I’ve spent the better part of my life alone. The thought of being alone has never bothered me…until now. Now as I sit here by your bedside waiting, wondering if I am ever going to see your eyes open, or see that ridiculous excuse for a grin that you offer when you are caught somewhere between embarrassment and amusement, or hear you call me Chief again, the thought of being alone in this world again is painful beyond description.
I need you, and right now that really sucks. I need you and you may not be there. It pisses me off, Jim, even though I know this is not your fault. I am quite sure you didn’t leave the loft this morning with the intention of getting hit by a car. Yet here you are, surrounded by way more machines than I am comfortable with and you’re fighting for your life. I’m fighting for my sanity. Jim, man you are going to have to prove them wrong here. I don’t want to have to build a life without you in it. If you really have to go, than I’ll have to do it, but I really don’t want to go there, I do not want to walk that road my friend.
There is a solution here. You wake up, do your convalescing thing, get in good with the nurses and then in a couple of weeks they will send you home and all will be right with the world. I don’t ask for a lot do I?
They’re all here you know, all the guys and the parents of the boy you saved they were here too. Those balloons in the corner are from them, they’re pretty snazzy man, you really should see them. Simon has been here as long as I have and I’ve got to tell you man, he is looking pretty rough. The man gets really testy too when he hasn’t slept for two days…Rafe and Brown were lucky to escape with their lives when they told him the guy that hit you made bail. Though you probably didn’t really want to know that did you?
I’m rambling here. I know it but I am going to keep going until you tell me to shut up, so the longer you just lay there the more I am going to talk and I am warning you now, the more tired I get the more emotional my end of the conversation will be come and I know how uncomfortable you get about that stuff. I have to tell you Jim, I am scared here. I don’t know what I need to do to get you to come back. I don’t even know if you want to come back. I guess if you really have to go I’ll be with you. I mean it, I’ll be here until you get to where you’re going. I just really hope you don’t have to go.
You’re the best friend I have ever had, I guess I should feel lucky to have known you at all. I do but I am also a greedy son of a bitch and I really want to continue to have you as a living, breathing, walking and talking best friend. I’ve said this all before but maybe you need to hear it again. I love you, man. You’re my family, my home, my shelter and there is nothing I would not do for you. Including letting you go, but God Jim there is so much more for you to do here before that should happen.
You’re dad was here, Jim. Did you hear him? I did. God I hope you heard what he had to say, because I gotta say it sure as hell shocked the shit out of me…and Simon. Have you ever noticed the look in his eyes when he calls you Jimmy? He loves you man and he knows, he knows he screwed up and he knows it might be too late. Don’t let it be too late Jim, there is so much there to work with. The man really loves you and I believe in my heart he wants to make things right. Please Jim give him that chance.
They’re talking about throwing me out of here. I am not leaving you, I’ll handcuff my self to your bed if I have to, but I am not leaving you until you wake up. So wake up soon, cause I am sure they can find some bolt cutters and beyond that I am way too tired to put up much of a fight. The spirit is willing man, but the flesh, well a good breeze would topple me right now. Wild horses, I am in for the long haul but I might have to concede to the mandatory nap if you don’t open your eyes soon.
The sun is coming up. Jim you finally have a room with a view and you are totally missing it! It’s beautiful. Sometimes I wish I could see things with your eyes. Take a rainbow for instance, what I see are the primary colors and man it’s always breathtaking. You can see all the variations in shade, you see every part of it, I can’t imagine what that must be like. This is turning out to be a sunrise you really shouldn’t miss. There is fire in the sky Jim and it is calling your name my brother.
Well what do you know? I never knew you’d be a sucker for the sunrise. Welcome back, Jim.
A Voice in the Dark
Black. That’s all there is. Black. I can’t see, I can’t feel, I can’t do anything. I am alone, trapped in total isolation, frozen in the void and I am afraid. My mind knows I should at least be feeling pain, I remember getting hit by a car, regardless of the number of quality pain killers they are pumping into my I should still be feeling pain. I feel nothing. My God I am dying.
I am not ready for this. I don’t want to die. Three years ago I don’t know if it would have mattered, but it does now. I don’t want to leave the life I have just started to build. God I’m scared, I never realized how much they have come to mean to me, how much he has come to mean to me. I can’t bear the thought of him mourning for me, the thought of him feeling that kind of pain.
I’ve come to accept the fact that I need him, it’s much more than acceptance, its right and he give me a sense of wholeness I have not ever known. The thought that he needs me just as much frightens me, especially now when I may be leaving him. I wish you didn’t need me, then you wouldn’t hurt when I die.
Am I dead? Is that why I can’t move, or feel, or see? Have I died? Is this it? I need you to give me the answers, Chief. Right now I need to hear your voice more than anything. I’m afraid. I want to feel your hand holding mine and I am so angry that I can’t, because I know you’re with me. Isn’t that crazy, I can’t feel your touch or hear your voice but I have no doubt your with me. I know you wouldn’t be anyplace else, but you should be. You should be anywhere but by my side watching me die.
This is one of the times when I really should be crying, my soul is, but my body is still. God Blair I am so sorry, I never wanted to leave you. You’re the best friend I have ever had Buddy. More family than I have ever known. I feel safe when you’re there, I depend on you. I am not ready to go yet. Talk to me, Chief. It’s so dark.
Am I really hearing this? Am I really hearing you? Keep talking, God please don’t stop. Yes! I hear you. I hear you! Thank you for your voice. I need the sound of it. No you can’t handcuff yourself to my bed. Let me just listen for a while, then it’ll be okay. Keep talking to me, Chief cause it’s not so dark here anymore.
You’re right about the Rainbows, but you’ve always seen more magic in them than I have. My eyes have nothing on your soul, Chief. You see beauty in the most unexpected places and I find that awesome. I want to share this sunrise with you so maybe I can see what you see. I want to see the hope there, the beginning, not the end. I do. The explosion of color blesses my eyes, but it’s you I see. The bright rust crimson that frames your tired face cannot compare to seeing you, and feeling, My God feeling your hand wrapped around mine. You smile at me and the brilliance of the morning holds no candle to the light I see with in your eyes.
Your voice reaches my ears and I’d like to tell you it’s not the sunrise I am so enthralled with, but my voice has a little catching up to do. I return your smile and close my eyes again. Blanketed in the warmth of your voice as you tell me everything is okay. I know it is Chief. Thank you for leading me home.
The End.