Dimitri thought back to earlier that day. It was horrible. Tasha, his fifteen-year-old daughter came home from the movies and in tears because her archrival Kitty called her a “dirty Jew”. But she wasn’t a Jew. Tasha just had dark hair and dark eyes, just like him. Why couldn’t that Kitty understand that?

Dimitri turned over in the bed. Anya was the one who calmed Tasha down. Dimitri was so riled up to help. He didn’t know what to do. Dimitri wasn’t anti- Semitic and he wasn’t a Nazi sympathizer. He was upset that the Jewish people were treated so wrong and that they thought his daughter, his own flesh and blood, was one of them.

Dimitri wished that never happened. He should have done something. A lot of people mistook Tasha and him as Jews.

For some unknown reason Dimitri wished he wasn’t born…

Dimitri woke up on a park bench in very cold weather. He opened his eyes and looked around. Where was he? This wasn’t Paris, but this place looked familiar.

“You’re in St. Petersburg, Dimitri.” Dimitri turned to his right to see someone sitting next to him. The man was muscular and tall with dark hair and eyes to match. There was something familiar about him too.

“Excuse me?” Dimitri was puzzled.

“You were wondering where you were and I told you. You are in St. Petersburg, Russia. Your ‘home’.” The man explained. The man was drawing something that looked like a cat. “So what do you think of this picture, it’s of my…”

Dimitri interrupted, “How did you know what I was thinking? Who are you? And why am I here?” Dimitri got up and paced in front of the man. “Where is my wife and children? How’d I get here? And how do you know me?”

The man sighed and looked up, “I have to know what you think. It’s my duty. I can’t tell you who I am but I can tell you what. I am your guarding angel, believe it or not. You don’t have a wife or children. You were never born. I brought you here to show you the lives of the people with out you in it. And I knew you when you were little.” The man raised his eyes brows “I believe I answered all of your questions. Do you have any more?”

Dimitri gasped “You’re crazy! Now I want to see my family.”

“I’ve already told you, you weren’t born. Your wife Anya and Vlad and Sophie are alive, but they aren’t together.” The man tried to explain, but he knew Dimitri was just too stubborn to listen.

“How was I not born?” Dimitri demanded. Let’s see if this “guarding angel” had an answer to this question.

“Don’t you remember? Two minutes ago you were upset and thought it was better if you weren’t born. Now who do you want to see first?”

This was too weird. Guarding Angels, wishes, dreams, lives. What’s up with that? There is no way that this guy was his “Guarding Angel.” Dimitri believed in angels of course, but this was something that would happen in a movie. Not in real life.

Dimitri thought for a minute. “Are my parents still alive?” Dimitri knew very well that they weren’t, but he hoped he was wrong.

“No I am sorry, there not. Your father died when you were three and you mother died when you were nine.” Dimitri thought the man was about to sprout tears, but wasn’t sure.

“Then take me to see Anya, please.” Dimitri waited to see what happened. He didn’t really believe that this guy who claimed to be his “guarding angel” could do anything. This was just a dream and nothing more.

“Your wish is my command.” The man smiled and snapped his fingers.

A cloud of dust swept around them and disappeared. But they reappeared in a poverty stricken house. It was small with only one room in it. Two children were there and a woman and a man were there too. When the dust settled Dimitri soon realized that the woman was Anya.

He ran up to her and tried to touch her arm but his hand went right through her. Dimtiri wondered what happened. This wasn’t making any sense. Anya looked so much older and she was unhappy. Dark circles had formed under her eyes and she was wearing what looked like rags. She was too good for this.

“Hurry up on dinner, I can’t wait all day!” the man at the table yelled. Anya didn’t reply she just did as she was told. She was usually feisty; this was so unlike her! Anya walked over to the table and gave them their food.

“I don’t like this, it’s gross.” The little girl whined. The little girl was a nasty looking child. With a large dog nose and buggy cat eyes.

“I don’t like it either,” the little boy whimpered. He was just as worse. With fish lips and big elephant ears.

“It’s not so bad. It’s good for you,” Anya said cheerfully.

“If they don’t want it, they don’t have to have it.” The man at the table ordered. Dimitri looked at the “guarding angel” and the angel looked at the floor. Dimitri knew he understood what he was feeling.

Why did his hand go through her and who didn’t she know that he was here? He wasn’t dead. And what right did this man have to order Anya around like that?

The “guarding angel” looked guilty himself. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought Dimitri here. , “Dimitri I’ve told you, you weren’t born. That means Anya can’t hear, see, or know that you are here.” The angel pointed to the other man who was sitting at the table arrogantly. “You see that man there? You know him. Who is he?”

