October 2003

October 30, 2003
i feel guilty for returning to my normal routine. i feel guilty for being able to celebrate halloween with my family. i feel guilty for not being able to give more than i have to those who have lost virtually everything. maybe i feel guilty because there are so many that don't feel anything. but why should i burden myself when there so many others that could not care less.

sometimes i forget how cruel and insensitive everyone can be. especially when it hits so close to home. their NEIGHBORS just lost EVERYTHING. historic sites have burned to the ground. and only ONE out of 3 fires in the county is contained. but does anyone care? not the people i've come in contact with.

but my words will reach no one. because what i say will only be shrugged off as a nuisance. these people don't need me to tell them how to feel. when i voice my opinion, it's disregarded as irritating jibberish that in no way pertains to them.

whatever. fuck them. if that's how they are, they deserve to burn in hell.

October 28, 2003
i woke up on sunday morning disoriented. my east-facing window had their blinds up. i usually wake up to the sun scorching my forehead. but that day was different. the sun was glowing red. and there was a massive gray cloud creeping from the northeast. i rubbed the sleep out of my eyes thinking that my eyes were playing tricks on me. i climb out of bed and look in the direction the cloud was originating from. but got distracted by the thin layer of ash completely covering my neighborhood. the usual sounds i associate with sunday mornings were gone. there were no lawn mowers mowing. the neighbors across the street weren't washing their cars. no cars off in the distance running errands. there was nothing but an eerie silence. i turn on my television hoping for some explanation. hmm. channel 15 news. it says LIVE 8:58am. there are fires in scripps ranch. but it's 9:58. so that was footage from an hour ago. but i can't move. the television announcer's voice is mesmerizing. what is this talk about scripps ranch on fire? miramar? MCRD?!?!? i grab my phone. wake up the boyfriend. make sure he's okay. at this point i'm frantic. the 15 has been closed. shit. so i drive up the 805 and head east. the sky is gray and hazy the entire drive up. the only blue i see in the sky is off in the distance towards the ocean. but even that lasts only a few moments before it's swallowed by the darkness. i make it to mira mesa, and as i head east on mira mesa blvd, i look on the other side to see a line of cars heading west. it's a parking lot on westbound mira mesa blvd from the 805 to the mall. all you see are distressed drivers trying to escape the fire. and here i was... heading towards it.

but surprisingly, the sky is blue above brian's house. his family is awake, glued to the television in the living room. they don't seem to worry so much about it. even though the fire is only 3 miles away, the winds are in their favor and are blowing in a southwesterly direction. i feel safe where i am. but the longer i watch, the larger the fire gets. the more it spreads. and it seems that their spontaneously igniting in other parts of the county. i call my coworkers to see how they are at work. 2 are freaking out because of where they live. my manager's condo is only steps away from the fire. the 52 is closed now. so is the 163. so are parts of the 805, 94, and 8. leaving me only the 5 to get home. in a panic, i grab my belongings and head home. it's only been a few hours, and my car is covered in ash. thank God i know the backroads. otherwise i would never have gotten home. the fire is closing in to my neck of the county. it's only a few miles away and it's headed this direction. it's like 9/11 all over again. except the threat is closer. instead of gallivanting in LA county, me and brian are glued to the television, waiting for the next update. scripps ranch is completely demolished. the fire is moving fast and the heli can barely keep up. it's coming this way. oh my GOD!

so i pray. and i make calls. and i sit in anticipation of an early evacuation warning.

midnight comes around and the anxiety and fatigue have finally caught up to me. i fall asleep to the blare of the television. and awake a few hours later to the buzzing of my phone. it's khris. telling me that robinsons may intends on staying open for business. typical. of the money-hungry, uncaring, large corporation. but there is barely any coverage of the fire anywhere on television. what the hell? one day it's on every network, and today, it just isnt as important? just because the wind died down, it doesnt mean that the ordeal is over.

i get to work. and i can't believe the masses of people shopping and joking as if nothing is happening. so i voice my opinion. and get reprimanded for doing so. this is a load of bullshit. america's finest city is going to hell, and the only thing they're concerned about is the fucking RETARD customers/tourists that only want to make a mess. these assholes don't give a fuck about what's going on. not like they fucking care if their families are going up in a blaze or if their home has been incinerated. not like they fucking care that there are better things to fucking do than indulge their materialism. go fucking volunteer your time if you have nothing fucking better to do. go be with your family at least for comfort. go fucking do anything else but condemn yourself to hell by valuing materialism over your health/family/home/neighbors. the only reason that i'm there is because nobody else could make it. because i HAVE to be there. but at a drop of a dime, i will be there for my family or friends if i'm needed.

