Puttin' On The Fritz
By Sparky and Miss Ang

Rolled in from another town
Found some gold too hot to settle down
But a fool and his money soon go separate ways
And you found a fool lyin' in a daze...
~ ELO, "Evil Woman"

Life just is sooo not fair, Bradley Uppercrust III thought to himself as he carried his last duffel bag up to the third floor of Spooner State's most dilapidated dormitory. Not only did I get kicked out of the Gammas last semester and lose to the Goof, but they relocated me to the substance-free dorm. On the top floor. No more parties... this is gonna suck. Throwing his duffel bag onto his bed, Bradley kicked back as best he could, folding his arms behind his head with a sigh. At least I talked Dad into paying them to give me a single - for ... heh heh ... personal reasons.

The sound of girls' laughter in the hallway drew him up from his lounging position and over to the door. Peering out cautiously, Bradley saw that a pair of young women were moving into the room on the other end of the hall. Chicks, he smiled. Okay, maybe this won't be so bad. I'd forgotten that this was the co-ed floor.

Straightening out his cardigan and collar, he struck out to meet his new neighbors. However, before he could get halfway down the hall, a resounding crash echoed from the room he was headed for.

"OWWWWW! Hady!"

"Sorry.... slipped."

"You let something slip? Yeah right - Buff Girl."

"Don't call me that."

"How 'bout Buffy? Buffy Buffy Buffy! Gonna go kill yourself some werewolves?"

"Sparky, cut it out."

"Well, next time don't drop a speaker on my toe, Hadassah!"

Bradley bit his lower lip in thought. Maybe this isn't the greatest idea. Heading back towards his room, he bumped smack into another girl. "Ooh, sorry..."

"Brad Uppercrust numero tres?" The girl gasped, looking at him as she backed away, setting her cardboard box down. "Like, oh. My. Gawd."

Bradley blinked, looking her up and down - being sure to take his sweet time doing it. The girl had long, voluminous blonde hair, a figure that any self-respecting male specimen would gladly do stupid things for, and a very skimpy halter top to show it off. Her low-slung, flared jeans draped just at the tips of her open-toed designer sandals, and she smirked.

"Don't tell me you don't recognize me. Spoonerville Yacht Club, holiday dinner banquet, 1996?"

Bradley blinked, suddenly realizing that she was sizing him up, too. He wasn't sure if he liked being assessed like a piece of real estate. But then it hit him. "Frenchie Dritz?"

She scoffed. "Frenchie is soooooo 'when Grease was in'. Now it's Fritzie." Giggling, she bent down to pick up her box.

Ohh, thank you for wearing that top - thank you for not bending your knees to pick up that box. Bradley smirked. "Ah, yes. Okay. Fritzie. So - what exactly brings you to this dorm? I would have thought someone as equally sophisticated as myself would have joined a sorority."

"Well ... they put me here," Fritzie admitted. "I didn't really have a choice. And I hear you got in some admirably well-deserved trouble?"

"X-games. Yeah. Everyone knows about that, I guess... why don't you stop over to my room for a second, huh? We can catch up. I can help you move in." And maybe watch you pick up a few more boxes.

"Sounds good." She promptly shoved her cardboard box into his hands. "You can carry the boxes. My back is killing me."

Bradley groaned.

"Hey!" came a voice down the hall. "We could use some help, too!" Hady called jokingly. "Sparky's got enough junk to fill two or three dorm rooms."

"Well shoot," the other girl limped into the hall, "what do you expect? The place is the size of a walk-in closet."

"You can see how well we're gonna get along, right?" Hady grinned, approaching.

"Y'know, that speaker really hurt. Here." Sparky followed and thunked a fist over her heart, none too gently either. Hady only rolled her eyes. She was tall and slim, but had the unmistakably sturdy build of an athlete. Short, gleaming, honey colored hair flowed around her shoulders. She wore a black leather jacket over her hunter green t-shirt and blue jeans over a set of bulky combat boots.

Sparky, on the other hand, was bulky all over with the exception of her arms. She was an avian, and shaped somewhat like a penguin. Much of her long brown hair was pulled back in a barrette, her bangs overhanging a pair of round, bespectacled eyes.

"Hey there, neighbors!" Sparky greeted. "Need some help? Stron-g like bool." She imitated a Russian accent while striking a bodybuilder pose.

"I'm Hady," she introduced herself, extending a hand. "This is Sparky. She enjoys making a total geek of herself."

"Hey, now!"

"I see..." Bradley started. "And why, may I ask, are you called 'Sparky'?"

"Long story involving a ceiling fan and a screwdriver. I'm sure you don't want to hear about it."

Bradley blinked, looking both girls over. Typical substance free dorm geeks, he decided. Smirking at Fritzie, he promptly walked over and leant on Hady's shoulder. "So. You don't drink. You don't smoke. .... What do you do?"

Fritzie giggled. "Crunch numbers, watch tv, read books."

"Play sports," Hady snapped, shoving Bradley off her shoulder. "And hands off or I'm using you for a tetherball."

Bradley whistled, dusting off his cardigan. "Wellllllll! I guess we've got ourselves some feisty neighbors, eh, Fritz?"

Fritzie giggled. "Yep."

Bradley shifted Fritzie's box onto his hip and smirked. "So. Where are you?"

"Oh, we're right down at the end of the --" Sparky began, only to be elboweed unceremoniously by Hady.

"Over here," Fritzie cooed, pointing to the door across from his.

"Cool. Okay... um ... geez. What've you got in here?" Bradley quickly shifted the box onto his other hip with a grunt.

"I'll show you later."

"Um, okay."

"Contraband silicone," Hady whispered to Sparky, winking.

Sparky blinked. "I don't get it..."

Fritzie whirled around, the key to her door in her hand as her hair whipped around her shoulders. "I heard that ...!"

"Heard what?" Hady asked. She arched her eyebrows and grinned innocently while Sparky remained thoroughly confused.

Fritzie sent an icy glare Hady's way through slitted eyes. "C'mon..." she growled at Bradley as she glided into her room.

Bradley extended a hand towards Sparky. "Great to meet you gals, really! Maybe we'll meet again sometime."

"Yeah, maybe..." Hady muttered.

"That'd be cool." Sparky offered a friendly grin.

Bradley flashed a winning smile at them, then trailed after Fritzie like a puppy dog. Hady's grin faded into a frown as she crossed her arms.

