10.31.05.again.boo!
being single has taught me the 50% rule. meaning that there's always a 50% chance that there is absolutely NOTHING there except beer-goggle good looks and maybe one good date. example one: max, tim, R, n mark: R n mark are still in the running, but max and tim got boring FAST. this past weekend weilded a few more options... but as always... only 50% have potential.

and potential for WHAT? you say? honestly... nothing serious. nothing as far as relationships. i just want some good dates, some good times, and someone else to call other than the three that i always call who would drop anything for some mar-attention.

i've been on this referring-to-myself-in-third-person kick lately. "mar says..." bla bla bla bla bla. and btw, if you say that fast enough, it sounds like a fob sayin "love love love love love"

k. mar needs to give her car some love. be good!


October 31, 2005
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, folks! be safe, have fun, get wasted and barf on your DD!!! =) let the good times roll... and the cavities rot. =)

this weekend was my first halloween EVER that i've ever gone out and partied and went in costume. and it was a TREAT. =) (btw, my date with R fell through. it was a bummer, but we made plans for the week. i'll let you know how that goes.) but i'm SOOOOO glad that R didnt come with me that night. =) i was a bad angel (i know, typical)... and i mean a BAAAAAAAAAD angel. mar, you're such a whore.

HOB sold out by the time we got halfway through the line, so my cousin n bro n I decided to cruise 5th ave for a different party. found my sisters and some RhoBrhos, we decided to party with them. good times were had by all... and i'm glad. =) my rho-twin n i (the alkies of the family) were drunk dialing our big brho all night and it was HEEELAAARIOUS. someone told me we kept kissing each other... but that part i dont remember much. i just remember dancing with Cornrows and being pulled away by Blackie. then running into Chinaman who wouldn't let go the rest of the night.

i did get an invite from (insert name here, cuz i forgot. whoops) whilst me n my bros were cruisin 5thav, and he grabbed my hand, pulled me into line, and tried to keep me there. sorry homie... you're cute, but you're not worth me leavin my DD, my cousin, my sisters, and brhos. that night was all about havin some fun and seein the drunkside of my fam. =)

and p.s., Chuck, we broke up a long time ago. i'm allowed to do what i'm doin. not that i have to justify it to anyone... but you have to understand that our relationship was different from what the two of you had. and you know what? we're SO YOUNG. i know you have a lot of shit you gotta get out of your system. DO IT NOW. get it over with and have some fun while you're at it. we seriously need a bro roundtable. just a hump, homie.

i finished up all the dental work i have for the rest of the year. i'm just now starting to get feeling back in my lips. hahah! you should have seen me grocery shopping with my lips all swollen and just kinda hangin there. good stuff. so no more dental work til February! hooray!!!!

the cosmetic girls at robmay fashion valley are GROSS. yesterday we all had a very long, very LOUD, conversation about bodily fluids and gas. ooh. yummy.


October 29, 2005
i love that i'm one of gerard's links! love it love it love it. it feels good to be linked/loved, doesnt it? i think so. especially by someone so oldschoolwebjournal like gerard.

come to think of it... if i never found gerard's page, i never woulda started talking to erik again. cuz i found erik on gerardo's forum. erik, you're such a geek.

and know how i stumbled upon gerardo's page? its cuz i was with nEmO back in the day, and nEmO and rolanDOe were hella close, and at the time rolanDOe had a webjournal and had linked his then-girlfriend kristine on his page. so when i saw Doe's page, i clicked on kristine's webjournal, then lingered over to gerardo's webjournal, and started participating in the forums, and viola! found erik posting in the forums too.

crazy shit. if i never broke up with genaro to hook up with nemo i never woulda gotten back in touch with erik. weird weird weird.

anyhoo... if you need me, call me. i'll be on my "date" with R tonight. know the bad part? max will be working there that night too. shhhhh. don't tell R that i'll be with the bouncer. =)

haha. and that's why i'm wearing the BLACK halo tonight!


