One day I fell asleep in front of the TV and then two little kids comes by and rings my doorbell a good 15 times. I woke up really pissed and so I answered the doorbell with a shotgun in my hand. The kids were asking me to buy Christmas cookies for their school. I said "HELL NO! I already pay my damn taxes that put your ass in a taxpayer paid desk on taxpayer paid carpet in a taxpayer paid classroom so you can study from taxpayer paid books and write on taxpayer paid payper with taxpayer paid pencils! Ok, maybe you buy your own pencils, but still. People pay their asses off every year to put you through school AND YOU WANT ME TO BUY SHITTY COOKIES TO HELP YOUR SCHOOL?" I was so mad I shot one of the kids' head off. The other one started crying and said "Just wait until Christmas comes. Santa will be giving you a lump of coal while I'm gonna get my Easy Bake Oven that I've always wanted." I said "Santa won't be giving you anything." and I shot the kid. I took the kids in and fed them to my snake.

Santa wouldn't be giving them anything because he isn't alive. Yes, Santa did exist. He did fly around and climb down through chimneys and give out toys and coal. All that stuff WAS true, but it isn's true anymore. I'll tell you why.

Last Christmas Eve, I was up watching Saving Private Ryan (the best movie ever) when I heard some thumping on my roof. I was like "I thought I told fatass claus to stay of my property!" I went to the garage and took out my harpoon gun (very fitting for Santa; he's as big as a whale!) So he came down the chimney and as soon as I saw his legs come down on the fireplace, I shoved the harpoon gun between his legs and fired. I took the body, threw it in the oven, and that was my Christmas dinner.

While I'm at it, I might as well talk about the tooth fairy. She's real, too, but she doesn't give money for teeth anymore. One day I lost a tooth an I put it under my pillow, and I pretended to be asleep. So then this hot babe walks into my room and reaches under my pillow. I immediately wake up and ask? "Are you the tooth fairy?" and she's said "Yes." I told her she was really hot, and then we porked all night long. Yes, that's right, I got it on with the tooth fairy. Since then, she's retired, and she spends all her time shagging me. And that's why today parents take on the role of the tooth fairy.

Send me hate mail at: