February 26, 2004
dear erik, your lil bro is CUTE! not like puppy-dog cute, but like, "hey, i could hook him up with a sister" cute. i dont think i can get used to seeing you wear greek letters. next time we hang out, we should go wearing letters and be super cool like that. (joke) but i have a question, since you guys dont consider yourselves "greek", does that mean you dont do socials or exchanges with social sororities/fraternities? how does that work? just wondering. i should probably just email you about this, but i figger that you'll eventually read it anyway. 'sides, if you tell your lil bro that some random sd girl thinks he's cute, he might not believe you. so here's the proof! haha joke! unless he's one of those cute people that always thinks that everyone thinks he's cute, then he'll just be like, "yeah, i know big bro. all the girlies think i'm cute!" and that would just be ew. anyway, to make a long story even longer, when the hell are you gonna come down again? i havent heard from you since like a week before you left for the motherland. what goin on here bro? we still have to go for sushi. ooh! and if you're comin down here for spring break, we're goin to PB on a wednesday night. =) k. just call me.

... and for everyone else that's not erik....
i got an email from josh today. thanking the ladies of alpha phi gamma, inc. from the gentlemen of zeta phi rho, inc. for the awesome exchange that we had the other night. that was a good night. =) so i'm planning to keep in touch with him (cuz he's an sd native) and hopefully our two orgs can build a relationship. =) GO GREEK!


February 24, 2004
i think i left at a very late 3am-ish from the RBR last night. i was hungry. and there is no place on campus that late at night to get something decent to nourish yourself. so i decided to cut out with only 2 portions of my paper to finish up. i get to my car and find a parking ticket. fuck. like i needed another one this month. and they jacked the price up to $40 (it used to be $5 cheaper). so i drive home. find nothing to eat but leftover sinigang and like a spoonful of rice. nice. oh well. so i got my work out, and got to it. finished up with my graphs and calculations at about 4ish. brush my teeth. and knock out. 5:30am and my phone alarm is blasting. my brother starts singing in that high-pitched breathy voice of his and i crawl out of bed to shower. drive up the 805 to sorrento and drop that bitch off at work. wake up the bf to let me in the house to finish the last portion of my paper. i finished at 10am this morning. fuckin A. procrastinating sucks balls

i should really be taking a nap right now. yesterday was the same. wake up at 5:30. drop off the bro in sorrento. work 9-6. AphiG meeting at 7. study at 9:45. sleep at 4. wake up at 5:30. i hate the work week. the rain doesnt help either. and why exactly am i not taking a nap? cuz i'm supposed to be in class right now. but i'm volunteering for the bone marrow drive from 1-3. so i gotta be there. and it's 12:26. maybe i should eat. =P

but besides the banal-ness that is my life, the other day i saw my ading ann and her fiance mando. they're cute. he really is a trophy husband. but i'm happy for her. at least they're gettin on with their lives.

and at least all is well in the relationship life. and the greek life. they may never cross again, but hey. it happens that way sometimes.

i only had a red bull this morning. so please excuse the drowsiness. i'll get a decent cup of coffee (V-4-M-N-WC&CRM-WM) in a couple of hours. ack. i'm tired.


February 23, 2004
damnit. i had a MONTH to do this paper. fucking procrastinator. whatever.

anyhoo. we had an exchange with the gentlemen of Sigma Phi Rho this past saturday night. and boy was it a DOOOOOZY! holy crap! chris carraba was there! no. not really, just his taller, cuter twin brother. things happened that (hopefully) won't resurface amongst the non-greeks. yikes! but i met a coupla guys that are sd natives and will hopefully get to hang out with when they chill at home. (hey folks, BTW, i still need a formals date since the bf still isnt feelin the whole greek thaaang.) in any case, i met someone that i would really really really like to be my big bro (but that would make chris-carraba-twin my twin). but he's a super fly brutha that i really clicked with. yippeee for greek life! but yeah. it was a typical sorority function. and you know us AphiG girls know how to throw it down!

okay. no really. i have to get this paper done.


February 20, 2004

Honey, you're just plain fucked up.

Fucked up, any?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm not fucked up. everyone loves me because i'm nice. people only talk about me because they're jealous. i'm not lonely. i just like to be by myself when everyone else is having fun. no really. it's true.

fine. don't believe me. fuck you then.


