First Light

By Ihket

Chapter One.

Detective James Ellison fixed his physical therapist with an icy glare, he’d already had more than his share of pain during the hour they’d been working and he was done. Everything ached at least everything he could feel, two weeks had passed since his shooting and he still had no feeling below his chest and there was nothing to indicate he ever would. He tried his very best to humor his doctor and his therapist as they preached the hope that he had all but given up. With each passing day a little more of his hope had failed him and he was beginning to believe he would be spending the rest of his life in a wheel chair. He despaired. It was wrong, he could not live like this, he could not stomach depending on another person for his most basic needs. He was the sentinel, it was his job to protect his job to provide, it was his job to secure the lives of those around him, not the other way around! He was angry, rage filled him and it was easy to surrender to it. So much easier than fighting it. He was tired of fighting, he was tired of pretending everything was going to be okay. Nothing was okay, nothing at all.

"Alright Detective I think that’s enough for today."

The perpetually calm voice of his therapist broke through his thoughts and he looked back at her searching for something to say that wouldn’t come across as petulant. "Okay." Was all he could come up with. For some reason he always felt like a jerk when he gave her a hard time, Blair had told him it was because she had red hair and green eyes and he was a sucker for red heads. Jim had pondered it for a while and decided it could very well be true. She was smiling at him now, searching him with her eyes and it made him distinctly uncomfortable.

"You seem to try harder when your angry Ellison." She said simply and stepped behind him as she took hold of his wheel chair to guide him back to his room.

He shook his head, he didn’t want to think about it, he knew it wasn’t hard to see when he was angry. He was just fed up with trying not to be angry so he let it happen and instead tried not to take it out on anyone. He was aware that wasn’t going well either.

They had just turned into the hall leading to his room when he was greeted with a familiar face, a face he was glad to see. Blair was waiting for them with a lopsided grin on his face.

"Hey Jim, Good morning Catherine." He looked carefully at his friend, noting the tension in his jaw. "I take it he’s been difficult today."

The therapist smiled. "No more than usual."

"I’d be less difficult if you people would talk to me instead of over me." Jim growled.

Nonplussed Blair met his friends glare head on. "So I take it you were difficult."

"No more than usual." He deadpanned taking a little pleasure in the soft chuckle coming from his therapist. They entered the room and Jim was settled into his bed once more.

"I’ll see you tomorrow Jim." Catherine smiled as she left.

"terrific." He grumbled. He turned his attention back to his partner who was frowning at him. "Don’t start Sandburg I’m not in the mood."

"I wasn’t going to start anything Jim." Blair said softly trying to hide the hurt he was feeling, seeing his friend shut everyone out. Being shut out himself. Some days were better than others and he knew this was shaping up to be one of the worst, he’d been watching Jim build a wall for several days now and no matter how hard he tried he was unable to get around it. His sentinel was as stubborn as they came and Blair was painfully aware his friend was retreating back into the safety of a self-imposed solitude. As much as he respected Jim’s wishes he was not going to let him bury himself away from those who could help him. Blair still held on to the hope that Jim would recover and he could have enough hope for both of them if need be. "I just wont let you quit."

There was a note of defiance in the younger man’s voice that angered Jim, he was not going to be told how to live his life. "My choice, Chief." The look that crossed his partner’s face tore at him, but he held his ground. He was no longer any use to the man before him and the sooner his friend figured that out the sooner he could get on with his own life. He would not force the younger man to spend his days and nights taking care of an invalid, Blair deserved to have a life and even if he didn’t know it he would be better off without him. So he began to push his guide away. "You should go."

The words hit Blair hard and he was furious. "Throwing me out again Ellison." He hissed. He knew it was completely unfair, but he was human, he was pissed and he was speaking to hurt. "Fine push me away, but I can only be pushed so far man."

"I don’t need you," he said flatly. Jim knew the words would hurt even with the lack of conviction behind them.

Blair rose from his chair and stalked to the door, turning back to his best friend he said, "Yes you do, you’re just too stubborn and stupid to realize it." He was shaking with anger and frustration. "I figured you for a lot of things Jim, and a coward was never one of them until now." He turned around and left his sentinel alone.

