I was so excited about seeing the movie "Seabiscuit". All the critics gave it tons of praise and rave reviews, and I couldn't agree more. What could be better that a movie where a jockey kills his horse and eats it after it loses a race? I was so sure that there would be horse-eating, or otherwise they wouldn't have called it "SeaBISCUIT"
When I entered the theater, I was as happy as a feminist at a Communist party rally. (NOTE: I am implying that that feminists are Communists, you stupid fucks.) I kept stuffing my face with popcorn while bobbing up and down in my seat. I could't wait for the movie to start, but I had to sit through the GODDAMNED PREVIEWS! The fucking previews took so long that I got so pissed, I laid an enourmous turd in the mouth of the old lady sitting next to me snoring with her mouth open. Then she died, so I ate her.
Finally, the movie started. YEAH! But 20 minutes into the movie, no horse killing. OK, maybe it will come later. 20 minutes later, STILL NO HORSE KILLING! Then the horse loses the race by inches. BY INCHES! Surely this is where the horse gets shot. The trainer gets mad at the jockey, and now I'm expecting the trainer to take it out on the horse. I was expecting a shotgun scene where you see that barn from the outside and the walls are shaking because the horse is bitching about some shit. Then the trainer walks in with a shotgun and you here a big-ass BANG!-- then silence. And then party music starts playing and everyone barbecues the horse. BUT NO. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. THEY FORGAVE THE FUCKING HORSE. THEY LET IT TRAIN AGAIN. THOSE DAMN BASTARDS AND THAT ONE BITCH (the rich guy's wife) SHOULD HAVE SENT A STRONG MESSASGE TO THE HORSE BY EATING IT!
Luckily, the jockey falls off and shatters his leg. Maybe they were gonna eat the jockey this time. Hell, he's already blind in one eye and his leg is fucked up. Since he was stupid enough to fall off the horse, he deserved to die. Who the hell falls off a horse? Only assholes like kids, geriatrics, and Christopher Reeve. (I'm not talking about rodeo people, because that takes real skill.)
The thing that pisses me off the most was the fact that Seabiscuit was critically acclaimed and expected to become a classic. WHAT FOR? All that touchy-feely-triumph-of-the-human-spirit BULLSHIT? HELL NO. I should have never seen this shitty movie. Real men don't watch this bullshit. Real men watch machine guns and boobs. I only saw this because I thought it would piss off animal rights activists. Instead it pissed ME off. Talking about this shitty movie is giving me extreme chest pains. I'm gonna go do something more useful like watch machine guns and boobs.