March 2001

March 31, 2001
i have to live without talking to, seeing, hearing, or kissing my honey this week. 7 whole days without him. no phone calls. no letters. no rendezvous. nothing. i hate being a navy wife. this is hard.
i'm getting a lot accomplished tho. got my room all cleaned up. sold a grippa phones. extra grooming. extra sleeping. extra laundry time. extra tv watching. but its not worth it without my honey.
well anyhoo.. here's the coolest guy i know. his name is erik. he likes to be called rektmonkee. you can call him the mexican. he's an awesome eccentric guy. he's not snob. not like someone else we both know. but he's pretty weird. dont be surprised. that's really how he is. oops. did i spoil it?
i need inspiration for a new article. but nothing's been happening lately. this sucks. oh yeah. if you're wondering where the rest of the blogs went, they're in archives 6. so dont bother me about missing entries.

March 29, 2001
i was driving out of the parking structure and i happened to take a glimpse into a prelude. loe and behold.. this girl had two little head-bobbing ninjas atop her dashboard. and not just any ninjas.. the same ones i have propped up on my dash, in the same place, in the same order. and she had a pink ninja of all colors. this kinda reminds me of when i sewed my JV letter onto my backpack in my freshman year. after i came with it on on the first day of school, a coupla months later, all of these other people started to do the exact same thing. but mine looked better. cuz it looked like it was supposed to be there. but the fact that all of these people started sporting their damn JV letter on their backpack instead of their letter jackets kinda bugged me. it pissed me off. here i was i the midst of all of these sheep... and looking like sheep myself. BAAAAAAAA!!! whoops... i meant.. BOOOOOOO!
i try to set myself apart from the rest. not in extreme ways, but just subtle enough that i have my own style to reflect my personality. when people copy it, it pisses me off. that's not a reflection of your personality! its a reflection of mine! hey just cuz you like it, it doestn mean its gonna work for you! damnit. even with stupid little trivial shit. like the stuff i say in certain ways. ((e.g. YEY! good job guys. ARGH! ACK! and my little eccentric thumbs up)) all of those little things are a staple of my personality. MY quirks. and when people bite me, i cant help but feel like i just got jacked. i cant use that anymore. you've tainted it. its no longer mine. i mean.. its still mine.. but ick. gross. you added yourself to it. ewwwwyyyy. aarrrgghhhh... im getting frustrated over nothing again. i should stop. ack. ill stop when they stop frikkin taking my shit.
oh hey! some good news tho... i think i started a corolla club or something. all of these closet-corolla-drivers are finally comin up in my guestbook and expressin themselves. see what the power of one can do? damnit... i have a feeling their gonna start being corolla activists now. NO DAMNIT! that's my thing!

March 28, 2001
i posted an article on "civics vs. corollas" in apartment107 the other day. might i say, the responses are overwhelming. i have haters, i have lovers. to a point, i actually had a guy write "iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou" over and over and over again in my guestbook. you should check it out. log onto apartment107.com and look for me... 52GoVroom. my article should still be up and running. look for all the car articles, and it should be there.
its kinda funny cuz that article was written in haste. i was chatting with my older bro from across the country and we got into a conversation about cars. well, me.. being the underdog enthusiast, was inspired to write an article about corollas. but then.. i knew that nobody would take me seriously unless i compared it to another car in its class. so i compared it to the oh-so-typical-rice-burner civic. i can tell that people got pretty pissed. here i am, a GIRL of all things defending a COROLLA as a rice burner. so i was helluva hated on by all these all-show civics thinking that their stock engines could smoke my little car. hey you bastard. your car has less hp, less torque, and is heavier than my car. do the fucking math. im faster. bitch. and transmission has nothing to do with it if you know how to work your car right. assholes. how the hell do you think i feel when you pass me up on the freeway thinking that its the car and not the driver that's slow? no bitch. im just trying to be a safe driver. if i downshift on you, my engine will be louder, bitch. and my engine is bone stock.
ack. i cant stand all these cocky ass civics looking down on me. hey damnit.. just cuz im a damn corolla. you're an economy car too punk! and just cuz im a girl it doesnt mean i know any less than you. i bet i knew more about ur car than you did to begin with.
am i mad at them? or am i mad at the stereotype? where the hell is all this anger coming from? oohhh... i know... from all you punk asses that dont wanna read into me before labeling me.

