Ruminations

(Selected from the Ruminations mailing list at http://www.topfive.com)

 Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
   -- Jody Nathan

 Don't you hate when you travel, and you'll be standing in the middle of your hotel room naked, and
 the housekeeper comes walking in...finally?
   -- Tom Shaltry

 A few years back, I saw a young child stuck in a tree. Nowadays, when I find myself in a troubling
 situation, I look back and wonder if that kid saw me take that chocolate bar from his backpack on
 the ground.
   -- Tom Wigington

 If a tree falls in a forest, and there's nobody around, can I have it?
   -- Bill Muse

 I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I looked around and thought, "Hey, this
 isn't even my bed!" And that made me happy, 'cause it's been a while.
   -- Elka Olsen

 Every so often, I'll fill my pants with sand, then add a colony of ants, so that I can see what it would
 be like to live in an ant farm. So far it just tickles a little bit.
   -- Brian Gibbemeyer

 One of my favorite things to do at Thanksgiving is go door-to-door and collecting canned goods for
 the needy. Then I go home and make myself one huge casserole.
   -- Brad Milyo

 Chiseling through a wall of stone isn't my idea of fun. But chiseling through a wall of cheese -- now
 there's a party.
   -- Brian Auten

 If I had a hammer... I'd sell it and get some power tools. 'Cause, really, what can you do with a
 hammer?
   -- Mariano Arguedas

 I sit here, by my computer, all lonely. It's time like this that I wish my joystick would live up to its
 name.
   -- Smiling Sam

 Sometimes I think I couldn't run for political office because I'm too honest and straightforward.
 Then I remember that I have a gift for self-delusion that could take me right to the top.
   -- Brandon Eldridge

 My friends accused me of being a hypochondriac, which made me think: What if I am a
 hypochondriac, in addition to all these other ailments I have?
   -- Jenny Wong

 As a young magician, I always dreamed of sawing a woman in thirds, but I never wanted to carry
 the remainder.
   -- Jim Lockwood

 Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of
 his life.
   -- John A. Hrastar

 One day, in the not too distant future, maybe soap and germs will be friends.
   -- Derek Littlefield

 Whenever I reflect upon the events of the summer of 1776, I feel thankful that I wasn't one of the
 Founding Fathers. Because I'd be dead now.
   -- David Gunter

 The reason I'm so indecisive is... Okay, well, there are a couple of reasons.
   -- Beth Flanders

 I watched the entire 15 minutes of the weather last night and I wondered: Does anyone really
 gives a rat's ass about the barometric pressure?
   -- David Cox

 Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch/bastard for the rest of your life.
   -- D.C. Moore

 If the idle mind is the devil's workshop, then I must be the devil's Home Depot right about now.
   -- Scott E. Frank

 I hate the saying "nice guys finish last." Every nice guy I've dated finished first and didn't last.
   -- Kate Hoffman

 Whoever said "my kingdom for a nail" probably had a pretty crappy kingdom anyway.
   -- Marshall Gatten

 Good thing I wasn't born in Germany, because I don't speak a word of German.
   -- Ben Casey

 I like to think about all my failures and stare into the black abyss that is my future and laugh,
 because I wasn't really trying that hard to begin with.
   -- Matt Duncan

 My girlfriend and I watched the latest Doomsday movie this weekend. She cried like there was no
 tomorrow.
   -- Paul Hughes

 He who lives by the sword, should go out and get himself a really nice sword.
   -- Lev L. Spiro

 My Uncle Larry has a saying, "Never play proctologist with an unwilling goose." Okay, so Uncle
 Larry drinks a bit.
   -- Yobaval

 I think in the song "The 12 Days of Christmas", instead of "5 Golden Rings" it should be "5 Onion
 Rings", and not just because I'm hungry.
   -- David Greenfield

 Despite all those e-mail messages, I don't know a single person who dressed up like a monkey for
 John Glenn.
   -- Ken Prentice

 What peeves me is that those characters from the "Love Is..." comic strip can run around naked,
 but when I try it, I get sent home early from work.
   -- Doug Rendall

 Despite what the laws of physics dictate, you can go faster than the car in front of you. The
 problem is that you can only do it once.
   -- Debbie Ryan