Chapter Two.

Blair drove through town blindly, with no destination in mind he just had to get out, away so no one would be caught at ground zero when he blew. He was close, every demon he had been repressing was dangerously near the surface. Anger was taking over and it was making him ill. He needed to be away, to distance himself from the pain and rage growing like weeds within him, so he drove but there was no escape. The pressure inside continued to build, the frustration and fear expanded, the loss and desperation lapped at the heels of his being his anger needed an outlet. He drove further away from the city, homes and buildings became more and more scarce until the highway was embraced on all sides by impossibly tall evergreens. Blair turned off the main road and traveled further into the forest. His hands ached from his death grip on the steering wheel and his vision became clouded with angry tears as he replayed the morning’s events in his head. ‘I don’t need you.’ Jim’s words echoed through his memory.

"Bullshit!" he screamed as he slammed on the breaks. He threw open the door and tore into the woods. As fast as he ran he could not leave his anger behind, no matter how many turns he made he could not loose it. Still he ran with speed born of desperation, he ran with all he had. The futility of his flight literally knocked him off his feet and he lay on the forest floor sobbing and cursing. "You need me you sonofabitch! You need me damnit!" He shouted as he stood turning his face to the sky. "You have no right!" he screamed. "You have no right to quit!" he paced furiously amongst the trees yelling at the sky until his voice was raw and beyond. " *I* need you!" the last came out as a hoarse sob as he sank to his knees. "Not your choice anymore, Jim. God! You may hate me for it, but I won’t let you give up!" he was no longer angry, his rage having been spent all that remained was weariness and a stubborn hope that refused to die.

Chapter Three.

Misery found its name in Jim Ellison. Never before had he felt so empty, so helpless and so desperately alone. He was a proud stubborn fool and he knew it. Still the knowledge did nothing for him, the damage had been done, he’d pushed away the one person who could help. He believed what he had done was right, certainly his guide, his friend deserved better than to be shouldered with a cripple. He knew his friend would never willingly turn away from him, after all the younger man had no sense of self-preservation. So Jim, in what he believed to be a selfless act, pushed him away. He sighed, it was so much easier for him to believe that though the truth nagged at him. He was a bastard to his most faithful friend and the hurt and anger reflected in his guide’s eyes would haunt him forever.

Blair had called him a coward and truer words were never spoken between them. He was afraid and he was out of control, violently lashing out at those around him but saving the worst for himself. Nothing he could say or do to his friends would match the pain he was inflicting on himself. So he waited, ever so patiently for the void to come and take him. He no longer wanted a part of this existence. The point had been made, life no longer needed him, so he no longer needed it. Now that the ties had been severed all he had to do was wait. He was choosing to die. It would be better for everyone if he did. If Jim Ellison could cease to be then everyone would be free. It would be better, yes it would be better that way. All he had to do was focus and he could happily slip away from everyone and everything, never before had the individual threads on his bed

sheets been so interesting.

"Don’t you think he at least deserves to know why?" his own mind betrayed him. "You know if you don’t explain this to him he’ll only end up blaming himself. Then what good have you done, he will still suffer." The half logic of his subconscious stirred something within him. He owed Blair and explanation, he had to tell his guide why he was going away. He pressed the call button and waited for the nurse. He was tiring quickly and soon he would not have the energy to back up his resolve. Moments later an older woman with a kind face entered his room.

"Is everything alright dear?" she asked her wrinkles more pronounced as her face creased with concern.

"Yes ma’am." He lied. "I was wondering if you had a pen and paper I could use?"

The nurse smiled at him. "Of course, I’ll be right back." Less than a minute later she returned with his unwritten apology in her hand.

"Thank you." he forced a smile as she handed him the paper and positioned the table for him.

He was alone once more, just a blank page staring back at him and he suddenly found himself at a complete loss. What could he say that would make this any less painful for his partner? Nothing there was nothing he could say that would offer the young man absolution. A new ache claimed his heart it wouldn’t matter what he wrote, Blair would still blame himself, their last words spoken in anger he knew his guide would shoulder the not inconsiderable weight of responsibility for this as well. ‘I’m sorry buddy, but it’s not your fault.’ He scrawled across the paper, folded it and carefully tucked it on his nightstand.