justbarely3.27.01
interesting question::: would you be with someone else if you were with someone already? this question compliments of ella (in the box), messaged through mr. ronnie rice dublada. ronnie and i had a very interesting conversation tonite. we had to clarify a few things... a few feelings... condensed, purified, mixed up, and canned. we just happened to open that can tonite...and might i say how very interesting the contents of that can was. so we pretty much vented to each other how we really feel, felt, have been feeling, etc. ack. not again. but.. yes again. no.. not again. ack. i dunno. "its hard to explain. but you know?" yeah. i know.
BONUS EXCERPTS: "i just had to tell you from what was being held back." "i guess u grew with me even tho we werent together all the time" "its like everything was just as it was as we left it." "but there had to be something keeping us compelled to each other." "im just attracted to you in way where only certain people are."

March 26, 2001
i figured it out during biology. while i was sitting there exchanging text messages with hesam. ((cingular... its a beautiful thing)) i sat there, barely paying attention to anything i was doing. all i could do was think. because i was so happy to have another "platonic" male friend. someone i could talk to easily. have quick access to. and the best thing of all... strictly platonic. so i was gonna write some beautiful tribute to this new buddy of mine... and my mind began to stumble. for once, it was thinking ahead for me. and all i could think was enjoy it while it lasts, because sooner or later, some stupid emotions are going to develop and you'll lose this one too. just like all the others. stupid. that sucked. because its true. i have a strange attachment to a close male friend. then i start focusing my extra time just talking to this awesome new friend. then they start feeling things. and i dont. then... you know the rest. ((((KABOOM)))) there goes another friendship. on to the next victim.
i think the only one that kept me sane was jeanelle. the only female best friend that i could really connect with. she kept me grounded. and she never developed feelings for me. so that was a good thing. it never got distracting and i never had to retreat to the arms of my lover trying to run away from a new admirer. ack. too bad. its over. i guess ill have to deal with this wicked little curse of mine.
damnit. i gave up on the new layout. from now on, i think ill just change the colors in accordance to the season. or my feelings. or whatever. ill do what i feel like doing. and right now... im no longer motivated to accomplish anything. damnit. roller coaster again. damnit. i need some prozac.

March 25, 2001
i guess you can call me happy now... or at least im getting there. finally killed my sales dry-spell, starting to develop a beautiful friendship with cameltoe {{hesam}}, fixing things up with nemo {{we talked for about an hour today}}, n dingaling, my poohbear is coming home tonight, and its just been a nice day. cleaned the inside of my baby this morning too. tomorrow, i fix my finances, get my shit paid off, start my exercise program, finish up school business, and we're having a go-away party for big-tall-white-manager-man-going-to-corporate erik. so im feeling very accomplished. doing laundry tonite too. ;)
im still working on my little layout here. its not gonna be much different as the one up right now. same color scheme. still gonna be nice and springy. but the nav bar will be at the top of the page {{where the scrolling updates used to be}} and it will be scroll-over navigation. basically, you scroll over the image and it will say something. just wait for the little text box to pop up. but as for now, im working on the images. its kinda hard creating the images. specially images that work and match the background. if im desperate enough, you're gonna have to deal with a dot as an image. ooh how original not saying that this layout will be all extravagant and tech-y, but... it will be decent. im getting tired of tables and frames though. but i dont want you to suffer through the flash-loading. ack.
this isnt good. im boring when im happy.

3.24.01weehours
i wonder if you're just blocking me. or if you're really gone. i wonder if its me thats avoiding you, or if it's you avoiding me. knowing us, its probably both. and i wonder what's going on. and you do to. we're just both too proud to say something about it. or confront it. but what is it anyways? what is this big ass wall between us that's just keeping us apart? keeping the silence there. making us drift away? why are we both this way now? what is it that changed. i know that it's neither of us. and i know that it's the both of us. because it really wasnt one thing. it really wasnt a series of things. it really wasnt anything. but it was something. you made me angry. and i made you angry. but we both deny it. and that's probably the something. or maybe its just nothing. maybe its just the both of us being too paranoid. maybe its just the both of us trying to get away from each other. so that we'll both learn our lesson. so that we could filter out the feelings between us. so that when we get back together, it will be just peachy. i just think we need to talk. like talk talk. like we use to when we were both dead asleep and still talking. no more barriers james. we need to fix this. you wouldnt let me throw away the friendship. now its my turn to do the same.

