Doozie's Slightly Sexy Adult Humor

An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application. He told the Soc.Sec. Representative that he didn't have his birth certificate, so the Rep asked to prove his age. At this point, the old man opened his shirt and showed the Rep the gray hair on his chest. This was accepted as proof, and the old man was given his first check.

The old man rushed home to his wife. Proudly, he showed her his Social Security Check and explained what happened. Hs wife replied, "Well, don't just stand here.....go back down there and pull down your pants and see if you can get disability, too!"

By the time a sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - a Marine," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy- tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, Handsome!" ~ and he sat up all night watching me."

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats.'

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "Ok, you can start now and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a big huge one. I asked him where he was going to fish and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.   Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook??" "No..." answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing!"

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

Then the doctor asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

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