Then Jim Ellison turned his face to the wall and gave up.

Chapter Four.

Blair strode purposefully toward his sentinel’s room, pushing open the door he walked into a nightmare. Jim was lying on his back his head turned away from the window eyes staring vacantly at the wall. The only indication that a living man occupied the bed was the slow steady beeping of the heart monitor.

Pushing past the nurse at his friend’s side, he cupped the older man’s chin in his hand and turned his face toward him. The sightless eyes that greeted him sent a chill screaming up his spine. Jim had zoned.

"How long has he been like this?" he snapped at the nurse.

"I-I don’t know." She stammered.

He focused his attention back to his friend. "Come on Jim, you need to come back." His voice was that of the guide, steady calm and soothing and fully concealing the emotions raging within him. "Jim I need you to come back, listen to my voice, follow it back." He was oblivious to everything but his sentinel and the slowing rhythm of the heart monitor. "Jim you have to come back now!" his voice rose in pitch slightly as the beating of Jim’s heart slowed even more. Blair was no fool, he knew what was happening, he knew the man had given up. "Don’t you do this man!" his voice began to shake. "You have to listen to me, you have to come back!" he begged. "Don’t you dare quit now!" he could no longer hide the desperation he was feeling. "Damnit listen to me!" he pressed his forehead to his sentinel’s. "You’re it man, everything I have so don’t you dare leave me alone!" anguished tears fell from his eyes onto his friends face. "JIM! I need you, it doesn’t matter, none of it matters, wheelchair or not. God, Jim I won’t make it without you. *I* need you, please don’t leave me alone again."

Never had a soul felt so much hope as when Blair Sandburg felt the hand of his sentinel reach up and grasp his forearm. No words could appropriately the relief that surged with in him when unfocused blue eyes suddenly focused on his face and a brief tentative smile graced the older man’s lips before a whispered apology reached his ears.

"I’m sorry Chief."

Blair grasped the sides of his face not allowing Jim the opportunity to look away. "I know." He took a deep breath to calm his fraying nerves. They sat uninterrupted for a moment, each locked in the other’s stare intense blue on blue, neither willing to let the other go and neither able to speak another word.

The silence was broken as the Doctor burst through the door. She stopped in her tracks at the sight before her, the patient she had been told was catatonic, lay in his bed fully aware with tears spilling from his eyes. "I need to examine him." She said quietly, somehow not wanting to disrupt the connection between the two men.

Blair turned to face the doctor. "He’s okay now." He said as he faced his sentinel again and then stood aside to let the doctor do her job. His eyes remained locked on his friend as the doctor examined him. He had just traveled a road he never believed he would walk and he knew without a doubt he never wanted to go that route again, but he also knew that if need be he would answer the call as willingly as he had just done. There was no force that would keep him from helping the man he called brother, not even the man himself. Jim was back because he chose to come back, that more than anything founded the hope he felt. His brother had heard him and he had come home.

Chapter Five.

Hours passed, Jim had fallen into a restless sleep, troubled by dreams of helplessness and regret. He woke feeling frightened and alone until he saw the figure of his guide dozing in the chair beside him and he knew. He was not alone, he would never truly be alone again and despite the certainty of eventual loss, he could live with that. He wanted to live with that. There was a power at work in his life that he would never be able to understand, fate in all it’s wisdom had seen fit to send him a friend, guide and brother wrapped in an overly energetic bundle. His friend’s life was a blessing he didn’t deserve, but it was a blessing he had been given none the less.

He had always been the protector it was his role, he was the sentinel. His role had now changed and he found it difficult to accept, he was being protected, from the forces within as well as without. His guardian sat quietly beside him, perfectly tuned into his soul. That knowledge was both unsettling and comforting for him and the duality of emotions was foreign. He no longer had order, though being honest with himself, his ordered existence had disappeared with the arrival of his guide. He couldn’t suppress the smile that crept across his face as he thought about their first few months together. Time had passed and both men had changed and Jim found himself at yet another crossroads. The rules had changed once again. This time however he could, he would accept the change.