02.19.04.bleh
did i ever tell you why i didnt wanna pursue going into psych PRACTICE? and why i wanna do RESEARCH?

it's because people come to me for advice pretty often. i dont mind. i like hearing stories and trying to help out. BUT. i really can't stand the stubborn people that dont take your advice and run with it. why bother asking me if you're not gonna take me seriously?

like that whole genaro and fat-cow deal. he asked. i told him what to do. did he listen? NOPE. and what situation is he in now? he's in a miserable relationship that he doesnt wanna be in. with a crazy person that HE cheats on. yeah. REALLY healthy. if he listened to me the first time, he wouldnt have ever been with her. if he listened to me the second time, it wouldnt have been so much drama. if he listened to me the third time, he wouldnt be doing things that he regrets. point being, HE SHOULDA LISTENED.

and now there's this situation with my brother. he keeps asking whats wrong with him. i tell him. he keeps asking what he should do. i told him. i even gave him baby steps to follow. and he cant even do that. seriously, if you're trying to make a relationship work with someone that you dont have feelings for, have no interest in physically, have no interest in mentally, have no prospective future with, and is too far away from you anyway, WHY PURSUE IT? why kill yourself over it, because it's ALL DRAMA ANYWAY and the only thing that comes out of it is tears and the inevitable break down of what you've built up for so many years (namely, YOUR PERSONALITY). NOT WORTHIT. no girl is worth your health, dignity, family, AND self-respect (sorry ladies and gents, this girl isnt just taking ONE of those away from him, she's taking it ALL!) but he doesnt listen. and it's frustrating.

so i think that if i EVER went into practice, i wouldnt be very successful at it. because i would get so frustrated with my patients that i would consistently reprimand them for they're actions. so thanks, but no thanks. i'd rather be behind the scenes and cut up brains.


February 19, 2004
i've applied at 2 places. i have a prospective position in another (but it's semi-telemarketing, so that means i'd have a headset glued to my ears). right now, anything is better than what i have. i broke the news to the girls today. kara pretty much told me that i'm not allowed to leave. sorry kids, but this is inevitable. i feel kinda bad cuz one of 'em just abandoned us without notice. oh well. it happens. in any case, i can always go back to retail if this doesnt work out. no. but really, i need stable hours and sanity. no more of this craziness.

you'd be proud of me. i'm being a lot less clingy these days. i guess the break really did do me good. cuz he has his own thangs. and i have my own thangs. we're not completely dependent anymore. i'm glad we backed away from each other. this is healthier. 22 and already tied down. sheesh. i may have to reconsider this again when i have the time.

speaking of time, i have to be in an academic workshop in 5 minutes. i should probably start heading over there sometime soon.

but before i go.... can i just TELLLLLL YOU!!! my new manager is a gay guy named CHAD. it's great i tell yah!


02.17.04.yuck.
i've been seriously reconsidering my current employment. i guess at this point i have one of three choices.
1) stay there. do nothing. and work my ass off and get diddly squat.
2) ask for the part time shiseido position (which was already offered to me) and get a second part time job.
3) quit the company all together and risk not being able to work full time or have benefits elsewhere.
option 1 is out of the question. i'm sick of it and i'm tired of being treated as a shitter. weighing the pros and the cons, i really only see 2 pros against endless cons. option 2 is kinda harder. cuz the whole part time thing... totally NOT guaranteed. and i need something steady. option 3 is the same. SOOO not guaranteed income. but i guess all we can do now is wait and see what happens. i'm SO over retail, it's not even funny.

being back in the swing of things in the greek community feels really good. i almost forgot how fun it was just hangin out with sisters and bros at the RBR during our breaks. and the meetings. and the drama of it all. haha. hey. it's college. i shouldnt be killing myself over it, right?

right now i'm just in a state of WAITING. i know which direction i want to go, but i dont want to pursue anything unless i see some kind of stability. i know i'm still young, but hey... what i do now definitely will affect the future.


February 17, 2004
crap. remind me to mail out my citibank credit card payment. otherwise that's another $29 fee. yikes!

hmmm... coffee and a post and be late, or coffee and be on time? i think we all know the answer to that one, eh?

but really, time is getting scarcer (is that a word?) and scarcer with the sudden pile up of responsibilities. i'll explain later. but now i need coffee.