Dimitri squinted and then gritted his teeth “That’s Igor. Why is he here with my wife?”

The angel shook his head slightly “Igor met Anya in the fish factory that she was working in a few years ago. He promised her home, love, and family, but instead he gave her the two kids from hhe…-well from you know where- and a pig sty to live in.”

Dimitri looked like he wanted to scream. His face was red and his fists were clinched. “I want him away from my wife.”

“Well, I guess you are starting to learn you lesson, now aren’t you?” The angel said talking to him like he was a child.

Dimitri whirled around “How dare you! How can I learn a lesson knowing that my wife is living with him?”

The angel looked at him straight in the eye “You have learned a little of your lesson. You now know what it is like with out yourself in Anya’s life. If it weren’t for you conning her, she would have finally returned to the fish factory and married Igor. Now you have no wife and no children and no family.”

The angel sat down in an empty seat and Dimitri stood beside him. This “guarding angel”, there was something about him. In a way Dimitri knew who this “guarding angel” was but he just couldn’t but his finger on it.

“Are you mad at me?” Dimitri asked suddenly.

“No of course not.” He replied taking out his drawing pad and pencil and changed the subject, “If I draw this scene, what should I call it?”

“Don’t lie. You aren’t good at it.” Dimitri pouted childishly. The angel looked up suddenly from his masterpiece.

“Don’t pout, you aren’t a child. And yes if you must know I am mad.” He went back to drawing.

“What for?”

“You practically wished yourself dead because something didn’t go right. That’s not good, Dimitri. You have everything you ever wanted. Home, Love, and FAMILY. Do you know what I’d give to be back with my family, or have my family alive and me not? I would do anything to see my wife and child alive, even without me. To see them happy, makes me happy.” The angel confided seriously.

Dimitri thought for a moment, could this angel be right? It isn’t possible, was it? He had never thought he’d have everything. He wasn’t rich and he was living in an era where the Jewish people were killed.

“Dimitri, remember you are rich even if you don’t have money. I know that for a fact. And just so you know, my people were killed long before Hitler.” The man read his thoughts again.

“But you don’t know what it’s like to see a loved one come home in tears because she was made fun of. I sat there helpless, not doing anything, because I had no idea what to say. I feel like such scum for not doing anything.” Dimitri looked around. If he just didn’t make that wish then everything would have been normal.

The angel stood up and hugged Dimitri and pulled away then said, “I know exactly how you feel. I wanted the best for my children too. But you have to remember if you wished that you were never born, then your children wouldn’t have been born either.”

Dimitri didn’t say anything. He wanted to leave. He wanted to get out of this “pig sty”, as the angel put it. He wanted to find Vlad.

“Yes, Dimitiri, Vlad is alive and we can see him.” The man smiled mysteriously.

Dimitri’s mouth dropped “How do you do that?”

He shrugged “Oh I have my ways.” Dimitri nodded and they left the little shack. Dimitri looked back and said “I love you Anya.”

Dimitri didn’t miss this place one bit. He was glad he left Russia and went to Paris. It’s just too bad that he didn’t get his family out of Russia before Hitler and all.

“So why are you helping me?” Dimitri asked hoping to get a straight answer, not a vague one.

“Because I want to.” The man said, “Listen Dimitri, I can’t tell you who I am or much about me. I don’t want to tell you all of your secrets.”

Dimitri’s forehead creased “I don’t understand.”

The angel laughed “Well, you aren’t supposed to.”

Dimitri asked another question. “Then can you tell me some about your family?”

“I think I can manage that. I had a mother, a brother, a wife, and two kids. And we lived here in Russia. But not all together in one house” The angel smirked arrogantly.

Dimitri frowned; he didn’t like being teased. Especially from this man. He got on his nerves more than anyone he knew. Well, except on that long trip from Russia to Paris with Anya and Vlad and Pooka. He forgot how much they fought and teased and got on each other’s nerves.

“I know you don’t like being teased, but I can tell you I love to tease people.” This angel was trying to give Dimitri all the hints he could think of. But Dimitri still wasn’t catching on.

“You know everything about me. Every thought and feeling and dream and everything that has ever happened to me. The least you could do is tell me about you.”

“Well, I guess I could tell you a little about me. I like to travel, tease, and have fun. And I used to draw a lot.” Then the man sighed “Too bad I can’t tell you more. I wish I could, but I promised not to tell you everything.”