today was the same. it's one thing to get on with your life, but don't be stupid about it. don't fucking run around outside while the fucking air is heavy with soot and ash. especially with your kids and pets. idiots. they don't realize what kind of long-term damage they're doing. go fucking do something with your family indoors. yes, life goes on... but can't you fuckers wait for a bit? do you not fucking see what's going on outside of your sheltered lives? i'm sorry that the air you breathe is slightly polluted. WAHWAHWAH. cry me a fucking river. but the next breath you take, imagine those ashes that you inhale to be the ashes of someone that burned while they were trying to escape from the inferno. that soot on your car that you just carelessly wash off is probably bits and pieces of a home that somebody lost. stop being so fucking thoughtless. what the fuck is wrong with you people?

i'm just frustrated. in spite of all the people that are out there volunteering and being thoughtful, there are the thousands of shitheads not giving a fuck about anything but themselves. those fucks that act like this fire was only an irritating smell hanging in the air. and what the fuck is up with all the looting and scamming? talk about dirrrrty.

my heart goes out to those who have lost their homes, and those who have lost their friends or families. things will get better in time, and san diego has yo back.

October 26, 2003
this fire is scarier than 9/11. because it's moving 30-40 MPH. and it's currently less than 20 miles away. my family went to church and i'm stuck in mira mesa. i'm ready to shit in my pants. times like these i wish we had rain.

bah. and i still can't find books to do my homework. GREAT. gotta love that. but maybe i can email my teacher and say all my books burned in the fire. =P but that would just send me to hell.

October 23, 2003
sometimes i wish i could cut and paste and glue and stitch myself a man. kinda play god to get what i want. you know... personality, body, looks, etc. but then again, if i had to stitch him up and what not, that would be kinda freakish. and he would just end up look like the texas chainsaw psycho (BTW... what a horrificly FUN movie! i've never screamed that much at a movie in my life! go watch. what an experience!) but alas... we cant play god. so alls we can do is mold or keep searching. i prefer the molding method. find a malleable personality with decent physical appearance, and have fun with it! the frustration is just a bonus feature... in order to mold yourself. bleh. but if only it were that easy... grab a 6'0" mold. change up the facial features, the hair, and form an enticing body. find a CNS that contains a personality that's very complimentary to yours. fill with healthy ingredients (e.g. clean lungs, strong heart, etc.) add a soul and viola! instant groom!

ofcourse, that would take all the fun out of the chase. buuuuut.... damn. what a compromise. i guess you have to play with the ethics of it all too... but whatever. not like it's possible anyway. =P

bah. how many weeks until school is over? cuz now it feels like december is years away and i'm gonna be banished to this horrific schedule until death do i part. Erik... i say we drop out now. like... RIGHT NOW. joke lang. what a waste of energy. cuz knowing me, a few seconds after i turn in my withdrawal slips, i'd grab it back and tear it to smitherines (sp?).

in any case, i think some of my professors have finally warmed up to me and they dont give me those "why arent you paying attention to me during lecture?/ why are you criticizing my teaching methods?" looks anymore. yey! no more evil looks. i'm really paying attention! and partly because the professors i have this semester actually try to get to know the students as a person, instead of just a social security number and a grade. they've added up the two and see me as a productive student eager to learn instead of the piss-on that sleeps during lectures. eh. oh well. cat naps arent so bad. especially not in large classes.

oh yeah. i've decided to take down my guestbook because theguestbook.com is stupid. out of nowhere, they've decided to CHARGE a fee for their services. so whatever has been posted for the past couple of weeks is completely LOST unless i pay the $9.99 per year to retrieve the information or to even keep the service. that's dumb. after 3 years of free service, they decide to charge. i mean.. it's not even that expensive... i just dont believe they should be charging at all for it. especially when the service sucks anyway and there are many other services out there. if anything, they should have at least alerted us ahead of time so that we're not stuck with the same gbook messages from like 3 years ago and the only way we can see anything recent is by paying for the service. that's not cool. whatever. it's dumb. so until i get a new guestbook up, just email me with any comments. i dont like the idea of that running comment board that everyone has up, so dont expect me to put one up. i like the oldschool guestbook. anyway... that's my take on it. not like you wanted to hear any of it, but whatever. not like you wanna hear any of this either.

