I looked up a few random words in my German dictionary and, using
the POOREST translational skills I could muster, titled the piece "Die Schmettern Welcher Projekt" ("The Blair, which project?").

Knowing I had only one day to tape the entire movie (I was
looking at about a 15 minute movie, but about 5 locations-
and a cast of volunteers) I decided to keep the shots simple and
to break them down and number so that I could work out a shot-list
for smoother taping. Also, most of the cast hadn't actually SEEN
the script prior to the taping- so wanted them to be able to peek
the the next scene between shots.

We filmed this under the "Ultimate Egos" prod. company because I knew
it would just end up being one of those fun-lovin' disasters.
Schisms, anybody?
Well- we had NO extras- but a crew- so we threw Ben down a hill
(a steep one with very very jagged rocks and dog dooddee) about 20 times,
Vin and Rebecca disappeared for about 20 minutes with the camera (?)
The audio quality was awful for some reason
We ran out of time- so in true "UE" form we cut vital scenes (leaving
ONLY the most pointless, inane ones for viewing
It started raining
...all the usual stuff that marks a great start to a project..
BUTT- we persevered. With a LOT of improvising, a bit we let Ben and
Angela throw in that ISN'T in the script (kinda makes ya wanna see it, heh? heh?)
and a HUGE Chinese food feast at the end "Schmettern Welcher" is an instant classic- although it has no real filmed ending as of yet.

Vincent took it back to Wisconsin, and did some WONDERFUL edting, also.

Anyway- heres the script:

		Opening shot. Black movie screen with white writing- preferably flickering

	IN 1999 4 [or A TEAM OF] STUDENTS SET OUT TO CREATE A
 
DOCUMENTARY RIVALING THAT OF "THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT".

LEAD BY REBECCA, WITH JON, THEIR DRIVING FORCE, THE TEAM SETS FORTH INTO
 
THE NEWTONVILLE WOODS.....


we see Jon looking down, scurrying over towards something. he 
removes his back pack and...

Rebecca: (holding camera) Jon, what is it?

Jon: (chuckles) A penny! Lucky day! (bent down he steps forward, 
trips, and screams rolling down the hill a la Princess Bride. At
 bottom, twists head around)


IN 1999 3 STUDENTS SET OUT TO CREATE A
 
DOCUMENTARY RIVALING THAT OF "THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT".

LEAD BY REBECCA, WITH TIMMY, THEIR DRIVING FORCE, THE TEAM SETS FORTH INTO
 
THE NEWTONVILLE WOODS.....


Timmy: I'm gonna check on him (puts down pack, his foot caught in 
the shoulder strap)

Rebecca: (Arm pointing from behind camera) Umm...Tim-

Timmy: No, no, I'm all set (steps, trips, falls, etc. lands next 
to Jon)

*we can keep the joke going with cut shots of people in mid-fall 
and/or with Star Trek clichEs until we see a pile of bodies all 
around Jon

Josh: (from HIS camera, looking at Rebecca) OK look. I ain't goin' 
NEAR there! Let's just call the police and stop the documentary.

Rebecca: (from her camera) NO! (pants) We can't stop filming!

Josh: (from his camera) They're all dead!

Rebecca: (from her camera) No! (sobbing) We can't stop! (more sobbing) 
We've filmed so much! (VERY dramatic as she slowly drops to her knees) 
It's all I have left!!...

Josh: All we have (cut to his camera) is 10 about minutes of people 
falling to their deaths!

Rebecca: No! We still have Mikie back at the hotel room. We can interview 
the townspeople now, meet him there, and then start all over again 
in the morning! Please please Pleeeeaaaaasssse Pleeeeeeeeeease

Josh: Fine

                      cut to townguy

Townguy: Yes. I've heard the legend. Big, brown, hairy monster man 
that lives in the woods-

Rebecca: That's Sasquatch

		cut to town girl (and so on and so forth- back and forth)

Town girl: Before the killing began...he would leave the house....

Townguy: Did I say woods? I meant lake. People think it's an 
extinct dinosaur

Rebecca: (obviously fed up) That's Loch Ness!

Town girl: ...he would buy all the supplies he needed...