The young man beside him stirred in his chair and opened his eyes. Meeting his sentinel’s gaze the guide smiled. Jim’s heart skipped with the realization that for the first time since the shooting, the smile coming from Blair was genuine, no hesitation, no haunted look behind the younger man’s eyes just a true smile. Jim knew he should say something, he had a hundred things he needed to say, but nothing came and the silence between them was not uncomfortable. He was content to just be near the man who was his stability, to know he was there and they were safe. The battles yet to be fought could wait, for the moment he was secure and cared for. It was a respite the protector needed and one he had well earned over the years. He could rest and heal in safety, with a final smile from his guide, he was assured and allowed himself to drift into a peaceful slumber.

Chapter Six.

Blair woke from his doze and found himself staring into the wide pained eyes of his partner. "Jim! What’s wrong?" he asked.

"It hurts!" the detective ground out between clenched teeth.

"Where?" he pressed the call button and wondered how long his friend had been lying there in pain.

"Everywhere." He gasped "it started out… tingling and then…" he hissed as another spasm ripped through him.

Blair grasped his sentinel’s hand in his own. "It’s going to be alright." He said softly. "Just try to dial it down okay."

"Been trying that." Jim grimaced. "It’s not working."

Two nurses pushed into the room, Amy the evening nurse took one look at her patient and told the other nurse to call the doctor. "Okay Jim, I can see you’re in some pain, tell me where?"

"Ch-chest down." He gasped.

Amy smiled slightly. "Alright, the doctor will be here shortly and we’ll get you something for the pain. I know how ridiculous this will sound right now, but try to relax as much as you can. It wont be too much longer." She looked at Blair noting the concerned set of his face. "It’s going to be okay." She stopped herself from saying more, the rest they would need to hear form the doctor.

Jim’s grip on Blair’s hand tightened as his pain increased again. He clenched his eyes closed and tried desperately to visualize the pain dial. "Oh God!" he hissed.

"Shhh." Blair soothed. "Just take even breaths, it’s going to be fine Jim." Blair felt completely helpless, he could do nothing to ease his friend’s pain, but still he understood what was happening, at least he hoped he understood. Feeling was returning to his friend’s body, unfortunately it was a very painful process, but once the pain subsided, he prayed he was right, Jim would be able to move.

‘Please let this be what I think this is.’ He plead silently.

Dr Sayer entered Jim’s room with and quickly assessed her patient. "Jim I’m going to give you some morphine and then we’ll set up a pump so you can control it yourself." She received a small nod in response. "I won’t lie to you, you’ve got a long night ahead of you, the pain is going to get worse before it gets better, the morphine should help take the edge off for you. However," she smiled down at him "this means that the swelling has gone down enough for feeling to return, it may not seem like it now, but this is good news." The nurse handed her a syringe and Dr Sayer emptied it into Jim’s IV. "This should take effect pretty quickly." She said.

Jim nodded his thanks as he tried to focus through the pain he was feeling. He’d heard what the Doctor had to say, but his mind refused to process the information right away. The morphine began to work its way through his system easing the pain to a tolerable level he let out an involuntary sigh of relief. "Thank you." he whispered.

She patted his shoulder lightly. "I’ll be back in a little while. She turned toward Blair. "I’ll let the nurses know you’ll be staying the night." She eyed him seriously, "this isn’t going to be easy Blair, so you call if you need-."

"We’ll be fine." He cut her off. "I’m not going anywhere."

She smiled at him. "I didn’t think you would, I just wanted you to know if you needed a few minutes someone would be here to sit with him."

"Thanks." He said quietly and turned his attention back to his friend. Jim’s eyes were closed and his breathing was even though Blair knew he was not asleep. He gently rubbed his thumb over the knuckles of Jim’s hand as the iron grip tightened a little. "It’s okay Jim just breathe through it."

Jim cracked open his eyes and turned toward his guide. "Easy for you to say junior."

"Sorry." Blair mumbled.

"Don’t be." Jim shook his head. "I’m glad you’re here…I just need you to keep talking to me okay?"

