October 31, 2006
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! I hope you're all having a fantabulous holiday. hope you partied your slutty little booties off! i know i sure did.

and i'm literally counting down the hours. I miss him SO SO SO SO much, it's ridiculous. It's because he's so far, but so close. which is what's aggravating. oh well. in a couple of months, things will be remedied. so i sit and twiddle my thumbs. ARGH.

so this holiday, i've been a nun, a barista, a nerd, and a host of other things in myfunky dreams. yargh.

the satellite just started to play "Home" doo dee doo. i love this song. but it makes my heart so sad to be so far away from the one i love.

yeah yeah yeah. it's only been six months. but you'd be suprised at what we've already been through at this point in the relationship. hell and back isn't necessarily accurate, but we've definitely been through some tougher times. makes you stronger as a couple, right? to know what kind of stuff you can go through together.

like i said... you would definitely be suprised. what i've been through with him in the past six months is what took years with others.


October 29, 2006
4 days left and counting! I leave buttcrack early in the morning on friday for arizona. =) suprise, suprise! my parents actually know my destination this time around. lucky for me, i didn't get much resistance. let's hope that that's still the case when i announce the big move.

why does it still feel like i'm completely isolated? A missed party invite here and there. lack of calls. argh. it's a bit frustrating and a bit comforting a the same time. one because i feel left out. and these are "the goodies." another because at least i know life will always go on, and no hard feelings taken. but i guess we'll see as things progress. i think i'm just giving myself way too much credit when none is deserved.

the other day my brother told me i was afraid of success. and it hit me hard. because you know what? i am. deathly afraid. that's why i've always been so content with being up to par. whatever. it's what makes me happy. and it's my comfort zone. so i'm fine with it. success is in the eye of the beholder, eh? and to me... the comfort and well being and happiness of my family is success.

as for now... my thoughts have been clouded by a certain family member's actions as of late. or actually... it was just brought to my attention recently. and it breaks my heart that she can do what she is doing... and also to bring the people into it that love her the most.... it's just really disheartening. and i don't really know what to do. i know where my loyalties lie, but i also know my principles. and both are playing a game of tug of war. either way... many hearts have already been broken. i just hope she sees what's going on before it gets any worse than it already is.

i hope i never become that. and i know i never will. but my ego kills me sometimes. at least i know that i've held my ground in the past couple of months. i've certainly had plenty of opportunities to stray, but i haven't. and i know i wont. because i love him. and i know he feels the same.

did you really think i wasn't serious about the engagement? but that's something else to announce at a later date. no official ring just yet. but it's certainly in the works.


October 28, 2006
all in all... a good halloween. I wish i would be able to go out tonight ofr the MAIN MAIN EVENT... but unfortunately not. boo work. but at least i'm makin money instead of spending it. Last night... club hopping downtown has never been as stressful. when you're trying to keep track of FOUR different groups... you're just asking for trouble. starbucks girls, sorority girls (2 different carloads = two different mentalities), and birthday people. everyone wanted their own ways... and in the end... i had to go with the people that brought me there. sorry folks... but i'm not getting stranded in downtown. and honestly... all the greedy was gettin on my nerves. wish i coulda stayed to get my groove on with a couple of people tho. OH WELL.

but at least i got to see the people i love to be with. and i connected with the new pledges. and re-connected with sisters. and got to see another side of the people i work with. so fun fun fun!

my training class was brutal tho. no sleep + alcohol + having to squeeze out of a way-too-tight-slutty-dress = a not very awake mar during a class. and p.s. i was a naughty nun. i'm going to hell for that.


October 24, 2006
all i know is... if he screws up, i BETTER GET FLOWERS. lucky for me... he hasn't screwed up in a while.

but i do miss getting the "just because" bouquet.

the thing about him is... that he doesn't think like that. at least not in terms of flowers. i do get candy pretty often. but my sweet tooth isn't quite as needy as he thinks it is. it's cute. he TRIES. but doesn't get it very often. but BOY does he ever try.

which is good. at least he's putting in some effort. not like some guys. and he doesn't expect the world from me. but he thinks i deserve it.

there's a lot that i can complain about. but there's so much more than i would never change.

i'm happy. and that's what matters, right?