Rebecca: (to guy) I think we're done with you. Thank you. (starts to walk 
away as guy tries to keep in shot)

Townguy: No, no- wait...he...and he and he

Town girl: ...all the supplies he needed were at the local party store. 
He would buy a bunch of piNatas- to entertain everyone- like a party.

Townguy: (Finally getting Rebecca to stop) and ..and..AND he would 
always put one of his victims in the corner and play a game of "spanky-ass" 
with him- UNTIL HE KILLED HIM!

   	     a few seconds of blackness, little crackly sound
                     
	    cut to walking to hotel room

Rebecca: (with camera) OK....here we are.... We have....
pulled....ourselves together....and we are going to meet Mikie for 
the first time....

(hands camera to Josh as she opens the door, looks inside and screams. 
Josh swings around with camera to catch Mikie, completely under the blankets, 
spankin' it. Mikie, after momentary frozen fear, flings mag across 
room and tries to pose as if he had just been getting himself  "comfortable"

Mikie: (Sounding dopey and groggy) Uh- hi.

Rebecca: That was so disgusting...

Josh: Some day we'll all look back at this and laugh...

		cut to black
		
		Opens with Rebecca with camera filming Josh and Mikie drinking

Rebecca: Hey- drinking looks cool! Here, film me doing it. (Hands camera 
to Mikie as Josh and Mikie chuckle at how stupid she's acting.
She grabs the nearest little bottle- a travel bottle of Scope and swallows 
it down, chokes for a second, swallows it down)  Bleh! Scope! 
(Guys start laughing even more)

Josh: OK, Rebecca, (TRYING to change the subject) What do we have for food?

Rebecca: (composes herself. Looks into bag. Looks interestedly at the guys, 
reaches into bag) We have marshmallows! (guys let out a playful cheer) 
And..we..have...marshmallows ( a less enthusiastic cheer) and 
(starting to sound sultry) more marshmallows (dumps out entire bagful 
of marshmallows[still in their bags, of course]) Oh! marshmallows! 
(rolls around in bags on bed filled with marshmallows, grabs 2 bags 
over chest and starts to squeeze them) Oh! marshmallows!

(shot of the two guys standing there with mouths open with Mikie
 still filming)

     crappy cut to Rebecca sitting in front of tree- next day


Rebecca: We are here (clears throat, sounds dramatic) We are here.... 
How do you like those marshmallows, Josh?

Josh: (mouthful o' marshmallows) Fuckin' great!

Rebecca: Great! (focuses) We are here, in front of this tree because 
this is where the story that started this project begins. (Reads magazine 
clipped to side of clipboard away from camera)   "...and the three 
men were bound ankle to wrist all the way around the tree as Sabrina 
worked her way around them with her tongu- Mikie! (Rips Penthouse from clipboard) 
What the hell is this?

Mikie: (walks up eating a marshmallow with another Penthouse in his hand) 
Sorry- here's the February issue.

Rebecca: (recomposing herself for the camera) That's better. We can edit 
that out right, Josh? (camera nods) Ok... well...let's just cut the 
dramatic shit... basically we're just gonna head north until we
 see spooky stuff.

Josh: Rebecca..is that..uh..scientific?

Rebecca: Look, sweetie. I'm wasted on Scope over here and I'M in charge. 
I say "north 'till spooky shit" and it's NORTH until some spooky shit 
starts to happen. Alright?!

Josh: Umm...ok.

Rebecca: Good boy! Marshmallow! (throws a marshmallow to Josh as camera 
jerks as he catches it)
Goood boooy! (She gets up and starts to walk away, Josh does 
close up on her butt)

Josh: Someone's got a dirty tooshie!

Rebecca: Oh. Hah. I guess so.

Josh: (following her ass) Diiirty toooshie ooooh 
buttbuttbuttbuttbuttbuttbutt!

Rebecca: Alright- cut the shit!