Blair raised his eyebrows and smiled. "Talk I can do Big guy. What do you want to hear about?"

Jim thought for a moment. "Tell me about Emma." He caught the younger man’s expression of surprise and amusement. "Well you said you were just friends and I thought she was a knockout…"

Blair chuckled. "She’s a wicked wicked woman man."

"Seriously." Jim shook his head. "You seem to really like her, tell me why."

Blair knew what Jim wanted, a subject that Blair could just talk about that didn’t involve tribal customs or police work. Women. "Okay seriously. Emma is one hundred percent artist. You should see her work, it’s amazing, she sees people and brings them to life on a canvas. You feel like you know them…"

Jim listened to his partner expound on the virtues of the artist. The excitement in his voice was comforting as he continued his monologue. Jim found it interesting that he knew so much about the woman who was supposedly just a friend. He focused on his guide’s voice and let it carry him through the pain and when it subsided enough for him to actually grasp what Blair was saying he mused on the facts and observations his friend had about Emma. Once he’d said all he could on the subject Jim through out another one and his guide was off again, talking non-stop and Jim was grateful. The pain got worse and Jim could no longer contain the cries of agony, still he struggled to maintain his focus on the voice that was soothing him. He knew the pain would pass, he just had to hold on. He was not alone with it, his guide was with him. His guide, his friend was there holding him as he wept tears of pain. Tears he could not control and tears he held no shame for. He hurt like he had never before and the pain had left him defenseless. Still he was safe, he just had to hang on, the other side was in sight and all he had to do was make it across his pain and he could rest. Agony tore through him whiting out his senses, he screamed and his guide soothed. The night passed slowly Jim was only aware of his pain and the voice that assured him it would pass, finally it ebbed, the torture passed and Jim fell into an exhausted sleep.

Chapter Seven.

Blair stood up from his desk and stretched his cramped muscles, he’d been trying to catch up on the work he had missed while he was with Jim at the hospital and the long hours sitting hunched over his desk were beginning to tell on him. He had managed to keep himself well occupied during the days since Jim had regained feeling in his legs, the first few days were difficult for his sentinel, his therapy had become more painful and the older man’s moods though sometimes dark were very much determined. Blair had been spending a few hours every day at the university diligently working to clear out the backlog of work, now even that was winding down and his life was beginning to gain some sense of normalcy, and that was both a blessing and a curse for him. As the crisis for Jim passed Blair was being forced to deal with his own demons. In the days following the shooting he had been able to process enough to allow him to function and he had quite efficiently shunted the rest away to deal with at a later time. The time had come, the ghosts that haunted his dreams now demanded their due under the sun. They would no longer be ignored.

He looked around his office feeling lost and very much alone. Desolate, afraid, angry and sad he remembered, slowly each memory surfaced, the face of the man who died by his hand held like a still frame in his mind alive with a cruel snarl with bane in his eyes and then not. Empty cold sightless eyes replaced the frame but the snarl remained, even in death the animal was there. Something within him ached a dull pain in his heart and he wondered how it could be that he felt regret? What had been that life anyway but base and corrupt? The simplicity of the truth caught him off guard, no matter how depraved it was still a life and to dismiss it because it was so far removed from humanity only served to bring Blair a step closer to the very bane he had seen in the gunman’s eyes that night. The man had faced whatever judgement lay after death, his eternity lay in another’s hands and for that Blair was grateful and he knew one day he would face that platform as well, he hoped though that day lay many years away. He would regret the life he had taken it was a given, but he would never regret the fact that both he and his sentinel still lived. The nightmares would still haut him, there was no escape from that. He would control what he could and the rest he would live with until like the other nightmares they would slowly fade into the darkness and only occasionally invade the security of his sleep.

Still there was a matter unsettled a fear within that threatened a line that frayed and another ghost appeared. The ghost of who he used to be.

A soft knock at the door pulled him away from the vision of himself he feared he lacked the strength to face. His hands trembled as a voice long dead echoed in his head. ‘Who am I now?’ he shook the thought from his mind and he took a breath to steady himself. "Come in." he answered rolling his shoulders.