"C'mon," she nodded to Sparky. "We've still got junk to unload."

"Y'know, we never got their names..." Sparky said, jumping onto her cot-like bed.

"I don't think we'll need to." Hady answered from the floor. She was attempting to detangle their television from a VCR and a stereo. She paused and furrowed her brow. "I wonder what he's doing here."

"Who, that guy?"

"Yeah, that guy. Who else?"

"No need to snap..." Sparky glanced over her book at Hady.

Ignoring her, Hady continued. "He wouldn't touch a place like this with a ten mile pole." She mused, rubbing her chin.

"You sound like you know him." Sparky shifted so she was now on her stomach facing Hady, her feet propped up on the headboard.

"I know of him. Don't you?"

Sparky only shook her head.

"That was Bradley Uppercrust III. Five time X-Games champion."

"Wait; wait...the Bradley Uppercrust III? The one who was caught cheating and endangering lives?"

"No, the one who works at McDonald's. YES, that Bradley. You watch out for him, he's a slime."

"Really?" Sparky looked doubtful. "He seemed really nice."

"Nice enough to toss you over the edge of a cliff..." she sighed and continued her work on the jumble of cables and wires. "Looks can be deceiving, my friend."

Meanwhile, Fritzie busied herself with unpacking her clothes as Bradley struggled to heft her computer monitor up on her desk. "Do you like this shirt? I brought it, but I'm not sure if I should wear it."

Bradley blinked. There's, like, a quarter of a yard of fabric on that thing. And she has to ask if I like it? "Uh, yeah, that's nice, I guess. How big is this monitor? 19 inch?"

"That's about right, yeah." Fritzie nodded. "I like big things."

Bradley gulped. "Right."

"So, how's your dad? Still getting away with those evasionary tactics Mumsy taught him?" Fritzie grinned. "I swear, they work like a charm. The IRS can kiss my butt."

"Yeah, they're workin', alright," Bradley nodded with a smirk. "Haven't had to pay at least 75% of our taxes since. I'm likin' it."

"Sweet," Fritzie grinned. "So you're still Big Dog On Campus?"

"Well … not as much as I used to be. But I'll remedy that soon enough!" Bradley puffed out his chest proudly, then set about hooking up Franchesca's scanner and printer. "You've got more wires here than a supercomputer."

"Don't forget the ZIP drive and the USB for my digital camera. And my MP3 player."

Geez. She's got more stuff than I do. "Right."

"So how about those girls, huh?" Fritzie giggled, putting a pair of Daisy Duke shorts in her dresser. "Total geekazoids."

Bradley chuckled. "Yeah, really. Who's clumsy enough to drop a speaker?"

"And did you see that other girl? You could land fighter planes on that beak of hers!!"

"Hm," he replied with a lopsided smirk. "At least they won't be loud or obnoxious."

"Leave that to us, right?" Fritzie giggled, plugging in her stereo. Loud bubblegum pop music issued from the speakers and she began to sing along raucously. "Oops - you think I'm in looooooove…. Thaat I'm sent from a-BOOOOOOOve…."

Bradley snickered. Should I tell her she's tone deaf? "So, do you know either of those gals?"

"Why would I?" She scoffed.

"You were looking at the blonde funny," Bradley observed. "Kinda like how I get when I see that Goof kid."

"Oh - Hadassah," Fritzie mocked, rolling her eyes. "She's just some jocky girl I played tennis against a couple years ago. Back in high school. While you were fortunate enough to go to Cuillere Academy and play with the best, I had to go to - ugh! - public school and stick it oout with amateurs. She's the sorriest excuse for an athlete I've ever seen. Didn't even know how to hold the racket!"

Bradley smirked devilishly. "So you kicked her butt?"

"All the way into next week," Fritzie chuckled, pulling stacks of romance novels from her bag and setting them up on the shelf in her closet.

"Heh heh. So …" Bradley raised an eyebrow. "Wanna go for lunch? There's a café down the street. We can ditch the college dweebs."

"I don't have my money with me - Mumsy's mailing me some this week."

Bradley smirked. "I'll pay. Not a problem."

"Ooooh. …. So …" She cooed, sidling up to him.

"Yeah?"

"If I'm a good girl…" Fritzie pushed her hair off her shoulders and sat down in his lap, "… will you take me shopping, too?"

Bradley raised an eyebrow, slipping an arm around her waist. "We'll have to see." Maybe this substance free dorm thing won't be so bad…

"'The meta-analysis also showed that gender differences in" yawn "spatial ability have......have decreased.....in recent...years'.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." The $86 psychology book drooped, then fell roughly onto the floor with a loud thud.

Sparky sat bolt upright. "Wha-?! Huh?" She groaned irritably and fumbled around the edge of the bed for the tome.

"Welcome back to the world of the living." Hady said from across the room. Popsicle in one hand and Sports Illustrated in the other, she added, "Y'know, you really shouldn't study in bed. Stuff like sleeping happens."

"This is nothing." She finally grasped the book and flung it up onto the bed. "Have you seen the anatomy books? Three of them, this thick." Sparky held her fingers two inches apart. "And that's only the lecture. I don't want to cut up any cat!"

"Would you rather cut up a person? I mean it'd be a lot more accurate, considering you're taking people anatomy." She pointed her Popsicle at Sparky to punctuate her validity.

"Gross, Hady." She stretched and got up, removing her glasses and polishing them on her shirt. "Boy, it's sad how much I need these." She commented, glancing around the fuzzy room before putting them back on. "Know what? I'm hungry."

Hadassah raised an eyebrow. Normally, the opposite statement was made after discussing the dissection of cats and people. But then, this was...Sparky. "Wanna go to the grocery store?" Sparky asked, "I need to get some of my microwavable spinach soofle."

"Your what?"

"Soufflé..."

"I know, I thought you really meant 'soofle'."

"No." Sparky scoffed, folding her arms, "I'm not stupid. Remind me never to play with words when I'm around you."

"Will do." She said, tossing the bare Popsicle stick into a trash can and the magazine onto her bed. "C'mon, let's go. I need to pick up a few things myself."

"Bradley?" Fritzie cooed, as they pulled his Chrysler LHS into the parking lot of the Shop'n'Pay just down the street from the campus.

"Yah?"

"I've got an idea."

"Oh really."