February 12, 2004
dang. didn't i tell myself i would stop missing class? hm. oh well. it's only spanish. and considering that i got the highest score on the stats exam (i only missed 3 questions) and i was able to pull a C on my bio exam (considering i only attended 4 classes and only studied for half an hour before the exam), i think i'm doing rather well. =) 'sides, it's only spanish. i'll be happy with a B this semester. and he's a pretty good instructor, i've learned more these past month than i did in the past 2 semesters of spanish. point being... i'm doing good. anyhoo, there's a pledge meeting and a sisterhood tonight that i really dont wanna miss.

well.. i STARTED to tell you about my lil sis. her name is marissa. she's 18, not-single, from Fremont (bay urh-ea), and she fits right in with the family. we clicked from the beginning, and i wasnt initially gonna pick up a lil sis, but my lovely sisters voted on it and decided that this bond was strong. so yeah. YEY! i have a lil sis again! we've been hangin out and usin up minutes. i have really high hopes for her to cross. cuz i know that being AphiG would really benefit her. haha. her bf is even pledging sigma chi this semester. iono. i like her. it's great. let's just hope she doesnt get preggers. =P *knock on wood* oh yeah... she works at panda express too! hey hey HEY! you know how we AphiG girls do it! plus, her and her bf (matt) are super white-washed too (hmm... sound familiar?). this is a good thing. please, share in my happiness!

oh yeah. me and bri got back together the other night (the 10th, i think?). it's a gradual thing. but i think we both just wanted to make it an exclusive thing. ya can't make things work if there are other people in the way. and we really wanted to make it work. so... mar's got the ballnchain again. surprise surprise.

hmmm. soemone left their proposal next to my computer. The aim of the proposed project is to investigate the major sources for frictional losses in internal combustion engines, to quantify the energy losses and describe the wear phenomena taking place due to the frictional work, and to propose improvements in the technical solutions in order to reduce friction. sounds kinda interesting. but it would help to shorten the sentence and break do a lil more explaining on their part. haha. hey... gotta love research methods and testing and measurement.

k. i have to let out the big fox. and it's gettin cold in here. night yallllls.


February 9, 2004
YEY! lil sis NUMERO CUATRO! i have another MAR...issa. k. that's all. i'll have pictures up as soon as i get 'em. =D man. she's gonna be so spoiled. =P


February 5, 2004
damnit. me n the girls had plans to get shit-faced in downtown tomorrow night. ((after the vagina monologues =))) but apparently, on broadway has been rented out for a private party and i dread the faces at E street. and aubergine is a big fat no-no for this crowd. oh well. maybe in two weeks. we're all flat broke anyway.

i still can't believe that emil and vanessa broke up. they were muchos muchos perfect for each other. if everyone thought me and bri were a good match, those two were 10x mushier and perfecter together. how sad. hmh. i guess you never know. it really sucks tho.

breaking up seems to be the theme all of a sudden. me&bri and elaine&james broke up on friday. vanessa&emilio. jill&chicaaago. and we'll see how much longer jan&david do. there were a couple more, but i just dont remember right now. (i just finished a stats exam) well anyhoo... nice that it's right before valentines day. maaan... and to think... this time last year, we were all plannin a huge-ol ordeal for the big day. =P guess it shows that love is fleeting. haha. story of my life.

oh yeah. hey. if anyone has FLOOR access to the hooba/lp/soty/pod show in sd, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE ME!! i'm desperate. actually... i wanna see soty and my boyfriend DOUG (hooba) and i'll bounce. i dont think i'm quite ready for the linkin park groupies. =P young n old. oh the horror.

ooh. speaking of linkin park... me n marlo-dude passed by lincoln high this morning. holy mother of porky it was like a scene straight outta terminator. how sad. =( i used to shoot rifles there. and jObs used to do jog-a-thons there. hahah! oh well. at least they're gettin rid of those run-down buildings.

my face feels naked. those glasses were my thing cuz i'm too pussy to pierce my face. now i have to show the world how fat my face is. with no personality. boohoo! and old mannerisms die hard. i still find myself pushing up my non-existent glasses. which just looks like i have a mean itch on my face all the time.

this is getting too long. haha. that's not a comment to complain about. uh hur. no seriously. i should go to class.