March 24, 2001
i just realized i forgot to fix all the links. they still go to the other maRfiles. the one i dont update. oops. oh well. when i have time to fix everything then i will. for now i should just stop having so many different parts of this place. maRfiles is enough for now right? or if not, just keep hitting the "back" button on your browser. or right click. i dont mind.
crap. this new almost-layout sucks. its very springy tho. i like the colors. makes me wanna go hunt for Easter eggs in my little pastel sundress. happy easter bunny colors. hrmm... i need to come up with something more original than a navigation bar on the left and a blog on the right tho. any suggestions? hey! you can text message me now! click here and just write a message less than 160 characters in the subject headline. =) oooh. that will be fun. you can bug me anytime you want now. hee. i love cingular. want a phone? ill get u the best service. just gimme a ring.

March 22, 2001
im one of those people that get high off of everyone else's high. if everyone in the room is all goofy, then i, in turn, will also be goofy. its one of those environment things. im a Libra. im excellent at conforming. but i still know myself... cuz u know... im good... wink wink. haha. no just kidding. but tonight, my co-workers all got drunk at work. it was knee slapping fun i tell yah.
the thing that got to me tho, is how i got a really good look at the kind of people i work with. i musta been the only sober one there, but they still thought i was drunk. you know me... im an actress. {good Lord, im digging myself in deeper.} so here they are... all faded, goofy ass muthafuckas... no inhibitions.. just letting their true selves out. erik, despite his corporate-acting facade is a real funny man. chris you prick. hesam... always my man... yooz n me are here. and lastly... jay. you disappoint me. i cant believe you would actually take advantage of me if i was drunk. i thought it was all a joke. but... seeing that made me think twice about ever taking you as a joke. its not fun anymore jay.
eh.. oh well. that shit was hilarious. but... since we're all departing, might as well have fun with it. what are they gonna do? fire us? PUHLEEZ! well... at least they cant fire me! {DOH!}

3.21.01pm
there's this little old lady that walks around the mall every day. i dont exactly know if she is homeless, sick, or what; but she always walks around with a cart. there's never anything in her cart, but she always seems to have it with her. occasionally ill see her drinking coffee with some people. its always a different person tho. so it makes me wonder if they're strangers trying to be nice, or just her family. and she always has nice, clean, white Nikes on. good condition, as if she never does any walking. but she's always here. regardless of weather, or crowdedness, regardless of any other circumstances. and i wonder what her story is. why is she always here? why does she always push around her cart? if she is homeless, then who are all those people she has coffee with and why dont they take her in? why are her shoes always nice and white? where are all of her belongings? and why is she always here? she's one of those kind-looking old ladies. the ones that would feed pidgeons and give you her last dollar if you wanted it. and i always pray that she reamins safe. that no trouble comes her way. and that no stranger takes advantage of her. because she doesnt deserve it. she hasnt done anything wrong. she's just an old lady....walking around with her empty shopping cart.
i guess its that whole issue of transferance. i feel the same way about my Lola. she's always riding the bus. always out on her own. i never know where she is, who she's with, if she's safe, if she got a ride, if she's staying with a friend. nothing. it worries me. i hate her behavior. a woman of her age should just stay home with her orchids. go out only on sundays with the whole family. not on her own. on unsafe public transportation. its not right. its not safe. and i just pray all the time that she remains safe. that no harm comes to her. ive already lost one grandparent. i dont wanna lose another one. i dont wanna lose anyone else. and she's too young to go.
damnit. i cant deal anymore. what's with me? why am i so negative? why am i such a pessimist now? so down. what happened to the perky me? the one that could sell phones. the one that could easily make friends. and keep them. no issues with the trust thing. the old maria... so trusting. so friendly. so outgoing. so positive. what happened? i keep telling myself its the hormones... that's why i feel so down. its the weather.. that's why im not selling any phones. its them... that's why im having trust issues. its not me. it cant be me. but if it isnt me.. then why is all of this just happening to me?