October 28, 2005
when you make a big guy throw up, you know you've got MAD skills! =) hooray for Insti-mar. another one bites the dust!

question: if you invite someone to a party... actually... a CLUB party, and it's someone you know is interested in you... and you know you're gonna roll there at the same time, probably in the same ride... does that constitute a DATE? cuz to me, it doesnt. because although we'll be there together, we'll be there hanging out with other people. and i'll wanna dance with other people. BUT... HE thinks its a date. i dont think its a date. ugh. stupid boys. but i think he'll get the hint if i accept drinks from other people. or dance with other people. or ditch him at the door. how you do let a nice guy down like that? woe is me. i should just accept it as a date. let him buy me drinks all night. but we'll see.

this being single thing is REALLY fun. but really expensive. now i know why everyone drinks beforehand.

but anyway... i drunk dialed brian. before you get all "what the fuck did you do" on me... let me tell you how it came to be. first he text me that it was Iceman's bday and that he just downed a pitcher (knowing him, it took about an hour and a half). so i text him back if he could buy Iceman a shot of Jager in my honor. he text back that Iceman was already cut off. so i called him. and he answered. and were talking about weird shit. like taco bell. and about how edwin was barfing all over the Omni carpet. and how the views from the exec suites were AWESOME. and some other shit. but i was kinda hammered so it didnt make much sense. then he offered a place for me to crash that night. i.e. his bed. um. no thanks. that's just a heartbreak waiting to happen. so instead... i did my business and let it go. sad thing is... i think sometime during the night, i text him that i was still in love with him. its not something that i'll deny, because i do. i just dont need him to know that.

i talked to one of his close friend's fiance, and she told me that i would be getting a separate invitation to the wedding. no guest, ofcourse. which is really sad. because his invitation includes a guest. which was supposed to be me. =( having mutual friends sucks. but i just have to keep telling myself... they were MY friends FIRST.

i told rodney that i'm evil. he believes it. but i'm doing his geometry. so he can kiss my ass.


October 26, 2005
broadcasting LIVE from the AV office ... of the OMNI!!!! thanks dwin for the WONDERFUL tour!!! man. if you could have seen what i've seen tonight.... WOW. anyhooo.... just for the shoutout... edwin's watching me type this. *wonk wonk*

k. off to drinking. thanks liver. i love you.


10.25.05
wow. duo posts in a day. havent done that since i've been in school. which was... hrmmm... about a million years ago. but anyhoo....

Max is 29. coaches baseball for kids 12< and works at scripps la jolla in the research department. own place. forever bound to san diego. superhot and an all around nice guy.

R is 26. a student, but his heart will always be with the kids that he teaches karate. tall, cute, and very sweet. very focused on school but loves to galavant. he's no alkie but loves to go out all night.

Tim is 28. a bartender at what seems will be my new favorite hangout. outgoing. funny. tall with broad shoulders. SUPER fun to hang out with.

mark is 24. tall, slim, and a smile that would melt your heart. we go way back to the pager feen days. though a little misguided as far as school goes, he's a free spirit and things always seem to work out for him. my schoolgirl crush seems to have smitten me again.

but alas... i stopped returning calls. the spark of interest only seems to be a spark without an accelerator. and nothing happens. and believe me... everyone seems to wonder WHY nothing has happened. i've always been quick to rebound. always been the fastest at jumping back into the game. and although this breakup left me without a suitor waiting in the shadows, it wasnt before long before my phone was ringing again.

and these guys i'm meeting.... they're WONDERFUL. they're HOT. and they definitely have some potential. if not as a bridge-boyfriend, at least a few good dates. so why do i end it before anything even has a chance to spark? why? why? why? why?

because none of them are brian. and as much as i WANT to move on. as much as i HATE feeling like i have no control over it. and as much strength that i've had in the past few weeks, i still love him, and that's that. i wish that i could pull the old iloveyoubuti'mnotinlovewithyou phrase with him, i can't. because it would be a lie. granted, i've come pretty far along and seem to have recovered VERY WELL from the whole thing.... it doesnt stop my heart from beating for him.

because it WAS a good relationship. there were bad times and bad fights, but what couple doesnt?

i just have to keep telling myself that it was unhealthy. that i'm better off single for now. hell... the longest i've been single for the past 7 1/2 years 3 months... and that was the three months that it took brian to ask me to be his girlfriend.

so its good to be single. i really do need to date around for awhile. get my standards back up. stop settling for the first guy to sweep me off my feet. (but it is pretty fun). this is good for me. and maybe that IS the reason why i'm holding back so much. because i'm SCARED of being swept off my feet. i've done the relationship thing. i need to do the dating thing before i really know what i need.

but maaaaaaan. going out is fucking EXPENSIVE!


