My First Kiss

Being the staunch Christian that I am, I have never done anything with a girl, and that includes kissing. I’d like for my first kiss to be one that God would approve of. At least, that’s what I thought, until one day when I was eight years old. My family and I were at Discovery Zone, where we went every Sunday after church, when all of that changed. You see, I was going down that roller-slide-thingy, you know that one that always pinches your back, when I saw the most beautiful maiden that my eyes had ever beheld. Her hair flowed like a waterfall of liquid gold with curly violet streamers dancing between the strands of hair to add in some extra flavoring. From her developed figure and the fact that she had braces I was able to confirm that she was at least 9 years old. I was just landing on the mat below the slide when she snuck off into a tunnel.

As quickly as I could, I picked my 3rd grade body up off of the ground and began my pursuit. Launching myself into the tunnel in which she had disappeared, I was soon on my way to what I was sure would be a most romantic and cherishable moment, longing for the feeling of her soft, beautiful, crimson lips against mine. I’m sure that the braces would add a little extra, too.

I traveled through the dark, dank tunnels. It was almost like some underground passage way to eternal happiness, except with wads of gum and diaper residue… Then I saw it, something that was simply astonishing. I was amazed at my discovery, so this is how they felt upon finding King Tutankhamen! Jammed into one of the convex windows was some child’s tooth, how it got there I’m still not sure. It took me some time to pry the object out of the window but I was eventually successful and able to examine my prize. The tooth was stained with blood but I was fascinated by the chip in it, this malformation gave it character. Speaking of character, it actually looked like one of the Muppets from the children’s show Fragel Rock.

While I was admiring my treasure I noticed flowing golden locks on the other side of the window. I had completely forgotten about her! My true prize was putting her shoes on; I knew that I had to make haste! Off I went, my limbs getting caught in the giant spider-web like ropes, balls being thrown at my face, and finally being shoved backwards down a slide. I looked around the room upon impact, she was already out the door. So, it seems, that my trials were all in vain. Or were they? It took me a while to understand but I now realize that this was all God’s way of protecting me. I once again understood God’s plan for me and I don’t plan on straying from the path of righteousness again.