March 21, 2001
it amazes me how some people can just change out of no where. transform into a completely different person in a matter of moments. how a sympathetic ear can turn into a backstabber. how a true friend can turn into your worst enemy. and even how your best friend can go and criticize you for who you are. what are their motives? why do they turn into a horrible person, when they were good as they were? is it because people take advantage of them? no, because they werent really taken advantage of in the first place. is it because they just got tired of being such a good human being? is it so hard to be a well-meaning person? is it so much trouble to behave as the person that you are? i guess so. otherwise id still have a lot of close friends right now instead of venting about it.
well, at least i have my people at work. or now... my person. my favorite people to work with have always been erik nd hesam. just two regular guys.. but.. they knw how to think. they're resourceful, responsible, reliable, and have a good mentality. basically, they're a coupla the very few people that have their shit straight. all good when it comes to friends and co-workers. they're good guys.. perverts... but what guy isnt right? yeah yeah yeah. good job. well anyhoo.. things changed and too bad.. erik will be leaving for the corporate office. so i left with my favorite buddy hesam... but.. theres rumors of us being transferred to different places. which totally sucks. it was hard getting used to these guys. now i gotta start all over again. work is gonna suck big white balls.
did i mention that friends suck big white balls too? im starting to hate this shit. why cant people just stay the way they are? without all the drama. without all the criticism. without all the moving. without all the bad-boy-reformations. im about to bust out in a chorus of "true to your heart." no more no more no more no more. no more close friends. no more best friends. from now on, its me, my honey, my co-workers, and my family. friends? HAH. yeah right. ill have acquaintances. ill have buddies. but i really couldnt tell you if i had one real, true, undying friendship. i thought i did. i though wrong. i made a lot of mistakes. trusted in a lot of the wrong people. dont get me wrong here... im not changing myself... just changing my outlook on who i consider friends. are you my friend? i doubt it. you dont talk to me. how does that make you my friend?

March 19, 2001
imagine a little girl, just about the age of 3 1/2 at her grandmother's funeral. she doesnt know what's going on. all she knows is that everyone around her is sad. why is everyone crying? am i supposed to be crying too? mom? dad? why do you look so sad? not knowing that this is a time of mourning, she continues on with her normal life. she plays with her imaginary friend, pretending that all of these grief-stricken people are not around.... all the while.... she knows that they are there. and that something is wrong. something happened. someone seems to be missing. but.... how is she supposed to react? feel? what is she supposed to say? what is she supposed to do? how is she supposed to act? this has never happened before, or if it has, it has she has never been put in this situation. so now what?
thats me and death. im so terrified of it. and i dont know what to do. i could never learn to accept. i could never learn how to properly act. or react. or console. or anything. i remember watching this one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Buffy's mom dies. Zander's girlfriend has never known anybody that died. she doesnt know how to deal with it. she doesnt know what to do. what to say. she doesnt understand what's going on. thats how i feel. even though i've been through it more than once.
R.I.P. Ivy.

just barely 3.19.01
I Could Not Ask for More
The Eagles
Lying here with you, Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for And I could not ask for more

quickie
annjaylee, you are so weird. when i saw "nahdoo" aka mike... call him online-boy... oh man. my carne asada buddy from way back when. and you know blazinino too. haha my old school asianavenue buddy. cool beans. what a small world. haha. you rock.

March 18, 2001
i hate change in other people. because it usually invokes a change in myself... so that i can adjust to their change. and it always seems to have a negative affect on me. makes me more bitter. or quieter. or angrier. or more distant. or something. whatever the chage is in one person, so doubles with me. but see.. im only reatcing to their change. and it sucks that the other person automatically assumes that it was my change that killed int. well you started it buddy.
its always hard to accept change. maybe i should just be more supportive in trying to reform that person... back to their old selves... and i actually do try to... but people are just too damn stubborn. and that's when i conform to their behavior. its hard to be nice all the time. always having to be the one to put up with everyone's shit... then just smile about it. just grin and bare it i guess. but everyone has their limits... even me. if you give me your bullshit, expect it back. im tired to this. no more double standards. stop fucking taking advantage of me.

.....im too emotional right now. its worse than you think.... no... worse than that. yes... much worse. please excuse my hormones... but please... dont excuse my words.

