COAL MINERS KICK ASS

Coal workers are among the toughest and manliest men on the face of the earth. I once wanted to become a coal miner, but then I decided that being a CIA agent is a bit manlier than miners, but not by much. But that was a pretty tough decision. I mean how manly is it be able to jump into a hole as a clean shaven boy, take off your shirt, dig your ass off for hours in a cramped cave, suffer breathing problems from all the soot, and at the end of the day emerge as a badass and a man, with sweat and dirt all over your hairy, virile body, topped off with a kickass 5 o'clock shadow? (Apparently not as manly as killing Communists and porking hot babes as a CIA agent, but still pretty damn manly.) Every man should repect these fine workers that constitute the backbone of America and form the core of the anti-"queer eye" resistance. Only tough men can withstand the rigors of going into a hole that may very well lead to hell, armed only with a shovel or pick axe, and emerge out of the hole with 300 pounds of coal despite intense respiratory difficulties and the threat of hostile underground midgets from hell. These men make me proud, mining all day for coal, the all important resource whose primary purpose is to be burned just to piss off tree huggers who are so very stupid. Miners kick ass.

But I am appalled at how coal mine executives treat these great men. Often coal workers go on strike because of unfair wages, insurance policy, etc. So they normally form a union and negotiate with the bosses. This is the only time that coal miners are not manly. NEGOTIATING IS FOR PUSSIES. Whennever you negotiate, you eventually reach a compromise. REACHING A COMPROMISE IS FOR WHIMPS. In a compromise, you don't get your original demands. It gets watered down just because of a few lazy executives. That's why year after year, even after coal strikes, and even disasters like the Pennsylvania coal miners thing, miners still demand more because their bosses are too busy having sex with their interns, and forget to pay the miners. The men who work so damn hard mining coal and fighting midgets from hell (at the same time) everyday so that we have the pleasure of making the lives of environmentalists a living hell can't even get decent benifits. It's time for coal miners to take drastic action now.

Coal miners should riot against their bosses. This plan will work because it's foolproof. Yes, at first I thought it was too good to be true, because it was so simple, but after a thourough analysis, rioting is the perfect way for the miners to get some decent pay. They'll win automatically. I mean who would win in a fight: a few lazy and impotent bastards and their big master's degrees, or a FEW HUNDRED angry badass men armed with shovels and pick axes? C'mon people, this isn't even as hard as 1st grade kindergarten art class.

To show how perfect my plan is, let me show you a situation where the workers have already taken over the offices with their shovels and axes, and the leader of the miners is trying to stike a deal with the boss:

BOSS (terrified and pissing himself): What do you want from me?

MINER: *WHAM!* (hits boss on head with shovel) I'm glad you've met my friend MR. Shovel, but did I say you could speak, rich boy? Piss me off again and you'll be meeting Mr. Pick Axe, you fat lazy shit.

BOSS (horrifed and shitting himself): Sorry, Sorry, Please don't do that again! It Hurts! I'll give you what you want! What do you want!

MINER (totally pisssed): First off, go clean your ass, you smell like shit. Next, we want to be paid more with medical benifits and full hour luch breaks.

BOSS (shaking in fear of the awesome manlienss of the miner): WW..Well, th..that's gonn..na bb..be kind hard since we'll hav..ve t...to re..re..rework the schedu--

MINER (mega-ultra totally pissed): *SLICE!* (slices off boss's testicles with an axe) I said full hour lunch breaks you piece of shit!

BOSS (in excruciating pain and pleading for mercy): AAHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! You castrated me! OH good gracious! Oh My! OK, OK, you get full hour lunch. AAHH! AAAAHH! OWIE OUCHIE OUCH-OUCH! I'll give you $10 an hour. Does that sound good, eh?

MINER (Martha Stewart-getting-white-eggs-instead-of-the-brown-eggs-she-asked-for-pissed): *SLAM!* (lodges the pick axe in the boss's right thigh) WE WANT $15 DAMN IT!

BOSS (uncontrollably spraying diarrhea and pee out of extreme fear and terror): AAAHHH! I'm shitting the floor again! Help! You can have $15 an hour, just get me to the hospital!

MINER (very satisfied): I'm glad we saw it our way *BZZT!* (chops off boss's off arm with a chainsaw, laughs mischeiviously.) Bwahaha.

See, the plan is perfect. I can't believe this hasn't been done yet. Coal miners can get exactly what they want if only they exercized their fundamnetal right to be tough, manly badasses. And if anyone objects, they will introduce you to their good friends, Mr. Shovel and Mr. Pick Axe.


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