"Uh huh." Fritzie giggled, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him towards the store. "I wanna get us something to drink."

"Soda?"

"No!" Fritzie smirked, waggling a finger at him as she directed him towards the back of the grocery store. Lowering her voice to a mischievous whisper, she gestured to the shelves in front of them. "This."

"Wine coolers? In a substance free dorm?" Bradley snickered. "Sounds like a good scheme, but how would we do it?"

"Simple. Those soda bottles down there look the same. Buy some of each, swap labels." She grinned, slipping a pair of four-packs into a shopping cart. "And ah … you're 21, right?"

"Barely," Bradley replied.

"Good, I left my fake ID at home. Go get me some soda."

Bradley sighed. "Why can't I carry the wine cooler?"

She shot him a glare. "Soda!"

Blinking, Bradley backed up a few steps, then swiped a basket from the stack at the end of the aisle and stalked off. She's bossing me around! …. Huh. Typical girlfriend behavior. Oh well. Least she's cute. Really cute. I mean … wow, cute. As he rounded the corner to the beverage aisle, he heard voices.

"Hey, look. Survey for yogurt."

"So?" Hadassah blinked, watching as her roommate plucked the paper out from its holder and whipped a pencil out from her ponytail.

"Age? 54." Sparky giggled. "How much do I spend on yogurt a week? Mmmm…. $467. What's my favorite flavor? Hmm, let's see. Something strange…" She paused, tapping her foot as she nibbled on the end of her pencil. "FISHSTICK! Oooh! Yes. Fishstick yogurt. There!" With a decisive nod, she slipped the paper into the deposit box.

"That's just wicked," Bradley smirked, striding up to them. "I like it."

"Oh! Mr, uh…"

"Dudley Topdrawer the 4th, right?" Hady ventured, trying to suppress a smirk.

Bradley stared at her incredulously before regaining his cool. "I'm sorry, I never formally introduced myself, did I? Bradley," he said coolly, nodding his head in a sort of mini-bow. "Bradley Uppercrust the Third."

"Close 'nuff," Hady shrugged. "Come on, Sparky, we got stuff to do."

"But I wanna fill out more surveys."

Hady gave Sparky a look over her armload of microwave dinners. "Come on."

"Let me give you a hand with that." Bradley swept the dinners out of Hady's arms and into the basket he'd been carrying. "There you go. Much easier that way. Don't want to waste those tennis-player arms on fast food, now do we?"

Hady squinted at him suspiciously. "How did you know I play tennis…?"

"BraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadLEY!" Franchesca screeched, heading down the aisle towards him. "Where's the soda? And why are you talking to these geekazoids??"

"We're not geekazoids, hairspray head," Hady snapped. "Besides, aren't you the no-brains I whupped at tennis a couple years back, from Spoonerville High?"

Bradley shot Fritzie a questioning look, and she snorted. "I can beat you at anything, anytime," she replied. "I think you've got a bad memory."

"I'd remember a 31-0 loss, I think," Hady sniffed, "but you're on. Anything."

"There's a pool table downstairs," Bradley volunteered, casting a glance at Sparky. "Why don't we play teams?"

"Uppercrust and Dritz against the Geekazoids," Fritzie smirked. "I like it. We'll meet you there."

Sparky broke into a trot to catch up with Hady, who was practically goose-stepping her way down to the game room. "Hady," she said in a low voice, "you know I stink at pool. I mean I supremely suck at it."

"That's ok." She answered eyes fixed ahead of her. "Just do your best."

"F'you say so..." Sparky had the impression that this was no friendly little game. It was ok to suck at those. No, this looked more like an ego thing, some kind of competition whose outcome would automatically make the winner better than the loser at every sport known to man.

Hady's eyes flitted over the selection of cue sticks and came to rest on a handsome one near the middle. She snatched it up and approached the table. Bradley was more deliberate in his choosing of a cue. He took his time analyzing each one carefully.

"Today, Uppercut!" Hady snapped.

He sent an irritated glance behind him and plucked a stick from the rack. Fritzie chose her cue in a similar fashion, though not entirely clear on what she was looking for in one. As for Sparky, she didn't even pretend to know what she was doing. She just grabbed one.

"Who's got ¢75?" Hady asked.

Sparky held a few coins in the palm of her hand. "I've got a quarter...and three pennies." Bradley dug in a pocket and produced two shiny quarters, wordlessly flipping both onto the table.

"¢75 is outrageous." Sparky commented, leaning on her cue as Hady shoved the sliding slot in. When it came back out, their money had magically disappeared into the depths of the pool table.

"They'd probably make a whole lot more money lowering the price to say... ¢50, or even ¢25," She continued, not realizing that her wisdom was falling on deaf ears. "'Cause I mean, people like me'll come in here and say '¢75? That's outrageous! I'm gonna go buy my own pool table!'. Yeah...lowering the price would probably earn them lots more customers..."

"Your turn, Sparky."

"Hm? Oh..." she stepped up to the table and scrutinized the placement of the balls. She finally chose what looked to be an easy shot, but for the fact that...

"We're stripes, Sparky. Stripes. Stripes!"

"Woah! Whoops, ok, ok, sorry..."

"Call it, Sparky."

"'K, I want that blue one in..... this corner pocket." She took careful aim, sliding the cue back and forth before deciding she needed some talcum powder first. She glanced up at the murmurs of impatience and tried to concentrate.

click THUD

A scratch. Straight and even, the cue ball hadn't even bounced off of anything. Sparky blinked in surprise, then turned away from the table dejectedly. "That was sad even for me..."

Bradley and Fritzie exchanged smirks, then Bradley stepped up to the table, chalking his cue deliberately.

"Psst... What's the chalk do?" Sparky whispered.

"It helps to grip the ball better."

Sparky blinked. After a short pause, she snickered.

"Oh, grow up..."

Leaning down over the table, Bradley began to line up a shot. "Red ball in the center left, ladies," he announced. "And maybe a few surprises along the way…" As he slid the stick back and forth smoothly between his fingers, powering up for his shot, he stopped and looked up at Sparky. "Hey. Kid." Standing back up, he walked over to her. "I see your problem."

Bradleeeey!" Fritzie hissed.

"Just hold your horses, Fritz. You know what, Sparkster?"

"What?" She stammered, staring at him in half-awe, half intimidation.