October 21, 2003
i still havent been able to retrieve my guestbook information cuz i started out with this online journal shit so long ago. i suppose i COULD look through my OOOOLLLLDDD files from years and years ago to retrieve the information. which is probably crusty and illegible. or i could whine and whine to the .com that provides the service. either way, i think i would be to lazy to do either. guestbooks are so overrated anyway.

after reading the previous post, i decided that instead of trying to BE a psychologist, maybe i just need to consider going to one. (slightly outta context, but GROSS. this keyboard is so GREASY!) i have some issues that need to be dealt with in healthier ways than to lash out to those that have cared, and probably still DO care. and in this case, i've generalized to the point that acquaintances and close friends have blurred into one category. and the people that i do want to make a point to and those that have just been a nuisance have carried equal weight in this fiasco. but they probably shouldnt. in any case, i dont regret saying a word of it. i dont regret acting the way i have been. but i do recognize that this kind of immaturity wont solve any problems. that i do have some imbalance and need to isolate and target those specific problems. but i'm childish and insecure and it will probably take me some time to confront these problems. or those i have a problem with. or maybe in the heat of the moment, when i'm bleeding and irrational, i will deal with it in a less civil manner. in either case, it would be the wrong thing to do. but then again... i have every right to act that way. the recent heat wave isnt helping with my mood either. these transient states are killer when it comes to my behavior.

the fatigue and lack of rest is finally catching up to me. i have a feeling that the combination of this whack ass weather and the stresses of the coming weeks is going to lead to the demise of my health. err. maybe not demise, per se, but damnit i'm gonna suffer. the mucus is already starting to shed at an unnatural rate. the nausea. the headaches. the muscle weakness. the congestion and the clamminess. i'm deteriorating over here! but i can't afford to. because there is still a heapload of work to be done and the semester is barely half over (half over, or half way through? hm.) work has been a tremendous source of fatigue, as i have taken it upon myself to be the manager, the big sister, and the good friend. personal relationships have somehow intertwined themselves with the relationships at work. which may not be an absolutely horrible thing, but it does make it more difficult to sort out the two when problems arise. i've also found myself pulling the majority of the weight as an associate, as well as an unofficial part of the management team. ugh. and let's just pretend that this whole ordeal is not affecting my scholastic progression. but yeah right.

but as for good news... we received our graded papers today from Asian Dynamics. you remember the paper... the one which summarized, analyzed, and compared the philosophies and beliefs of Confucianism, Daoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. you may have recalled the whole weekend i dedicated writing that paper. and that i sacrificed study hours for other midterms in order to finish that paper. and how i believed that all that hard work would result in a low-B, or mid-C grade. hm. i underestimated the power of procrastination. underestimated my ability to research, comprehend, and write. because the final mark on that paper was a 95/100. in lay mens... a motherfuckin A!!!! hiphiphooray! not to get my hopes so high, but that IS 30% of my final grade in the class. so with no effort at all... and the inclusion of my attendance grade, i should be able to pull off a clean 50% in that class, if i decided not to put any more effort into it. BUT. you know me. so this event has risen my hopes, and maybe i can look forward to a B+ at the end of the semester... if not higher. but let's not go there just yet.

oh. someone please text me on november 12th to renew my .com. it expires on the 13th at midnight. so if you would like to see more, please make sure to remind me. thanks. =)

October 16, 2003
yesterday khris said, "i'm determined not to go to STATE. while everyone and their mom is stressin so bad about gettin in, i'm stressin to NOT get in." brought back memories from high school when i told myself that SDSU was a LAST RESORT. only if i didnt get into CPU or UCSD. for a while i actually convinced myself that state was the place for me. cuz the psych program is so good. and cuz this is where i can make sure my family is okay. cuz state students are my kinda people. til i realize how badly i was gettin SCREWED left and right. with my classes. and tuition. and gettin completely jipped of an education that i deserve. i wish they would offer more classes. i wish they would stop hiring people that can't speak english to teach classes. i just wish i ended up at UCSD. where the study environment is SO much better. and the biopsych departments are so much better. i would love to study under Ramachandran. ugh. too little too late. and i've fucked up my GPA badly enough not to qualify to even apply for grad school there.