3.17.01pm
i found this is apartment107. it really cracked me up. well.. because... it's just another case of typpie-model-"im-a-human-being"-blindness-mentality. geez. these people. you should really see her page tho.
babytan24 writes:: Another thing, there is a difference between import models and import model wannabe�s. There is a lot of wannabe�s out there. Not to diss anyone in particular, but some of the girls who walk around wearing team shirts are in fact only 12 or 13 years old. That is WAY too young to be wearing what they are wearing or showing. In my opinion, do it when you turn at least 16 or 17 years old.
One, because there are a lot of scams in the modeling industry as a whole. If we have to break it down to the Import Scene, a lot of teams, websites and companies do not pay their models. Only a few do. But you do have to be careful whom you model for or represent. Just like everything else in this world, there are reputations. Some are good some are bad.
Being an import model is not all about just standing there and looking pretty. There is a lot of hard work that is put into being an import model as well. If you do want to be successful, you have to work hard, and most girls do it as a hobby, but just like every other hobby that you have, in order to be good at it, you got to practice, practice, practice!

March 17, 2001
my head hurts. my cramps are killing me. my ankles and feet feel like they're taking on the weight of the world. im bloated. im sick. my throught feels like someone slid down in riding on sand paper. my wisdom tooth is desperately trying to wedge its way out of my gums. i feel like i should be the posterchild for an advil/tylenol/midol commercial.... but just the "before" part.
damnit. did i forget to mention that i've been on a selling dry spell? i havent sold a phone in a week. A WEEK! damnit. that sucks big hairy cock. im supposed to be selling at least two a day. at least 10 over the weekends. ugh. im so not getting paid well this period.
life is kicking me hard in the ass. the sad part is that i have all these people around me trying to help. and nothing good is coming out of it.

March 16, 2001
spring break 2001 has come to an end, and once again, it has been one very un-spring-break-spring-break. maybe next year i'll have some fun during spring break. or maybe the year after that. or maybe... maybe my senior year ill learn how to have fun. or maybe next year ill take some time offa work too and take a vacation somewhere far far away. or something. im just tired of having these lame ass spring-cleaning-errand-running-spring-break. only a break away from school, but nothing else.
oh well. i got a lotta shit done. finished up my laundry, sold a few phones, got my tires rotated, got some... stuff. well... i got a lot done. still got stuff to do.. but... ill do it when school is back in session. for now... i think ill take it easy. im borderlining bad health right now, which is the time i reaaaallllyyyyy need to be taking care of myself.

3.15.01pm
i gotta stop talking to you guys and start writing this like a real-live-nobody-is-reading-it-uncensored kinda thing again. i think my audience is starting to distort my writing. its no longer creative. its just angry now. or... some other random emotion that i feel at that time. that, or i spend mucho time writing one entry that ends up making no sense at all... like this one for example. ack. there is no audience. i am writing for my sanity. i am writing for the hell of it. because i have nothing else to do. ack. damnit. nice.
my cramps are killing me. it hurts mommy. it feels like the baby is squirming around in there. trying to get out. but he cant. because he's too tiny. and its making my tummy hurt. poor little turd. ill drink some maalox. make it feel aaaalllll better. ack. maalox is yucky. i think ill just eat a whole lotta in-n-out and drink a whole lotta starbucks. that'll make me regular. ack. nasty.

March 15, 2001
send the troops home. i think this big ol mess is finally starting to clean itself up. there's no longer a need for intervention, i think these two parties can settle things themselves without any armies. in fact, i believe everything will be just fine. it was just a big fat misunderstanding. dont worry captain, from this point on... it's gon be aaaallll goooood baby.
nemo and i are finally getting our shit straight. very slowly, but any kind of progress is good progress. so it will just be a matter of time, forgiving, and straightening, and everything will be all good. my dreams will be less hostile, my stress meter can finally take a break, and my troops can go home to their wifeys. i feel tons better. after i drop this bomb, ooooh man. oh the bliss.

March 14, 2001
financial freedom. that's something i dream of sometime soon. hopefully, this summer, it's gonna happen. all of my credit card bills paid off, all of my utilities well taken care of, my food, housing.. EVERYTHING.... taken care of.. or something. i at least dont want to worry about extra shit. like oversized phone bills. or buying a new one. [which i just did today.. WOOOOO!] or shopping too much. or something. there's always something holding me back from paying off everything. which sucks. i need to get my shit straight. i say that too much. i just need someone to slap my hand or something. so i can get all my shit straight. fuck. im screwed.

