November 29, 2004
so here i am wondering what my next move will be. i've taken the first step in taking care of my finances. i'm two weeks away from graduation. so what next? i've been getting the nagging feeling to GROW THE FUCK UP lately. not just to be an adult in the real world (we all know i started adulthood in the real world well before my peers did). but to actually get my LIFE started.

LIFE as in... setting up my career. being independent (out of my parents' house, and buying a new car so my little brother can start his adulthood) and not having to depend on someone else for shelter. not having to do something that i look down on (not really for others, but for myself... i dont want to do makeup forever). and really just being able to take care of things and start my life on my own. the college era is OVER. the connections, the friendships, the partying... those can all stay... as long as i get my shit together.

i cant be in retail forever. i now i'm good at it. i know i have a good future in it. i know there are a lot of perks. but i dont want to do it forever. i can't live my life paycheck to paycheck. living under my parents' roof. i can't spend the remainder of my adult life devoting every holiday season to my job. and at the rate i'm going, i can't afford it.

i know i'm still young. but then i look at all the other people my age that are on to bigger and better things. already establishing their lives and doing what they need to do. i'm not saying i need to buy a house and fill it with pets and kids and a husband. i just need to branch out on my own, and establish myself. i need to live up to my potential... because i KNOW i'm not right now.

and i certainly can't wait til new years to get started. so what next?


November 26, 2004
they were like ants rushing out of the ant hill when it starts to rain. as soon as the clock ticked 6:00am PST and the doors to our little-big store opened, they started to flock in like scavengers. not a pretty sight. most of the women didnt even bother to brush their hair.

i'm just glad i'm not in juniors anymore.

the funniest thing has been happening lately. i've been getting random calls and messages from the most randomest people. men people. read the previous post and you figure it out. i just think that it's funny. and to the one person that it refers to (who should be ecstatic about my epiphany), he's the one that's been making the MOST effort to see me. which is the opposite of what i've been trying to do. no, really. you know it's better this way, and i know its better this way. we tried, remember? and it just brought back memories that you would rather forget.

funny how things work out the way you never want them to... but at least they work out.


November 19, 2004
it took a while, but now i finally understand why i'm such a horrible person. i used to think that it wasn't my fault. that if he took it the wrong way, then that was HIS bad, because he knew my situation. but... then i think and look back at it... and it was really my fault. and i'm a horrible friend. horrible person. booo on me!

it wasn't his fault that he fell for me. it wasnt his fault that he couldn't stop pursuing me because i had a boyfriend. because i egged him on. i encouraged it. i gave him hope that there was a chance, when really there was NO chance. i wasnt testing my faithfulness, i was testing his willingness. and in the end i learned that he was ready, willing, and waiting. and i was just having fun with it. and at the same time killing his confidence and crushing his heart.

how sad. to think that someone loves you back when they only really love you "as a really good friend." and then to put in so much effort. and try to forget that there's this HUGE barrier between the two of you that you know deep in your heart isn't going to go anywhere anytime soon. and that no matter how much effort you put into it, your always gonna end up with the same result. ... nothing.

he must have thought that the only reason it didnt happen was because he was only second rate. that he wasnt good enough. that it was his fault that he couldn't make me fall the way he did for me.

but that wasnt the case. he was the really cute outfit at the store that i know would turn heads. that i know would work out because i really wanted it. but in reality, i wouldnt be able to pull off something like that. it would be out of character. and just wouldn't look right because i would feel weird in it. THAT was the case. and as crappy as that sounds, it's what happened.

bleh. i'm sorry. i didn't know it was going to work out that way. i didn't realize what i was doing to you because i'm a manipulative bitch that can only see things her way. i hope you can accept my apology. i'll try not to bother you anymore. you really taught me something... actually.... you've taught me a LOT. and i thank you for that. because you really are someone significant in my life. and i'm glad that you've moved on.


