~Since all the rest of my website is evil, I thought I'd put in something that'll make people either laugh or "think." By the way, none of these were written by me, they were just submitted by people. If you have some deep thoughts, funnies, and more, people submit them to cindy_mv@yahoo.com. Thanx~

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get mad, they'll be a mile away ... and barefoot.

Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like bananas.

I'm going to live forever or die trying.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

One bright morning in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman who heard the noise, came and shot those two dead boys. If you don't believe my lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw too.

Today we watched a video in History. These peasants revolted, yelling, "The King is dead! Long live the King!"

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

~When people get on, ask for their tickets.
~When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
~Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
~Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and while staring at an imaginary person say, "Hey, how's your day been?"
~When the doors close, menacingly announce that, "It's going to be a bumpy ride."
~Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing.
~Take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
~When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again.
~Use your nose to push the elevator buttons.
~Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
~If your riding alone, give a blood curdling scream all the way up (or down) until the car stops. When the doors open and new people get in, act as if you heard nothing.
~Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
~Flip open your wallet and say, "Beam me up Scottie."
~Pass gas in a crowded elevator and act like it was another rider.
~Obviously drop a pen. When someone reaches to help pick it up, shout "That's mine!"
~Ride naked.

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Bumper sticker: If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backward?

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Why do television stations report power outages?

Why is a package sent by a land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by a ship is called cargo?

Why aren't there any mouse-flavored cat foods?

Why do we call them apartments when they are attached to one another?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why isn't "phonetics" spelled the way it sounds?

The boss called an employee into his office. "Bob," he said,"you have been with the company for a year. You started in the mail room. One week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice president. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want to make you the new president and CEO of the corporation. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks," the boss replied,"Is that all you can say?" "I guess not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the bell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else. <

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie.

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Money can't buy everything...that's what credit cards are for.

Good generally conquers evil...unless, of course, good is stupid.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

THE FEMINIST
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat." And she pushes him back onto the seat. A minute later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, I was supposed to get off two stops ago. Please let me get up.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it." - Clarence Darrow

Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded. - George Orwell

What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

"We'll look into it": By the time the wheels make a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it, too.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. - Anatole France

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. - Andrew Young