February 25, 2007
i just have to keep reminding myself that I'll need more than a cushion for when I leave. So this much stress for the next couple of months will be well worth-it as long as I can just learn how to BREATHE and not let it get to me. I've worked this hard before. And it hasn't killed me. At least i have Pane to keep me sane through all of this. as my alarm clock and my sedative. see? no need for alcohol when i have someone there to keep me balanced.

anyhoo.... my parents and I have dinner plans for the 10th of March. that's when we'll break the news about my moving. i'm scared. excited. contemplative. anxious. and any other emotion under the sun. there goes the Libran in me to weigh it all out and stay in the middle without a verdict. damnit. But i know what's going to happen. and i have a feeling that they do to. They don't normally take dinner plans very seriously unless it's for a family member's birthday. and even then they flake pretty often. SOOOOO.... i should take that as a hint that they do have a clue to what's going on. and that them taking me seriously is a step in the right direction.

i just have to keep telling myselft that my parents really do want what's best for me. and that they do trust my decisions. and that they know i'm smart enough to be able to take care of myself. and that they will always support me no matter what kind of stupid mistakes that i make. and that they just want me to be happy. and that their family comes first. and when i say family... i mean US... their children. I have to keep telling myself that. *BREATHE* and i should be fine. WE should be fine.

but you know the feeling. like Mr. Rock says... it's like double dutch. (reference "Down to Earth"). hardy har.... i like the movie because john cho is the token asian guy. love it.

in any case... i'm working twice as hard. with twice as much stress and less the resources. i'm taking a beating at both jobs and i hate it. but for now i'll suck it up because i can see the end of this horrific path that i'm on. Baseball, Arizona, BK, pane, and the sort is just around the river bend. just around the river bend. I look once more Just around the riverbend Beyond the shore Somewhere past the sea Don't know what for ...Why do all my dreams extend Just around the riverbend? Just around the riverbend ...

mar has officially hit delirium. bah dum pah!


February 24, 2007
February is winding down. goodness, where has the time gone? it seems like only yesterday when i was laid off from May Co. and off to start a new, part time gig with Starbucks. oh how the time has changed, eh? oh how mar has changed!

amazing what can happen in the span of twelve months. and yet it seems like it's gone by SOOOO FAST!!! too fast, almost. hey... in about a year and a half, i'll probably be married. that's not a promise, but it's a definite possiblity. and please save your lectures. i know. I KNOW. but you know what? you don't know what i know. so that makes me feel safe knowing what i know.

hardy har! my contacts are dry. and my eyes are BURRRRRning. poopers.

i've been playing with a lot of chubby babies lately. and now i hear my clock a'tickin'! geez. i thought that i'd have the marriage, the house, the career and the 2 kids by now. shows how WAAAAYYYY off i've gone, eh?


February 21, 2007
The other day during dinner, Brian made a comment about how he could coach erik on how to break up a couple if he's after a girl with a man. It struck me as a bit odd. But given Brian's history with all of his other girlfriends, it makes perfect sense.

May is getting closer and closer. I can hardly contain myself these days. I keep buying shit for the house that I know will just be a hassle to move around. But at this point... it doesnt matter much. Next year we're planning on buying a truck. So moving will be easier when the time does come around. Each time I pass by a new apartment complex, I get a little giddy. Even this morning when i looked out into the RiverRun complex... my heart jumped a little. I'm getting too caught up in this thing. but can you blame me?

I'm really trying to stick it out at both jobs. but i'm BEAT. i really need a day off to catch up on rest, on paperwork, and on cleaning. my poor car's interior has begun to yellow from the coffee stains and the soup stain from transporting christmas dinner. my door panels still have mocha and passion tea splatter from guests in the car. My poor Adam. mommy needs to stop neglecting him. Maybe if it doesnt rain tomorrow, then I'll do some carpet cleaning. but we'll see how i feel in the morning.


February 14, 2007
Happy Valentines Day everyone! or more likely... HAPPY HEART DAY!!! I hope you did something wonderful for your heart.... a few jumping jacks, perhaps? Anything to get that old ticker going! (and for you couples out there... hopefully you did something pleasurable with your mate! *wink wink* Hey... don't knock the suggestion... it's GREAT for your heart!

anyhoo... i've spent quite a valentines with people... just in general. Work at 4am until 1pm. with no break. understaffed. and busier than the norm. then off to job number 2. oversold. overbooked. and a rate higher than normal. WOO HOO. all anyone can do is bitch and moan about every little thing... and if i could only tell them about the hellish day i've had... they would eat their words. on top of that, the man i love is hours away and i wont see him for a few more weeks. so POO. the only good thing about today is that it's my little brother's birthday. and i love my regular customers. they make me happy.

i'd bitch and moan about my new coworkers, but that wouldn't do me or you any good. I've done a good amount of venting. and on Friday, i intend to actually fix the problem. yeah. mar's getting a bit ambitious. hell yeah my balls are growing.

but it's come to that time when i have to man up to all my situations instead of hiding behind other people or trying to make up excuses for other people. I'm tired. BLAH.


February 11, 2007
i'm coming home to SD today. if you get a chance, check my myspace comments and read erik's comment to me and you'll understand why we're so stupid. stupid.

oh well. as much as i don't want to come home.. i know i have to. BLEH. i have no chance of making any sense right now. so maybe i should just stop.


February 9, 2007
everything has changed at work. still cautious about whether or not it's a good change. I'm leaning towards negative changes, but i hope and pray that I'm wrong about that. i dont think i can handle any more changes at this point without breaking.

anyhoo... i'm coming to you from Arizona. It's nice and toasty out here. but the sewer smell hasn't permeated the city yet. hopefully that's something that won't be happening during this stay. i don't think my lungs could take more of that. other than the heat and the hard water, everything is just peachy keen. i can really live out here. and make something for myself. i just need to tell my parents and clue them in on the plan.

still dreading it though. i know i can do it. and they can't do anything to stop me from doing it... it's just really tough to get it to them. AGH. i should just do it and get it over with. MAN UP, mar.

anyhooo... my man just came home from school. and i just burnt a batch of cookies. oooooh! so domestic already! hahhahahahaha. whatever.


February 5, 2007
Be happy for me... I grew some balls and played match-maker today. So this girl... we'll call her "Jake's lil bro" has been madly in love with this kid Aaron who comes into our Starbucks on a daily basis. Jake's lil bro is a very loud person... with cajones like no other girl i've met in recent memory. But whenever she sees Aaron, he turns into this timid little thing that can barely write her own name. So today... he comes in... as usual... and everyone is gawking as usual. So i just write a little note with her name and phone number, casually just walk to his table and say "Hey Aaron, i found this in the back. I know it's for you. i think you should call it sometime." And that was that. I'm a little embarrassed because he was with an older female friend, and i felt like i was intruding. But Jake's lil bro text me just a few minutes ago and told me that he messaged her tonight. HOORAY!!!! call me cupid, why don't you! ahhahahah! but that's been the hi-lite of my day. the rest of it has just not been good at all.

pane left this morning. the management shifts start today. it was a bad close. and the hotel has been a nightmare.

but i'm too tired and sick to really care at this point. i just miss my man.

erik, i'll call you tomorrow. i'm freakin TIRED.


February 3, 2007
MONKEY! It's FEBRUARY!!! (everytime I see that, i think "Feb-you-ah-rie" courtesy of jeanelle). stupid jeanelle. i miss that midget.

and someone else i miss... you big weirdo.

bah. i'm all alone in the hotel. 2 staffers in the restaurant, one in the kitchen, one in housekeeping, one in maintenance, and myself. shit. it's gonna be a long night.