October 25, 2005
dude, they're ALL the same. at least in san diego they are. i just dont understand why they're all so UNMOTIVATED down here. they don't wanna do anything but party for the rest of their lives. not even that, but if they're done partying, they'll settle for any job they can get that pays the bills. ARGH. it makes me so sad. OH WELL. what are you going to do? cosmo was right.

so i gained 5 pounds this weekEND. how? all my caloric intake this week has been from alcohol, and the food to sober me up. meaning... dennys, mexican food, and pizza. OOOH. doesnt that sound like a heart attack waiting to happen? or in my case, a really bad case of... welll... we wont go there. it's too early in the morning. (a little past 7am para mi)

these three days off have been good to me. i'm only looking forward to one thing going back to work. actually... since i'm a midshift today... make it TWO "things."

but hey... i do have some good news.... i've actually been goaling myself for certain baby steps, and i've gotten there! WOOHOO! baby steps, but at least they're steps forward, not back. i'm determined to get my shit straight by the time i'm 25. and if my timeline doesnt work out, at least i have a back up plan (or one in the making, for that matter). i'll try to keep you updated. hey... i've done a good job so far this month, right?

oh. erik... p.s. it's automatic, 4door, forest green, and COMPLETELY stock. you would have no fun riding in it. but you probably would have had a better time driving it on thursday. it has a little more kick, and being that low to the ground is pretty fun. we'll take it out next time you're down. and next time better be before manny&ha's prom.


October 23, 2005
if you've never been out with me, then you're missing out on good times. i took out a couple of girls from work last night and they had a BLAAAAST! =) it was good times. then again... it was a really good crowd. looks like i have a place to go on saturday nights now. but it's really about trying to experience new things. so next week we'll hit up something different. ooh! and there'll be hella halloween parties next weekend. but i still have no costume. =(

i've been feelin a lot of pressure lately... but i have to remember that i'm still starting out again. none of this rushin rushin like it used to be. ya'll gotta chill with the rebound rules. i will have one in due time. just let me have my peace and fun for now.

but at least i know i'm not a dried up old woman. =) hahahhha. you dont know what that means and it's makin me laugh.

OOH! and me and erik got harmonicas! dude... that was a good night. harmonicas, in n out, trivia, tickets, halloween costumes, santanas, driving home, and a blue 151? maaaan. that was good times. next time... we do all of that AND cheap sushi! hmmm... maybe after our prom picture?


October 19, 2005
today i gave myself a VERY EARLY, very EXPENSIVE christmas/new years/birthday present. a trip to the dentist. and i bet you're asking WHY it's so expensive and costly, and how could it POSSIBLY be a present to myself? WELL... here's the rundown. after my wisdom tooth was pulled last week, i came back this morning for my follow up and my check up. my dentist REALLY got into the nittygritty of my teeth, and showed me how disgusting my mouth looked from a bacteria's perspective. okay... i always thought i had a pretty decent smile. aside from the cavities, it wasn't all bad. they weren't yellow despite my coffee habit and occasional cigarette. UNTIL... i saw my rear molars and my X-rays. my teeth are GROSS. so today i had one of my teeth crowned. on halloween i'm getting another crown, and 3 cavities filled. my grand total? $2515. and how much of that will my insurance cover? a whopping $1000. GREAT. which means these procedures will set me back $1515, and i have six months to pay for it. =P you know... because i'm SOOOOOO rich right now. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. then in February, when my insurance rolls back around, i have to have my last wisdom tooth removed, have ANOTHER tooth crowned, and get all of my fillings replaced (because they're old and leaking). damnit. and that ofcourse will be another large expense.

dude, my teeth are more expensive than the integra i just bought.

yeah, i bought an integra. a 1996 integra GS sedan. yeap. i drive an integra. and yes, i AM asian.

