September 28, 2003
	I went to church tonight and I sat there.  It was so fake...some attempt to fit in.  I realized that I will never be one of them.  I will never care about my hair and make-up.  The picture in the opening page...no make up.  I dont see the point in spending the time and effort when I know the minute I eat anything it will be gone.  Anyways, back to reality.  So I sat there...in a long sleeve shirt, two sweatshirts, a coat, and a blanket...still cold...so maybe I didnt fit in.  There is no way I can. Their reality is boys and school...mine is food and toilets.  Or week long fasts and passing out in band.  My world is to real for the people I try and be like.  I wish i could be like them and eat without thinking a second thought...HOT DOGS...EWWW. You are poisoning yourselves...society pervades you.  Get out while you can.  I dont eat in an attempt to free myself from this life...this act.  An attempt to hid myself.  Disappear.  Phantom calories sneak up on you though, right Silas.  They are out to get you…the whole world is!  There is no escape…I wake up every morning to this…and you wake up every morning to me…I pity you.  I will never fit in…no one wears sweatshirts in the summer in a last ditch effort to hid myself from you…I don’t want to make you suffer with my perverted body’s grossness.  Oh, so you went to prom with Jeff.  You have lost weight, I didn’t recognize you.  Are you going to dinner with us?  It doesn’t matter you never eat anyways.  I wouldn’t want to make fun of you, you might become anorexic on me.  Do you ever eat? Of course I eat, look at me.  Don’t you see it.  It resembles this jelloie mass around my midsection.  I am consumed by my fat.  I am disappearing into myself.  But my wrists are thin…