"You're holding the cue backwards - and left handed. But I saw you were a righty in the supermarket. Here. Go ahead; try to line up a shot. I'll show you."

"Uh … okay," Sparky shrugged, leaning over the pool table. As she went to line up her shot as usual, she gasped as she felt Bradley lean up behind her, reaching his hands around to touch her arms. "Um…"

"You're good. Just turn it around…." He grasped the other end of the pool cue and helped her turn it, then reached around and took her hand. "Put it between your fingers … like that …"

"Ummm…" Sparky stuttered, looking over at Hady helplessly. Her comrade shrugged.

"Okay. Cool. Can you slide it around okay? Try it." Bradley stepped back, then watched as Sparky effortlessly twirled the cue between her fingers. "Aha! See that? Much better." He patted her on the shoulder and headed back to his end of the table. "Now all you have to do is watch and learn!"

Hady blinked as Sparky stood back up, staring after Bradley. "Whoa," she breathed. "Was it just me or…"

"…did he just help you?" Hady augmented.

"…is he cute," Sparky finished under her breath. "I mean geez. And … and … like you said. He helped me. Maybe he's not a cheater like you said, eh Hady? Maybe he's changed…"

Hady screwed up her face into a scowl of suspicion as she watched Bradley and Fritzie holding their own huddle. "Don't be so sure, Sparks…."

"Bradley. What were you doing?" Fritzie hissed.

"Don't sweat it, Fritz. Got it all under control. Leave it to the Gamma House pool champeen." Bradley winked, sliding a hand down her shoulder before reassuming his position by the red solid ball. After sighting up his shot once more, he sent the cue ball careening across the table, knocking balls every which way. One, two, three, four - and the red ball made five solid shots, slinking demurely into the left center pocket with an audible thock. "I did say to watch out for surprises, didn't I?"

Fritzie smirked at Bradley, running her fingers along his neck briefly before chalking up her cue. "Nice moves, Bradley," she purred, leaning over the pool table. "Seven in the right corner," she announced. Yet as she struck the ball, it bounced just shy of the pocket, sending it skittering down to the center of the table. "...Ugh!"

"Hm." Hady smirked. She held wordlessly held out a hand to the side and Sparky handed her a cue. "Let's take a gander at what we got here..." She scanned the table. "Four in the right center." She didn't even move the cue back and forth, but simply gave the cue ball a good one swing whack and sank the four. She strolled around the corner, eying another ball. "Three in the left corner." Another swipe later and the three had disappeared. She continued this way for three more balls until she landed the eight ball precariously in front of a pocket, blocking an easy shot for Bradley.

Bradley frowned. "Well," he said at last, folding his arms. "You're quite good. But I believe it's Miss Sparky's turn?"

Hady glowered at him. "Don't...touch...that.... ball." she whispered to Sparky.

"Um...all right. No touchy...eight ball." She frowned at the table as though by doing so it would cooperate. She finally leaned over the table and sent the cue flying right over several balls. It smacked into a six, landing it in a pocket. "Wow..." She stood straight. "Well, that wasn't what I meant to do, but it works."

Hady sighed. "Sorry, Sparky. Didn't call it. Their turn."

Bradley sighed, putting on a look that almost didn't show its mockery of concern. "Well, sorry, but that's how the game goes, ladies." Checking the tip of his cue once more, he stepped up and surveyed the situation. "Well ... can't help that you're one ball closer - but I'll fix that. How many've I got left..."

Fritzie leant on her pool cue, shaking her head. "We've got two left."

Hady bit her lip. "One for us. Then the eight."

"Two?" Bradley checked, then nodded. Tough shots, too - especially with that eight in my way! Well, I can do it. And if I can't, I bet Fritz can. He sighted up his shot once more. "Green ball in the center left."

"But Bradley!" Fritzie whined. "You can't do that! There's no way!"

Bradley shot a glare at her over his shoulder. "TRUST me." Viciously, he jabbed at the ball with the cue, sending it shooting in the absolute opposite direction from the pocket. It zoomed across the table, forming a crazy star pattern of lines before landing neatly in the designated pocket.

"Like, wow," Fritzie breathed, leaning over his back to peer over his shoulders. "Where'd you learn that?"

Bradley cast a quick glance at Sparky. "Geometry," he replied, handing Fritzie her cue. "You've got a good easy layout for the two in the corner. Just watch out for the eight," he cautioned, pointing.

Fritzie nodded, chalking up her cue once more before leaning over the table, the low cut of her jeans showing off a few inches of her back. Bradley lowered his eyes from the table just long enough to miss Fritzie taking her shot, yet looked up in time to see her angle go wide. He winced miserably as the ball slid perfectly towards the pocket ... yet the cue ball had tapped another ball on its way, and the deadly eight ball flopped into the pocket instants before the two-ball hit its mark.

"We win!" Fritzie whooped.

"Uh..." Bradley curled his upper lip in chagrin. "You scratched the eight, Fritz."

"Do-over, then!" She snapped.

"HA!!" Hady cheered. "You loooose!" She pointed to Fritzie, then to Bradley with the same taunt. "You loooose!"

"Hey, c'mon, that looked like it was a tough shot." Sparky said. "'Sides, it was a really close game."

"Don't you know how to celebrate a victory?" Hady asked in bewilderment. "They lost, and we won! No thanks to Ditzy Fritzy, there..."

Indeed, Bradley seemed to be shooting Franchesca his own look of disapproval. "I thought you said you kicked her butt," he hissed.

"Well...."

"I DID beat you at tennis, and I beat you at pool. And I can beat you at any other game!"

"Fritzie, I can't see how," he continued, staring her down. "Did you lie?"

"Well, duh," Fritzie confessed. "Course I did! That's what people like us like to hear, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he replied, glancing over at the victors before setting his pool cue back on the rack. "Till next time, girls. Savor the flavor."

"I'm quite used to it, thank you." Hady grinned, twirling her cue before putting it away.

"M'quite used t'it, thank yew," Fritzie tossed her head back and forth, imitating Hady in a simpering falsetto as she headed upstairs. "Coming, Bradley?"

Bradley watched her intently, and then bit his lip. "Well ... yeah." Smirking, he jogged up the stairs after her.

"I'll see if I can't find something for us to do that'll make up for that loss," Fritzie called over her shoulder. "After all, there's the stuff we bought in the fridge...."

Sparky gaped. "I've never seen you so determined, Hady. What happened?"