Josh: Faaany faaany (Rebecca walks  up and smacks him in the 
head) OW! (Camera drops down a bit, shuts off)

		later

Rebecca: (holding camera on self with trees in background) As we start 
our adventure, I realize that I really have no idea where we are going. 
I can only hope that Divine Providence and Bob Guccione can lead us..to 
..where .. we go. While we are hopelessly lost already, I cannot tell 
the others as it may lead to low morale. (She takes camera off herself 
as we see the other two plus the Jamaica way as she whines) Nnnh...I 
can never find the stop button...(black)

Josh: (with camera) Well, here we are in the woods...I think I'd like 
to interview the creator of this documentary while we have a 
chance.

Rebecca: I'll talk, but I won't stop.

Josh: (whispers) Butt! (walks with camera on her ass, interviews) 
So- you from Newtonville?

Rebecca: Yeah.

Josh: What got you into this project?

Rebecca: Growing up in Newtonville, I never went to parties. I mean- 
who would, right? I mean- I've actually developed a kind of FEAR of parties. 
Weird, eh? So- I became an avid Penthouse reader. And a few months ago, 
something in the February issue stirred me.

Josh: (under breath) I'll bet it did.

Rebecca: WHAT??! (turns around to catch Josh filming her ass) 
Give me that! Why the HELL do I keep letting you use this thing? 
(Takes away camera) You are a BAD Josh! BAD! (Josh 
whimpers.Black) 



Rebecca: (with camera on Mikie) OK, Mikie. Pitch the tent?

Mikie: Wait- you haven't talked to me all day much LESS filmed 
me. And now, the only time you CONSIDER putting the stupid camera 
on me is when you want me to pitch the tent?!

Rebecca: Well it's not-

Mikie: Well it is! Why don't you tape me doing something heroic 
or something? Why do you just HAVE to tape the crappy stuff??


Rebecca: I can't stop! It's all I have left! Please let me tape- 
it's ALL I HAVE -

Mikie: Alright! (Unpacks for a few minutes setting up tent)

Rebecca: Boring! (shuts off camera)

(middle of night, in tent. Josh turns on camera, with light onto 
Rebecca's ass)

Josh: (grunting) Niiice ass. ass ass ass.

Rebecca: Shut UP! (black)

		next day

Rebecca: (camera on self, walking) It's now day TWO of our 
documentary. Hopelessly lost in the woods, I worry about the 
reports made by my team member Josh. He complained about 
reoccurring noises in the middle of the night and strange gaseous 
manifestations passing through the tent-


Josh: I keep tellin' ya - it was Mikie farting all night.

Mikie: Fuck you! (flips finger)

Rebecca: (regrouping) We now will head South following this 
brook until we come across our mysterious spot in the woods. 
(sighs) I can only hope the mysterious curse doesn't kill us 
before we arrive at our destination.


Mikie: Yeah, the "curse of the bad movie."

Josh: Maybe the "curse of over acting."

Rebecca: Hey, you guys, shut- (camera shuts off)


Random cuts to the cast walking through trees and crossing over 
the same stream over and over again. Josh pipes up

Josh: Ya know- we keep heading north...and I think we keep 
hitting this same stream...

Rebecca: See?...Spooky shit!

Josh:  Yeah- creepy. I'm surprised Fox hasn't fimed a special 
here.

Mikie: (chiming in) When streams attack.

Rebecca: Okay, FUNNY! Now will you stop taping!

Josh: (backing up) No!

Rebecca: Yes!

Josh: No!

Rebecca: YES!

Josh: No, this is golden- aaah! (Camera jerks about, goes black, 
we hear a splash)

some more shots of the cast walking around w/ a wet Josh


		Night time, two guys squatting, facing each 
other. Bushes or big tree in background.

Josh: (whispering) Look, we both know that there's no such thing 
as a witch.

Mikie: Pagans

Josh: ok-

Mikie: Witch Doctors

Josh: Alright

Mikie: SANDwitch-

Josh: CUT the shit. What I mean is that what she's lookin' for - 
we ain't gonna find, right?

Rebecca: (off camera, left) I think I hear something.

Josh and Mikie: (Patronizing) OK! (Mikie does masturbation arm 
movement, Josh waves arm)

Mikie: So what are we going to do?

Josh: We fake her out and make her think she sees what she wants.

Mikie: How?

Josh: Rocks.

Mikie: Rocks?

