10.31.02.trippin.
finally took the time out to go over the past month's posts. whoa. sorry about that. a little too emotional at times. too informative at others. and i keep forgetting to close those alligator things and ending links with quotation marks. whoops. leaving broken sentences and missing portions of posts. eh oh well. like you care anyway. but for the most part, if there were parts that you were wondering about, they've probably been fixed. and if not... it doesnt really matter anyway right? this is my life. not yours.
October 31, 2002
to those of you who care... and those who would actually be interested, SIMPLE PLAN is going to be performing at COORS AMPITHEATER on november 10, 2002. it's a skate/snowboarding/biking feature that MTV will be hosting. please come out and support.
hey jer, really wish i could come out n support you on the 9th, but i gotta make the scrilla. 9-5. but ill try to get off early... ill try. but i cant promise anything. but have a good show. you're a performer. so do your thaaaaang.
in other news... i was on a 3week no-alcohol run. i was hoping to stay sober for a good month or so. but i guess not. we had nothing better to do last night, so we ended up at a bar watching the laker game. its k. i only had one drink. damnit i feel old. i feel like an uncle. haha. its okay. those white chicks at the other end of the bar were checkin him out. "don't mess" comes to play in my head. walkin around downtown, some dude actually took the time to stop, look me up n down, n comment loudly on how cute i was. mind you, this was while we had our arms around each other. geez. some people have no common sense.
i see RULE NUMBER ONE rearing its ugly head. funny tho... cuz it really shouldnt apply here.
whoops! i have class now. but before i go... i need to VENT.
more and more, i find myself detaching from my friends and sisters and spending a majority of my time with brian. it's not like i want to push everyone else away. its not that i only want to spend time with HIM and no one else. it's nothing like that. we enjoy each other's company. i love spending time with him. but i would also like to spend time with my other friends. with my sisters. but it's come to the point where no one calls me anymore. because everyone just ASSUMES that we already have plans together. so no one even bothers to give me a call. (with the exception of you erik but you dont count cuz you live far) if someone CALLED, i would go. but no one does. because they just think that me and bri have plans already. *HELLO!!!* a majority of the time, we have nothing better to do because no one else bothers to tell us anything. because everyone automatically assumes that we want to be in our own little world doing our own thing. we have each other, but along with that, we have an understanding that when it comes down to it, we dont have to spend every waking moment with each other. there are other people in our lives that we would like to spend time with. but those other people dont even bother to call. those other people have this stigma that we would rather be with each other than with friends. those other people need to get a clue... and realize that we dont hang out with them is because we feel completely out of the loop. no one tells us what's going on. it's not US that's pushing away. we just cant help but drift because no one bothers to pull us in.
i dont know. ive become increasingly disturbed by this. normally i wouldnt be. but with brian, im able to find balance between our relationship and the ties i hold with others. i dont want to lose those ties. but it seems like everyone is just pushing.
p.s. happy halloween everybody. be safe tonight.
October 29, 2002
okay. 12:22am and im back in RBR. shit. i see a cycle here. on the way over, i ran into KENNY, "cutiepie" from FAP (hah! she still remembers me!), and my bro LES. in the lab i see my sisters LEE, JUANICE, and MICHELLE. and across the way is my bro BAKLA-G. geezus. what the hell is going on here? suddenly studying in the wee hours of the night is cool? hmm. errr... maybe SDSU RBR is the new hotspot. i ran into MIKEY here last night. we talked for a solid hour. i went to study, and run into JASMINE MAYO. she doesnt even go to this school. mind you, this was past midnight that im seein all these people. GOOD LORD. but i love it. it's a bit distracting... but whatever. i like it.
so anyway... erik, thanks for understanding. eh. i thought i was trippin today. i saw your CLONE walk into my store tonight. hmm... or maybe i was just a little excited to hookah. but i swear... he looked just like you. i thought it was cool. but anyhow... i swear you told me 2 weeks ago that you would be down this weekend. i almost kept the text. sucka. so =P to you.
ive been takin over the store a lot lately. maybe i should ask for a co-manager position. i might as well. but that would just mean id be stuck there forever and ever and ever. but on a brighter note, business has been a lot better. meaning that raises could be on the way. WOO HOO! i frickin deserve one damnit.
i should probably study. or go hunt for someone in my social psych class to get notes from. i missed a lot when we went to see 311. oh well. that was worthit. ((311 and nissan Z)) and you're just jealous.
p.s. i've been sober for a good 3 weeks. proud of me?
10.27.02.hey.erik
damnit. i really just need to read your page before i begin posting. cuz i always end up writing a post JUST TO YOU. eh. whatever. sorry if this is a little late... but you know me... lag lag lag.
i know i have problems. that's why i have that page. to release them and pollute the internet. yeah. the z-tour made it to UCSD. i was there for 311. the Zs were just an added bonus. hey did you ever make it to SD this weekend? just wondering.
well anyway, on the 1st im closing. so i wont be free til like 10ish. but my mom's been HELLA trippin lately. so fat chance of me stayin out late. i know... LAME. the 2nd i have work til 5 but i have self-defense training at 7. and sunday im off. what time are you leaving for second-home-home? just let me know. i didnt get a text or a call from you this weekend. which leaves me wondering if you were down. hrm.. oh well. just lemme know.
