On the edge-The Flying Gag-Igloo comes out on stage with arms out flying complete with noises, he then realizes that the audience is therem and says, "Your still here, I thought you went home". Damn you bob, they did not all go home!
-When Igloo first comes on the stage, he looks at the mike kinda funny, makes a face, and then wipes it under his armpit, then smiles with satisfaction.
-Oh, your with her now? She still do that thing she does, you know. So, whats
he got that I don't, besides a big beanpole.
-You still working at _______? (Local Strip Bar), Hows that going? Meeting
new people, thats great!
-A happy story....there is too much sad news in the world, I say to little Billy, Billy, there is so much bad news in the world. And Billy smiles and says, my Cat "bonkers" had kittens! That's great I say, How many did she have? He looks at at me and says, not really sure, they were all born dead!
-Teachers are so prententious..they are the kids who enjoyed school, and now want to make sure smart ass kids like us don't get a break. They love to talk with thier arcticulate voices and eyes slightly closed like they are the cats ass!
-Canada Customs-Did ya all have a nice visit?
-Image-Mother Theresa may have looked all goody goody, but underneath all the whote robes lurked a sex crazed bisexual s & M nimphomaniac who couldn't get enough....."ah thats it, nibble it, nibble you little shit!" Insurance agent loves to wear leather thongs.
Catch Phrases: Forgive me all to shiy and back okay!?
What you see if what you get!
Rude, Crude and True
Timing is everything!
That's great!
Just asking!
Happens to me all the time
Just what the world needs...another friggin' stand up comic
(Round my charaterature on a T-Shirt)
Serious about comedy
Good clean fun
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Switching Accents: Tell the same story with two point of views, an The Old Man Parry. (bend knees as you talk) "Kids these days are on Crack!, they owe us everything! We lived thru the depression, made 10 cents a day, and fought in a war! Kids these days sit around and smoke dope all day. Like last Thursday, I'm sitting in Victoria Park, on a bench, minding my own business, feeding the pigeons to the stray dogs, and out of no-where I see in my perificial vision, some young punk come running up to me. He scares the living crap out of me , and yells "Hey Stan, do you hafta take a whiz". Well first thing, I sure as shit ain't named Stan, and it's none of this punks business if have to take a whiz. Has he got a piss fetish! Then he says, "I'm Rude" I'll be fucked in France before I'm told I'm rude! Well, I still got my own teeth, and I don't take no shit from no body, so I made a stand. I stood up. ever so slowly, and then I grabbed my cane, and like a swashbuckler from the good old days I swung it at the little turd. Erol Flynn would have been proud. The little asshole got the hell out of there quick, yelling at me something like I was a "Studded Bass Stick". True Story, no word of a lie!
Parry, "You think that's whacked, old people are the ones who suck. Us younger generation are making things easier for them, and were the ones putting all the money into thier pensions. So like the other day I'm late for a meeting with my....accountant...and I'm like running thru the park over here, and I didn't know like how late I was, so I like see this old dood, on a bench, so I like run up to him..I'm all out of breath and I say, "Hey Man, Do you know what time it is?" He just looked at me like I'm stoned....and so I say, "Later Dood", and then he starts on me. Out of the blue. Before I can get into my Kung Fu Stance, he gets up and jumps on me and starts whacking me, whack! Whack! Whack! Well, I'm don't give up easy, and I got a the last word in, I said "Stupid Ass Prick".
Do you offend easily? No.....shit!
Still living at home? That's great. The good life eh, Your mom still cut the crusts off your sandwich bread for you?
Any questions from the audience? That's nice! Great question!
It never hurts to ask you know!
God Like-"Excuse me....yes....I see....no...give them another chance okay, I'm sure they are just overwhelmed with my greatness"
Are you satisfied with the show tonight? If not, here is a comment card you can fill out and leave at the front desk.
-Name-What your parents call you, not your lover
-Address-Please...more than just the cardboard box by the bridge
-Phone-The nearest payphone # to you will be fine
-Complaint-Please explain why you are such a fucking goof.
Why are you looking at me so queerly?
You smell great! Wow! I'm totally lost with smell power!
These are my thermo electromagnetic space boots, endorsed by the Federation of Former Space Monkey Trainers. I got the very last set, timing is everything! Pretty nifty eh? Anywho.
How about people who say, "having one of those days?", I say, "No buddy, I'm having one of those lives!"
How about when a clerk tells you that he just sold the last of the item that you want to buy. Or, even better, you save up for that special, you finally buy it, take it home, and your so proud you could save all that money up. The very next day you go by the store and see that the ITEM IS NOW HALF PRICE! Happens to me all the time!"
I really loath bumper stickers that say, "My child is an honour student", so fucking what? What does that mean? What is really means is that the kid has no social life and has all that extra time to brown nose. Kids hate the honour student. In high school she was the one all the boys wanted to nail so they could ruin her rep.
I was taking a poetry class, and this really anoying lady kept going on how the poems she wrote where transmitted thru her by God. We asked her to read a poem, so she did, and I had to say, "Wow", she beamed, and I continued, "I never realized what a shitty poet God was! He better stick to miracles!"
Death to clowns. Now that would be funny. String all the face painted fuzzy haired red nosed bastards up by thier floppy feet, see if they bleed face paint. Stick as plastic flower on a pipe cleaner up thier ass. Honk this asshole.
What really irratates you, I mean besides me? I hate it when your stuck in a traffic jam, and people who's time is so much more precious than ours leave the road and drive up along all the cars, and then they expect some smuck to let them back in traffic! What, what I hate worse, is the fucker who lets those slimly little fuckers back in. They irritate me!