"Oh... It's that Fritz girl. She's so pretentious... Can't stand her."

"I see...so a display of physical prowess somehow solves your differences?"

"YES. ….Oh gross..." Hady murmured.

"What, what??"

"Did you see that? Just then?" Hady pointed to the now vacant set of stairs.

"They left. So?"

Hady raised an eyebrow at Sparky. "Did you see how Brad was acting?"

Sparky shrugged. "Nothing special. Why?"

Hady chuckled to herself. "Fritz has really done it this time. She's got him wrapped around her expensively manicured pinky."

"Really?"

"Y'didn't see? He glanced back here, then followed her just like a trained animal!"

"Woahhhhh..." Sparky breathed. "Freaky..."

"No kidding. Bradley Uppercrust III. Heh... He is in for a ruuuuuude awakening..." Hady shook her head slowly.

A week passed, and Hady grew increasingly nauseated as Bradley became more and more attached to Franchesca. There wasn't a time the two of them were seen apart - usually, the two of them were sighted at the area's best restaurants and shops, Bradley towing the bags and footing all the bills while Fritzie promenaded in front of him, primping.

"This is getting sad," Sparky frowned, drumming her fingers on her desk.

"What, the amount of homework I've got?" Hady quipped, gesturing to the tower of books at her side.

"No… Bradley and Fritz. He's like a puppy or something."

"He's such a total toadie. It does him good after bossing people around like he did last year." Hady replied firmly, opening her British Literature book. "Okay, Oscar Wilde, here goes." She put her pencil to paper, then jumped as a loud crash resounded from down the hall.

"BRADLEY!"

"Uh oh," Hady snickered.

"Bradley, what did you go and drop that for? I just bought it!"

Bradley sighed, setting down the myriad bags in his arms before picking up the sack he had dropped. "You mean I bought it for you…"

"Right. You're such a great guy, you know that?" Franchesca cooed, patting his cheek before extracting an expensive bottle of perfume from one bag and sousing herself in it.

Bradley coughed. "Right … um, Fritzie, while you go put this away, I'm gonna go do some 'boarding."

"Ugh, fine, go do your guy stuff and scrape up your knees and your elbows… ick. Like, later."

He shrugged, then headed out of her room and across the hall into his own. Grabbing his helmet and skateboard, Bradley snatched his wallet from the top of his dresser and tucked it into the pocket of his khakis. I really gotta get some air… He shook his head, tucking his board under his arm as he descended the stairs.

Pushing the front door open at the bottom of the stairwell, Bradley stepped out into the afternoon sunshine, strapping his helmet onto his head and rolling calmly down the campus roadways, taking in the routine sights as he hummed to himself. Gathering up momentum on a corner, he did a quick turn in the air and smiled contently as the board connected with the pavement with a loud clack. I've still got it. Good. I just wish there were a team good enough to join up with. … A team that would want me after last year. And I'm not about to go kissing Goof's feet over it, either!

With a disgusted snort, Bradley found himself skateboarding towards the edge of campus and down through the village, past the shops that he and Fritzie had just returned from. Man, Fritzie's a gorgeous girl, but she's really sapping my resources… He frowned, then blinked in surprise as a growl issued from his stomach. "Hmm," he said aloud, feeling a dry rasp catch at the back of his throat. I'm hungry. Thirsty, too… With a half-smile, he reached into his pocket and checked his wallet, all the while maintaining control of his skateboard and swerving around the people on the sidewalk, feeling their disapproving eyes on his back. After replacing his money, he turned his sights towards the Bean Scene at the end of the street.

"Dah!" Sparky growled. "Hideous Blue Screen of Death!" She hissed at the monitor.

"T's a matter?" Hady asked around a corn chip. "Didn't lose anything, did you?"

"'Press any key.'" Sparky answered. "What it means is 'Press the Any key, which we don't supply keyboards with anyway.'"

"I'll take that as a yes. Sorry, Sparky. Hey, you need a break, you've been in front of that document for hours."

"No, no! I've gotta finish this paper!" She squinted at the monitor, leaning in closely as her fingers flew across the keyboard, trying to fix the temperamental machine.

"Come on, Sparky, I know you save like...every two minutes. Let's go out somewheres, I'm bored. Kinda peckish, to boot."

Sparky heaved a sigh and sat back in her chair. "Well...I suppose. I want to just finish it now that I'm so close... But ok, I guess I could use a break. Where do you want to go?"

"There's a nifty looking little place a few minutes driving from here. Called the Bean Scene." Hady answered as she pulled on her leather coat.

"The Bean Scene? Sounds like a coffee joint." Sparky stood up and stretched. "I hate coffee."

"I'm sure they have more than just coffee. Hurry it up."

"Yeah, I'm coming..." Sparky wrestled with a deep crimson button down sweater. "Beautiful, huh?" She held her arms out, displaying the garment. "Brand new..."

"Yeah, lovely. Let's go."

"Geez, didn't even look at it. T's got these little embroidered maple leaves and everything." She grumbled, following Hady out the door.

"Here we go!" Hady announced, pulling into a parking spot by the road. "Le Scene de Bean."

"It looks.....odd." Sparky commented. She locked the door, as was her habit-even if she'd left the keys in the car.

The inside was certainly something different from what Sparky was used to. It was fairly dark, with blue hues cast everywhere. The two of them looked around.

"Shoot, the place is stuffed." Hady murmured.

"Over there." Sparky pointed to one lonely table, the only unoccupied one in the restaurant. They scooted over before it could be taken and settled into the cushiony booth.

"Nice place... So, let's take a look at what they've got to offer..." Hady opened a menu.

On the other end of the room, Bradley pulled off his helmet and kicked his skateboard up into his hands, scanning the restaurant. "Hmm." After a moment, he spotted the girls' booth. From his angle, it appeared to be empty, and he smiled triumphantly as he slid into the leather-covered seats.

"'Scuse you, Mr. Man." a voice beside him growled. Hady glowered at him darkly.

Sparky only grinned "Hey. Velcomen."

Looking up, Bradley issued an almost effeminate shriek of surprise. "Hey! What are you doing here? This is my booth," he stuttered, slowly regaining his cool.

"Ohhhh. Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't know it was your booth." Hady feigned an apologetic attitude. "We would've sat on the floor!"

Sparky watched, undecided as to what she should be thinking.