((((here's the post for everyone else... erik stop reading cuz you're just gonna tell me that i have problems again.)))
so anyway.. i had the weirdest dream on thursday night. woke up kinda disturbed. almost feeling sorry for myself. ugh. maybe it was cuz i knew i wasnt gonna see Bri that day. err... maybe not. you wanna hear about the dream anyway?
i bet you dont. but you're going to. hee. i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. but ive been thinking about mark a lot lately. well not like a LOTLOT like it manifests my brain at every waking moment... but enough to the point that it's disturbing. i had a dream that he called. and that he wanted to talk. and we did. cleared the air. and everything was peachy-keen. i had that fluffy-cloud feeling in my stomach. like everything was gonna be okay. and then i woke up. realized that it was never gonna happen... and went on with my day.
maybe its my way of scaring myself back to being completely single. things have progressively gotten more serious with brian. and maybe im trying to scare myself out of it. my way of pushing so that i dont end up getting hurt again. as much as i trust bri, as much as i cherish every moment i spend with him. and as much as i KNOW that nothing like what happened with mark could ever happen with brian.... im still holding back. clinging on to my past heartbreaks to justify my status. but he makes me so happy... and ive never had anything like this before.
whatever. i dont understand. its okay tho. im a psych major. and all psychologists are CRAZY. this just means I BELONG!
Midtown has been irreplaceable in my CD player. the whole album speaks to me. i just cant bring myself to hit that "NEXT" button. constant repeat. if you're wondering why... buy the album and read the lyrics. it's a story... like my story.
October 27, 2002
geez i havent posted in forever. sorry for the delay. but ive been kinda busy. been head honcho at work for the past week cuz markymark is on vacation in teeexus (you gotta do the accent for that part. okay. so go re-read the sentence please) so this week was anything but routine. at least F*R*I*E*N*D*S was a replay. it's been an interesting week. wanna hear about it? (yeah. you act like you have a CHOICE)
okay i lied. the week wasnt all that interesting. BUT THE WEEKEND WAS! from my last broadcast, i was doin a lil studying in RBR (p.s. im back here BTW). friday we ran at mission beach. it was pouring. but we ran anyway. that was interesting. we actually ran the whole thaaang... all drenched n shit. he did pull ups at the little work-out area. have you ever seen a guy with a hot body doin pull ups in the rain? if not... you're missin out. went "home" (that meaning HIS home) afterwards to get cleaned up n we head out to see Ghost Ship. it was okay. not as good as The Ring. but it was entertaining. it got me cringing and screaming at the right times. went "home." slept. and got to home-home to get a change of clothes.
and then it was saturday...
started off the morning right. i headed "home" and we went to go get coffee/breakfast. drove up to Hollywood just to walk around. we ended up at Highland just to browse. geez dude. hollywood-ians must like to eat. cuz there were 2 eateries for every 1 store. needless to say, i didnt find a dress there. so we left the mall, and walked the streets. found the METRO. we didnt even know there was a SUBWAY in southern california. go figure... it's me and bri... so we decided to RIDE THE SUBWAY! we took it to UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. hung out there for a while, then took the subway back to hollywood. then we hit up ROSCOES CHICKEN N WAFFLES. didnt see any rappers. but the food was DAMN good. now i understand why my big bro loves that place so much. we're plannin on goin up more often. but there are closer ones. 4 total. so weeeez gonna hit em all up. afterwards we hit up Main Place in OC. then The Block. window-shopped a while. but no luck finding a dress. then we went to DOWNTOWN DISNEY. the plan was to have dinner... but the wait was too long. they set up a super-huge screen and there was a crowd of people there watchin the world series. so we hung out for a while. played in the disney store. n headed back to san diego.
yeah yeah yeah. doesnt sound too great. but you werent there. and for a coupla people who have lived sheltered lives... that was an adventure. cuz none of it was planned. eh. you wouldnt understand. no one understands us.
p.s. we have matching shoes. ;) NewBalance 991s. look em up. you'd be impressed.
October 23, 2002
hey p.s. if i forget to tell you... DO NOT DRINK ANY COKE PRODUCTS AFTER TODAY!!! supposedly it was part of some big plot to kill americans or something. i heard something of the sort. but anyhow... im not taking my chances. i dont think you should either.
in RBR again. AGAIN. 1036pm and i have a feeling ill be here past midnight again. (with bri ofcourse). well at least im getting some studying done. DAMNIT. i dont think i've EVER studied this much my whole life. and it's not even for my major. damnit. what a waste. its okay. at least this way, im sure that bri is gettin his work done. i know that ive been distracting him. eh. and i want him to get that extra bulletpoint on the list. YEYEYEY! it might take a couple of years... but as long as he gets there then its all good.
p.s. i've been wanting to go running for the longest time. i just havent found the time for it. eeh. im lazy. but i really really really wanna run for some reason. and its not even like i can actually go at it for long periods of time. i just like running at the beach. seein everyone have their fun. enjoy the scenery. and while im at it... gettin out of fattie-mode.
sorry for the whole long ass shpiel yesterday. i was just havin some difficulty withholding my emotions. my problems. and i know it may not seem much, but the size of them summed up is tremendous. so hopefully you understand. im feeling a lot better now that ive released all of that negativity. *whew* now i can concentrate on FIXING, rather than dwelling.
damnit i wish i had my camera on me. cuz yah know what? I GOT LABELED today! WOOOOO!!! haha. no really. brian LITERALLY labeled me today. as in... he got a sticky label, wrote "MINE" on it, and stuck it on my chest. p.s. i still dont get where we stand. but im pretty sure its not a bf/gf thaaaaang. and i know you dont believe me. i wouldnt believe me either. but... sad but true. it's okay. it's probably better this way. ive had bad experiences with labels. eek. so im proceeding with caution.
