Copyright (c) June 2000 Debi Gentry
It was about 5 years ago when we had to place mom in a nursing home. I will never forget all the feelings that swarmed my mind and heart. To see the total confusion in her mind and the tears in her eyes----WOW, WHAT PAIN!
Many questions ran across my mind like, "Am I doing the right thing?" and "Is there any other way, then this?" The sorrow started creeping into my mind and heart. "How can I even start to deal with this much pain?"
But after a few hours, I knew I would have to walk away from that nursing home..........and go back home where my family was. Such a empty feeling there was within my heart. So very heart breaking!
Today I stand only holding the memories of being the one who had to play the "bad guy". Sometimes the thoughts swarm my mind as I move into the time where now my dad too, is getting worse. And once again, I am having to focus on placing him into a care home for his safety. And today I find once again, the tears that ran so freely down my cheeks 5 years ago.
The one thing that is different now, is, with all the sad times and tears with placing mom in the home....there was dad still at home. There was not a total "closure"......but now, it seems so final! I will not be going over to their home any more.....no more cooking, cleaning, bill paying, and just visiting....
So much has changed! It is like walking into a different life, after caring for my parents for years. I have many questions like, "What will I do now?" and "How will I feel without being a caregiver?" Is there a way to deal with all these "total closure" feelings now? Where do I find answers?
These are very major feelings for a caregiver....very heart breaking indeed.
And How do I continue my faith? Well, I know that I have a all powerful God! One that loves me and that cares about the things I feel and the hard times I go through! He has charge over the entire universe....and who cares when a little sparrow falls out of the nest. WOW, WHAT A GOD I SERVE!
As I was reading one morning, I ran across this promise. "THOU WILT KEEP DEBI IN PERFECT PEACE, WHOSE MIND IS STAYED ON THEE; BECAUSE DEBI TRUSTETH IN THEE." Isaiah 26:3
I really believe the promises of God are for us, each one. It is like God gave them to us "personally". So, I must trust Him..... I must believe what He says to me..... And He WILL help me through these rough times. He has promised!
"I WILL NOT LEAVE DEBI COMFORTLESS: I WILL COME TO DEBI." John 14:18 What a companion we have in Jesus!
I had a friend once who told me that worrying does work! She said, "Worrying does work, about 98 percent of the things I worry about, NEVER HAPPEN!
That is something for me to think about? If only I could learn to trust and hold close to Jesus....He would get me through these hard times....He has not brought me this far to let me down now........ HE HAS PROMISED TO HELP ME!
And as for the thoughts and feelings about placing my dad in the nursing home now.....I WILL trust Jesus to give me the strength I will need.
"FOR THIS IS GOD, DEBI'S GOD FOREVER AND EVER, HE WILL BE DEBI'S GUIDE EVEN TO DEATH." Ps. 48:14
In this life there is pain and sorrow. But if we trust Jesus there will be a better home one day. And there will be no more sorrow or pain. (Rev. 21:4)
If we don't hold onto this hope, then what do I have to hold onto?
"LET US HOLD FAST THE PROFESSION OF OUR FAITH WITHOUT WAVERING, FOR HE WHO PROMISED IS FAITHFUL." Hebrews 10:23
I know what ever this life can bring, I know that Jesus WILL see me through! So I hope that I will learn to trust more each and every day. And this is my prayer for all the caregivers out there. HOLD CLOSE TO JESUS!! And one day soon, these hurts and tears will be all gone. And we will never see all this pain and suffering again! HOLD CLOSE TO JESUS!!!