Bradley sniffed. "Well, it isn't too late to borrow some pillows."

"Go away, Uppercrust." Hady said dryly. "You're befouling our air."

"Hady, there's nowhere else to sit in here." Sparky interceded.

"Good."

Looking back and forth between the two girls, Bradley sighed in frustration. "I suddenly get the feeling you're just as stubborn as I am," he observed flatly.

Hady made a face. "Don't insult me with a comparison!"

"Geez, guys, settle down. The booth is plenty big, isn't it? I mean it's made for like, six people." Sparky glanced at Hady. "We can certainly fit in three..."

Hady said nothing. She only sulked in acquiescence.

Bradley merely sniffed in response, snatching a menu and surveying it for an instant before setting it back down and snapping his fingers towards a passing waitress. "Garcon!"

She sauntered up to him and leant on the table, staring him down. "Garcon means boy," she muttered, taking his menu. "Whaddaya want?"

"Mocha berry latte, double cream, double eye-opener. And chocolate biscotti. Fresh one, I don't want those day old rocks."

Sparky and Hady exchanged a glance. "Picky, aren't we?" Hady commented. "I'm gonna need a blueberry muffin and a frappuchino. Sparky?"

"I want a scone, please. I don't care what kind, as long as it's not peach. That, and....a soda. Mr. Pibb. Thanks." She handed her menu over. "So." She grinned at Bradley from across the table, "What brings you here?"

"And without le Fritz..." Hady observed.

Bradley blinked morosely. "I'm hungry. She's busy."

"O-kaaay..." Sparky looked somewhat uncomfortable. Why does nobody talk?

"Mm. I bet she's busy. How's your wallet holding up?" Hady finally said. "Does it weep yet?"

This produced a reaction of monolithic proportions. Bradley groaned, slapping a palm down on the table. "If she asks me for one more pointless thing ..."

Hady chuckled and elbowed Sparky. "I'm surprised he can afford lunch..."

"Dude... Where do you get all this money?" Sparky asked, "I want in."

Bradley shrugged. "Family, really," he explained. "I mean, summer job money goes for books and stuff but - I've got a lot I can fall back on." Blinking, he looked at Sparky critically. "Why do you wanna know?

Sparky raised an eyebrow. "Money good." She said simply. "Want money."

"Doesn't everybody?" Hady murmured.

"Pretty much," he admitted. "But... I dunno. I'm sick of her leeching off of me, and ..." His voice trailed off as the waitress set down their drinks and pastries. "WHY am I telling you???"

Sparky shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not even sure we asked."

As Bradley turned away for a split second to acknowledge the waitress, Hady nudged Sparky again. "Take off your glasses..." she hissed.

"Why?"

"Do it."

As Sparky removed her glasses, the room not only became indiscernible, but more vivid. She realized in horror that they had fogged up considerably.

".... and this had better be hot," Bradley finished, accepting his receipt before turning to his latte. "I swear," he muttered, "the attitude you get from waitstaff..."

Sparky bit her lip and wiped them off, setting them farther down her beak to avoid further embarrassment. "So...so Fritzie spends your money as long as she knows you have it."

Bradley tugged slightly at his collar before sipping at his drink. "Lukewarm," he pronounced disdainfully. "....Uh, yeah, pretty much, the little ..." His voice trailed off to a mutter, streaming quiet expletives as he stirred the whipped cream into his drink.

"Uhh... Maybe this is a dumb idea. But the simplest solution is often the right one, no?" Sparky started, averting her gaze to look off to the side. "Why not transfer your money to another account?"

Bradley stared at her for a moment in awe, his eyes wide. Without warning, he leaned forward over the table and kissed her on the tip of her beak. "Thank you!" He exulted, relief etched on every feature of his face. "That's got to be the most brilliant thing I've ever heard!"

Sparky blinked rapidly, trying to process the sudden turn of events. "Whoa," she remarked, turning to Hady - who was trying vigilantly not to turn green, "that was pretty cool. I'll have to save him money more often!"

Glancing at Hady, Bradley merely rolled his eyes before continuing. "Now, how am I supposed to do this without her knowing?"

"Well," Sparky replied, "she can't possibly be with you every waking moment!"

"She knows people," Bradley said ominously. "Got eyes everywhere."

Sparky frowned. "I'm...I'm sorry, you fried what few precious brain cells I had left. Uh...ok. How about you tell her you're going to ... the library? Someone like her - granted the stereotype withstands the test - can't possibly have friends who would go anywhere near a library. That's where you're going. But instead, find yourself an ATM."

Bradley frowned, staring into his mochaberry latte. It's a good plan. It really is. Implementing it is going to be tough, though - by myself, that is. I can't con her on my own. I'm going to need help. And it looks like, unfortunately, this is the only help available. .... As much as I hate to leech off of a pair of Geekazoids ... He grabbed Sparky by the arm, pulling her out of the booth after him. "You're coming with me."

"Hey!" Hady protested, springing to her feet. "Friendnapper!"

"I guess you can come too," Bradley decided. "Your insults could keep her at bay."

"Gee, thanks." Hady muttered. "I'm supposed to be the cynical bystander here..."

"Hey, if your quick wit doesn't dazzle Fritz, your buffness will." Sparky smirked. "Buff Girl."

Hady pointed a finger at her. "Don't even start."

Bradley put on his most charming smile, looking over at her. "What's the matter? I think your athleticism is stunning. You're the only person I've ever met who's even come close to being the equal to my prowess...!"

She raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Now that's the first time I've ever heard someone define 'magnet' with the word 'prowess'."

"Now wait a minute, Hadassah, my dear. There wasn't any way I could cheat at pool. Seriously. And you almost kicked my butt."

"Really? And stop calling me 'dear'." Hady paused. "Sparky, do I take that as a compliment?"

She shrugged helplessly. "You're asking me?"

"I'll take that as a yes."

Bradley tapped his foot slowly, looking around the café. "I thought you said we were going to the ATM. .... Fine, then, Hady. I apologize..."

Hady blinked, looking over at Bradley in shock. "What was that? Did you just say...you apologize?! Mr. Uppercrust, I didn't think you capable. Apology accepted."

Wincing, Bradley suddenly spotted Fritzie at the coffee bar and pulled both of the girls out the door. "GladyouacceptHadylet'sGO!"

