Tears of a Prayer
Copyright © Debi Gentry Jan. 2003
"You have seen me (John) tossing and turning through the night. You
have collected all my tears and preserved them in your bottle! You
have recorded every one in your book." Ps. 56:8 TLB
The rolling hills were all around us as my husband and I were
traveling the southwestern part of Kansas. The specks of snow as
they hit the windshield were calming to my mind. Somewhat relaxing
after a very distressing year, the sky so white and smooth, though in
more ways it was like a move screen, it was reflecting memories of
less then 2 weeks ago.
Sadness filled my heart. The tears rolled down my cheeks as we
traveled onward. Less than 1 year ago I was standing
at the side of my mother's deathbed. Now I was at the foot of my
dad's. Dad was doing pretty well up to about one week before going
into the hospital. The nursing home administrator thought it would be
good to have all his medicines checked out - to make sure there were
none that were counter-acting with any of the other. Prior to dad
going into the hospital, he was at time very edgy. He would hit others
and wouldn't sleep at night. It was really unlike him to not get along
with the others at the home.
After an assessment of his medicines the doctor called to say they had
taken him off some of the medicines because nothing seemed to help. He
had also fallen and broken his ankle. The next morning they called
again and said they thought he had had a stroke. His left side was
paralyzed. One nurse told me they thought that there had been small
strokes before this one. I contacted my brother and my niece, Ronda. I
went to see dad. This time in my life really felt overwhelming. Not
only so much of me was dying inside - I was separated from my husband.
Steve would go to visit dad very week. They were very close and Steve
loved my dad very much. I picked up Steve on the way to the hospital.
We had a counseling appointment in the same hospital. As soon as we
were done we went up to see dad. My niece, Ronda, and her kids were
there.
The memories of mom came rushing through my mind. Unable to hold back
the tears my body became so weak and my face so wet. To see dad laying
there eyes closed, sleeping but breathing so shallow - oh how this
hurt! A part of me was dying inside that I knew I would never see live
again. Just last night my brother and I agreed - no feeding tubes. As
we decided to do what dad had requested years before tears rushed down
my face once more. But it was not about "me" or my brother - it was
about dad and what God had in His plan now. God was able to make dad
better if He chose to but if not then we would trust God for God sees
the whole picture.
It is very hard to see our loved ones hurting or dying. We know we are
going to miss them so much. We also find it so hard to trust and let
go but we do not want them to remain in this condition. We are very
torn. It's so easy during these times in our lives to allow
selfishness to set it. We placed dad in God's loving arms. I prayed, "
Dear God, he is here sleeping so peacefully but struggling for his
next breath. We love this man you have created 89 years ago. He will
always live in our hearts. He always wanted to just go to sleep and
not wake up when it was his time to go. Please, Lord, I do not want to
be selfish. Please let him just go to sleep and let this all end. Let
him rest in you and wait for your 2nd coming. Thank you Jesus for
loving us all so much. Not my will but your will be done. Amen.
As I continued to rub his face and forehead I repeated the prayer for
God to let him go to sleep. It couldn't have been more than 4 minutes
before dad took his last breath. There was no struggle just a very
peaceful last breath. "Evening and morning
and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, they shall hear my voice." Ps.
55:17 Dad will never have to feel pain again. He is truly resting now
in Jesus. And yes, I do miss him so much. The love I have for him will
never die. It will always live on. There will be days when the
memories will flood into my mind - days that smiles will come upon my
face as I think of a special time spent with dad. Each day I will
hold Jesus' hand and ask him to walk with me and hold me up. Help me
to take the steps that seem so very hard without dad. One day soon
there will be a glorious reunion with my dad and mom. These tears of a
prayer give me more hope and trust. God does hear and answer prayers.
I love you Jesus. Please be with hurting hearts right now as they read
these words you helped me write. Let them know you are with them
through it all and you will never leave their side. "I heard your call
in the nick of time. The day you needed me, I was there to help." 2
Corinthians 6:2 THE MESSAGE |