02.03.04.waiting.
((this was written in spanish))it's funny to look back on my posts and see how happy my relationships were. then i think to myself, "stupid girl, if only you knew what is about to happen in your sad, little story." fas forward to today, and you still see the same stupid girl so enamored with the idea of romance. i'm a scientist and i should really know better. oh well. here we go again.

i think the best thing for me to do right now is to just chill out and give up on relationships (temporarily at least). really fix everything that has to be fixed with my personality (e.g. the shit that all the exes brought up). so that when i start dating again, i wont be the cruel girl that strings them along and drops them like dog poop when i choose someone to commit to. i think that was the problem. i kept my options open, had a buffet, but decided on the to-go option. leavin them hangin. and in the case of a few, not giving the relationship that already existed a chance to be repaired. what a cold-hearted bitch i've become. but hey. ITS ALL A GAME. one that i am totally losing at.

bah. i should just suck it up and go back to brian. that would be the right thing to do. that's what everyone expects of me. that's what all my friends and family want me to do. and that's what my frozen heart wants.

oh. by the way. i got my contacts today. =) the staple mar-emporio-glasses got the boot. geez. why didnt anyone ever tell me how fat my face is?


February 3, 2004
i call them my rebound cushions. because they're there to soften the fall and pick me up and keep me strong. =) sunday night was a weird night. i decided to dabble in my past and see if i could break myself.

nemo couldnt do it. he's got too much shit going on himself. but apparently, i eerie-ly remind him of his brother's girlfriend. that, and i learned that i have a tendency to break hearts. whoops.

tuan rubbed it in that i only talk to him when i'm having boyfriend troubles. that i like to string them along and leave 'em in the cold. but at least i show heart, and that's what keeps 'em following and what makes them bitter. his version was something like... "it's been years, and i'm still in the cold."

khris said that those who have been cheated on often put up this defense. you know... the exact one i'm putting up. and it makes it hard for people to get through it. makes 'em paranoid. i'm not paranoid. i'm just not willing to put my heart out on the line and allow it to get rampaged. no thanks.

then i started talking to james. who welcomed me back to the real world. we had a nice, LONG LONG LONG talk. he's my bitter-er twin. i think of all the people that REALLY know me, he's the only one that really knows the defensive, bitter, corrupted, trampled, cheated-on, mar. the total sap that likes to fall for guys that dont know how to treat her. he's been through all my drama. and then some. he requested that i visit him sometime soon in long beach. he'd pay for gas and take me out to dinner. i think he just wants to win more arguments. but hey, at least i got a valentine request (still pending). he told me to snap out of it and be strong. then he told me i was a weakling. because i don't know how to let go emotionally. and he's right. i dont. if i did, i wouldnt be this bitter.

oh yeah. then the good laugh. i asked mark what was wrong with me. he said "no comment, that would be pointless." talk about paranoid. i didn't ask because i wanted a reason to hate him. i asked because he knew me that way, and there are things that you do that you don't see, but others do. oh well. that woulda been good too. if anyone, i think he woulda been the harshest.

i found out that we were the "mall couple." hm. that's funny. and then i thought about it, and it's right. =P


February 1, 2004
Great. i still havent gotten the hang of writing 2004, and now i have to condition myself to change the MONTH too. fuckin A. time goes by too fast.

just got back from coffee with nemo. we always seem to find each other when we're both going through relationship problems. the first time when we both got out of REALLY serious long time relationships (i.e. michelle and genaro). then now. he broke up with the long-time yesterday too. hm. funny how things go. in any case, it was good venting. it reminds me that me and brian arent the only couple out there with problems. or breaking up, for that matter.

i just want to get through this week without him. without the "what if"s and the "why"s. and gather some strength so when i talk to him, i don't cave. this time i dont take my heart out of the freezer. the poor thing took too much shit already. plus, i still have a lot of shit to sort out myself. i can't do anything without regaining my sanity and setting my priorities straight. maybe i should just get piss drunk tonight. but i have work in the morning. damnit.

i'll meet you there
no matter where life takes me to
...
i wish i could have told you
the things i kept inside
but now i guess its just too late.
so many things remind me of you
i hope that you can hear me
i miss you
this is goodbye
one last time...