Hady frowned cynically. "Well geez, try and fit a moment in…"

Outside on the sidewalk, Bradley let out a sigh of relief. "Okay. Now that that's done with … Ahem. Look, I'm terribly sorry for calling you that, Hady - I should have thought. God knows I don't like being called Brad. So at any rate... I humbly apologize." He nodded solemnly. They better buy this.

Thunderstruck, Hady stared at him, working her lips silently for a moment before finding words. "Bradley Uppercrust III....? Humble? I didn't think I'd live to see the day! Wow...um... It's ok. I don't mind that much. It's just annoyingly repetitive." And slightly suspicious....

Looping his arms amiably around their shoulders, Bradley led the two of them off down the sidewalk. "Ladies, let me tell you something. You're about to save me something much more valuable. My sanity."

Sparky giggled. "Sanity? Who needs that?" An awkward silence ensued, and she coughed. "So you really despise that girl, huh?"

Bradley put a hand to his chin, thinking it over. "Fear would be a better word, actually."

"Fear?!" Sparky blurted. "Well I know her great figure might be a little intimidating..."

"He's not a girl, Sparky," Hady pointed out dryly.

"Yeah, I know. BOY, do I know... " She replied under her breath. "Anyways, I assume your little problem will be gone once she thinks your cash flow has run dry."

"I hope you're right." Bradley smiled at her. " So. Um. We gonna go find that ATM?"

"Guess so. Uh...you know where it is? 'Cause I have to cash my checks at work, and the money just kinda...goes from there."

"Yup," Hady agreed, making a sweeping motion with her hand. "Fwoop, right into Taco Bell or Wal Mart."

"I think it's down this way," Bradley pointed down the hill.

"There is nothing, I reiterate, nothing, wrong with Taco Bell. *ahem* Right. Ok. .......Why am I going again?"

Bradley blinked. "The ATM? Leave it to me." He raised an eyebrow at her. "You've... never done this before?"

Sparky shook her head. "No, I only have one account." She paused, staring intently at him. "Er…. What do you mean by 'this'…?"

Hady groaned. "Sparky, please…"

Bradley coughed. "So … let's find that ATM, shall we?"

Hady snickered. "Should I leave you two alone?"

"No," Bradley said firmly. "We need moral support. And buffness if Fritzie finds me."

Sparky gaped at him. "Moral support? You can't do that on your own? A big, powerful, vain guy like yourself needs moral support from a dumpy penguin-like thing?" She gestured to herself and then threw back her head, laughing hysterically.

"And I'm not your bodyguard," Hady added.

Bradley stared at them incredulously, folding his arms.

"Hey, I'm not refusing!" Sparky interjected, holding up her hands defensively. "I just find it funny."

"Nevermind," Bradley muttered. "Let's go."

As they headed off down the sidewalk, Sparky leant over towards her roommate. "You oughta lend 'im your protection for a little while, he said he was sorry. And in a most gentlemanly manner, no less."

With a heavy sigh, Hady set her steps after him. "Yeah. I guess. We'll see..."

Sparky smiled lopsidedly, pointing out Bradley a few paces ahead, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his khakis. "Awwwwww, he's brooding. Cute, huh?"

Hady blinked. "You always find ticked off guys cute?"

Sparky shrugged, jogging up to meet him. "Hey Bradley, what's the matter?"

She's asking me that, of all things? ... Geekazoids, last time I checked, weren't known to be social. He looked her up and down skeptically. "Can I trust you?" He said finally.

Sedated, Sparky blinked owlishly. "Uh...I'd have to say yes. ........Why?"

Bradley shrugged, sighing irritably. "It's just that .... people laugh a lot lately. They never used to." He paused, scowling, disturbed. "I've never been laughed at before."

"Laughed at?" Sparky mused. "If you mean Hady, I can get her to quit it."

"Strangely," Bradley admitted, "she doesn't bug me."

Sparky giggled. "Really? She bugs me." Slowly, she studied Bradley's face. "Dude...you look really creeped out. What's to laugh at? So you cheated and got kicked out, that...just doesn't strike me as funny."

"I don't know." Bradley kicked idly at the cement. "I've always stretched things so they worked out my way. Trouble was always seen as a fun thing with my family. Everyone loved me, you know. Then I get caught and they all act like I'm .. I dunno."

"So wait, wait." Sparky waved her hands, trying to sort things out. "Your family? Like....everyone, including you, is doing the same thing, then they all turn around when you're caught? That's not right."

"I didn't say my family turned," Bradley clarified. "They could care less what I do."

"Ouch," Sparky winced. "I can't exactly empathize because I've never been as popular as you, but …. Bradley, I ah...I'm sorry."

After a moment of silence, Bradley issued her a lopsided smile. "Thanks. You know, you're lucky. Sometimes I think having nothing to lose is being richer than having everything to lose." He paused, realizing what he was saying, then shook his head in frustration. Augh! Uppercrust, what are you saying? "But I'm talking stupid again. Tell me to shut up anytime."

"No, you're good. You've stood tall before, you can do it again."

"Um…" Bradley stammered. Come on, Uppercrust, he goaded himself. Say something profound. Keep up the illusion that you give a damn. "Uh, thanks." He patted her on the shoulder weakly. "ATM?" That works.

Sparky cleared her throat, then timidly pointed in front of them. "We've, ah, been standing in front of it for the past five minutes," she said meekly.

"Oh," Bradley chuckled. "Well whaddayaknow. Um ... so ... what exactly do I do?"

Sparky raised an eyebrow. "Card goes in slot. Number goes in computer. Granted you have another account, you want to hit transfer."

Bradley followed the motions, then looked over his shoulder at her. "Um .... and it all just moves. Kerflooey. Like that?"

"Well, it'll ask from what account, to what account. But after that, pretty much."

Bradley punched a few buttons, then frowned. "You know what, then, Sparky?"

"Probably not, but what?" She asked, as Hady peered over her shoulder.

Bradley wrinkled up his nose. "I feel extremely stupid. .... " He looked over at the two of them and burst out laughing.

"Dude," Sparky chuckled, "I didn't know how to use our microwave for the longest time. Don't feel bad. Card goes in. Cash comes out. Isn't the simplicity delightful?"

"In her case, cash never goes in..." Hady smirked.

Ha! Take that, Dritz. Bradley smiled, the smarmy, sarcastic edge gone from his expression. "Absolutely wonderful."