 Today at the dentist's, I heard a tremendous high-pitched whine and thought he'd hauled out the
 drill from hell, but it was just Celine Dion on the radio.
   -- Christopher Arko

 I've looked at love from both sides now -- but I still like it on top best.
   -- Jim Rosenberg

 Where there's smoke there's fire, but where there's a vague fishy odor, it could be any number of
 things.
   -- J.P. Styskal

 I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement park ride, it would be really successful.
 It scares ME half the time and I know what's in it.
   -- R.M. Weiner

 I don't know about you, but I can't think of even one way to skin a cat.
   -- Tom Sims

 Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach hundreds of men to steal fish and give you
 a percentage... WHOA! You could pretty much retire!
   -- Claire Voltaire

 Take it from me, just because Albertson's says, "It's your store," doesn't mean you can go in and
 collect "your" money without being arrested.
   -- Scott E. Frank

 Too bad they didn't have aluminum siding around the time those 3 little pigs were building their
 houses. They could have beaten the wolf over the head with it.
   -- Paul Paternoster

 Hey, if you're gonna go, go all out -- have Hugh Hefner pick your interns.
   -- Mariano Arguedas

 And I wonder... still I wonder... who'll stop Lorraine?
   -- Patrice

 I was just thinking about the carefree summer days of my youth I used to spend running through
 the fields and meadows, dancing with butterflies and singing with the birds. Man, those days
 sucked.
   -- Chris Malysiak

 I think the reason American cars aren't as good as Japanese cars is due to the difference in
 dinosaurs. Any clunker with a motor can outrun Barney, but it takes a real speedster to escape
 Godzilla.
   -- Davejames

 As I watched the beautiful sunset, the meaning of life suddenly dawned on me. Of course, I
 promptly forgot because the circumstances were so ironic.
   -- Jim Morse

 School must have been really tough in the days of ancient Rome; back then, a score of 100 on a
 test was only worth a C.
   -- Guy Velgos

 If instead of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, we had the Chief Joints of Staff, I bet there'd be a lot less
 concern about wars and stuff.
   -- Andreme

 If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the head. Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but
 you'd be amazed at how many people don't think of it when it's relevant. Just punch them in the
 head. And then go get some ice cream.
   -- R.M. Weiner

 It's really NOT a small world. Actually, it's a pretty big world, so don't let that song fool you.
   -- Andrew Friedman

 I hope in the afterlife I can find some sensible shoes, 'cause really, who wants to spend eternity
 with aching feet?
   -- Bill Hewins

 Sometimes as I lie in the grassy fields next to my house and look at the starry nighttime sky, I can't
 help but think, "I sure am glad giant ants ain't eating my head."
   -- Chris Kolakowski

 I thank my parents all the time for naming me Al, but even more so when me and the boys have a
 "Pee your name in the snow" contest.
   -- Jennifer Piatak

 Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask, "What can I do for my country that wouldn't,
 y'know, involve doing anything really yucky like sleeping in a barracks or living under mosquito
 netting in some, like, Third World place?"
   -- Lev L. Spiro

 I told my wife to do her MBA case study on "Old MacDonald" because that guy needed to narrow
 his focus. He had entirely too much shit for one farm.
   -- Jim Rosenberg

 If you ever get your tongue stuck to a flagpole, the best way to handle the situation is to take off all
 your clothes. Then people will say, "Hey, look at the naked guy!" instead of, "Hey, look at the idiot
 with his tongue stuck to a pole!"
   -- Craig Stacey

 X-mas ... X-files ... Coincidence or brilliant marketing ploy?
   -- Zachary Good

 Sometimes, as I'm walking between lanes on the freeway, I think, "You know, life just seems like a
 lot of yelling and honking, doesn't it?"
   -- Morgan McNulty

 Sarah didn't believe that I loved her, so I shot the President just like that Hinkley fellow did. Now we
 have to buy a new TV.
   -- Brad Johnson

 Seeing the wonder of the universe is as simple as looking through the eyes of a child. But catching
 a child and removing their eyes -- now that's the hard part.
   -- Charles Gulledge