at least tomorrow i get to forget all my cares with my favorite drinking buddy. i'm EXCITED!!! erik... DUUUUUDE... we should just rent a motel room or something so we don't have to worry about gettin our drunk asses home. i'm excited. i have a bar to take you to. you'll have a blast. it's HEEELAAARIOUS! we'll go after sushi. it's close by. =)

and you'd be very proud of me. i actually have had some balls lately. slowly but surely... marmar is resurfacing as she was before. you'll find out as details develop. i just dont wanna jinx anything right now. i'm still trying to get the hang of things again.

in other news, i was talking to my buddy vinh from work today (cox.net/vinhman) because he'll be turning a quarter century in about a month or so. all his buddies are all gettin hitched and havin babies. and so are all of mine. yikey shnikey! but we're all so YOUNG!!! we still have tons and tons of time to do all of that. HELLOOOOO haven't you heard? everyone is livin longer and stayin younger longer. meaning.... we have MORE time to be young and irresponsible and carefree! =( i figger... i still have a couple of years before i have to even THINK about that kind of stuff.

p.s. from this point on, i live by the Playhouse rules of relationships. that whole past 18months thing is no longer gonna fly. i'm not gettin any younger here, and no point in wasting time with something not worth spending time on. it's one thing to be young and carefree, but it's something completely different to keep hoping for something that might never happen.


October 16, 2005
i had dinner with Ha last night. we just decided to do Unos... it was quick, easy, and at least we knew the bartender. we headed over in hopes of finding two other people to pick up our tabs and follow us back to work and alleviate the boredom. alas, nothing. everyone there was either too old, or with their girlfriends. but at least our bartender, never lacking in conversation, was wonderful. and at least we got someone to buy drinks. unfortunately, they were two much older men, only interested because we were talking about shots of hennesey, snowboarding, and how the angels were getting slaughtered by the white sox. =( but hey... a free drink is a free drink.

today i looked for new sheets. my book is applying the 12-step program (think AA) for this break-up, and one of the points is to change my surroundings. so there i was, looking through miles and miles of fabric trying to figure out which color or pattern wasn't going to give me nightmares and make me itch at night. i'll definitely miss my winnie the pooh covers and comforter, but maybe it really IS time for a change for the better.

my next step? get a break-up buddy... aka a SPONSOR. someone who will slap some sense in me and to be the person i call when i'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown. i'm still currently taking applications, and from the trend of most recent interviews, hopefully i'll have my sponsor by week's end. =) always positive, right?

okay. time to go change my car battery. my poor adam has been sitting in front of my house for the past three days. waiting for a battery so he can go play with his friends again.


October 15, 2005
there's nothing like sisterhood, good friends, and a really good self-help book to get you through a break up. =) i'm happy to report that i'm no longer a pathetic heap of dogpile laying in bed feeling sorry for myself. i'm actually a TON better. thanks. =)

a ton better, yes. unfortunately, not everything is. my car is slowly dying on me, so he needs a little more than attention. yikes. i'm expecting to throw down a lot for his needs within the next couple of weeks. and my teeth... OY my teeth!

wednesday morning i went in to my new dentist for a routine cleaning and check up. my cleaning ran a little longer than expected because of the sensitivity of my teeth. apparently, my fillings are all starting to get loose, and must all be replaced. CRAP. do you KNOW how expensive it is to get all my fillings replaced? let's just say that i don't have ANY molars without some silver, if not most of it being silver. =( i also complained of my upper wisdom teeth aching a little. my dentist took one look at them, and told me that they HAVE TO COME OUT. .... that day. =P so he cracked it, yanked it, stuffed some gauze in the hole, and told me to call him in the morning.

did i forget to mention that my ubersmart manager decided that i couldn't possibly miss a day of work to let my mouth heal from the extraction. so immediately after my dental work, i was off to work. FUN FUN FUN!!!!

yargh. i'm sore. i'm in pain. and i'm going to need a huge loan to get my car fixed. =(

always something, right?


