"Living with the Feelings"
Copyright (c) Dec. 2000 Debi Gentry
     It was like I woke up one day...and things were much different. I
had just went through a saddening divorce, trying to be a single
parent, and dealing with all the emotions that a "abandoned" wife
feels inside. My mom was just beginning to "act a little
different".......but up until this point mom and I had always been
able to talk. And she would always give me the love and support I
needed. But things seemed so different now. I knew one day,
maybe even sooner then I thought, I would need to care for my
aging parents.
     Feelings were rushing in from every side...tears were falling from
every emotion. I was so wrapped in "my world" and trying to
overcome the painful hurts that I had been given.
Being only 28, I felt so much sadness! I would ask, "why?"
"What is happening here?" I felt the feelings of, "I am to young
for this. What about my family?"
 "CALL TO ME, AND I WILL ANSWER YOU, AND SHOW
YOU GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS, WHICH YOU DO NOT
KNOW." JEREMIAH 33:3
     As time went on, I learned to be a single parent the best I knew
how. And I tried to deal with all the mixed-emotions that filled my
mind each day. Along with being a single parent, I had issues that
kept me in much thought. Things like, "I need more money for
bills, but I can't stand the thoughts of leaving my son with a baby
sitter." I know there are thousands that do it, and at another time, I
too may be a working mom....but we had just gone through a
tremendous turmoil in our lives. And when I would leave the
room, my son would cry out in much pain and sorrow...
"Mommy, mommy, please don't leave me like daddy did..." So I,
at that point tossed and turned with these feelings..... and I decided
to just sit it out with my son, until the doors were opened.
     Looking back now, I see that God had a plan for my life. I was not
a Christian. But I see now, that God loved me and was caring for
me and my son all along that bumpy pathway we were on.
"....YES I HAVE LOVED YOU WITH AN EVERLASTING
LOVE; THEREFORE WITH LOVINGKINDNESS I HAVE
DRAWN YOU." JEREMIAH 31:3
   Also at this point in my life, my mom was getting very forgetful,
and she started needing a little help at home. I started going up to
mom and dads and helping out. And as time went on over a
period of about 3 years, she got worse and worse. She now needed
some medical help with the bills. I talked to the SRS office and
they set me up an appointment.
    After I had visited with the SRS people, I came back home and
thought about all they said. "The only way we can help her right
now is if you sign up on a program that we call the "HCBS"
program. (Home Community Base Services)" For some reason,
(that I cannot remember now) they could not give mom a medical
card unless she was signed up on this service. So, I thought about
this for a few weeks. I fought with my self because I thought, "I
should take care of my parents without getting paid." and "No one
paid them to care for me." I really had a hard time with this one... And  mom was far enough along with Alzheimer's disease that she didn't want a "stranger" in her house doing anything! This too, created a few problems when we tried to get outside help.
    Instead of my life getting easier, it seemed to get only more
complicated for me. Now, there were many heart strings here, and
if I did this how would people see me? How would my mom and
dad see me?
    And I remember a lady at the SRS office talked to me one day. I
was telling her about how I was feeling. And she said, "Debi,
someone would be taking care of your mom if it weren't you. You
love her and will take better care of her then a stranger would. I
am sure." Then she smiled and said, "Debi, don't feel bad, this is a
program to help the elderly out. It is there to HELP them!"
    Well, I thought about it over and over....again for weeks. And as
time was going fast, my mom needed some medicine that mom
and dad didn't have money to cover. So, I decided that I would go
ahead and sign up so that she could get her medicine that she had
been needing.
     Within about 2 weeks I was getting a check and mom was getting
her medicine. When other people from my family found out I was
getting paid, it had its disadvantages. Things were said that threw
me back into the negative thoughts about working a "paying" job
for my parents. It was really hard to deal with other family
members that wasn't there to help, but were there to criticize my
decisions.
     As time went on, I believe that the Lord helped me deal with these
things. And between the hardships and the hurtful words others
gave to me or behind my back....the Lord got me through it and
use this to build the weak points in my life.
   To me, He opened the doors for me and my parents to get the help
we both needed. And where others looked down on me and what I
was doing, the Lord was there for me!
  ".....FOR THE LORD DOSE NOT SEE AS MAN SEES; FOR
MAN LOOKS AT THE OUTWARD APPEARANCE, BUT THE
LORD LOOKS AT THE HEART." 1 SAMUEL 16:7
When it was time that I needed to place dad in a Care Center, it was hard! I had been caring for him about 5 years now, pretty much about one year before mom went into the Care Center. (I had been caregiving for my mother about 7.5 years before I  started caregiving for dad too. And one year before placing mom in nursing home, dad had a 4-by-pass)  Emotions flew about that seemed to only confuse me. And questions like, "How can I feel bad about losing my job at this moment?" I love my dad and my heart was being torn and ripped apart with the thoughts of losing him to the Care Center.  And on top of that, I was feeling guilt for not wanting to lose my job.  How I struggled with these emotions deep inside....emotions that no one even tried to understand!
    I would ask myself, "Debi, you must always put dads well being above ALL else!"  I would pray that I would never ever lose site of my love for my parents and that I would always put their needs first! Now, I feel the time had come, that this plan must end.  For it was no longer safe for dad to stay alone any part of the 24-hour day.  And he needed the round the clock care that only the Nursing Home could produce for him.
    It was a big adjustment! Losing my dad and my job! And dealing with how others seen me.  It was like I could see the questions in their minds.....  "Is she sad because she put her dad in the Nursing Home or because she lost the money?"  Its true, no one is ever happy when they lose a job.....But for some reason, people link this type of loss to only the money!  Yes, like with anyone that loses their jobs, there is a loss.
      But the greatest loss was not the money...but the closeness and the love shared with my parents when they lived happily in their "home" as a family!  The family dinners, the talks around the table...the "love" that just penetrated the room when we were all together.  So much had been totally "ended" now.  But I hold close to the faith, that one day again we will be with our family as a "whole" family.  And we will never have to part again.
 "NOW FAITH IS THE SUBSTANCE OF THINGS HOPED FOR, THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN." HEBREWS 11:1
   But I feel that I have grown from this. And that I have had the
extra time with my parents, that I might not have had, had I have
gotten a job some where else. Plus, God is so good, He knows our hurts and our cares. He made away that I could be with my parents and help them and also be with my son too. During this time of hurt and heart ache, I have been very blessed. God used all these avenues to reach my heart.....to build and renew my old-heart. He has given me a New life in Him. And one I may have never found if He had not allowed all these things to take place. I love God! His plan is always the best plan!!

 "COMMENT YOUR WORKS TO THE LORD, AND YOUR
THOUGHTS WILL BE ESTABLISHED." PROVERBS 16:3

   In my state (KS) I believe that this program is coming to an end in
January 2001. (Only If you are a power of attorney for that
person) Contact your local SRS Office, they will have the
information you need.