but i know you dont wanna hear about school. cuz that's all i talk about. i know you dont wanna hear about AphiG. you wanna hear about yourself. hm. sorry buddy. not much for me to say right now. as of now, my only contact has been with sisters. cuz friends that say they've been trying to get in touch with me dont pick up their phones. and other people have decided that i've completely fallen off the face of the planet. then there are those that are convinced that because i'm always so busy, and i MAKE time for them, that the time i make for them will not be of any quality.

honestly, i'm gettin so sick of it. i've freed up so much time to devote to the people that i think i've been neglecting. but now that i have made sacrifices to make this time, nobody wants to share it with me. so first of all, don't fucking whine and moan that i dont have any time. because i DO make time for things that i feel are important... and even things that i think are NOT of any importance, let alone have any significance at all, but you think deserves time, i MAKE time for. and when i put forth SO MUCH effort to reach out, you retreat back into your mindset that i'm only there out of pity/boredom/obligation and make me try 10x harder to reach out to you. if you're in the mindset that i'm too busy for you because i have too much shit to do and other people to attend to, then FINE. let me be and let me just have that time to myself or to put to better use (i.e. studying, sleeping, reading, going to class). i just dont understand why you get so pissy/mad/irritated/sad/frustrated when i TELL YOU IN ADVANCE that i wont be able to make it out to certain events/parties/dinners/social gatherings/movies when i've made it perfectly clear that my schedule is SET for certain days and times. i DO need to study. i DO need to sleep. i DO need to eat/shower/drive/rest/research/do HW/work/see my family. and even when some of those can be sacrificed, they can't be neglected for so long because they are vital to my survival and success.

we're not gonna stay children for much longer. as a matter of fact, we're all adults. we all have responsibilities. understand that i have taken it upon myself to grow up a little bit faster than a few others. understand that i do have obligations to myself, my job, and my family. understand that in order to free myself from this lifestyle, i have to make a few sacrifices now in order to get to the next level. understand that my life may not be as easy as yours. i dont want pity. i just want a little more consideration when it comes to what you ask of me. just a little courtesy when it comes to certain things that are not priorities (e.g. phone calls, dinners, social events) i just want you to understand that even if my schedule is the way it is, that even if my priorities are set the way they are, that even if i have other obligations and the such, i will still be here. and even if it takes a little bit of time, i will do what you ask of me, given that you understand the circumstances i'm in. i try to be around. i try harder than you think i do. but it's harder to MAKE time than to actually do everything that i'm doing. work is hard. but not sleeping is harder. studying is hard. but learning 7 different subjects at one time is even harder. going to class is hard. but it's harder when you have no time in between to get anything accomplished.

it would be so easy for me to blow off my obligations and just crash. but it wouldnt get anything accomplished. it would be so easy for me to blow off studying to go drink up. but that doesnt get me good grades. it would be so easy to just drop 3 classes and take 12 units. but that's a waste of $5,000 in tuition and books.

it's a lot harder when you're paying your own way through college. it's a lot harder when you dont have any scholarships to depend on. it's a lot harder when you hate your job to go to work. it's a lot harder when your friends dont understand what you're going through and your professors/your boss don't take "personal problems" as a valid excuse for missing class or work and getting behind in everything. there is a massive amount of pressure riding on my shoulders and i've consistently taken everything with a smile and a "no prob" attitude. do you know how many adenosinetriphosphates it takes to generate ONE smile? do you know how much control and discipline it takes to take in all this bullshit from the people that supposedly care about you? it's a little frustrating at times. but emotions dont get the job done. lashing out at people dont strengthen bonds. being missing for long periods of time doesnt make you a more valuable asset.... at least that's what it's been from my point of view.

why do you expect so much out of me, and then turn around and DOUBT that i can do it? what kind of confidence and trust is that? that's a load of bullshit. that's like giving a kid money, telling him about the value of a dollar, then being disappointed when he doesnt spend it on candy from the ice cream truck and saves it in his piggy bank. plain stupidity on your behalf. it would be much easier for me to act in accordance to your expectations than to actually do what is right. but hey. whatever. thanks for being so supportive. thanks for believing in me. thanks for ALLLL the encouraging remarks of "you're gonna fail" and "i dont think you can do it." all of you have been SO INSPIRING with your support. and please... excuse the sarcasm. hm. and then you wonder why i snap sometimes. hm. something to think about right?

