Here are a few excerpts from her journal, most of which was written during a brief stay last year in jail.
July 22…
…I’m in the same cell I had in 1990 and my name is still everywhere I wrote it. I guess it’s true that when you write your name in a jail cell, you come back to see it. That’s f------ up eh? It’s almost lights out…
July 26…
…Last night I prayed for the first time. I don’t know what it was that made me do it but I did it. I found myself thinking and wondering if God was real and I was upset and feeling very alone. All of a sudden I think about God like he just pops in my head – just like that. So I pray and confess and ask for help. Last night was the best sleep I had for a long time…
July 27…
Traumatized (dedicated to Joe)
I miss the man who stabbed me
Violence was his prayer
When I said we were through
He grabbed me by the hair
I closed my eyes tight
Then got a smash to my face
I remember it all
The pain can’t be erased
He hit me harder and harder
Not bothering to hear me cry
Then he pulled out the screwdriver
And let the f----- fly
It hit me right in the head
And blood was everywhere
I heard him say he’s sorry
But I don’t f----- care
From now on I’m gonna be smart
Because I’m traumatized
But more than that he broke my heart
Starting with the lies.
August 3…
Hey Journal, it’s Friday. I hope I get a visit. Anyways, my blood is just rushing and my heart is pounding cuz June got me all pumped by talking about crack and money and the hood. Thinking about crack always just makes me think about Joe. F---, we were a good couple. Me and June are gonna tag team on the out. We’re both good thieves and if we put our heads together it’s gonna work. F---, I can’t wait to have a hoot. Anyway, I don’t wanna write about this, it gets me too over-excited.
August 7…
I got lots on my mind right now. First off, another girl tells me that Joe is f---ing and pimping and beating Sandy on a daily basis. Well I’m… I’m… I don’t know what I am right now. So many mixed emotions running through me. It’s like why did he tell me he loved me? Why did he fill my head with such garbage? Why did I let him? He used me and pimped me the same as he did to all those other girls. Oh my god. I let it happen again. I swore I wouldn’t.
Joe, I f------ hate you for hurting me and breaking what was left of my pathetic, busted, ripped up heart. F--- you. I hate myself for letting it happen. I hate myself for falling for you, you f----- pimp. I thought we really had something. I really did. I’m glad I never got pregnant. I’m glad I don’t have to be tied to you for life. You probably wouldn’t stick around anyway. F--- you.
You never deserved my honesty and love. You never deserved to touch me in any way.
I feel so dirty. I feel like I’ve been raped. I’m so used. Why do they use me and abuse me like that? I have a heart. A kind heart and feelings. I’m a good person. God, I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired…
I want to sleep and never wake up again…
October 21 (after release from jail)…
I’ve been changing my habits little by little. But I’m still a crack hoe. A year ago today I had a clean furnished apartment with food in the cupboards. I would watch TV and life was what I thought was normal. This last year has changed my life forever. I want to go put pajamas on and watch TV and go to sleep. But I need cash and that means I’ve got to go break – get beer and food and crack.
Back on the streets, life goes on. At least I hope her life goes on – and changes.
Judges, crowns and defense attorneys shuffle paper and play with words. Instead of using the law to send her for treatment or to a safer place, they gave her 20 days in jail and told themselves their job was done.
Horny “Johns” continue to tell themselves that they’re doing no harm.
Pimps like Joe strut our streets, and their eventual hell will be compounded by the temporal hell they have brought to others on our streets.
“Anne” – I hope you make it home okay!
Rev. Harry Lehotsky
514 Maryland Street
Winnipeg, Mb R3G 1M5
(204) 775-4929
lehotsky@escape.ca