October 10, 2005
thank you to the people who called with concerns. i really appreciate it. it really shows who your true friends are when you're in a time like this. hey... i got your back. anytime you need me... you just let me know.

my sisters had an intervention on friday morning. surprised me with sushi for lunch to get out all of my grievances and to remind me of what a great support system i was not taking advantage of. then they took me out on a night on the town (downtown, uh hur) to get my mind off of things and to remind me why i missed single life. thanks ladies, you really are the best sisters a girl can have. here. click on this. me n my honorary lil sis michele

saturday we went to the game. it was a nice turn of events. funny things happen when you turn your radar back on. padres lost, but it was an exciting second half. WE WERE SOOOO CLOSE!!!! but oh well. maybe next year. all in all, a good night. and downtown was HELLLA poppin that night. reminds me of why i LOVE downtown.

sunday was our chill day. hung out. had sushi. went grocery shopping. and painted. i'm one visit away from getting a key! i love my sisters!!!

and today i returned to work. to a bunch of sad faces and drama up the wazoo. i'm touched that everyone missed me. and i got tons of presents. YAY! my friends don't suck.

it was kinda sad tho. going back. everyone wondering what happened. honestly, i'm tired of wallowing. i'm tired of crying. i'm just tired. it happened. yes, it's a big deal. but luckily, nobody cares as much as i do. so i took it with a shrug and went about my business... getting the counter back in shape. man. anita's gonna take the news harder than anyone.

there are a few stages right? first comes the anger. why is this happening? what's going on? this isn't right! then comes the sad, weepy, wallowing, and disgustingly rotting in bed stage. cry cry, weep weep. so sad and mourn mourn. then comes the superwoman "i need a rebound" stage. i'm a survivor. i can deal with this. i don't need him. i can find someone better. then comes more anger. this is a load of shit. it's his fault. and as for the next stage... i'm still waiting to get over stage 2-3, and from there, i'll let you know what happens after i get angry. but you've been reading long enough. you've seen my pattern. i'm a creature of habit. and i know you know that.

did i tell you he got me tickets for disneyland's 50th anniversary for my birthday? i wish i could still go with him. but i gave back the tickets. cuz i can't go unless it's with him. i told him to do something with the tickets, and suggested selling them or trying to get a refund. hopefully, he's not putting them to use. that would just break my heart even more.

the other night i had a dream. i'll divulge details in another form... but it gave me strength. and that dream is what i've been clinging to. and so far, all has pan out in that direction. but we'll see. all in good time, right?


October 7, 2005
at least i figured it out. figured out why i can't leave my house. or listen to the radio. or watch too much tv. or do anything, for that matter, outside of leaving my bed to get a bottle of water.

after 3 years, we did everything together. we went everywhere together. we experienced everything together. listened to everything. watched everything. talked about everything.

so anything i do reminds me of him.yesterday i went to bonita to pick up a gift for my aunt. and all i could think was that bonita was the last mall we went to together. we walked down those aisles to pay my bills and to laugh at everything.

i can barely listen to the radio because something happened while a song was playing. my ipod has been left on my desk to collect dust. because every song reminds me of him. the songs that i put on there for myself he made fun of me for. the songs that i frequently listen to remind me of road trips we took. the songs that never had much play all seem to remind me of how much i miss him and how broken my heart is.

this is really depressing. if you knew me, you would know that after my last 4 break ups, it took me all of 3 days to completely be over it and move on. yeah, and one break up was a four year relationship, at that.

but this one... i dont want to think of it as over. as OVER as it is. i can't stand the thought. so i lay in bed. and sleep for most of the day. trying not to think about it.

i really should stop watching tv. Aiden and Carrie broke up a couple of nights ago. Joey and Pacey broke up yesterday. Zack and Kelly are breaking up in the next episode. i know i shouldnt watch it.

the other night i had a very long talk with my older brother. about how his selfishness has caused pain to people. that i couldnt be his errand girl/chauffer anymore. so now i have nothing to wake up in the morning for. just to lay in bed waiting for the heat to be unbearable so that i can lull myself back to sleep. where i dont have to think. where it doesnt hurt as much.

i know it sounds crazy to be thinking about it this much. i know it's sad and depressing and completely unnecessary. especially for me. because this is unlike me. but if you've known me for the past three years and how happy i've been, then you would understand. if you knew us as a couple then you would get how when i lost him, i really did lose my other half.

what i need right now is to find out that he was cheating or to find out that he's found someone else. because that would snap me back into reality. what i need right now is a reason to not love him. because us not being together isnt reason enough.i need someone to slap me and tell me that he's not worth the tears.


