FIVE

Well, Dear Diary, this time I knew I was dead. In fact, I had been dead all along and that whole 'reliving my life' thing had just been a crazy thought that was compressed into a few seconds. It was meant to show me what Heaven could be like, everything wonderful and perfect. Now, I was about to find out what Hell was. That's where I found myself.

I was standing in a very warm place, staring at the personification of evil. HIM! Only something was very wrong. Why were my sisters standing right next to me and why was Him prancing around his lair in that god-awful workout suit?

We'd been there, done that. Was it happening again? I felt that same churning in the pit of my stomach that I felt on my repeat of Christmas morning.

"Well, hello Girls! What a pleasant surprise!" Him said in that creepy voice of his. Just like the first time.

I answered him, weakly at first, but I had to get through this.

"Uh, I'll be with you in a sec. Girls, it's a false alarm. Buttercup, remember that time you fell in love with Ace and Grubber set us up by impersonating you? Get to the Mayor's office, the Gangreen Gang is using the hotline to make crank calls!"

Him stopped his prancing, and they all stood there staring at me.

"Fell in love?" Buttercup shouted. "You take that back!"

"Never mind that now, move!" I yelled. "I'll be along in a minute. Go!"

They finally left. I turned to Him. "All right, you bastard, I know what you're doing! Just let me die and leave me alone!"

"Why, Blossom, that's the nicest thing you've ever called me! But whatever are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about! I got killed fighting a monster and you made me relive my life to show me how perfect things could have been if I'd been different! Now you're doing it again! Stop torturing me!"

He sat down on his couch, looking confused.

"My dear girl, I think you've lost your mind! I suppose I should be happy about that, but don't you think that if you were really dead I'd be the last one to mess with it?"

"No!" I screamed. "You'd be so upset you weren't the one to destroy me, you'd get even with me after I was dead!"

"Hmmmm, good point." he said, stroking his chin. "That's a brilliantly diabolical scheme! Unfortunately, I don't quite have THAT kind of power. Now get out of here, will you? You've just ruined my whole day!"

"B-But-" I stammered. He seemed very depressed all of a sudden.

"Get out!" he screamed in his dark voice, pointing with a claw. "Go fight crime or bake cookies or whatever it is you little brats do!"

He disappeared toward the rear of his lair, calling out in his girlie voice for his rubber duck. I shook my head in disbelief, then went to find my sisters.

When I got to Mayor's office, they had the Gang collared. Buttercup was steamed.

"What took you so long?"

"I had to apologize to Him for busting in like that. Speaking of apologies...Girls, take these other clowns to jail. Ace, you're coming with me!"

He started to sweat. "Uh, gee, Blossom, 'dat ain't necessary! We're sorry, right guys?"

"Si! So sorry!"

"Duh, right, Ace!"

"S-s-s-s-s-s!"

"Phbbbbbbbtt!"

"Well, goody for you!" I said, sarcastically. "Your fearless leader can tell Fuzzy and Mojo that himself!"

The calendar on the wall of Mayor's office told me that it was March 18th, 1999.