus. i focus on those few important factors and i put all of my energy into improving it.... into improving myself. then afterwards... here comes life again... strolling along as if nothing happened, but also recognizing that i have become a stronger, smarter person.


February 16, 2001
why is this happening? why do i feel this way? im losing myself again and i dont know why. im regressing back into that "whatever happens happens and i have no control over any fucking aspect of it" mode again. im just not caring anymore whether my life is headed in the right direction or not. no clue. nothing. its like someone sucked the life out of me. usually this happens when i do something that goes against my character. thats a question left unanswered. because right now, im so confued. im confused about my character. sucks. i need someone to pull me back to reality. set me back on my original path and run with me to get me going again. so i have a partner to keep me motivated so that i dont stray off my path again. so i can stop taking slacker breaks that get me absolutely nowhere and just kill my perception of the future. i need my motivator, my partner.. my guide.


February 15, 2001
yes, actually, i DID miss updating on the oh-so-over-rated Valentines Day. no, it's not because i was out dancing the night away. no, it's not because i was making sweet love to my honey. no, it was not because i was having the most romantic day in my life. actually... eh. i had to work. genaro's on the ship. use your imagination and figure it out yourself.
work sucks. i stand around for over 8 hours doing nothing. trying to sell a phone to old white people who would care less that im freezing my ass off trying to make a living. then there are the punk ass white boys that try to get all smart with me. and i cant forget the ghetto black people that look down on me because they think im all white washed. Al and Albert keep me entertained. so it should be okay. ill live. but minimum wage sucks, and so do sales. argh.
okay. damnit. im starting to feel like im some boring old fuck that leads a monotonous life. well... damn. im a boring old fuck that leads a monotonous life. save me! save me! SAVE ME!


February 13, 2001
only in dreams
when i was a little girl, my mommy used to always talk to me while i was asleep. im one of those people that have overactive brains. it doesnt turn off automatically when i fall asleep, and it wakes up earlier than the rest of me in the morning. so naturally, when someone is talking to me right before i hit the KO-ed button, then my subconscious likes to stay out and play some more. so i talk in my sleep. and i dont remember. which sucks. well, sometimes i remember. but i remember the whole episode as a dream sequence. so it really doesnt make a difference. well anyhoo, lately, my test tube twin over here has managed to pull that off and talk to me whiles im sleepin. i dont remember it. and he wont tell me what happens. damn.
dear twinsters... you are my best friend. you are my favoritestestbestest twin. you are my topping of the season. but damnit... sometimes you are my worst headache. stop keeping shit from me. tell me this shit please. you know how it hurts my little brain when i talk to you in my sleep and you dont tell me what the hell i said.
or maybe it was just a dream. damnit.


February 12, 2001
i only hold grudges with those people who never apologize or acknowledge that they did me wrong. whtether it be ignoring me, talking shit, or insulting my character... i dont care... if you don't apologize, if you dont acknowledge you mistake, then i dont like you. i wont like again for a while. and the longer you ignore it, the longer i will keep holding the grudge. a little side note here: i have got to be one of the most forgiving people on this planet. you can wrong me so much, but as long as you apologize, then its all gravy. as long as you know you did something wrong, or said something to offend me and you apologize for it, then its okay. mistakes are made, and i understand that. just prove to me that you want me to stick around, and its all good. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT + APOLOGY = FORGIVENESS. simple as that.
oh yeah.. before i forget to mention it... i go by this with EVERYONE::: best friends, ex-friends, family, acquaintances, strangers... and boyfriends too. no exceptions boyee. just remember that a simple, genuine "im sorry" can go a long way.


2.11.01.quickie.
in response to:: WHO?: (Site) Location: Signed on: Thu Feb 1 02:09:48 2001 Message: about that airhead entry... isn't it yeah, THEY'RE a good laugh? not "yeah, their a good laugh"? yeah. big typo. i run into those a lot cuz i dont edit and i usually type it all out without thinking about spelling, grammar, or any of that shit. emotions shouldnt be edited, so why should i edit whim-entries? that just takes all the fun outta them.


February 11, 2001
things have changed so dramatically over the past week that it seems like the transition took a matter of weeks, or even months. i guess it hit me last night, while iw as chillin with my old pretzel crew. they were cleaning as usual, and i just came by to visit for a while after work. looking around the store, everything from the pretzels, to the back room, to the signs have changed. even the overall aura of the store. it's no longer the friendly store. it's a corporate run store. it's horrible how cold the atmosphere was. how much tension was in the air. how much things have changed. and it was just barely a week ago that i quit. it was barely a week ago that i started my new job. everything fell apart once i left. even cinnabon was affected by it. elliot and sarah were affected by it. everything changed. i knew the store would change, but i never thought that it would be this dramatic. i never thought that so much could happen in one week. it's weird because i'm forming a new bond with these people where i work now. we worked for barely 8 hours together, and there's this comfort zone already. damn. sometimes i wish i didnt conform so easily. if transitions were a little bit harsher on me, then this week woulda seemed like a week instead of a month. but damn. i dunno. shit happens so fast nowadays, ya can't even tell anymore.
p.s. entry in beyond maRfiles if ya wanna check it out.