10.22.02.my.tummy.hurts.
ive been having to deal with a lot lately. as far as life goes, ive had to deal with pretty much everything within the past year. name it and ive probably experienced it (or have had a similar experience). and slowly but surely, i've been dealing. ive been coping and learning and getting by. but the consequences of it... eh. i know it's gonna bite me hard in the ass as soon as it catches up. and i know that even if i keep running, i will eventually tire out and get bum-rushed by problems. but im still running. ive become a stronger person. but that doesnt make any of the problems go away.
right now, im just gonna lay it all out. be completely open. regardless of who reads this. i always get in trouble for all the shit that i write anyway... so what makes this time different. i know im gonna get shit for this post. but i dont care. listen if you want... otherwise, you know what button to hit to make this all go away.
i've been having to deal with confusion as far as matters of the heart goes. im happy where i am. im happy with brian. there's nothing that he does or says or thinks that can make me sad or mad. i dont mind the lack of a title. aside from that, everything with him is perfect. but it's not that simple. i've got issues. i've got mark issues. because in all honestly, i loved him. and i wanted the same, but i didnt receive... which just HURT. so i can admit that im bitter because i didnt get out what i put in. that relationship was disfunctional because we disagreed on everything as far as how the relationship was supposed to be. but regardless, i was in love. and to have that in that relationship is just asking for heartbreak. and that's what i got. but you know me... im springy. i heal in different ways. so i healed while i got to know bri a little better. it all works out because we found perfect harmony. perfect balance. although my conscience still rags on me for harboring negativities, i know that this is something i have to deal with. but i still need to work on pushing out the negative feelings i have about mark. i've been trying. but knowing him, i know i wont be able to until i talk to him face to face.
financially, let's just say im not in the best shape. im working full time, and i've been for quite some time. but i just cant figure out where all my money is going. i seriously need to discipline myself when it comes to money. cuz its not like i can turn to my parents for help. its not like i can turn to my brother either. and a debt this large, it's something for the bank to deal with. its something that no one can help me with. tuition kicked my ass. so did books. and all of the other unexpected financial "emergencies." i find myself with NOTHING at the end of each week. my credit SUCKS because i've been so irresponsible. my savings is absolutely NIL. and i still have a whole lotta shit i gotta pay for. and at this point, i cant count on credit cards. fuck me. i need to stop shopping. need to get myself in check.
as far as school and work goes, i think those are the only two aspects of my life i feel that i have control over. im doing well at school. im doing well at work. or at least im doing good enough in school to get by (for me, that's getting a B average.... doing good would be getting an A average) work is going well. ive been handling the store while mark is away. at least i know he trusts me. maybe in time ill ask to be a co-manager. just for a raise. but i need to be paid better. what im getting is just NOT enough. i know i can handle 45 hours a week. i CAN. others have done it. so that means i can too.
and as far as family goes.... i think the only family ive seen lately is my greek family. my parents are getting PISSED that i come home (if at all) late at night or early in the morning. and im only home to take a shower, take a nap, then leave a couple of hours later. the most time ive spent at home was to do laundry. ive been paying the bills, but thats been the only contributions ive made in the house. i should be taking on more responsibility than i currently am. but its just hard. between work, school, sisters and brian, my free time comes to ZILCH. and that's cutting into sleep time as well. suffice to say, im tired. im beat. and i seriously need some R&R. my family sees it. and what do they do? bitch at me for not doing it. GREAT. like i need more stress in my life.
did i mention that the best lil sis in the whole world just depledged? damnit. that's TWO that ive lost. but if its not meant to be, then its not meant to be. i just have to suck it up and deal with it. sorry big sis, but our family isnt gonna get any bigger any time soon. its been a challenge having to deal with it. but... eh.
in a nutshell... right now im just trying to get by. at least i have my motivation in brian to get through things. he actually helps me when i need it. leaves me alone at appropriate times. he UNDERSTANDS. and that's something that ive never had before. he knows how to take control. he knows how to speak to me. how to reach me. how to help me in a non-condescending way. time with him takes me away from my problems. when we're together, everything falls into place in our lives. being with him is magic. nothing goes wrong when we're together. it's not that our problems get pushed away.... they actually get fixed. he's what i need in my life right now.
i know it really doesnt sound like my problems are dramatic. in comparison to others, they may seem small. but at 21, it's not something that i need to be dealing with. so it is a big thing. and for everything to happen at this point in my life.... it's just difficult.
10.22.02.amber.is.the.color.of.your.energy
im back at school. surprise, surprise, i didnt go to class. ugh. i was PLANNING to. i swear i was. but... i knocked out. so i decided that the FREE 311 concert at UCSD today was a better use of my time. i've never seen them perform... so i was like... hey... LET'S GO!!!! all in all... they're not very enthusiastic performers... sounded like the CD. but then maybe it was the crowd... they werent exactly hyped up either. guess it was the vibe. but it was still COOOOL. they have talent. and we were there for the music. OOH! and on a side note... there were 2 BEAUTIFUL Nissan 350Zs chillin in the field. OH WOW! i felt like humping the damn thing. and when i read up on it.... "whoops. i dont think i was supposed to do that" ((40 days & 40 nights)) haha. wonderful creatures those cars are. oh. i love nissan.
so anyway, i just wanted to inform you of our little adventure. im about to peace out and leave bri on his own in the lab so he can finish up that damn essay. oy vey. and it's due in less than 3 hours. i have to talk to my lil sis. so we're goin to IHOP. haha. i think i got her HOOKED! hee hee. ((habits are contagious))
p.s. my apologies if bri is mentioned entirely too much. we just spend a majority of our time together. so it gets a little hard not to include him in my posts. you figger... the only time we spend away from each other is when we're in class (which is rarely), at work, or the few hours of sleep we get each night. otherwise, we're on the phone from the moment we both wake up til we see each other. then from the moment that we depart until the wee hours of the night talking. (yes, we actually DO talk about issues. well actually... it's more along the lines of anything, everything, and whatever's in between) how we've managed to last this long without periods of silence, i will never know. but im not complaining.