ooh. i'm sorry. i hate to be the one to spite you with the reflection of your actions. didnt really realize what you were doing did you? eh. whatever. not like it matters now. the damage is done. but at least i've come out of this stronger than i would have if you had been a good friend. but i cant really say that right now, seeing as i dont really have anyone that believed i could do this anyway. NO ONE.

it's the root of bitterness. what can i say. when your closest friends have become the source of the demise of your morale, you learn how to take that negativity and turn it into strength. so thanks for that, i guess. even if it was unintentional, you've managed to turn me into a bitter, young fuck. hm. don't be surprised if i turn out to be the person on the other side when it's your turn to suffer. cuz you know.... i'm only letting you suffer for your own good. just like you did to me. don't worry. maybe you'll come out stronger. or maybe you'll come out in a million little tiny pieces. karma's a bitch, isn't it?

October 15, 2003
my spanish class was cancelled AGAIN. well not really. he just didnt bother to show up. so our class decided that nobody will come to class on friday. whatever. works out for me cuz i have work at 7am anyway. one less absence i have to worry about. sucks to be me tho, cuz i was in class for one minute until they decided to leave. what a waste of gas. =P

damn i'm a geek. i need to go out and party. that bottle of jager has been waitin for me to finish it for the past month and a half. i havent seen a dance floor in who knows how long. i havent felt a good fade since summertime. i'm SOOOOO BORING!!!! ugh. the price you have to pay to start your life. you miss out on parts of it. someone at work asked me how many units i was taking. i told them 23 like it was no thang. they looked at me like i was psycho and asked if i had a twin that worked some of my shifts for me cuz i work full time. i said no. another weird look. then she asked me what kind of a social life i had. i paused. damn. i have no social life. not much of one anyway. i have a boyfriend. hang out with my sorority sisters. and go to concerts with co-workers. hm. how sad. maybe i should stick it out for another semester. so at least i can have SOME wreckless fun sometime this year. it's hard to get drunk when you know you have to be up at 6am to take a FEW exams the next day. it's hard to blow off studying when you know that you dont have that extra semester to do course forgiveness. especially hard to blow a hundred bucks on a night in downtown or pb when you know that if you get drunk, you cant study. if you dont study, you dont pass. and if you dont pass, that's another $1500 (by next fall) wasted on tuition because you decided not to study and go out drinking. murphy's law people. and it all has a snowballing effect.

damnit. i havent had espresso since monday. and that didnt really count cuz david put the wrong syrup in and chris dumped in espresso with no hearts. =( so in those terms, i havent had REAL espresso since sunday. oh man. somebody shoot me. it sucks to be poor.

October 14, 2003
i thought my hopes of graduation went *KERPLUNK* with my spanish exam last wednesday. so i decided to sleep in on friday and miss class. then yesterday i decided that sleep was more important than waking up for spanish then having to drive back home and do laundry. eh. but i decided to go today. and i'm DAMN glad i did. cuz before this morning, i had every intention to go to the registrar and fill out a withdrawal form for spanish 102. SURE GLAD I WENT TO CLASS!!! cuz today i found out that i did MUCH BETTER than i had anticipated on last week's exam. i was expecting a 43% but my teacher decided to be super lenient on the grading and i ended up with a 77.5%!!! hooray! that's a high C. meaning that i'm PASSING!!! all of which has restored my faith in myself.

but lately i've been finding more and more time for myself. to sleep. to eat. to hang out. i was actually BORED the other day. WHOA! what a concept! i almost forgot what boredom was (the self-induced type... not the school-induced or work-induced types). but there i was. sitting in front of the television in an empty house. so i got some rest. gave myself a mani&pedi. and caught up on a little TV. it was GREAT! i shoulda been studying. BUT... whuteva. i DESERVED it.

on that note... it's nice that campus has finally settled down. i am SOOO over all the hussle and bussle of the first round of midterms. the RBR was always full. there was nowhere to go online cuz everyone was workin on papers. parking was scarce because everyone was required to go to class. BAH HUMBUG. but now people have gone back to their usual ways. this is the way of the students. =) gives me a good couple of weeks until the next round of exams.

bleh. =P i'm tired. i should go take a nap or something. or do research. or something. ANYTHING.