February 9, 2001
posted 2.11.01
remember when you were small and you developed a crush on someone? spend all your time rationalizing why this person {{who you probably didnt even know}} was THE ONE. a purely physical attraction trying to be reationalized byt a prepubescent mind. you've probably already forgotten everything about that person at this stage i life, but... when that person passes you by unexpectedly, expect to have a rush of juvenile emotions to overwhelm you.
let's call my childhood crush Mr. AV. Mr. AV entered my life when i was in 4th grade. he was a 5th grader in Mr. Boyd's honor class, and our classrooms were in the same building, about 2 rooms apart. i remember the first time i ever saw him. my class was passing through his class's lines, and our eyes locked. those few moments stayed with me for a very long time, and always kept me wondering what was going on behind those chinky eyes of his. i even remember following home once because his house was on the way to my cousin's house. when my fourth grade year ended, i didnt see him for a long time afterwards. i would see pictures in yearbooks, id occasionally see him outside of his house, but i didnt see him again in person until high school. now in college, i saw him again. it's cool how he's evolved with my "type." from the jean-jacket-innocent-school-boy, to the breaker/gangster/dickies stage, to the pretty-boy-racer, and now.. the non-chalant-bald-guy-with-the-cute-glasses. funny how things change, all the while remainig the same.


February 8, 2001
my books, notebooks, and backpack has hoards of flyers, invitations and information concerning Spring Rush 2001. i must have been approached by as many asian sororities as there are out there, and then some. as i flip through those colorful flyers, i see pictures of all of these girls sharing a tight, sisterly bond. and it makes me yearn for that. yeah, i have plenty of firends, but there is about a 10:1 ratio of guys to girls. that's why when a guy buddy asks me to hook him up, i can never hink of a friend-girl to fix him up with beacuse i completely lack in that department. ask james for a girl it sucks because when i really think about it, i have a ton of acquaintances that are girls, but not a lot of them can really be considered friends. if i cant even consider them friends, then where the hell are my sisters? damnit.
being the only girl in the family, i was raised in a household nurturing masculine traits. i was basically a tomboy while i was growing up. yeaht it was easy to get guy friends, but i was always o the outside of all of those girl circles. i've never had an ultra-girly bond with a group, or anyone at that., i've always wanted one, and i came close with CG. but... CG harbored manliness. BOO. so.. i yearn what i lack. typical human psychology. and i lack in girly skills. damnit. nevermind. im just babbling again.


February 6, 2001
no matter how much you think you love life and the people around you, no matter how full you think you're living your life, no matter how much you think you're taking care of those around you... it's never enough. because you will always take things, people... LIFE... for granted. think what you will, and try to convince yourself that you dont... but in the end you'll find that you're just lying to yourself. what's my point? my point is the same as it's always been::: DO SOMETHING. be little kinder to those in your presence. take some time offa your busy schedule, offa your studies, offa your sleep time, and go spend it on something less productive. smell some roses. call your mom. say 'i love you' to everyone that you do love. clean your room. if you take things for granted, they'll disappear. yagotta appreciate everything. whether it be your luck, your boyfriend, your car, your house, your job... man. this is what God has given you. stop focusing on the bad shit. that's what makes bitter old fools with a lot of money. they never learn to appreciate shit and they end up being crabby their whole lives. do YOU wanna end up like that? didnt think so. so contemplate foo.


February 5, 2001
somebody spank me. just cuz im happy. yanno why? CUZ IM EMPLOYED AGAIN!! WOOO! i start tomorrow. alriiiiggghhht. well, as for now, it's just a temporary job. hey... i must say.. that was the shortest period of unemployment i've ever heard of. 2 days. what a trip. good? i think so.
so what is this new venture that i am embarking upon? hm... lemme see. i am now a cellular service consultant. aka phone sales girl. you can find me at the pac bell store in Grossmont center. new friends! yey! hey nellie n twinsters.... i took ur advice and got away from my mall. ahhh new horizons... it's such a fresh new adventure. who knows what awaits me? well... as long as im getting paid, and as long as my bills get paid.. then it's all good. *whew* and i thought i was pathetic.