March 13, 2001
i have this theory.... that people really dont know what they're doing, so they continue to do stupid things because they dont realize what they're doing. or maybe just because they dont know any better. like this one guy at work. he has the most HORRENDOUS breath. his breath can burn a hole through the ozone layer with one tiny sneeze. it's that nasty. but i dont think he knows about it. and no one at work has ever had the balls to tell him... well.. because.. none of us can stand being 10 feet close to him. so.... he must really not know.
but what i dont understand is when people continually do stupid things... even when they know better. it's been explained over and over and over again. reinforced who knows how many times... and still... nothing. are people that dense? i know that ignorance is bliss... but shit. that's taking it to the extreme. yes... go.... do ur shit. fuck up your life and someone else's life. but it was fun right? dickhead. learn how to think.
{oh yeah... that last part was not intended for anyone in particular... just all the idiots out there that refuse to listen to what's right.}

quickie
buggin. buggin. buggin. i want my shit back you bastard. stop playing stupid tag-ur-it games. gimme my shit and we'll cut it off. but i need my shit back first. i dont give a fuck about you. i dont give a fuck about your girl. i just need my shit back.

quickie
aaaaccckkkkK! it's the attack of the killer copycats! oh no! not aggaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!

March 12, 2001
a "friend" of mine sells MCI phones. and another "friend" sold my other "friend" and MCI phone. not telling either of us consumers how shitty the service is. not telling us that if we try to get it fixed, its gonna cost us big time, and give us major headaches. and not telling us that our plans are overpriced pieces of shit. and so is the phone.
bitches. what kind of shit is that? i hope she got her commission. and her mom spent it all. everything threefold bitch. you're gonna get whats coming to you.

March 11, 2001
shit. damnit. this sucks big white man balls. so ive been reading. and reading and reading and reading and reading. you know me and my dailies. and it has come to my attention that the newest trend just so happens to be blogging. remember the gansta trend? then it was the goth trend? then came the alternative trend? then came the rave trend? ive been wondering what the trend was for this year... and ... now ive come to realize that... BLOGGING IS THIS YEAR'S TREND. fuck. suckness. how exactly have i come to this conclusion? well.. basically.. i click around... i stumble into things... and well... you gets. so now there are a bunch of typpies online trying to sound all deep and shit. trying to sound all interesting, trying to make their insignificant-im-so-popular lives seem to jump out at their equally insignificant-im-so-popular audience. so when i read, all i read is the same shit, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. its funny because they all sound the same. and you can just soooo tell that its just a trend. because they have no clue what the fuck to write. aNd wHeN thEy StArT tYpInG lYkE tHiS, you just know its over. damnit. i just wanna kill this whole site until this trend dies out. so i wont be looked down upon as just another typpie with nothing to say. that im just online to bullshit like all the other kids in my generation. but.. fuck that. ill keep on. just like the old-school-hard-core ravers that knew what their shit was all about. the trendies didnt stop them from pursuing their pleasures... granted their hobby did get a little expensive... but it was their shit. and they went on with their bad selves. same for us guys. same for all the old-school bloggers. we'll keep on typing. keep on venting. i just hope it doesnt get to me. but hey... the traffic might be nice. ill just post a bunch of reformist shit so that all the typpie-bloggers can get a piece of my mind and maybe it will get to them somehow. i must reform them. they are the enemy. brainwash them just like how i brainwashed all my little kiddies. want some candy? come here.... enter my world and ill give you aaaaaallllll the candy you want.

March 9, 2001
i remember last year at around this time of the year, a coupla of my friends decided to give up chatting for lent. so basically that left me on the battlefields of the asianavenue chat rooms by my lonesome. without my two best gunmen at my side to shoot insults at anyone that came at me with their stupid superficial-someone-sign-my-guestbook-and-save-me-as-a-friend-and-ill-do-the-same-and-we'll-both-look-popular bullshit. so it was around that time that i became the online-loner. no longer visiting chat rooms to meet my friends for some interesting exchange of insults. instead, i turned to the world of html. granted... its a lost art, and its waaaaaaay old... i still did it. contructing a website, filling it with pictures, .gifs, and cartoons for everyone's viewing pleasure. unfortunately, it killed everyone's ram and kicked people offline... but.. bleh...too bad. but i still remember my first encounter with an online journalist. Doe. yes. he had a lot to say. and i got hooked. from there, i read onto Kristine, then from her page, i linked up to gerard, and will. this was a time of turbulence in my life, and i was all helluva confused. writing has always been a part of my life, and it's always been the best source of venting for me... so i figured.. hey... why not? and i started my own little blogger. it was a small space on my theglobe.com account, an insignificant little space. but soon, i had visitors that didnt want to deal with all of my ram-stealing shit. and i decided to move. and here i am. in the midst of my blogger adolescence. still maturing. audience still growing... and me... well.... keep reading and you'll know all about me.