October 22, 2002
it's 2am. im in RBR with Bri and viv. helping with his english paper that's due in approximately 16 hours. tutoring is fun. damnit. why the hell is this place so fucking PACKED? it's 2 in the fucking morning you morons! (whoa. reminds me of last night)
so ANYWAY... i suppose i should begin writing what i intended to write had i made it home tonight...
"it was my first relationship, so i didnt know how to react" those are Bri's words. we had a little conversation on the topic of first relationships. well actually, his EX walked in his store with her BF (that he really doesnt like very much) today. totally unexpected. he didnt know how to react. i guess all that anger and pain of seeing her with him just decided to surface. it's one thing to see your ex, and it's another when you see them with the person that they got with after you. ESPECIALLY when it was your first relationship.
makes a whole lotta sense. especially when your first bf/gf SCREWED you over. (remember that shit joe? it's okay. im over it.) lack of experience with dealing with those emotions can lead to very bad things. but over time you learn how to deal with it. you realize how immature you acted. and how it really shouldnt have a drastic effect on you.... had you moved on. eh. i dont know. i guess i've moved on... and that's why im not bitter about what's happened in my past. i've learned how to deal with it. i've dealt with it. and now im just a normal, functional individual. holy shit. i think i'd have to have dealt with it... cuz pretty much all of my past relationships have dealt with falsified love and deceptions. (except one.... but that just had too many jealousy issues that had to be dealt with.... see 2000/2001 archives for details)
so anyway... what exactly is my point? im not exactly sure. but you get it.
October 21, 2002
it's 1am. im not at home. im at the SDSU reserve book room. we arrived at 1130pm. why? cuz brian needed to be in a study environment (p.s. he's on ebay right now). im in my pj's. i have work tomorrow. and im about ready to fucking knock out. too bad the basement is closed. surprisingly, it's PACKED in here. it's one in the fucking morning people. get your asses HOME!
ah. there's so much going on in my life right now. so much stress! but throughout the years ive learned how to cope with it. right now, i just have to figure out how to deal with everything. get all of my problems straightened out.
at least i found closure tonight. i finally pulled up the blinds and saw the daylight. err... actually, it wasnt daylight. but i was able to rip away the sugar-coating that was so heavily encrusted in my memory. i tend to sugar-coat everything/everyone in my life in order to tolerate their faults. tonight, i ripped through the remainder of it and finally saw the disgusting reality of it. how plasticity just OOZED and how much hate and anger resided there. i love being able to see... being able to catch it all and let them play with those thoughts before they realize what ive been doing. mind games are fun. especially when you're omniscient. especially when you've planned down to the detail. OH MY! how my talents have grown! hahaha. (joke lang. im gettin a weeee bit big-headed) and the best part? when the puppies try to cover up their poop. even tho you could smell that SHIT from miles away. pride makes you foolish.
ooh! p.s. we hit up tower and bought a coupla CDs. YEY! even tho im BROKE status. my next paycheck is gonna have to cover insurance, cingular, 2 installs of dues, and my car. fuuuuck me. im never gonna be able to shop for formals. not til the week of formals anyway.... if at all. bills up the ass does not help. OY VEY! all this shit, and im thinking of moving out? FAT CHANCE! i need a higher-paying job. my skills need to be taken elsewhere. .... but shit... im a loyal little puppy... cant leave the crew that she loves so much. UGH. fuck this heart of mine. always turning to what's so bad for me.
...speaking of which.... why is it that whenever i find something/someone so wonderful for me, i run away? i know what my heart wants. it's right in front of me (well actually, it's to my left). and yet... i cant bring myself to be in that state... you know.... the L-word. in euphoria, but not THERE. BAH. and yet... i can find it in my heart to love someone that is so wrong for me (twice, actually). why am i so foolish with my heart? and then when i find someone i can actually give it to, trust it with, i RUN. i dont understand. this is what i WANT. UGH. this is just my head and my heart butting heads again. i bet that's why im so screwed up. whenever my head wants something, my heart becomes stubborn. and whenever my head DOESNT want my heart to be someplace, my heart jumps at the chance to be there. UGH. makes me sick. JUST STOP FIGHTING ALREADY! i know that this is what they both want. I KNOW IT. my heart is just being stubborn. burned too many times. untrusting. but im confident in this one. but the scars are still hurting.
October 20, 2002
lack of sleep. lack of time. lack of studying. lack of money. i lack everything but affection and love. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. not exactly a good thing either. having to pay for my car and my insurance is hitting my pocket HARD. i've been thinking of moving out, but at this rate there's no way it's gonna happen any time soon. im too deep in debt and my job is just not paying me enough to live out on my own.
me and bri just need a place of our own. all we need is a bed, a computer, a tv, cable, a refridgerator, a washing machine, and we're good to go. we'd save SOOO much on gas. soooo much on food. soooo much time. and we wouldnt have to go through all the hassle of telling our parents where we are and who we're with. HELLOOO! damnit. this needs to frickin happen already. it would make life so much easier. but.... i gotta get my shit straight first.
(okay. new subject) DAMNIT! it's frustrating me because i have no control over it. there are so many outside forces that are forcing themselves upon me. so many things that i can't control. so much shit that i need to accomplish but have no means of doing so. i KNOW what i want. i KNOW what i need to do. but when i try, i just cant seem to do it. what the fuck is wrong with me!?! it's a lot of pressure. i'm not supposed to have this much responsibility. im not supposed to be stressed out this much. im not supposed to have to think this much. but i guess that's just a part of growing up... a part of becoming an adult. what a fucking rocky ass road though. sometimes i wish i could be like other people.... so free from problems like this. but then... i like not being like other people. ugh. whatever. i just need to go sit in the corner and talk to myself.
