| "Take Me Home" Copyright (c) 2001 Debi Gentry Sometimes it is really good when I visit my dad. Other times, its not so good. On the good days when I walk in, he has big smile on his face. And says, "well hi there". It is a nice feeling to see him seemingly "happy". But then there are other times! I walk through the doors and he says right away, " I want you to get my things, I have them all packed up. I want you to take them home. I am not going to be here much longer." A couple of times, he has even set dates of when he would be leaving and going home. I have never had these feelings before. The feelings of guilt, not knowing what to do, overwhelming tears. I have found myself trying to re-reason with myself. Trying to think of a way that some how, some way, I could bring dad home. Looking for every avenue there is that "might" work. But the search is so saddening! He cannot stay alone! And we have tried him here at our house before and he would not stay! We had to take him home in the middle of the night. There is no one who can live with him 24/7. I think to myself, "Oh Debi, there must be away?" But, as I think of every point, dissecting each thought, there just seemed to be no way! This is a very hurtful feeling! As I walk out of that nursing home, I feel really droopy, and unhappy. But I know I must pick my head up and hold my shoulders back. For what good am I to my parents if I droop around about something I cannot change? NONE! Soon as I got into my car, I prayed. "Oh Lord, this really hurts, and I do not do well with it either. Can, will you help me here?" As I left, on the way home I had a verse come to me "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 89 And I thought, but Lord....this hurts so bad. How can this be your way? Then I started remember back when dad was at home. Many times he would do things that was not safe for him. Like place his overalls on the heating stove.....burning pan’s up....leaving the doors open at night while he was sleeping......we were going to the ER many times a week....etc. And I was getting so tired. Never having much help. But I still wanted to care for my dad. Cuz I knew he was happier at home. But it got so "unsafe" for him. How could I leave him there at night alone? I had to do something. Some times we forget where God has brought us from. We get so wrapped up in the "now" and the "feelings" of now.... But we must remember....... "And we know that "all" things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28 And God will get us through ALL the hard places we must go in this life. We must learn to focus on Jesus, and not the problems of this life. Even though they are very, very painful. And we must remember that He loves our loved ones more then we do!! He will take care of them where ever they are! So when dad starts to cry out, he wants to go home.....I will pray in my mind, "Lord, help me here, this is very painful. I know he wants to go home, but that is not possible right now. Can you please help me to deal with this better and trust you more? Please Lord, give me the strength I need right now? And give dad the peace all around him.... that you are here with him, and its ok. Amen." In times like these, my journal is very helpful! I write as though I am writing to Jesus. When I feel I am facing this all alone, I stop and pray. And Jesus tells me in His word, I am not alone!!! "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you." Phil. 4: 7-9 Ask God to help you through all that comes to you. And KNOW, you are not alone!! And I pray that Jesus will remind me of the road I came from. And to remind me that it was some thing I had to do for dads safety. God bless each one of you out there caregiving for your friend or loved one. |
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