March 8, 2001
meet me at the IHOP by hanh and sinh's shop. the one on University by burger king. where the yearbook party was.... when we went to hometown buffet. yes. there is an IHOP there. i remember. ill be waiting there at 0730. in my car. probably sitting there waiting. reading a magazine. just like you would be doing.

3.7.01
shit. i found yet another flaw in this little personality of mine. we had a store meeting tonight. our meetings are usually serious with a laid back twist. basically... we cap on each other all night and throw in some rules along with it. so... tonight was different. instead of me, the quiet little filipino girl hiding in the back, i was out there with my puns, aiming at the easiest target. argh. damnit. the boss was always the easiest target. and i couldnt resist it. damnit. and i realized what was wrong. i got too comfortable in the environment, and now im allowing them to see the more outgoing side of me. argh. too bad there's still a heirarchy. damnit. so now it seems i have a problem with authority. no... it cant be that. i think i just have a problem adjusting to someone in my age group to be a higher rank than me. because im so used to being the top dog. argh. stupid JROTC building up my leadership skills like that. damnit. i could SOOOO run the store. and im still a rookie. argh. damnit. i NEED to be top dog. that's just me. damnit. this sucks. i have a problem with authority? no. i just need to be the authority.

March 7, 2001
i found this cooool new place to chills >> dailyconfession.com a place where anyone can leave a confession. no way to track it.. except if they're bold enough to type up names. i was gonna post up my beyond maRfiles on there.. but... too many names. i cant bleep them all.. so i figure.. ill keep em where they are now. nice and safe, away from all eyes... except mines. =) hee.
i had another weird dream last night. lately, it seems as if i've been dreaming of people i know. usually i have some abstract dream with only me and one other person in it. but lately... its been more than one. well... this one had nemo, my bro, genaro, and james. basically.. nemo came down from pomona... and there was this thick white film covering the whole scene during the entire dream..... and he went to some place at state to meet me. i think it was the east commons.. coulda been west commons.. im not really sure. so i was chillin there with james. we were playing with CDs for some reason. i think we were trying to program them with our eyes or something. and nemo came. i seemed to be pissed off at him or something, and he came in all arrogant-like with his chest up, shoulders back. so james, seeing how confident he walked into the room, came up to him. it was funny cuz james was like hella tall, and nemo was like half his height. and i was in the background, gathering up nemo's stuff. then outta nowhere, my bro comes in with genaro, sees what's happening, and back up james. i think they were gonna kick nemo's ass or something. but there was definitely some heavy shit in the air. then i gave him his stuff back, he pulled out my scanner and we hugged. then i woke up.
i dunno. i really need to see a dream therapist or something. cuz lately... my dreams have been trying to tell me something. but i just cant put my finger on it. well.. i probably can... if i really try. potholes, right james?

March 6, 2001
today i was going to wash my car, rotate my tires, and do my laundry. then i woke up. and saw the rain. shit there goes another productive day. rain rain go away. come again when i have nothing to do, no one to see, nowhere to go, and need some sleep. argh. i wish i had some hot cocoa. with whipped cream on top. with chocolate powder sprinkles. mMmmmmMmmMMMmM.
ive been on ebay since i woke up at 6am. blogging has been so uninspiring lately. everyone's hearts are broken and its starting to depress me. this is the last thing i need right now. for people to pull down my mood. yasee.... im in wunna those stages in my life when everything else sucks big cock, except for my relationship. so... when i hear about all these broken hearts... its just depressing. and im depressing myself. what a boring, boring, boring little child i am.

March 4, 2001
people that talk too much bug. you know... the ones that talk just for the sake of talking. the ones that will tell you the same story over and over and over again... and still continue to tell you the same story over and over and over again after you interrupt them right in the middle and tell them that you've heard this same damn story a million times already. or they run around a subject in circles when you ask them a question...they never answer the question, but they'll sure tell you a bunch of irrelevant shit just so it sounds like they sound intelligent. just so they make it sound like they answered the question and that they know what they're talking about... but they dont. and they dont answer the question. they just keep bullshitting until someone else takes over and rescues you from their yakity-yaks.
well... it really pisses me off when someone does that to me. and it really bugs me that im always the one doing the rescuing. i always have to save customers from certain people that talk and talk and talk and never get their shit done. so i have to do their shit for them. i sacrifice my sales for the sake of the customer. and do i get any credit for it? nooooo. i dont even get a thank you. damnit. oh... and i also hate it when im answering a question for a customer, and someone butts in and starts bullshitting with them. telling them the same shit that i told the customer already, but making it even longer and more retarded. yeah, she knows the features. yeah she knows the plan. yeah im about to close this fucking deal so BUTT THE FUCK OUT! it just makes me angry when other people make more than me when i do all the work for them. oh well... that's why i gotta make bank this month so i can make asst. manager so i can start firing people. can yah feel me?