The door opened revealing a petite young lady with chin length chestnut hair she was smiling brightly at him holding a picture infront of her. "It’s done." She said.

Blair’s eyes lit up, "Already?" he asked.

"Well, I knew this one was important." Her green eyes warmed. "And honestly, this one sort of drew itself." She hesitantly handed Blair the framed drawing, keeping the front facing her.

Blair eagerly accepted and turned the picture around to look at it, his breath caught in his chest as he took in the drawing and he had to swallow past a lump in his throat to be able to speak again. "Emma it’s…. Oh wow, it’s perfect."

Emma ducked her head slightly and blushed. "I’m glad you like it." She said softly.

"I don’t know how to thank you…this is…I-." he stammered unable to take his eyes away from the picture in his hands.

The young woman smiled again. "The look on your face is thanks enough…I’m glad I could do this for you."

Blair carefully set the picture on his desk and wrapped his arms around his friend. "Thank you."

Emma returned the embrace then pulled away to look him in the eyes. She studied him seriously green eyes searching blue as she tilted her head to the side in contemplation. Wordlessly she communicated her concern and support. "I have to get back if I leave my students on their own for too long things get scary."

Blair chuckled. "I’ve seen what they can do. Thanks again ‘Em."

"You’re welcome, if you need anything you know where I am." She said as she pulled the door shut behind her.

Blair was alone again, he sighed he’d been happy for the distraction as his thoughts were morose. He stared at the picture Emma had drawn it was much more than he had imagined when he’d asked her to do it. His simple idea of a panther and a wolf took on a life of it’s own under her practiced hand. Both animals were there but they were seamlessly blended together against the images of him and his sentinel. He had no idea how she managed to perfectly represent their existence but there it was a testament to what he had become a part of, the bond that went beyond friendship, beyond brotherhood, beyond even sentinel and guide. Something that was so much bigger than himself and so happily more than he had ever allowed himself to dream, His soul was bound, his soul had found a home and he joyfully accepted the foundation from which the rest of his life would be built upon. He smiled at the ghost of himself assured that whatever he was, he was loved, needed and whole. It was indeed all that mattered.

Chapter Eight.

He was dreaming, disconnected images flashed through his slumber teasing his subconscious with an elusive set of memories. Fleetingly he acknowledged that some stones were better left unturned. The dream persisted in taunting him with information that his guide refused to share, sealing themselves into the random holes of the puzzle that was his memory. To the sentinel the picture being pieced together was both grim and heart breaking, more pieces fell into place and he allowed them to come, he needed to know, even if the truth would only ever been seen with in a dream. Some how he hoped it would be enough knowledge to understand the pain he saw within the eyes of his guide.

He did not fight the nightmare that was unfolding in his mind, he did not struggle to change the violent and painful acts his memory was allowing to surface. He watched, he learned and he mourned. He saw the night outside of the event, he saw his own body lying motionless and bleeding on the blacktop, he saw his guide struggle against strong arms in an effort to reach him and he saw the evil in the eyes of the man who would have been his murderer. He heard the screams of his partner echo through the deserted street and the taunting whispers of the man who held him and then he felt his own desperation, his frustration as he lay helpless and bleeding unable to make his damaged body act, unable to protect his guide, unable to do anything but slowly die.

In his dream he raged but no one heard. He lashed out at the gunman but he was as ineffectual as he was that night. He was still helpless and could do nothing but watch. So watch he did as his guide fought back with strength borne out of a refusal to let his sentinel die. There was nothing that could have prepared him for what occurred next and nothing in his conscious or subconscious mind would ever erase the memory of his guide breaking free of the gunman and launching himself at him and crushing the man’s head against the pavement. The sentinel knew, he had seen it that night, and as his mind allowed him to accept the knowledge he knew, this is what haunted his guide. This is what he’d been seeing in the other man’s eyes, the knowledge that he had willfully taken another human life. ‘Oh dear God!’ he thought as his dream ended and he began to ascend through the twilight of his sleep.

Chapter Nine.