10.17.02.erik
hey erik. ill go with you to that wedding thing in december if im not working. as long as i can be free by 7pm. cuz i have a sorority function that evening. its cool about this weekend. is it this weekend? err... whenever. im working all weekend anyway. and the 26th (saturday after next) ill be up in LA area. ack! but that sunday i have work 10-6 then i have to go to a meeting at 8-10. damnit! sorry maaaan. unless you wanna hang out friday night.
October 17, 2002
im finding myself with less and less time (translation:: this is a quickie post). with less and less funds. but all in all, it's been very interesting. there is always something to keep me on my feet. always someone new to keep my mind racing. but the problems are adding up. and as of now, i think im just barely keeping my sanity slightly below threshold.
vanessa was talking about how we're still in the honeymoon stage. first of all, we're not bf/gf. secondly, this romance has been ongoing for much longer than the 3-month expectancy of the length of the honeymoon. thirdly, i dont think i've ever come across another couple who could spend as much time together as we do and still not be sick of each other. what we have is unique. the fact that we can still spend hours on the phone together conversating without arguing for this long speaks for itself.
and where is it going? frankly, i wouldnt be able to tell you. we're just living each day by the seat of our pants. who knows... by tomorrow, this could all be gone. i highly doubt it, but it's a possibility. we rule out nothing. both understanding that life is now. and we've got to live it.
October 15, 2002
dear erik, wow. what happened to thanksgiving weekend? you must really miss me already! haha! sorry there are people all up in your guestbook, but you know... i really have no control over these people. they still dont understand that the purpose of me writing here is FOR YOU! hahah. yeah right. you wish. you're not that special. but i write to you enough on here that you really are. (((awww! im so sweet!))) hahah. well i just checked my schedule. except for work on friday, sat and sun... and feeding the homeless on saturday night.... looks clear. whaddya wanna do huh? huh? huh? we should go trick or treating a day late. so everyone can give us their tainted candy. ew. gross. but yeah... call me up!
8 in 24. and all i can say is WOW! you dont wanna know what that means.
im slowly getting everything together. hopefully my life will finally be in order by the end of the year.
oh yeah. i made it into the ricebowl journals webring. YEY for me. it took them long enough.
October 14, 2002
statistics show that if i update daily, i get more traffic. you guys get used to the tu/th posts and disappear on me. what the hell is that about? huh? thanks for your loyalty tho. you know me so well.
i worked a TWO hour shift today at work. what the fuck is that? oh well. it was fun. im at school now. i should probably be socializing with sisters or something. but my priorities are FUCKED. oh well. you still love me anyway right? RIIIIIGHT. you're just here to hear if i have any problems in my life. you're DISTURBED. what the hell is your fucking problem? geeeez. no. im just kidding. bri gave me red bull and i didnt need it. excessive energy. i should be running a marathon or something. ACK! make the twitching STOP!!!!!
OH SHIT! i almost lost all of october. i guess in my fit of twitching, i hit CONTROL + A then another button. and it erased my whole fucking window. *WHEW* thank God for CONTROL + Z!
but anyhow... i was gonna tell you how superfabulous my lil sis is. i went to the meeting last night. she woke me up and bugged me to go. and this girl.... hugged me, i turn around, and she's got a present for me. FOR ME! oh whoa. she got me a photo box... engraved with "Precious Moments of Big Sis Mar and Lil Sis Mary" AWWWWWW!!!!! she's the cutest thing ever. hahhaha. made all the other lil sis's look bad... but i dont care. my lil sis fucking ROCKS!
jealous? everyone else was.
10.13.02.bored.
so i took a personality test. actually, this one is really psychology-based. not one of those stupid "i am blablabla from blablabla" personality quizes. but anyhow.. here are my results... (they're in the double parenthesis... in case it wasnt obvious)
Paranoid ((moderate))
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.
Schizoid ((low))
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."
Schizotypal ((moderate))
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Antisocial ((moderate))
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.
Borderline ((low))
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.
Histrionic ((high))
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
Narcissistic ((low))
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Avoidant ((moderate))
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Dependent ((moderate))
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.
Obsessive-Compulsive ((high))
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
October 13, 2002
[[refractory period]] i thought i understood why i was doing this. but lying in my bed this morning, i couldnt figure it out. this just isnt like me. well.... it not being like me makes it just like me.... but.... eh. i dont know. whatever. i think i fooled myself into believing that it was true. just a part of the make believe world i guess.
i want to be more upset than i feel. i know i probably should be. my usual reaction would be to just forget about it and turn all negative. turn this experience into power. but somehow it just made me weaker. i feel like an inexperienced little girl. i want to analyze this. i want to break it down and rationalize it so that i can be strong again. but i've gone against it for too long. ive betrayed myself too much. and now its just too late.
hard to believe that it was just one simple phrase that could phaze me this much. the verbal exchange wasnt longer than 10 seconds. but the doubt that i felt.... i just couldnt handle.