“What do you draw now?” Dimitri wondered. This man or angel or whatever he was perked his interest.

“Nothing.” Was the man’s dry answer “I have no heart to draw.”

Dimitri rolled his eyes “Oh c’mon! You have to want to draw something.”

“No I can’t. Last time I drew something, my family and I had a bad experience.” Dimitri knew he didn’t want to talk about this, but he should. Hiding your problems doesn’t solve anything.

“Is that how you died?” Dimitri asked without thinking. After he asked he wished he didn’t. He was expecting the angel to be mad.

The man looked at him and asked, “Do you remember me at all? Are you remembering what happened?”

“No I don’t know you and I don’t know what you are talking about.” Dimitri told him bluntly.

“Then never mind. Until you do remember I can’t tell you any more things about me or my family.” The man started off in the direction to Vlad’s apartment and Dimitri soon followed.

Now he knew what Vlad had to go through raising this stubborn child of his. The angel sighed, if only he could remember him. Well, maybe Dimitri just wasn’t ready yet. Though he wished he were.

Soon enough there they were in Vlad’s apartment. Nothing was the same. Vlad looked sick, unhappy, upset, and drunk. Vlad would never drink this way. He wasn’t like this. It made Dimitri want to get sick; the angel thought the same too.

Seeing Vlad like this made Dimitri wish that he was born, but nothing happened. He still was standing in front Vlad. Dimitri wanted to run away, but it felt like his feet were cemented to the floor.

Vlad took out a pen and paper from the desk next to him. He began writing something. After he was done he read it aloud.

“Dear Sophie,

I am sorry I haven’t wrote to you in a long time. I think about you a lot. And Sophie I will be there soon. Don’t marry anyone because I am still alive. If you don’t marry anyone I won’t marry anyone.

Say hello to your cousin Marie. See you soon.

Love,
Vladimir”

Then Vlad said aloud, “My goodness I’d do anything to see my family again. I miss them so. I wish I wasn’t alone.”

“Why is he like this?” Dimitri wondered looking at the older man.

“ ‘Mitri, Vlad loved you very much. When he found you in that palace in 1916, it made him feel like he found a member of the family. He never saw Sophie again. It’s sad really. It was because of you he got to see his one true love again.”

“Because of me?” Dimitri repeated.

The angel nodded “Yes, because of you. You wanted to con the Dowager Empress and he wanted to go with you. Which meant he would get to see Sophie again and you would have what you always truly wanted, true love. But since you weren’t ever born he basically gave up and since he liked vodka he began to drink it more and more, not caring what it had done to him.”

Then the angel sat down on the window seat and tried to draw a cat again, “It hurts me to see him like this. I remember him so young and happy. I don’t think he cared much for me, but liked him. He was a very caring person.”

Dimitri sat down next to him and looked at the cat in the angel’s picture, “That looks really good.”

Then he scribbled it all up “No it’s not. I’m not a perfectionist, but I know when my work looks stupid.”

Dimitri knew what to say to help him “Listen, I don’t draw and I know nothing about it. But I do write and I know that writing comes from the heart. Maybe drawing is like that too. Your cat is cute, but you must draw something that means something to you.”

The older man was listening, but he didn’t want to. So he pretended not to hear. “We have one more stop to make. Off to France we go.”

“Why France?”

“We have to see Sophie of course.” The older man went to the front door and was about to leave when Dimitri’s voice stopped him.

“What about Vlad? Will he live?”

Without turning around the reply was, “I won’t say.”

“How did you know Vlad?” Dimitri questioned as they walked down the hall.

“Can’t say. That will be giving you too much information about me and my family.” The older man smiled. “It’s nice to be back in Russia and it’s nice that no one notices me. I hated and loved this place at the same time.”

“How can you hate and love something the same time?” Dimitri asked. “And you’ve said that you had two children not one and when you were talking about the Jews you said ‘My people’. Does that mean you’re Jewish?”

“I can’t say, but you’re on the right track Sherlock.” The man teased again.

“Who’s Sherlock?”

“Oh never mind.”

Things were so confusing. Dimitri didn’t know if this was a dream or if it were real as this man said. And this man himself was familiar. He couldn’t place him, but he knew that they knew each other a long time ago.

Dimitri also hated that no one knew he was alive. He wished he could go home now and be with his family. This guy wasn’t very nice, not giving him what he wanted. He was an adult after all. He deserved to be treated like one.

Dimitri thought that it would take three months to go to Paris, like the last time he traveled. But it only seemed to him like seconds before he was in France. Dimitri was beginning to believe that this man was his guarding angel after all. But how could that be?