Josh: Yeah. We pile'em up (Starts piling up the rocks as a 
"witch" steps out from behind bushes and does dopey dance) and 
yell to her that they're arranged in some "pattern of witchery" 
that we read about in Time. We film it, go to bed, and get her to 
let us go home in the morning.


Mikie: (amazed SOMEONE has an ounce of sense on this trip) Sure! 
(watches Josh finish stacking while witch disappears again) All 
set? (Josh nods) Rebecca! Rebecca! (As Josh is yanked off camera 
by green hand) I think we found something!

Rebecca: (Running in from left) What is it?? Whaddya find??

Mikie: (Turning around) Josh-?

Rebecca: What do you mean you "found" Josh? He's not even here to 
BE found.

Mikie: (Bewildered) no. NO. (Takes camera off tripod, picking it 
up we see rocks look like an UNhappy face, Mikie pans to where 
Josh was) No- josh is gone.

Rebecca: Did he leave us?! Look- he even left his STUFF! I'll 
bet he expects us to carry it now...

Mikie: Look- I don't know where he is! He made that (arm points 
down to rocks, but we don't see them) and I turned... and I 
called you..and..he's- gone.

Rebecca: The happy face?

Mikie: (Shoots camera down- UNhappy face is now a HAPPY face) Oh, 
that's TOO fucked up! I'm STOPPING filming and we're getting the 
hell out of here.

		(you guessed it)

Rebecca: (beginning hysterics again) NO! You can't you can't it's 
all I-

Mikie: Rebecca, Rebecca. It's alright. Alright? Here's what I'm 
going to do (Shuts camera off)

Rebecca: (Camera on self) Well, we're back now. After Mikie 
foolishly stopped filming. I wish we could have recorded them- 
there have been these strange sounds all around-


Mikie: (off camera) They were CAR DOORS! I think we're in 
somebody's back yard!

Rebecca: What was that?! (Looks around. Dead silence. Mikie 
farts. Rebecca runs away screaming. Camera "dangles from strap", 
swings, getting Mikie on the upswings)

Mikie: What the FUCK is her problem? (Walking towards the camera. 
We see him once, twice, then the camera bangs against the tripod, 
spins and stops. Nothing for a good 10 seconds.)


Rebecca: (faintly) Mikie? (Breaking down) Michael?! (Appears to 
pick up camera, panning around) They're GONE! (Pans back towards 
trees and we see a piNata in the trees, she screams, dropping 
camera again. It seems to break as we go into black)


Rebecca: (Filming the corner of Vin's house with zoom, house 
lights off, no light on camcorder) (VERY messed up) I found this 
house...nearby. The light for the camera has broken. I can't find 
the other camera...film...or any of the lights... There is some 
strange noise coming from inside the house. (Beginning of 
"Waitress" to be dubbed in later on a loop) I'm going inside 
(gulp) to see.. if I can find (gulp) the possible remains (slurp, 
gulp, crumple up paper cup and throw infront of camera) of my 
dearest and closest friends.

		She enters Vin's house through the basement. The 
music slowly gets louder as she goes upstairs. No lights in the 
house except for a strange blue light in the living room 
[hopefully provided by 2-3 TV's on the computer desk] We see 
Mikie standing in the corner music is as loud as it's getting)


Rebecca: (Terrified) "Spanky- ass" (Chokes as she tries to 
scream, "drops" camera, runs off [into kitchen or something])

		We see Mike's feet turn and go towards the 
camera. He picks it up and walks it backwards [so as not to show 
our bad lighting job] picks it up, we see a drink in one hand and 
a punch bowl in the corner. He turns on a lamp as the camera 
focuses on Josh. All the people who fell are partying in 
background)

Mikie: What the hell is her problem?

Josh: Dunno. She's SUCH a spaz though!

Mikie: Well, she DID think you were abducted by some 
green-skinned long-nosed witch...

Josh: SSShhh. That's Jean. She owns this place and threw a party 
when she found out that all those people who fell down her 
sister's hill didn't die. She has a skin problem- nasty- don't 
mention it- HEY! Jean! (side-hugs Jean, kiss on the cheek)


Jean: (To Mikie) Looks like you got a new name, "Spanky-ass"! 
(All laugh...fade...)

					THA END