Alone
	Wow...tonight was lots of "fun"  Lets start at the beginning...sigh, I dont want this anymore...but how can i live without it...it has been my life for what seems like eternity...I feel so alone and lost.  I was standing at Band...cold and alone.  I watched everyone else laughing...and having fun but i dont get to do that very much, I dont allow myself.  I just am so angry!  I went to HyVee tonight and I saw my friend...she was doing the same thing i was...BINGE!!!  ICK...anyways I saw her later and she looked so ill..I wonder how she is so thin...I know why, gee I am not dumb but It scares me.  I wonder how far down you can go in this before you either must recover or resolve to stay sick and have both of us passed that point?  Seems like it to me...and that scares me.  What is there beyond anorexia?  Will i be able to live the life I want with it?  Can I get married have a job...truely live, no.  But how do I live without it...I think that is a question a lot of anorexics ask themselves.  Will this ever get better...only if i let it...can I?  What do I need from others for this to happen, more so what do I need from myself!  What is holding me back...myself.