November 9, 2004
we did introductions on the first day of class. well, you figger, there's only 20 people there and you'll be spending at least 8 hours a week together in a congested little space. that, and 4 hours of class time needed to be filled without going gung-ho into lecture that some unfortunate soul that was going to crash the next meeting would have missed out on. so we made little presentations of our selves. just like we did in elementary school.

i dont know what it was about steven that i KNEW that he would be my partner. maybe it was because he just got out of the army, or maybe it was because he was in shorts, a t-shirt, and some rainbows during a very cold night. whatever it was, even if we sat in different corners of the room that night, and we hadn't yet said a word to each other, i just knew he would be my partner for the second half of the semester. it was weird how it ended up that way. or maybe i'm just psychic (ooooooh).

in any case, i'm just stalling because i dont feel like working on my 410 paper. i have a few hours to do it, but i have a lot of errands to run today too. i dont know. i just dont feel like it. ugh. and i have about 11 more pages to type. =P oh the fun!


November 8, 2004
Big Willy wrote:::

Honestly, if another terrorist attack comes, I hope it comes to a Red State, because these people, from their ignorance, should reap what they sow. They were not qualified to make a decision on �who will keep them safer from terrorists�Ebecause they don�t know what it was like to be attacked by terrorists, and they certainly don�t know what it�s like to be a target since there are absolutely no targets in Red States that a terrorist would want to attack.

you should read the other stuff that precedes it. cuz really... everything that i feel... *BAM* right there. thanks. =)

crap. i'm stressed, stretched, and ground to a pulp. at this point, i think the only solution to my problem is a plea to the future to let me borrow a time machine to slow down time. not really for more time to finish projects. just some time to REST and sleep. and maybe catch up on some television.


November 4, 2004
so i had a meeting with 6 of my bosses (account exec, account coordinator, regional exec, store manager, department manager, operations manager) yesterday for work. they all came 2 hours earlier, and basically caught me and my counter mid-cleaning and mid-set-up and with my pants down. well... to keep things short and sweet... they tore me a new one. shit. i really need a raise for this.

i know i'm a little late in saying this... but whatever. i'm not as priveleged as everyone else to have internet access (or reliable service, for that matter) in the convenience of my own home (as a matter of fact, i dont even have the convenience of BEING home very often). so if i'm late in saying this, then i'm late. i just want to vent.

i can't believe bush won. gerard was right... california SHOULD break off and become our own independent nation. then the only "war" that would be going on would be nor cal vs. so cal. so i was still in shock, and very skeptical (mostly because there was no way... and because of all the voter fraud that's been going on in the midwest). but then i got to thinking... and that it may actually be possible.

someone said something on the radio the other morning. AJ's playhouse was giving everyone 10 seconds to say their shpiel about who to vote for. and someone said "a vote for Kerry means that all the lives lost in Iraq would have been for nothing" and it struck a chord in me. she was right. we would have been like the other nations that i yelled at the television for when they pulled out of the war when one of their citizens were held hostage. and then i got to thinking again... what the hell is this war for again? is it to support iraq's new emerging government? or is it really to stop terrorism? and really... how are we stopping terrorism by terrorizing the people of iraq? i understand that as a powerful nation, we do have to lend a helping hand to guide their government in the "right" direction.

hol up. all the stuff going on over there started because of religion, right? or am i just completely misinformed? because the way i see it... the same thing is going on in our nation that people just don't seem to get. wasn't Bush using HIS religious beliefs to try to get us to vote for him? and the conservative midwest is using bush as a vehicle to try and run OUR lives (pro-life, religion in schools, etc.) so really.. what's the difference? the amount of violence? because the way i see it, Bush is killing just as many of our soldiers in Iraq as the terrorists are killing of their own people.

so. the amount of DEATH is the same. the tyrrany is the same. the only difference is that we have an established government, and they don't.

how frustrating.

oh. and i have a 20 page paper due tonight that i havent run analyses for or done research for or even have a page of notes down for. YEY. what fun! another missed deadline. story of my life.