Doors and Windows.
By Ihket
Everything changes.
No kidding. Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve spent a lifetime adapting to change, every year it was always something new. Stability and consistency were never a part of my vocabulary growing up. I don’t want to be misunderstood here, So let me say I wouldn’t change a thing about my childhood.
The things I missed as a child, I found as an adult. I found him, the embodiment of a dream I’ve had the better part of my life. I found a Sentinel, my anthropological Holy grail, I found the living myth. It’s almost comical that has become the secondary reason for our relationship, because he has become so much more than that to me. He’s become my friend and my brother. Someone I would give my life to protect.
I’m standing at a crossroads. One part of my life is over, freely given up but still a bleeding wound on my psyche. I am going to miss the world that has been mine for all of my adult life. Wounds heal, voids are filled and windows are opened long after doors are closed. The circumstances that led to my decision were far beyond my control and every agenda but my own was considered though I am the one who can claim the victory. I’m not blind, I see the pity they carry for me, they don’t really understand and I doubt I could explain it to them. Yes I gave up my career, my Doctorate hell maybe even the Nobel prize but I am living an experience unknown to modern man. I’m guiding a Sentinel, I’m guiding my friend and we’re protecting the tribe. I don’t regret the decision I made. The people that really count know the truth of it and I don’t really care what the rest of the world thinks about Blair Sandburg self proclaimed fraud. They don’t know me.
Jim understands finally. Last night I think I heard him string together more sentences than he had in the entire time we’ve known each other. I am not saying Jim is non-verbal, he talks, sometimes he’s almost wordy, but he’s pretty reserved when it comes to deep emotional issues. This whole situation definitely qualifies. He’s been pretty overwhelmed, understandably so and when the whole Sentinel thing broke he didn’t handle it gracefully but then again neither did I. that was nothing new for us, we’re guys for crying out loud, we do things the guy way. I know Jim, he knows me and we both needed to retreat to our separate corners for a minute. I just happened to come out of my corner first, granted it was to hold “the press conference heard round the world” and then we talked.
Would Jim have said what he said to me at the hospital if I hadn’t held the press conference? I know that he would have. I also know that he didn’t have to say it, I don’t doubt that he respects me, that he values me as a friend. If you’re standing on the outside looking in, that might be pretty hard to see. That’s why it’s a good thing that we’re not defined by how other people see us. They don’t know the number of times he’s stayed up half the night with me while I’m trying to work through an adrenaline rush or just sheer terror after something terrible has happened. They don't know the number of times I’ve returned the favor. I know, Jim knows and that’s all that really matters. So no he didn’t have to make his speech, but it was nice to hear anyway.
I’m going to be a cop. Five years ago that wasn’t even a blip on my radar, but it’s going to happen. I’m going to be a cop and despite my protestations I am also going to cut my hair. Honestly it doesn’t really bother me, it will be a relief actually. I’ve had girlfriends that spend less time on their hair than I do. Might be nice to be low maintenance for a change. In the grand scheme of things my hair is of no consequence. I’ll be doing what I was meant to do, what my life’s work has been all about and I am doing it of my own free will.
I’m not thrilled about carrying a gun but I’m processing and truthfully I can think of a half dozen instances in the last four years where my having and knowing how to use a gun would have come in handy. I’ll deal with the gun.
I know this won’t be easy, but lets face it, life’s not nor has it ever been a cakewalk. I’m basically trading one set of challenges for another. I can live with that. I want to live with that. I know they think my hand was forced, but I could have taken the money, the Nobel Prize, my Doctorate. I didn’t because that is not who I am. I had the opportunity to do some heavy soul searching and that’s when I realized that getting my Ph.D. wasn’t what was really important to me. I was holding on to it like a child holds on to a security blanket, it was familiar, safe I knew it like I knew my own face and I was secure there. I saw the truth of that and it made it easier to let go because I knew that no matter what my purpose in this life was bigger. I felt the impact of what Incacha passed to me, the way of the Shaman, the responsibility of my Sentinel, of my tribe my duty to protect them is more important than probably even I realize. So I closed the door to the halls Academia and I’ll be crawling out the window to the adventure that is the rest of my life.
The End.