October 12, 2002
dear erik. i had a GREAT time tonight. sorry i had to cut it short. next time ill plan ahead and stay home all week so that we can stay out late. yeah. i know i suck at planning. but whatever. i had fun. it was a very enriching. so THANKS! for opening my eyes to my own culture. haha. I TOLD YOU I WORE BLUE ON TUESDAY!!! hahah! bLLLue! thanks for the CD. but ye... yah better tell me about the next time you're comin down. CUZ IM SPECIAL!!! hahah! dont worry... the quote-unquote doesnt see you as a threat. i finally found one that UNDERSTANDS!!! yeaahhh!!! so the only drama from now on will be from home or work. not from the quote-unquote.
yeah. so i got home at 4 this morning. yeah. and my dad was waiting up for me. he was pretty pissed off. he tried to yell at me. but i ignored him. when i woke up, my mom tried to yell at me. but i was already late for work. so she really couldnt. got home. peaced out to pick up erik. then went to the pasacat show. (p.s. it was RAD!) got home. got yelled at. and now... bleh. im tellin yallllssss about it. bleh.
i need to move out. i brought it up at work... about how i was havin problems at home. i mean HELLLOOOOO im frickin 21 over here. payin my way thru school. and payin all the bills at home. and they still treat me like im fucking 12. UGH. makes me sick. so i brought up how i really need to move out. and i guess jason wants to move out too. and terry was dippin. and HE wants to move out too! we're all havin hella drama w/ our parents. so now we're gonna go lookin for a place. WOW! 3 out of the 5 managers at our store are gonna live together. it's gonna be GREAT! haha. those 2 are a TRIP! maaaan.
i love my work people. they're so great. they're FAMILY! awwwww. man. k. im a little emotional right now. maybe i shouldnt be posting.
October 10, 2002
coming to you LIVE from the UCSD Dr. Seuss library! hahah. yeah. that's where we are right now. how we got here? i really have no clue. but whatever. everyday is a new adventure. and our next destination? who the hell cares.... as long as we're together.... everything just happens right.
how u figger we were gonna see emil n vanessa at the block last night? watching the same movie no less. on a wednesday night. but hey... that was cool. always something new. we saw finch n SUGARCULT for FREE! woo! then off to the block for a movie. which by the way we saw RED DRAGON and I SPY for free. that was just coooooo! haha. hey jer, hope you had fun. we put the cheese on hold for a while. but ye... that was the best wednesday night ive had in FOREVER. more to come... hopefully.
well anyhow, im done. i gotta sign off soon. standing up and typing just is NOT workin for me. 'sides... our meter's bout to run outta time.
10.8.02.bloated.
(i found this in my journal-- the hand-written one)
we define ourselves by what we have. in terms of what car you drive. what clothes you wear. we choose to keep possessions that define our lifestyles and our personalities. or... we keep them in order to fool others into believing that you are a different type of person.
we are a consumer culture. when we have a problem, we buy things because we believe that it will solve our problems. shopping as therapy. by adding to our material wealth, we feel that we are adding to our personality.
im decked out in all Abercrombie. my greek letters proudly displayed across my baby pink backpack. armani glasses. 1L Evian in one hand. cel phone in the other. i walk with pride. because i know where im going. i know who i am. and im confident in what i am doing in life.
im not cocky. im not a label-whore. not an air-headed sorority girl. but based on the way i carry myself and the labels that i choose to display, i may come across as all of the above.
i should care. but i dont. let them think what they want. because i have nothing to prove. let them talk. let them have their fun. because in the end, i'll still know who i am. and that's what matters.
October 8, 2002
at least ill never get as bad as my district manager. i came in at 330 today. to my district manager. flailing her arms wondering where the hell our new girls merchandise was. apparently, she downed 3/4 of a bottle of wine over lunch. she stayed in our store for a good 9 hours. it was HILARIOUS. the fun people were working. so we had a blast. poking fun at drunk people will never get old.
and it's been brought to my attention that i drink entirely too much. at least it's not heavy drinking.... for the most part. a shot here, a shot there. but it's usually only belvedere. (HEY! that rhymes!) we have a bottle to kill before thanksgiving, remember? it's k. we're halfway done with it. a little more to go, and all gone! but we havent had much down time lately. booo.
school is startin to get stressful. it's hit the point where there's an exam every week (if not 2+). im a big sis now.... so i have to put in my hours. meaning i need to spend actual time with her... not just the "required" hours. sorority life... need i say more? and work is gettin a little stressful. it's getting hard to find time for bri and jan.
i need more hours. need more time. there's never any time! but it's WONDERFUL! having time management skills ROCKS! hahahah!
dear big bro... thanks for the message today. i had intentions of calling. but just never got the chance to between school and work. you know my schedule. your lil sis is always out and about. hopefully you arent being too hard on yourself. remember that you can always come to me for anything and everything. i know im the LIL sis, but remember that im still older than you. ;) it doesnt always have to be you lookin out for me... it goes both ways.
dear erik... hey sucka you never answered my text. so what time is that dance thaaaang on saturday? come on now... i gotta get my plans straight. are we doin anything afterwards? like D&B? *hint hint* i might be able to stay out late that night. ... maybe. haha. or maybe ill ditch you again to go up north. hee hee. kidding! gimme a call sucka!
October 7, 2002
hey jer.... we on for wednesday or what? yeaaahhhh!!! just find a way to get there. or imma have brian come swoop you up. =P but thanks for the artist/title. i knew it was midtown, but when i went lyric-hunting, i came up with ZIP. oh well. BUT SPANKS!!! oh man. so ACK! you went to the transplants' thaaaang at the epicenter? im jealous im jealous im jealous! but fo sho... weeeez gon see some good shit on wednesday! wooooo! oh yeeeee.... we were plannin on catchin RED DRAGON at the block that evening. you still down? gimme a ringdingding!
but anyhow..... here are some lyrics fo ya...