“It just is, Dimitri.” The angel read his thoughts again “I never planned it to be like this, but I have to show you what it is like without you in this world. I am to help you.”

“Would you please stop reading my thoughts? That’s really annoying.” Dimitri pleaded.

“No I can’t, but I won’t say anymore about what you think. If you want to talk about something that you are thinking about you may bring it up yourself.” The angel promised.

“Thank you,” Then Dimitri’s eyes widened “There it is! Sophie’s townhouse!” Dimitri ran up to the house, but the only people he saw where two parents and two children. Neither of the four was Sophie.

“Where is she?”

The angel hated to see Dimitri disappointed, but this was for his own good. “She doesn’t live here anymore. She has a broken heart. Sophie is in a hospital.”

So the two traveled over to the hospital to see a woman who looked nothing like what they wanted to see. She looked old and depressed. She was not the Sophie the two were hoping to see.

Finally the angel found his voice, “She gave up when she was informed Vlad had died. I am confused who told her that. But Sophie is not the same person she was when I last saw her.”

The suddenly Sophie’s face brightened up, “Mikky is that you?”

The nurse in the room said calmly, “Ma’am there is no one else in this room but you and I.”

Sophie shook her head stubbornly “Yes, there is. Mikky is standing at the foot of my bed and his friend is there too. I know they are. Go ahead Mikky say something.”

“You said no one can see us. And I didn’t know your name was Mikky.” Dimitri whispered.

“I was very wrong then. I suppose she’s the only one who can see us. And she isn’t doing well.” The angel whispered back. He didn’t want Sophie to hear what they said.

“I want to go back home.” Dimitri demanded. “I don’t want to be here.”

“All right, go stand out in the hall. And I’ll be there in a minute.” Dimitri left and Mikhail sat next to Sophie and held her hand.

“Sophie, everything is all right, I am here now. Vlad, he is still alive. He is living in Russia and wants to come home to you. You need to get better so you can write to him. He loves you very much.” Mikhail smiled warmly.

“I will. And Mikhail, was that your son?”

“Yes. Now get better and I’ll see you later.” Mikhail got up and was about to leave.

“Mikhail, say hello to Lara for me. And take of her too and your sons.”

“You know I will.” Mikhail exited and walked back out of the hospital. Dimitiri didn’t know what to do now. Everything was so confusing.

Was he supposed to go back home, or was it supposed to be like this, all eternity? He wanted to be alive. Being like this wasn’t him. Dimitri never knew what he had, until he lost it all. If he didn’t go home, were would he go? His little adventure was over and life had to go on.

“What do I do now?” Dimitri asked with a worried look on his face.

The angel’s face was completely puzzled, “What do you mean? You go home of course. Where you planning to do something else?”

“No, but I thought you said I couldn’t go home.” Dimitri was truly confused. This wasn’t making any sense.

“Yes, while you were on the journey of finding out what you meant to this world, you couldn’t go home. But now that your journey’s over you may go. If that is what you want. But first you must tell me what you learned from all of this.” The man was probably glad to send Dimitri back to his home, but his face said other wise.

“Well, I learned that even though I was a servant long ago, I do mean something to several people in my life. I am worthy of a lot of things. And I also learned that home is where the heart is and that’s where I belong.” Dimitri answered wisely.

The man did smile though his eyes did look happier, “Dimitri you have become such a great person. You have made this world a better place. Just think if it weren’t for you, Anya would have no life; Vlad would be a drinker; and Sophie would be depressed; your children would have never been born; and your parents would have been lost if it weren’t for you.”

Dimitri thought for a moment, “I know I know you because I remember a little of you. I know that I have missed you for a long time and I wish I could remember who you were. When I was little I knew you were always near. I just want you to do one more thing for me.”

“What is that?”

“I want you to draw me something that would mean the world to me. And to you.” Dimitri suggested. “I will. And I’ll do something else for you. I’ll tell your parents that you said ‘hello’, but only if you remember this dream. I don’t want this to be a lesson unlearned.”

“I’ll remember. Now what do I have to do to get home?”

The angel sighed and almost laughed, “It’s stupid really. But your click your heals together three times and say ‘There’s no place like home’.”

Dimitri rolled his brown eyes “That’s not funny. I read the review on ‘ The Wizard of Oz’ and I don’t have to say that.”

“Of course not. But you do have to close your eyes and wish to be born again. And you better remember what you learned. I can’t keep coming back and showing you what you mean to this world.”

Dimitri nodded and closed his eyes and wished to be born again…

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