 Sometimes I think if I had a 100 lb. cube of SPAM that I'd get laid more often, then I think, "No,
 that's why I got the Pinto."
   -- Chris McGee

 I stayed home alone on Thanksgiving and made a turkey sandwich. I thought the irony would be
 delicious, but it was just so-so.
   -- Adam Altman

 Between the time saved always using the car pool lane and the hassle saved never cleaning bird
 crap off of your car, it's a wonder more people don't drive with scarecrows in the passenger seat.
   -- Davejames

 While filling up at Exxon yesterday, I sang "Eye of the Tiger" simultaneously, y'know, to see if I
 could get some free gas.
   -- Jeff Grant

 Well, I think I'll call it a day -- because after all, that's what it is.
   -- Tom Sims

 Sometimes when I witness a horrible car-pedestrian accident, I think that maybe I should take time
 from my busy day to stop and help the innocent victim. Usually, though, I panic and speed away to
 the nearest carwash to clean the blood from my bumper.
   -- Tom Caldwell

 If humans had cheek pouches like hamsters, I bet restaurants would have to change the policies
 on their "all you can eat" buffets.
   -- Gail Celio

 The other day, I noticed that my bar of soap was dirty. I thought, "Great. What the hell am I gonna
 use to clean this?"
   -- Dan Machleid

 I've seen the commercials telling me how to save money when I call collect, and I always pick the
 most expensive one. After all, I'm not the one paying.
   -- Phyllis Persun

 You know, if you really want to make your mark on the world, you don't need fancy clothes or a
 cool car. All you really need is a big fat Magic Marker. And if you get a permanent one, nobody can
 wash it off later.
   -- Mariano Arguedas

 Aunt Ethel once showed me the barn where Uncle Fred poured gasoline all over himself and
 threatened to light himself up if she didn't marry him. She says he's still just as romantic now as
 he was back then.
   -- Anna Chin-Williams

 Is it just me, or does Wilma Flinstone have the nicest little cartoon butt on her?
   -- Scott Ru$$ell

 If schools used to be so wonderful, how come every where you look, you see really stupid old
 people?
   -- Joe Sharkey

 Power corrupts, and Absolut vodka messes me up absolutely.
   -- Mike Hayward

 Sometimes, it's better to lie to children. For example, when a child asks if they were adopted, say
 "yes" and lovingly explain that you have to be extra special to be adopted. Under no circumstances
 use the word, "kidnapped."
   -- Dave James

 I think fences just separate us as humans. When you put up a fence, you are saying, "Hey, I don't
 need anyone else. I'm independent." So when someone drives through your fence, you shouldn't
 lose your head. Also, it was my brother-in-law's car anyway.
   -- Nick DeCamp

 The people on the bus smelled just like a hamburger with extra onion. That's when I started to get
 a little hungry.
   -- Derek Littlefield

 If auto-eroticism is legal, then why is statuatory rape a crime? What makes sex with a car more
 morally acceptable than sex with a statue?
   -- Chris Akre

 If ignorance is bliss then I must be the happiest thingamajigee in the whatchamacallit!
   -- R.M. Weiner

 When I see the word "manslaughter", I like to think: "man's laughter", and then I don't feel so bad.
 Unfortunately, Grandpa was charged with aggravated homicide.
   -- Bob Van Voris

 If the "Star Wars" movies are so great, why couldn't they get them right the first time?
   -- Meghan Skinner

 Some people think that John Tesh sucks. Well, these are the same idiots who don't appreciate the
 genius of Yanni.
   -- Tom Sims

 It would have been so much cooler if, instead of saying "I cannot tell a lie," George Washington
 had said, "I like big butts and I cannot lie."
   -- Andrew Friedman

 Christmas is the time of year to love your fellow man or woman. Just make sure you have
 permission, 'cause some people are just not into the holiday like that.
   -- J. Bronstad

 When I'm an all-star athlete, I hope my nick name isn't "The Chicken" because chickens are just
 wimpy.
   -- Andrew Friedman

 If I plagiarize, it's only because I like someone else's idea better than mine and I want credit for it.
   -- Anna Chin-Williams

    Source: geocities.com/iamtesch