She tries to erase
She tries to replace
How it feels but I
Know she can never go home
Try to forget about
Living the good life
Free of positions
That make her feel vulnerable
She's loved and she's lost
She's bearing the cost
She seeks to find the answer for
Woke up today around
Six in the morning
Violently shaking
Remembering what she once saw
She bared it alone
Still she carried on
She seeks to find the answers for
The reason her life did not turn out
More like a movie
She's trying to forget it all
Woke up today around
Six in the morning
Violently shaking
Remembering what she once saw
She bared it alone
Still she carried on
She seeks to find the answers for
The reason her life did not turn out
More like a movie
She's trying to forget it all
I don't believe in anything
But I believe in you
I never trusted anyone
But somehow I trust you
And if I fall away
Someday you might find me
If I fall away
Someday . . .
the story of my fucking life.
10.5.02.DRAMA!
the best revenge is having MOVED ON. being petty is just PATHETIC. you think it's fun. and then you realize how fucking LOW you've gone. how much of a pathetic sack of shit you've become. and all for what? because someone has hurt your pride? oh. im sorry little boy. i didnt realize that your pride is ALL YOU HAVE. but didnt you know? that pride is one of the seven deadly sins? i know how much you want to portray yourself as an innocent. how much you love to be seen as a good boy. well sorry fo ya... cuz your wretched ass is going straight to hell.
some people just have NO life. specially on a thursday night at 10pm. who the fuck does that kind of shit? [p.s. im just venting right now. no words shall be divulged about the incident. just some general bitching. in hopes that my situation will help others in their own] sometimes the things that some people do to try to make you miserable are just plain DUMB. think about it... they spend hours trying to achieve their goal.... in hopes of making you SCREAM your lungs out and turn you into a depressed puddle of mush. but in reality, all they've done is stuck a prick in your finger. with no real effect. they've only given you motivation to make yourself a better person. maybe even give yourself a better self-perspective. they havent killed your pride. havent crushed your life. all they've done is rustle up some negative feelings... and they're not even about yourself... those negativities are about the pathetic sap that spent all his time trying incredibly hard to make you sad. and he didnt.
awwwww. poor pathetic worthless sack of shit. aren't you sad that you didnt make a major impact on me? are you sad that your presence is only worth recognizing as a failure? are you sad that all of your hard work has done NOTHING? you fucking should be. and maybe this time you'll learn your lesson and stop playing stupid childish games. ...... but i shouldnt give you that much credit. i dont think you're smart enough to learn this lesson. i dont think you're mature enough to understand how stupid you are being.
okay. im done wasting my time with that bullshit. OVER IT!
hey erik.... so i was cleaning out my inbox. and i just saw that you texted me "ILYBINILWY" hahaha! you're a dork! hahahah. i was drunk but i wasnt THAT drunk! but yea yea yea yea. you pretty cooooo yoself. cant wait to hang again. hahaha. but we seriously need to find a designated. cuz i wanna get you FUUUUCKED!
wow. what is this.. like post #4? WOW! well dont you feel special? you should. cuz its fucking SATURDAY NIGHT.
10.05.02.request.line.
so i need a little help. there's this song that always plays on 92.1. i SUCK at determining artists or song titles. so... if anyone recognizes this... please direct me to the artist and title. but anyway... the bridge goes...
i don't believe in anything, but i believe in you
i never trusted anyone, but somehow i trust you.
and if i faaaalllll awaaaayyy.....
does it sound familiar? AT ALL??? cuz im in love with that song. but i only hear it on 92.1.
BTW... when the hell did 92.1 get big? and HOW? i remember accidentally leaving it on there like a million years ago. cuz they were playing cake. then i got home. turned my car off w/out changing the station. n the next morning they were playing weezer. then they played more good music. so i made it #4 on my radio. hmm. damnit. i hope they dont start doing all that clearchannel shit.
but anyway... FIND MY SONG! FIND MY SONG!
October 5, 2002
yeah. i told you that none of you would show up. but thanks to those who did. your presence was much appreciated. i got to see my bros. my work friends. sisters. WOO! that was cool. and bri. =) got fucked up. p.s. SORRY KENNY FOR CALLING YOU OLD!!! you know i didnt mean it offensively.
surprise surprise, i didnt YAK. didnt wake up with a hangover either. its not that i didnt drink enough. i was pretty fucked up. i think it was cuz i only drank hard laq. MALT DRINKS SUCK. those are for beginners only. haha! or as a buzzer. but please... no more malts for mar. and the no hangover part... i woke up in the arms of the person i care about most. OFCOURSE im not gonna be hungover! the happy feeling overcame the other feelings. AHH!
SOMETHING CORPORATE ROCKS!!! after they performed, i was bout ready to leave. dont get me wrong... NFG and Finch both rocked the house... but i came there for something corporate. and i was not disappointed. cool beans cuz NFG played more of their old stuff than new (tribute to the long-time fans). all in all... an AWESOME show. cant wait til Boxcar!!! (p.s. only cuz there's no way in HELL that my monday night is gonna be available for the hoobastank show and the no doubt show is WAY too expensive. i didnt like ROCKSTEADY that much. i saw the return of saturn tour... and that was my favorite album. sorry gwen.)
after NFG/SC/Finch i lost my D&B virginity! WHOA! that place is SOOOOO fun!!!!! it's a giant adult arcade! and you get to walk around with drinks! and they're FUN games! haha! it was GREAT! we took our B52 (Brian 52). he got his heine. i got my fuzzy navel. and off we were! shot some hoops. played a lil skee ball. rode the ponies. drove a ferrari. i did a little boxing. he did a little slammin. we played the coin games. and made fools of ourselves on the DDR machine. oh man. i couldnt stop crackin up! at the end of the night we walked out with matching shot glasses, a powerpuff pen and a D&B bottle opener. it was a GREAT night. oh man. everyday should be like yesterday.
