Jokes...Mawhahahaha

The moral of the story.... In a classroom of third graders, theteacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will betelling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what amoral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand. Suzie: " I live on a farm and we havea chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12more chickens but only 6 of them hatched" 185 Teacher: "That's a good story, nowwhat is the moral?" Suzie: " Don't count your chickensbefore they are hatched" Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyoneelse?" Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carryingsome eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket oneday and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke" Teacher: "That's a nice story, whatis the moral?" Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs inone basket." Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyoneelse?" Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my AuntKaren is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, sheparachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, anda six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack.When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of themwith her knife." Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny,what is the moral to your story?" Little Johnny: "Don't f#@& with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"

Riddle duJour "Exercise your brain every day" Riddle :o)

IF YOU GOTTA GO, STARTEARLY Once you get those Texans started,there just doesn't seem any way to stop them. Lastmonth's "Campfire Stories" winner was from Texas and this monthI'm going to have to send another $25.00 prize to the LoneStar State.... The winning story from Mrs. CliftonHord of Baird, Texas is about a rather strange reply to arequest for a campground reser- vation. Mrs. Hordsays that it actually happened to one of her friends, butwe'll let you be the judge. Here's the tale, in the wordsof Mrs. Hord. "My friend is a ratherold-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially inher language. She and her husband were planning a week'svacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particu- larcampground and asked for a reservation. "She wanted to make sure thecampground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know howto ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bringherself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. Aftermuch deliberation, she finally came up with the oldfashioned term "bathroom commode", but when she wrote thatdown, she still thought she was being too forward. She thenstarted all over again, rewrote the entire letter andreferred to the bath- room commode merely as the B.C. "Does thecampground have its own B.C.?" is what she actuallywrote. "Well, the campground owner wasn'told-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he justcouldn't figure out what the woman was talking about.That B.C. business really stumped him. "After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but theycouldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So thecampground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that thelady must be asking about the location of the local BaptistChurch, sat down and wrote the following reply.... "Dear Madam, I regret very much thedelay in answering your letter, but I now take thepleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine milesNorth of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 peopleat one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if youare in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt youwill be pleased to know that a great number of people taketheir lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arriveearly and stay late. The last time my wife and I went,was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand upthe whole time we were there. It may interest you to knowthat right now there is a supper planned to raise money tobuy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement ofthe B.C. I would like to say it pains mevery much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surelyis no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seemsto be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down toour campground, perhaps I could go with you the first timeyou go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.Remember, this is a friendly community." SEE YOUTHERE!!!!!

Magic

A blond guy gets home early from workand hears strange noises coming from The bedroom. Herushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweatingand panting. "What's up?" he says. 2 "I'm having a heart attack," criesthe woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, butjust as he's dialing, his 4-year- old son comes up and says, "Daddy!Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got noclothes on!" The guy slams the phone down andstorms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, andrips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there ishis brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard, "says the husband, "mywife's having a heart attack and you're running aroundnaked scaring the kids!"

SPIRITUAL GROWTH Here

The Ultimate Revenge (Alittle long but Hilarious!!!) 300 For all of you who occasionallyhave a really bad day when you just need to take it out onsomeone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at mydesk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I foundthe number and dialed it.A man answered nicely saying,"Hello?" I politely said, "This is PatrickHanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed downon me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be thatrude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and calledher. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong numberstill lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once moreanswered, I yelled "You're 316 a jackass!" and hung up. 317 Next to his phone number I wrotethe word "jackass," and 318 put it in my desk drawer. Everycouple of weeks, when I was 319 paying bills, or had a really badday, I'd call him up. 320 He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You'rea jackass!" It 321 wouldalways cheer me 322 up. 323 Later in the year the phone companyintroduced caller ID. 324 This was a real disappointment forme, I would have to stop 325 calling the jackass.Then one day Ihad an idea. I dialed 326 his number, then heard his voice,"Hello." I made up a 327 name. "Hi. This is the sales officeof the 328 telephone company and I'm justcalling to see if you're 329 familiar with our caller ID program?" 330 He went, "No!" and slammed thephone down. I quickly 331 called him back and said, "That'sbecause you're a 332 jackass!" 333 The reason I took the time to tellyou this story, is to 334 show you how if there's ever anythingreally bothering you, 335 you can do something about it. Justdial 823-4863. 336 [Keep reading, it gets better.!] 337 The old lady at the mall really tookher time pulling out 338 of 339 the parking space. I didn't thinkshe was ever going to 340 leave. Finally, her car began to moveand she started to 341 very slowly back out of the slot. 342 I backed up a little more to giveher plenty of room to 343 pull out. Great, I thought, she'sfinally leaving. All of a 344 sudden this black Camaro come flyingup the parking aisle 345 in the wrong direction and pulls intoher space. 346 I started honking my horn andyelling, "You can't just do 347 that, Buddy. I was here first!" 348 The guy climbed out of his Camarocompletely ignoring me. 349 He walked toward the mall as if hedidn't even hear me. 350 I thought to myself, this guy's ajackass, there sure a 351 lotof jackasses in this world. Inoticed he had a "For 352 Sale" sign in the back window of hiscar. I wrote down the 353 number. Then I hunted for anotherplace to park. 354 A couple of days later, I'm at homesitting at my desk. I 355 had just gotten off the phone aftercalling 823-4863 and 356 yelling, "You're jackass!" (It'sreally easy to call him 357 now since I have his number on speeddial.) 358 I noticed the phone number of theguy with the black 359 Camaro lying on my desk and thoughtI'd better call this 360 guy, too.After a couple rings someoneanswered the phone 361 and said, 362 "Hello." I said, "Is this the manwith the black Camaro 363 for sale?" 364 "Yes, it is." 365 "Can you tell me where I can seeit?" 366 "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34thstreet. It's a yellow 367 house and the car's parked right outfront." 368 I said, "What's your name?" 369 "My name is Don Hansen." 370 "When's a good time to catch you,Don?" 371 "I'm home in the evenings." 372 "Listen Don, can I tell yousomething?" 373 "Yes," 374 "Don, you're a jackass!" And Islammed the phone down. 375 After I hung up I added Don Hansen'snumber to my 376 speeddialer. For a while thingsseemed to be going better 377 for me. 378 Now when I had a problem I had twojackasses to call. 379 Then, after several months of callingthe jackasses and 380 hanging up on them, it just wasn't asenjoyable as it used 381 to be. 382 I gave the problem some seriousthought and came up with a 383 solution: 384 First, I had my phone dial Jackass#1. A man answered 385 nicely saying, "Hello." 386 I yelled "You're a jackass!", but Ididn't hang up. 387 The jackass said, "Are you stillthere?" 388 I said, "Yeah." 389 He said, "Stop calling me." 390 I said, "No." 391 He said, "What's your name, Pal?" 392 I said, "Don Hansen." 393 He said "Where do you live?" 394 "1802 West 34th Street. It's ayellow house and my black 395 Camaro's parked out front." 396 "I'm coming over right now, Don.You'd better start saying 397 your prayers." 398 "Yeah, like I'm really scared,Jackass!" and I hung up. 399 Then I called Jackass #2. 400 He answered, "Hello." 401 I said, "Hello, Jackass!" 402 He said, "If I ever find out who youare..." 403 "You'll what?" 404 "I'll kick your butt." 405 "Well, here's your chance. I'mcoming over right now 406 Jackass!" And I 407 hung up. 408 Then I picked up the phone and calledthe police. I told 409 them I was at 1802 West 34th Streetand that I was going to 410 kill my gay lover as soon as he gothome. 411 Another quick call to Channel 13about the gang war going 412 on down W. 34th Street. 413 After that I climbed into my carand headed over to 34th 414 Street to watch the whole thing. 415 Glorious! 416 Watching two Jackasses kicking thecrap out of each other 417 in front of 6 squad cars and a policehelicopter was one of 418 the greatest experiences of my life! 419 Name withheld to protect the guilty. 420