Blair Sandburg whistled quietly as he made his way down the hall toward Jim’s hospital room, his mood was light and his excitement almost tangible to the staff as he passed by. His friend was coming home. Three long weeks had passed since the shooting, weeks of both pain and healing and now with Jim being released things looked to be returning to normal, as normal as they could be considering the people involved. At that moment all that concerned Blair was getting his sentinel home and settled. He smiled as he pushed open the door to Jim’s room. The older man was sitting perched on the edge of the bed dressed and ready to go.

"It’s about time you showed up." Jim chided his partner forcing lightness into his tone as he studied his guide. Lingering images from his nightmare clouded his vision and he frowned at the younger man. "You okay Chief?"

Blair shook his head and favored the detective with a lopsided grin. "Yeah Jim I’m fine." He looked at his sentinel seriously. "I’m glad you’re coming home."

"Me too Chief, me too." He decided to let the issue go until they reached the loft, it wasn’t easy for him, since his dream the night before he’d been tempted to call his friend a half dozen times, stopping himself each time believing that Blair would talk about it when he was ready. Now Jim feared he wouldn’t be able to wait for the younger man to broach the subject, it just weighed too heavily on his own conscience, his friend had taken a life to protect him. He was grateful to Blair for saving his life, but he worried what that act had cost his friend. He knew the younger man would tell him to stop worrying, but that was beyond him. He couldn’t erase the memories of his friend’s haunted eyes during the long days and nights he spent at the hospital with him, and so he needed to make sure that all the pieces of Blair’s soul were put back where they belonged.

He owed his guide that much and more. During the weeks he’d been confined to the hospital his partner had assumed the role of protector, easing way the pain and saving him a second time from the despair that threatened to destroy him. Blair had been there like he promised, by his side through all of it and Jim was determined to return the favor.

Blair puzzled over the older man’s behavior, the day before he had been practically climbing the walls ready to get out of there. Now there was a reluctance to his demeanor that Blair was at a loss to understand. There was an alarm going off in the back of his mind and he knew something was wrong. He worried that perhaps his sentinel wasn’t doing as well as he was saying, maybe it was too soon for him to be leaving the hospital. "Jim, tell me what’s wrong."

"That’s my question Chief." The sentinel answered quietly, no longer able to put his knowledge of that night aside. He looked up at his guide, regret and sadness filling his voice as he asked, "Why didn’t you tell me?"

Blair remained clueless as to the cause of the older man’s distress. "Tell you what Jim?"

"I remember, I saw what happened." Jim answered simply.

‘Oh God!’ Blair cursed silently as the pieces fell into place. He had not wanted to have this conversation yet. He wanted to wait until they were safely with in the walls of their home before they discussed what happened the night of the shooting. "I- Oh man, Jim!" he took a deep breath. "Look I- at first I couldn’t talk about it and I didn’t want to, then I wanted to wait until you were home and settled I didn’t want to have you worrying about me while you were here trying to heal and I was still-. God Jim this is not the way I wanted to have this discussion."

"Then it can wait." Jim said quietly. "I just need to know one thing… are you okay?"

Blair answered his question as honestly as he could. "Most of the time yes, but sometimes no." he knew they had lot to say to each other and he knew what he had to say wouldn’t be easy for Jim to hear. Now at least he had the time to put his thoughts together so he could do it right because he feared he would only be able to do it once.

Chapter Ten.

Blair stared vacantly out past the balcony windows, searching for the words that needed to be spoken. He had to bridge the gulf of silence that was the trip home, but what could he say. Jim already knew what happened that night, he’d seen it. What was there to explain? Why Blair hadn’t told him? ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Jim’s question to him rang in his mind. ‘How could I?’ he thought. ‘When exactly would have been the right time to broach the subject? Oh by the way Jim, I know you’ve just been shot and all but I thought you should know I killed a man…. I don’t think so.’

"Talk to me Blair."

Jim’s voice cut through his thoughts and he turned to face his sentinel. He felt totally helpless as he was pinned by the older man’s steely gaze. What was being demanded of him, an explanation? "Jim, I don’t know what you want me to say man."