March 3, 2001
inspired... yet... so uninspired
usually, i go through my dailies before i write out my maRfiles when i have nothing significant to write about. sometimes i dont. but today... there were so many things i coulda written about. but i guess the main topic that i saw on everyone's pages were about lies, promises, and getting hurt. ofcourse.. there were others... bad breath, cars,... u know.. the usual. there's so much to say... and yet... nothing. its wunna those i-have-too-much-to-say-so-im-just-not-gonna-say-it-because-ill-end-up-not-saying-anything kind of things. argh.
on a good note... i made about $200 today at work. nothing yesterday. and about $100 on thursday. YEY me! im #9 in the nation right now, out of 400+ employees. WOOOOOOO! job interview on tuesday @7. remind me that i must become a financial advisor before the end of the semester. oh yeah. i screwed up like 25 points on my midterm. thank God it's graded on a curve.

3.2.01am
look what i found in asianavenue. it's wunna my old forum posts....
addressing the first question, YES i have experienced racism in asianavenue. if you ever go into some of the chat rooms, it`s evident. the viets talking all their sh*t in the filipino chat room, the filipinos talking their sh*t in the vietnamese chat rooms. there will always be haters, always be some ignorant fool that thinks that their race is superior to anothers. think about it people... name one race that is superior above all. there isnt one if you take into consideration all aspects of each race/ culture/ religion/ whatever.
asianavenue.com. there are many sites out there just like this one. granted they might not be as popular, but it is almost impossible to name one legitimate site that promotes racism, or that blatantly states that this race is superior to another. these are just sites that people can come to to find a sense of familiarity. it is a proven fact that a majority of people feel more comfortable talking to and being around people of the same race and background. because it is familiar. this is what is comfortable. it doesnt necessarily mean that everyone thinks that their race is superior, it simply means that they PREFER to be around those they feel comfortable with. so if asianavenue makes white people and black people stay away, then so be it. if they do not feel comfortable expressing their valid points of views to a bunch of asians, then so be it. but from my experience on asianavenue, it has not been a problem. i`ve made friends with many whites and blacks here. why? because they think like asians. that`s probably why they come here. i strayed from topic. but come on now. just because it is an asian magazine, it doesnt mean it`s racist. IT JUST SIMPLY MEANS THAT ASIANS ARE THE TARGET AUDIENCE. if other races feel left out, oh well. there is something out there that specifically targets each race or culture. they just have to find it.
"love yourself before you love another." know your heritage before you pass judgement on another. but in the meanwhile, it doesnt hurt to open your eyes to new possibilities and enlighten yourself of the numerous beautiful cultures and traditions of this world.
i think i was pissed when i wrote this. HAH. man. i should go back to studying.

March 2, 2001
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!!! maaaan. i hate it when people deliberately walk through the "QUIET AREA" of the library and talk all loud. or the fuckin blondes that think the quiet area is designated as the Study Group area. or the fuckin library employees that think they're all special and that it's OKAY to fuckin talk loud while others are desperately trying to cram 6 weeks worth of lecture in their minds. i have to study damnit. this fuckin library environment is not cutting it. i cant study in all this fuckin noise. GET THE FUCKIN CLUE! IF I ASK YOU TO SHUT UP, IF IT'S THE FUCKIN QUIET AREA OF THE LIBRARY, GET THE FUCK OUT! FIND SOME OTHER FUCKIN PLACE TO HAVE YOUR DAMN GROUP DISCUSSIONS! *ahh vented. i feel better*
stupid people are idiots. blondes are idiots. damnit. if i had a dollar for every fuckin dumb blonde that i have come in contact with within the past week, id have enough to pay for my damn phone bill.
damnit. my phone is still broken. being out of touch sucks.