How about irratating people? Thats fun too! How about people with cell phones in public places? I always like to walk up behind them, and cough really loud, or yell, "Ladies and Gentlemen pu your hands together for the very lovely and talented Niki"! It's fun and safe, as long as the person your making fun of is smaller than you!
You had a question? Your hand was up.
And on the topic of traffic, how about people who snooze thru the advance green? Wake the fuck up!
And those over cautious ass holes who slow down at green lights, in case it turns read or someone runs it? Might as well wear a helmet in case something falls from the sky.
Pretentous People-They claim to have birth memories
Gramma's-Have the rest of the meat loaf dear, because I'm just going to put it in the garbage if you don't.
-You know what I like about you....nothing!
-Can you do this for Gramma? No, what good are ya then!
Mothers-Were you ever embarrased to have your friends meet your mother?
Bad Bar Names-Bullies, Love Bug, Homeless, Fist n Face, Stickys, The Crabbery, Used Brew, Goldenflow, Crab Shack, The Backdoor, The Blue Oyster, Dykateria.
Characters-Metal Boy-Yeah! Rock and Roll! Whew!
-Parrie-Hair down over his face, shop glasses, cap on backwards
-Geek Boy (1983)
-Homo Boy-Serge (1984)
-Really Me
-Fritz Hansom (German Guy)
-Const Gerald Qualude-Black Dress Shirt, Mirror Glasses
-Horace Hatley (English Chap)
-Bat Boy (My lovely)
-Farmer Bill-Well god-damn, I drove all the god-damn way, from god-damn farm, maneovered the goddamn traffic, only to tell me that you ain't got the god-damn tarctor part that I need to have. Squeet-Spits chewing tobacco out.
-Jacques Mollack-French Canadian
-Voice Over Guy-like the voices in Chinese dubbed films
-Old Man Bob
*have shirts under shirts to help each character define thier role.
Const Qualude-I've been asked by the nice people here today to talk to you boys and girls about drugs, and drug paraphernalia. Is that funny, is paraphenalia a funny word? No, it's not pornographic. Nice kids, dirty minds. Paraphenalia is what the drug users use to consume the drugs. Things like rubber tubing, bongs, rolling papers, pipes, roach clips, mirrors, razor blades, 5 dollar bills, the list goes on. You might ask, why do I know all of this? It's my job. And I like it. But drugs aren't funny, they are all around. Your best friend, girl freind, parents, your dog could be a drug addict and you may not even know, that's how good they are. Do you know how to look for a drug user? There are tell tale signs: track marks=needles, , baggy eyes=grass, exessive nosebleeds=cocaine, and (cough) coughing = herion. What's in that drink, is is coke, or cocaine? Do you know the difference? Did your parents tell you kids all about drugs? Do you realize the seriousness of drugs? Some kids tell me, Constable Qualude, I take drugs because I'm depressed, lonely, sad, suicidal, alone, ......YOU DON'T NEED DRUGS! You need a song!
If your sad and blue, and don't know what to do
Lifes got your down, feeling kinda blue
Stay away from drugs, they're just for thugs
And not nice looking kids like you
Your real smart, and your real pretty (happy)
Drugs will just make, your whole life real shitty (crappy)
They might make you high, for a little while
But a little song, is sure to make you smile!
Well, I'm glad we had this little talk, I hoped it helped, I can't stress enough what a negative impact drugs will have on your life. Now run along, I've got to go and do a personal inventory of the evidence room! AND STAY OFF THE CRACK!
Fritz Hansum-I miss Germany because of the Volkwagon Museum and Saurkraut I like Kitchener though in October!
Say a girls name, like Danielle, and say it in a latin-american way, like a perfume,
Dan-Yell.......
Comedy Troupe-Go For Broke
How to offend everyone in 30 seconds or less:
1) Politics-All political Parties are liars, especially the ones you like!
2) Religion-God is a schitzophrenic, and each day, depending on her moods, she is the represenative of a different religion.
3) Sex-As often as and varied as I can!
Make fun of my hair right! It's not a mullett. Insult me itellegently, I'm a damn hippy!
Smoking-why does the gov't not only sell cigerettes and make a pile of money off them, but they also spend money to encourage you not to smoke. It's like setting up a casino in a small rural town.
Why do girls think that we would lie about our age? How would we pick the age to lie about?
Simple Task-Cafe Lait-Thanks buddy, can you grab me a cafe lait with a twist of lemon and get it stirred with a plastic stick not a wooden one they get caught in my teeth and make sure it's really foaming and get some sprinkles but more blue ones than red ones cause the red ones give me heartburn.
Love Farts-If you blow a chunk during time you are spending with a loved one, don't try to lie about it, say that your ass was trying to say, "I Love You"!
Food for Thought-Do Australian dogs bark with an accent?
-How does someone really know if something Tastes "like shit"?
-Wouldn't be easier to fix the bump in the road instead of
installing signs along the highway? Bump Ahead.
Jacques Mollack-1) How to wear a lumber jacket. Here are the many ways you can wear a lumber jacket, Practical-Normal wear, Refined-Over da shoulder, Fun-Around da waist, Coy-On half a shoulder (Help to get that Lumber Jill), Super Hero-Cape, To drunk to find a crapper-a diaper. 2) How to knit 3) How to cook
Love Farts-If you blow one on a big date, just tell your loved one that your ass (butt) said, "I love you too!"
-April 25th 2002-HATS
-Old Man's Blue Fishing Hat-The Old Man
-Drug Team Customs Ball Cap- Constable Gerald Qualude
-Neon Green Really Me Cap-Really Me!
-Track Pant Material Cap with a "C" on it-Backwards for Party Pal
-Old Mans Black Low Rider Cap-German (straight) or Brit (turned)
May 2002-Yellow Firestone Hat (Parrie)
-Shop Glasses and Old Mans Glasses-May 14th 2002