ZOO ON MONDAY! woo hoo!
dear erik... sorry they didnt have red bull at fridays. but fo sho! next weekend im workin friday 10-6, then saturday 9-5. no plans as of yet. so lets GOOO!!!! lets go. and get drunk. then go to a haunted house or something. or we could play at D&B all day. but you betta caaaaall me sucka!
WHOA!!! i just heard sugarcult is gonna be playin w/ finch in irvine on wednesday. at 6pm. OH SHIT! i wanna go i wanna go i wanna go I WANNA GO!!!!!! oooooh. no one got me start static yet. hey erik... you have it right? make me a copy please? PLEAAASSE?????? ill be your best friend! or.. err... ill buy you a game of DDR at D&B!
October 3, 2002
contrary to popular belief... im alive and kickin right now. got a midterm in 2 hours. that i sufficiently prepared for. my last midterm was well executed. and ive been a very functional individual at work this past week. been keepin up with my lil sis. sober enough to function well. (although there is a mysterious $540 missing from my bank account). im good.
im still debating whether that's a good thing or a bad thing... considering that it's my growing up week.... but i guess we'll find out tomorrow morning. tonight we drink. err... I drink and everyone watches as i gag and spill my guts (literally). should be interesting. got people from all aspects of my life- to include high school, sisters, bros, greeks, past romances [and the baggage that came with them] and coworkers. i asked bri to make a reservation for 30. although more have already made it known that they would be present. but hey... ill pull a jeff green and SAY that there will be 30, and instead have 60+ people show up. oh well. these are ASIAN people we're talkin about (a majority of which are filipino)... meaning that they'll ALL be late and they'll all leave early.... ordering between them a few appetizers because of happy hour. you know it. and i know it. damn asians. haha. oh well. tonight ill be too fucked up to care. ONWARDS!
p.s. i still have 2 chapters to read. its k. i managed to take notes and read 4 chapters simultaneously in my first two classes this morning. decided to nap through my physiology class. but i dont plan on being a cardiologist, so it's fine. my midterm is all book material. so i have to READ. p.s. did i ever mention how much that "professor" SUCKS? yeah. she lectures on virtually NOTHING. makes us do irrelevant activities. a majority of the class she stands up there and tells us her life story. then makes us do a pointless activity. followed by presentations from the class (which BTW are not tested on or RELEVANT to our class). and she tells us that our exams will be primarily book material because there's "NO TIME" in class to cover the material. BULL SHIT. i shoulda dropped it. woulda saved $100 on that damn book. and if i had taken it a different time, maybe i would actually LEARN something. but fat chance of that happening. so fuck it.
with that said... i see a couple of SAGA racers that i would like to invite to my little shinding tonight. i would love it if YOU came. it being that YOU didnt sign my guestbook and all. and p.s. when i mean YOU...i actually mean YOU. the person reading this right now. as in the person wasting their time to read a bunch of random babblings. if you're a stranger.. i dont mind. i would just like to put faces to readers.
nevermind. if you didnt sign my guestbook, you're probably not gonna make the effort to come out. you fucking SUCK. you chickenshit. yeah, you can read my journal, but you have no balls to admit to it. you just want to watch me like some sort of sick experiment with no independent variable. its okay... like i wanna hear your sad excuse for um... an excuse anyway. (erik, you are excluded... mr. im-gonna-post-in-your-guestbook-5-times-in-a-row hahah! but its cool... i like it!)
ooh! p.s. hoobastank. nov 14. cannes bar and grill. $14. imma be there. YEAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
October 1, 2002
holy shit i LAG! i still havent made a file for my september archives. WHOOPS. oh well. sucks for you to load all the text. but i know you still love me. cuz you know... i love me too. HAHA! joke lang. but i can do that. you know why? CUZ ITS MY BERFDAY! and the 21st at that. and why am i in the lab right now? well actually, i was planning on doing some catching up in my social psych class (the notes are posted via sdsu blackboard). but you know... you're all so dear to me. and i wanted to show you how pathetic my life is. BAH. whatever. send me greetings via guestbook. my phone keeps ringing and its distracting me from studying. its midterms week remember? DUH.
at least i feel special this year. remember last year? when all i got were like TWO phone calls. that sucked. nobody loved me last year. this year errrone n they're moms is calling. sheeesh. it started at 1145 last night and it hasnt stopped yet. maybe its cuz its a "special" bday. but still... that's no excuse. yeow well. im pooped. stayed out late last night. had to buy alcohol at the stroke of midnight. hit up sinbads to kill time. then the PB ralphs. then hospitality point. just like bri's bday. YEYE! i feel kinda bad tho. cuz my phone kept ringin. oh well. he understands. so yeah... anyway.... got home 3ish. WOW... my mom didnt even bother to call and ask where the hell i was on a school night. that was weird. woke up early. swooped up my lil sis and we had breakfast at IHOP. that was awesome blossom. i love her so much! and i just finished up with my physiology midterm. OH YEAH! that explains why im in the lab... cuz i finished up before everyone again. so i have time to kill before my next class. wow. that was a long paragraph just to explain why im in the lab. .... wait... WAS it the point of this paragraph? UGH. i dont know. im scatterbrained right now.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ZETA ANGELS!!! i love you girls SOOOOOOOO much! thank you for making such an impact in my life. you girls are the best present EVER!
p.s. how did i manage to spend another $300 in the past week? FUCK. i gotta stop spending. i need to study. damnit. am i drinking tonight? ACK!
ooh! been gettin lots of confirmations for thursday. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!