October 9, 2003
hey.. guess what... I'M ALIVE!!! it's amazing how my parasympathetic system has completely overruled my sympathetic nervous system. no more of the heebie jeebies. lack of cortisol. it's almost inhuman. but hey.. i'm not complaining.

i wish i could write like jeR or jeanelle. to be able to let out my emotions verbally in such a raw manner. my shit always ends up sounding so watered down. but maybe i'm just too psych-oriented and always seem to write at an 8th grade reading level (that's the average american reading level, BTW. and in order to make your points clear, that's how you should write when addressing an audience) but that shouldnt matter. cuz i write for myself. and i believe that if i was able to write that way, then i would have less on my mind because i would have been able to express my true feelings. eh. oh well. we can't all be gifted.

first round of midterms are FINALLY OVER!!! but now all the reading starts. and it's kinda hard when you dont buy your books. but if you were wondering, here's the rundown on my progress. not too impressive, but at least i'm passing.

I/O psych: 32/40 = 80% B
Cognitive psych: 47/55 = 85% B
Psych stats: 62/75 = 83% B+ (curved)
Research methods: 76/100 = 76% B (curved)
Spanish: TBA (but i think i failed)
Behavioral Neuropsych: 50/50 = A (PERFECT SCORE! YEY!)
Asian Dynamics: TBA (but it was okay)

overall, not too bad. but now you can see where my passion lies. when i grow up, i wanna pick peoples' brains. literally.

anyhoo....i think my manager is trying to get me into some management training program. i'm not exactly sure, but she's been known to help out her associates in terms of promotions. i got a "friendliness promotion" too. so next week i'm gonna get sung to at the morning meeting. three cheers old chap.

10.07.03.still.here.
well... i got caught up reading email. and it got me curious, and i started clicking link after link after link. i guess my birthday really DIDNT count this year. on the count that wunna my bros just called 3 minutes ago and didnt mention a thing about cherry being the only old fart left in SD. sooo... with all that said....

i take back when i said that my birthday doesnt count this year. IT REALLY DOES! and as much as it pains me to be (i shudder at the thought) 22... i didnt think that it would hurt psychologically as much as it did. OUCH. last year, my birthday wishes took up 3 pages of AphiG guestbook space. this year, NOT A DAMN THING. how sad. so anyhoo.... if anyone is down to drink up, gimme a call. i need to celebrate that stupid day one way or another. otherwise, imma have to share it with carlo on friday night. =P

10.07.03.shit.in.the.crapper?obviously.
i didnt realize that i was gettin so behind in my research methods class. here i was, gettin all cocky cuz i thought i was on top of it all. NOOOOT. i COMPLETELY forgot that i was supposed to conduct all of those surveys by tonight. SOOOO... i'm planning to make a quick stop at kinkos then drive around to random starbucks and do them there. or maybe i could even harrass people downtown. bah. then i FINALLY get around to researching my hypothesis... and NADA. i have SOME support for it, but pretty much zilch as far as correlation or a similar study. well, i found ONE... but it was from the APA, and it woulda cost me $21 to download it. sorry. poor college student. BAH. whatever.

i cant believe i missed my behavioral neuro class today. =( but i was SO shleeeeeepy! i had the intention of visiting bri, and being back on campus by 11am. buuuuuut... my body got the best of me and i KNOCKED OUT. oh man. you shoulda seen the amount of drool i left on his pillow. i'm surprised i didnt drown myself.

anyhow... i should probably get around to doing those damn surveys. "excuse me, would you like to take a survey?"

i feel like wacko, yacko and dot should be chasin after me with a mallot.

October 7, 2003
are we back to tuesday/thursday posts again? hm.

shit. i thought that after my I/O midterm, i would be FREE from the stress of exams. ugh. not even. well, after my spanish teacher decided to postpone our FRIDAY exam to monday, he never bothered to show up for class yesterday morning. I just wanted to get the damn thing over with. so last night, i focused on my history paper and finished up at 3am. leaving me an AMPLE 4 hours before my spanish exam. whatever. at least i was able to squeeze in an hour and a half of sleep last night (but only because i opted NOT to study for my I/O exam). so i get to class on time (only the second time this semester that i actually made it before 7am, and the first time was yesterday). yeah. i get there. and he decides to postpone the exam AGAIN. so it's been almost a week since we were originally supposed to take it. and now that i have no other exams to worry about or papers to write, i HAVE to study for it. and since it's been postponed so many damn times already, you know he's gonna make it more difficult because we had more time to study. damnit.