Jim studied his guide and saw the anxiety in his eyes and so much more beyond that, he cringed inwardly at the thought of his friend having to shoulder this burden on his own for the past three weeks. That knowledge elicited sorrow within him, his friend, his brother had suffered alone. A pain filled his heart at the thought of the young man coming home to an empty loft alone to face the demons and nightmares left to him in the wake of the shooting. "God Blair I am so sorry…I am so sorry you had to do that alone."

Blair’s head shot up and he met Jim’s gaze with wide blue eyes, "What?" he shook his head. "Jim there’s no sorry here, man what is is okay? You couldn’t have been here, you couldn’t have helped it was a physical impossibility. I had to deal with this, I had to come to terms with what happened. I still don’t know exactly what you want to hear from me, but I’ll do my best to answer any questions you have."

"Chief, I just need to know that you’re alright…and I need you to know that I am so thankful to you for saving my life-." Jim trailed off as he fought to gain control of his emotions but he had more he needed to say to the young man standing before him. "Blair you showed remarkable courage that night, but you always do. You call me your ‘Blessed protector’ but I believe the title is more suited to you. I know I don’t tell you nearly enough how important you are to me. It goes way beyond this sentinel thing, you are the best friend I have ever, ever had. You have saved my life in more ways than I can tell you. God Chief you gave me my life back the day we met, there just aren’t words-." He shook his head in frustration as he searched for the right thing to say. " There aren’t words to say how proud, how happy or how lucky I am that I can call you friend."

Blair stood in stunned silence as his sentinel’s speech sunk in. "wow, uh-." He sat down heavily in the armchair and ran his hands through his hair. He was not really surprised by the sentiment, just the fact the other man had said it out loud, but then again if he thought about it Jim was always full of surprises. "Thank you." he said softly. "And yes Jim, I am alright. I know exactly what I did and what it means to me. I have nightmares about it because what happened that night scared the shit out of me, not that I killed someone, but that someone shot you and tried to keep me from helping you. I see his face in my nightmares, but that’s it, that’s the only place I see him now. It was hard Jim, it really was but I did what I had to do that night and I have done what I had to do every day since then. Some days are better than others man, I won’t lie to you. Some days really suck. But I would do it again, if it meant keeping you safe I would do it all again. I said it before Jim it goes both ways and after everything you’ve given me you should now there is nothing I wouldn’t do for my brother."

Both men sat in companionable silence having said what was needed and comfortable with its meaning. Each man had wounds that sill needed healing, but together they would do just that.

Blair stood up from his chair and headed to his room. "I’ll be right back." He said with a grin and disappeared into the hall.

Jim heard his guide rustling around in his room and curiosity was starting to get the better of him. "Chief, what’s going on in there, do you need a rescue party?

"You’re a riot Jim." Came Blair’s reply. "My room’s not that bad." He said as he emerged from the hall holding a wrapped package before him. "Welcome home Jim."

Chapter Eleven.

Jim sat in the dark, settled in contemplation his thoughts polarized to the darkness surrounding him. He smiled, he was tired to the bone but the journey was over and that which mattered most to him was safe and whole. He could not ask for more.

The moon emerged from the clouds and bathed the room in its soft embrace, illuminating the picture newly hung on the wall and the sentinel smiled again. When he’d removed the wrapping and revealed the picture his breath had been stolen from him. He found himself looking at his life, so simply yet completely represented. In the gently shaded sketch he saw what he was, and the promise of what he would be. It was an extraordinary gift, and it touched him on a level beyond which he could express. There was no pride involved in his inability to speak at that moment. He was simply unable to wrap his emotion neatly into a word. Even so his guide had known, it was a rare brilliant moment where no words were needed.

Jim had spent hours sitting alone, sheltered by the night retracing the steps that led him to that moment. He traveled through all the pain, the loss and suffering realizing that for each of the hurts there were equal and greater joys. He knew that for all the obstacles and all the trials he would have things no other way. He could not deny fate though at times she was a fickle mistress, fate had brought him human salvation in the form of his guide. He was alive, really truly alive because of him. He understood that erasing the pains of their lives would mean erasing their life together and that was a prospect he could not contemplate. No existence was perfect, none could be without woe but if he measured his honestly the scale would dip easily to happiness. He had balance more than that he had abundance.

~fin~