October 21, 2006
Going out with Sarah last night brought me full circle with the things and people of the last 4 years. how could acquaintances, friends, and romances of the past few years and different groups and places and points in my life all congregate in one SMALL place? and for them to all know each other... geez that was just freaky. but good to know that everyone moves on. we all have or lives to lead... and that encounter made me realize that we'll end up together somehow. no matter where we are in life. HOORAY! cuz you know how i am with my people.

i had a breakdown. i miss pane. and it HURTS. as strong as I am. and as much as i don't NEED him around... it still SUCKS. i don't thin i was this bad when genaro left for boot camp. ARGH. what happened to me? when did i become so WEAK?!?!?! oh well. whatevs. i guess i'll jsut take it as it is then. and if this doesn't work out... then whatever. OH FUCKING WELL. just good to know that he loves me as much as he does. yes, folks... HE LOVES ME. and if you've ever had the pleasure of talking to him about our relationship, you'd be able to see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. it's a bit hard to disguise these days. hardy har.

at least i know that he does. and that's what matters. cuz seriously... i wouldn't put effort into it if i knew he wasn't in for the long haul. time's a tickin!!

and lunch with brian's dad the other day made me realize that as good as things are... they'll always remain at a standstill. and that's not what i'm looking for. that's not what i'm willing to settle for. and i hope that somehow he understands that. ((or maybe i'm just giving myself too much credit. we're great as friends. and it should stay that way))

tragedy, tho... isn't it? the way life throws you curveballs. and as i type away, the tigers are down by 3 in the 6th inning. YARGH. stupid cardinals.


October 15, 2006
The Holiday Inn is working out quite well. It was a rocky start, but conditions have definitely gotten much better. Could be because I've been doing a lot of unnecessary favors for management (aka kissing ass)... so I pretty much get away with murder here. for example::: I'm currently at the front desk typing away this post as we speak. I'm watching transients walk by and they have no clue what i'm doing. hardy har!!!!

and if you're wondering about what happened on my birthday (if you cared enough to remember that it was on the first of this month)... i got exactly what i wanted... to go to Arizona to watch the Padres clench the division series!!! and we all know what happened post-season... but let's not get into that right now. I also got to see my soon-to-be new home (aka Dysart Rd. apt 172) and got to spend some MUCH NEEDED quality time with the man to be. and UBER GUD berfday, if i have to say so myself.

p.s. i gotta give muchos gracias to my buddy Megs for originally proposing to drive out. We were joking around on Thursday morning about how we should drive out to AZ for the Padres, and one thing led to another, and 24 hours later, we were in a rental car on the 8 highway heading to Phoenix!!! and less than 36 hours later, we were on our way back to San Diego becuase we both had to be at WORK!!! hardy har! that was some good shnitters. would i do it again? maybe not in a heartbeat... but it was pretty awesome. it set me back $350... but it was WELL WORTHIT.

ANYHOO.... took a mini road trip up to Long Beach w/ brian. ((I got to drive the truck, yay!)) and as much shit that has been running through my head about him.... that day was just different. Something in my head just CLICKED that day. something that i really wasn't expecting. something that I could have guessed would have gone the complete opposite direction. and you know what? it gave me the confidence that I really needed in making a few key decisions in my direction.

I couldn't get him out of my head. Maybe because i just miss him. maybe it was because he hasn't held me in so long. maybe because the routine was thrown all outta whack. but something clicked. and i finally realized that i wasn't just leading him on. i'm actually going to be with him. because that was the first time i've been with someone whose company i enjoy immensely.... and to have not been able to focus because all of my thoughts were consumed by him. which makes it final, folks.... I'M MOVING TO ARIZONA. no more indecisions on this part. no more doubts. i'm no longer teetering. safely landed on one side. finalized my decisions. and DUNZO!!!!

oh yeah. and i've given myself permission to drink for the month of october. since it's a special month and all.

and can someone tell me why China won't stop calling? dunno. he keeps insisting that he "needs" to see me. whatever that means. in any case, if the padres would have beat the cardinals, he wanted to take me to the mets vs. padres. DARN. no really.. i'm really bummed about that. who would pass up a post-season game with EVERYTHING paid for with a hot guy? tell yah who... NOT ME!!! hardy har, stupid mar. but that opportunity never came. so no use dwelling. it just woulda been nice, is all.

had a very nice lunch with erica last week. it was good to catch up. she brings me back to the people who really care about me no matter what kind of shit i put myself through and how flaky i can be. gotta love that girl despite her temper. it's just really sad to hear about the other people that we used to be tight with and see what kind of direction some of the other girls have gone. so sad... so sad...

in any case.... things are good. sorry for the lack of updates. myspace has more updates. blah blah blah. mar is a whore.