ofcourse... i could always use the excuse that i have to do my research for my research design class. and i still need to fine-tune my hypothesis. but... naaaahh. i promised myself i wouldnt let myself slack off. so what if it's another sleepless night of studying. this is COLLEGE. and if i expect to get myself into grad school, then i need to get used to it. bah. whatever.

i saw joy jose on sunday. she came by my work after the festival thing at church and we had a chance to catch up. she's graduating in may too. i asked if she was going to grad school, and she casually informed me that she was going to MED SCHOOL. but she was taking a year off to do research. ugh. and can i just tell you... her new boyfriend is hot. seems like a really nice guy too. and you KNOW he's got brains (joy always had a thing for the smarties). man. Zhuangzi was right... everything in this world is relevant. i only THINK that i'm doing well because of the people around me. helloooo... STATE? the 4-year college that is MINIMUM 5 years to graduate? super greek party school. ugh. fucking senioritis. i belong at UCSD. not this shithole party school. (yeah... but you know i'm still proud to be an aztec)

yeah yeah yeah. i know this post is gettin long. just bear with me, will yah? one more paragraph...

this morning my little brother was so excited to inform me that he made colorguard and drill team. he SHOOK ME OUT OF BED to tell me. then while i was brushing my teeth, he tells me that he's not joining CG because they're already harrassing him. poor kid. bad enough he has to live up to the alejandrino name, now he's gettin harrassed about it. =( i wanna go over there and pummel those cocky little kids... but it's better that i let him fight his own battles. i'm kinda disappointed that he didnt take the family route.... but i'm disappointed in the ROTC program anyway. better that he's in drill team and him enjoy it with his friends. he's too nice for CG anyway.

October 5, 2003
work is driving me insane. i cant stand chronic liars, and the fact that i've been manipulated makes me feel diiiirrrrty. it's not supposed to happen that way. but my work family has pretty much turned into a divided battle. we're no longer a team because one chose to let her insanity get the best of her. whatever. fuck her. all she was good for was switching shifts with.

in other news, i have two midterms and a paper to go, and i'll be free to catch up on the sleep and my life that i've missed out on. but damn. how i wish i couldve just gotten piss drunk on my birthday. it's okay. jojo thinks we should celebrate after exams. and francisco has a fat one waitin for me to spark it. all will be well in due time. i just need to let this pass. fulfill my duty and it will regulate itself.

bah. my stupid stats TA is doing it again. i asked for help because i missed a class. but you know... he doesnt think it's his job to help out students. you know... cuz he's the TA and all. idiot. yeah. cuz he's SOOOOO much busier than i am. whatever. fuck him too. i'll just go over his head.

bah. okay. i have a paper to write. not like you care anyway.

October 2, 2003
for those who care, i had my 22nd birthday yesterday. i celebrated by staying in the RBR until 1:30am, going home, waking up at 6am and going to class. oh. then i went to work and had an argument with one of my co-workers. it gets better! after work i came home to an empty house. so i studied. then i ate. then i slept. WOW! exciting isnt it? it's okay... i'll make up for it over the weekend. i get to write a paper summarizing, analyzing and comparing the entirety of the "bibles" of buddhism, hinduism, confucianism, and daoism. OOH! then i get to work everyday. AAAAAND study for my spanish quiz on friday, my spanish exam on monday, my I/O exam AND my history exam on tuesday! HOOORAAAYYY!!!! doesnt all that sound exciting? what an ACTION PACKED BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!!

and if you're a nerd like me, that really IS action packed. my manager gave me a card commenting that i was a PARTY ANIMAL. ooooohhhhhh yeah. that's me alright. it's party central all up in hea!

excuse the sarcasm. i'm just a weeeee bit tired. my brain is fried and i wish i could just drink this all away. for a weekend at least. BUT i would rather skip my birthday than not graduate. i'm not too excited on becoming 22 either. that's kinda the point in life when you should be tyin loose ends and starting your real adult life. i wanna have these kids by 26. and have at least 2 degrees by 25. preferably my doctorate, but we'll see how things go.

anyhow, i should get back to studying. and the schizo-inducing path that i have taken. later yalls.