October 6, 2005
welps, as of tuesday october 4, 2005, marbri came to an unfortunate end. yeah. you're telling me. you don't understand how hurt i am. and i really want to divulge all of the juicy, gorey details to you, but i ca't bring myself to do so.

it's been something that was on the rise for some time now. you can probably say that it's been months in the making. or maybe less. maybe more. who can really know, right? after all, we did plan a disneyland trip in the VERY EAR future. even had tickets for them. planned the anniversary. planned the 25th birthdays. planned for the rest of our lives. and silly of me to think that it would actually happen.

and there lies my fault. i should know better. i've been in enough relationships to know that nothing lasts forever. and even when it seems good... it really isnt. not in most cases anyway.

so yes, i do mourn this relationship. and its really sad that i took a week of off work. because this entire week has been spent in my room. wallowing in my own self pity and endless hours of forensic science and the new detectives. i was supposed to enjoy this week off. i was supposed to get my resume finished. and my teeth cleaned. and my eyes checked. and my skin checked. i was supposed to do a lot of things. and all of my appointments have been cancelled. because i'm just this sad lump of shit laying on my bed. uncomfortably at that, because my parents decided to toss my old mattress.

i havent called anyone yet. believe me, i want to. i want nothing else than to call my sisters and cry on their shoulders, eat some really good ice cream and let it all out. but i haven't. why? because i'm a bad sister. the sad thing is that they've been through the entire relationship with me. and have always been suportive no matter what. and here i am pushing away the possibility of them being there for me. i dont get it either. i have this vast support network. and i'm not putting it to good use.

maybe it's because i'm too stubborn to admit that it's really over. somehow i'm holding onto the ideal that when this week is over, i'm going to receive flowers at work and him asking for me back. that we've made a huge mistake and that this is something that we can get over. we've been through worse. we've gotten over shit like this before.

the difference is, that this time.. too much was built up and the shit just hit the fan all in one, monstrous blow. someone had to stop the charade. or at least it needed to be addressed. how sad how it ended up.

did i get to the worst part yet? the worst part... is that it hurts SO MUCH. i thought that it was the right thing to do. and here i am, regretting all of it. and i know myself. after this wallowing is over, i will start to resent him for hurting me. resent turns to hate. and that pretty much erases any hope of any kind of future.

yeah. this sucks. feel free to call me and laugh. i could use it. i need to snap out of it. because i've already started to alienate people because of it.

dude, erik. when you get here, we're gonna have to do a lot of drinking. you being homeless and me being relationship-less.


October 3, 2005
my birthday present to myself was the WEEEEEEZER concert. that was the best show EVER! probably because it's been a 12 year anticipation. they played songs that i can remember from when i was in sixth grade. i can die happy now. =) j/k. but that was an AWESOME BLOSSOM show. and the highlight? when rivers cuomo stood less than 30 feet away from me and did an acoustic solo of island in the sun. *faints* i LOVED IT. long beach, here comes the groupie!

so what else happened.... welps, i spent the entirety of my 24th birthday alone in my room. no distractions. no responsibilities. NOTHING. i vegged out all day and took phone calls from adoring fans. and it felt WONDERFUL. this was the first birthday i've ever had that i didnt have school or work obligations (and in the case of most previous birthdays, BOTH). tonight i celebrate.

last night i put my second honorary lil sis to bed drunk. she's finally turned 21. oh the good times. i love drunk sisters. it's HEEEELARIOUS. so 2 more lil ones to take care of and i'm DONE!

oh. yeah. and if you're wondering who my other lil sises are, its because sometime between being inactive and being alumni, 3 girls adopted my as a big sis. all three were abandoned by their originals, so they've somehow clung on to me. oh well. i'm happy to have them. but i only have one super cool official lil sis. and she's a little crazy.

oh yeah. and i'm a GRAN BIG SIS!!! hooray! i'm excited. i'm excited. and i'm OLD!!!!