February 4, 2001
new gen racers
as i drive across the freeways of san diego, i see many racers zooming in and out of traffic or cruising in lane one at 75mph. i remember a couple of years ago when i first started getting into all of this stuff, i was astounded when some guy put an integra front on a civ hatch with a prelude motor. at that time, it was unheard of to do that kind of stuff. remember when it was awesome when someone actually got supra tail lights to fit in the back of an mr2? remember when hitting 10s on the 1/4 was unheard of? remember when adam didnt even have his nsx yet? remember when a full body kit and the right kind of paint won awards at shows? remember when there were no showoffs? remember the first issue of import tuner? man. that's crazy. nowadays, your car isnt even considered a part of the mild class without some sort of conversion. when the standard is either chameleon paint or some oingo boingo sticker job. ugh. where am i getting at? im not so sure. i think it's because the fact that there's a show and go division bugs me. why? let's start with the term "racing." hey.. did you know that body kits have a purpose? more airflow into the engine bay. humongoid wings? they're for rear wheel drive cars. lip spoilers? front wheel drive. where does the "show" division fit in here? hmmm.... i guess it's because they're fixing up import cars. argh.
i don't even know why i started writing this. oh yeah.. now i remember. it's because whenever i see a car with all of these unnecessary parts, all of these UGLY modifications, all of these cars with wild (but ugly) sticker schemes, all of these insane paint jobs that just look out of this world, i just get pissed. because these modifications serve no purpose, because they look ugly, are useless, and just scream for attention. it's like when fat chicks put on full on hoochified outfits to get attention. granted it's the wrong kind of attention, but it's still attention. get my point? where is the import scene headed? damn.


February 3, 2001
so i quit my job. last night. wrote a 3-page letter to my boss and faxed it over after i closed. left my keys. cried with my buddies. and that was that. and now i sit here and think to myself, wondering what i will be doing for the next month or so. maybe Mrs. Fields. maybe Cinnabon. maybe... no... i can't get away from the mall just yet. i have too many friends there that i would miss terribly. there would be too many scents that i'd miss. too many weirdos, too many typpies, too much conversation that i just can't leave behind. oh.. i'd go hungry too. i'd die without mall food. malnutrition or something.
BUT... i can't go back and say that i want to work there again. because honestly, i dont. i dont want to deal with the utter lack of respect that i get from those new old fogies that work there. just because i'm a helluva lot younger, just because im a minority, just because i know what has to be done, that the basics must be learned before you start doing other shit. because i know better. because i know how to handle my crew in a completely different way than they do. because i have common sense and they have money sense. fuck that. i will not be belittled because i think straight. they can kiss my ass. they can let the store crumble because their theories are wrong. tooo bad for them.
oh well.... i got high. i fucked up. it was an experience. but im not gonna do it again. not to crack down on the potheads, but.. its not for me.


February 2, 2001
i've been going through a lot of changes lately. and it makes me quiestion my being as a person. am i really who i think i am? or am i pulling so many facades over my head that i can no longer tell which me is me? or which desire is coming from within and not from the outside? all those those girly impulses that i've never had before. all the shopping, prepping, pinks, lavenders, babies, and puppies. why? why? WHY?! when i sit and look back and wonder what triggered this questioning of my being, and then remember, i laugh. because i remember sitting in class and looking over at some chick's manicure. it was nice. clean. perfect. girly. and i liked it. i admired it. then it hit me. why do i admire it? why do i want to do the same thing? why is this ultra-girly-girl now finally emerging? it's AFTER high school. high school is the time when you do all of that unnecessary superficial girly-girl crap. argh. man o man o man. this sucks. i grow backwards.


February 1, 2001
if you ever meet anyone in your lifetime that you can just sit and talk with for a very long time and not get bored, stay with that person. if you ever have a lover that can entertain you for hours on end and never bores you, keep them. if you ever have a friend that never questions the friendship and just cherishes what you have together, by all means keep them in your life. the best kind of relationship is when the people involved never have to question it. "we're complete opposites, so i wonder why we always hang." "he/she's not my type, so why am i so attracted to her/him?" "maybe it's because we HAVE to be around each other all of the time." the best relationships never have those questions in their mind. because if they did, then that just means that whoever is thinking that is trying to find a way out. yeah, it's a nice relationship, but... there's a but. it may be because their opposites, or because the other person doesnt fit right. or maybe because they're around each other so much that it's "best" that they get close. when there is a "but" or a question involved, it kills the whole relationship. the question lingers in the air and haunts the mind. in turn it kills the fluid conversation, dulls the entertainment, and simply puts an splinter in an otherwise great relationship. so if you ever meet anyone that you can have endless conversation with, someone who entertains you, moves you, intrigues you.... and doesnt stop.... don't question it, because you'll ruin it by doing so.