421

425

426

427

422 424 Pick One:o)

456

457

458

428 ComputerSymbols 429 We all know those cute littlecomputer symbols called 430 "emoticons", where :) means a smileand :( is a frown. 431 Sometimes these are represented by:-) and :-( 432 respectively. 433 Well, how about some "ass cons"? Heregoes: 434 1 (_!_) a regularass 435 2 (__!__) a fat ass 436 3 (!) a tight ass 437 4 (_._) a flat ass 438 5 (_^^_) a bubbleass 439 6 (_*_) a sore ass 440 7 (_!__) a lop-sidedass 441 8 No , Sorry an ass that's been 442 around 443 9 No, not this one :o) an assthat's been 444 around even more 445 10 (_x_) kiss my ass 446 11 (_OFF_) get off myass 447 12 (_zzz_) a tired ass 448 13 (_o^^o_) a wise ass 449 14 (_E=mc2_) a smart ass 450 15 (_13_) an unlucky ass 451 16 (_$_) Money coming out ofhis 452 ass 453 454 17 (_?_) Dumb Ass 455

464

465

466

459 Escape from Spike and Drusilla'sCastle 460 462 Escape 463

501

504

505

467 Logic 468 Two rednecks decided thatthey weren't going anywhere in 469 life and thought they should go tocollege to get ahead. 470 The first goes in to see thecounselor, who tells him to 471 take Math, History, and Logic."What's Logic?" the first 472 redneck asks. 473 The professor answers by saying, "Letme give you an 474 example. Do you own a weedeater?" 475 "I sure do." 476 "Then I can assume, using logic, thatyou have a yard," 477 replied the professor. 478 "That's real good!" says theredneck. 479 The professor continues, "Logic willalso tell me that 480 since you have a yard, you also own ahouse." 481 Impressed, the redneck says,"Amazin!" 482 And since you own a house, logicdictates that you have a 483 wife." 484 "That's Betty Mae! This isincredible!" 485 The redneck is obviously catching on."Finally, since you 486 have a wife, logically I can assumethat you are 487 heterosexual," said the professor. 488 "You're absolutely right! Why that'sthe most 489 fascinatin'thing I ever heard! Icain't wait to take that 490 logic class!!" 491 The redneck, proud of the new worldopening up to him, 492 walks back into the hallway, wherehis friend is still 493 waiting. "So what classes are yatakin'?" asks the friend. 494 "Math, History, and Logic!" repliesthe firstredneck. 495 "What in tarnation is logic???" askedhis friend. 496 "Let me give you anexample. Do ya own a weedeater?" 497 asked the first redneck. 498 "No," his friend replied. 499 "Fag." 500

503

520

521

506 The Prize 507 A guy met a girl at a nightclub andshe invited him back to 508 her place for the night. 509 When they arrived at her house theywent right into her 510 bedroom and the guy saw that the roomwas filled with 511 stuffed animals. There were hundredsof them. Giant stuffed 512 animals on top of the wardrobe, largestuffed animals on 513 the bookshelf and on the window sill,and lots of smaller 514 stuffed animals on the bottom shelf. 515 Later after they had sex, he turnedto her and asked "So 516 ...how was I?" 517 "Well," she said, "You cantake anything from the bottom 518 shelf." 519

522 Web 523 TV games 524 :o) 525