"Hey..." Hady blinked. "Is that a normal smile?"

"Why yes, I do believe it is!" Sparky affirmed. "We done made our boy happy again!"

"How much do I owe you? Seriously," Bradley held out a hand.

Sparky blinked. "You think I would charge a fee for making you feel better?"

"Hey, lots of people do," Hady replied. "They're called psychologists. And he meant the help with the machine."

"Oh... You think I would charge a fee for minor assistance with an ATM?"

He blinked, tilting his head in confusion. "Um … yeah."

Sparky clicked her beak scoldingly. "Mr. Uppercrust, you've been living an eye-for-an-eye life too long. This is what most people would term a favor. Others call it helpfulness. A few might refer to it as charity. I think that's a stretch, but each to his own."

"You're rambling again." Hady pointed out.

"Sorry..."

"Well, I have to repay you somehow." Bradley drummed his fingers on the shelf of the ATM. "How 'bout I take you girls somewhere to eat?" Gotta keep up appearances - after all, I might need them again. ... But ... hmm.

"Wow... Ok, if you insist. But really, it's all right."

Hady chuckled. "I didn't even do anything..."

"Yeah you did," Bradley chuckled. "You stood there and made the acrid comments I usually make. You saved me time."

"Well look at that!" Sparky laughed, elbowing her friend. "I saved him money and you saved him time!"

"That had to be the last thing I expected to hear from you, Brad." Hady chuckled.

"Ah ah ah... Braaaddlleyyy." Sparky waggled a finger at her.

"Whatever."

Before he could realize what he was doing, Bradley reined both girls into a hug. "Thank you."

"Eeeeyewwww!!" Hady grimaced, backing away. "Get your snobby self off me!"

"Woah, there! Wha'd we to to deserve all this?!" Sparky gaped.

Realization returned to Bradley's face in the form of a deep blush, and he coughed. "Um… Dunno. Sorry."

" Hey, no protest here..." Sparky chuckled nervously.

"Sparky, you're sick." Hady said matter-of-factly. "Bradley, don't get those teeth anywhere near me ever again."

Tactfully ignoring Hady's comment, Bradley took out his billfold and leafed through it. "So, where do you want to go eat?"

"Still takin' us out, huh? And I thought I'd insulted my way out of that. I'm impressed!" Hady grinned.

Sparky shrugged. "Well I dunno. It depends on how much you want to spend."

"I asked where you wanted to go," Bradley said plainly. "I didn't say you couldn't choose anything you wanted."

"Really? Geez, I hate toying with other peoples' money. Hady?"

"Don't look at me, I have no opinion."

Sparky's shoulders slumped. "Crud...ok. Uh.....uh.......T.G.I.F.?"

Bradley nodded, smiling as he replaced his wallet. "Lead the way, girls."

Sparky grinned, leading the way back to the Bean Scene and gesturing to an old vehicle. "Shall we take my car? Rusty little Buick that it is..."

"Sounds great," Bradley agreed.

"Okie dokie! I get to drive, you guys fight over seats," she proclaimed, plopping down in the driver's seat. "And the person in the front does not get to pick out the music. I do."

Hady groaned, sliding into the backseat. "But I wanna hear Metallica!"

"Sorry! N'wawlins jazz, it is." Sparky smiled cheerfully, as Bradley buckled himself in. "Don't take it personally, Hady, your "music" just....sounds like noise to me. Bad noise. Ok, buckled up?" She winked, adapting a British accent. "Ouff weh geho..."

The restaurant was rather slow for a weekday afternoon, and Bradley led the way in, seating himself in the center of a horseshoe-shaped booth. As the girls sat down on either side of him, he picked up his menu. "You girls thirsty? I'm thirsty." As he perused the menu, his eyes strayed over its top, and he immediately dived down beneath it. "HIDE," he hissed.

Sparky immediately sank down in her seat, as Hady ducked behind her menu. "What is it?"

"Franchesca..." Bradley whispered. "I think she's maxed out my credit card, and if she has, she's gonna come looking for me to get another one."

Sinking further down in the booth, Sparky frowned. "She won't be happy at all!"

"Heh...no kidding. Plan?" Hady asked.

Bradley chuckled nervously. "Um ... run?"

"Oh, she'll notice that." Sparky whimpered.

Thinking, Bradley bit his lip. "We could have someone page her to the phone and split then."

Sparky giggled. "Oo, good, very good! Someone got a cell phone?"

"Here..." Hady dug out her cellular phone from her purse. "Brad, ask for this place's phone number."

"I don't want to come out from under my menu tent," Bradley protested, casting a nervous glance out at Fritzie, who was appearing increasingly annoyed. "I'm comfy."

"Ugh. Fine." Hady discreetly flagged down the waiter. "Hey, waiter! What's the number of this joint?" Jotting it down, she dialed up her cel phone. "Yeah, hi. I need to talk to a Miss Franchesca... " She frowned, putting a hand over the mouthpiece. "Franchesca what?"

"Dritz," Bradley replied, "like the fabric people."

"Franchesca Dritz. Yeah. Ok, thanks." As the manager paged her over the intercom, Hady closed the phone with a smirk.

"I wish I were that smooth...." Sparky said admirably.

Grabbing the girls by their arms, Bradley hauled both of them out of the restaurant. Once they were safely outside on the sidewalk, he sighed in relief. "Thanks, girls. You saved my butt again!"

"Yeah, sure, you're welcome," Hady said dryly. "Just don't hug me again. ....Boy, she'da been steamed. Maybe you shouldn't hang around us so much if it's gonna get you in trouble."

"I'd rather hang around with you than her, amazingly," Bradley admitted, surprised. I did NOT just say that!! ... Did I? ... I hope not.

" If you dislike her that much, though....why're you with her?" Hady asked. "Birds of a feather?"

He shrugged. "I saw somewhere once that if you want to be successful, you have to exude an image of success. So I guess that's why I hooked up."

"Looks like you're exuding a toadie-ish image to me," Hady replied.

Bradley frowned. "Toadie. That's in the vocab somewhere." He thought about it for a moment, then groaned, clapping a hand to his eyes. "Hello, ladies, how are you? I'm Stupid, nice to meet you." He sighed. "So - that plan went awry. What now?"

"Y'got me." Sparky shrugged.

"We need a plan B," Hady mused, looking around.

" Plan B," Bradley said slowly. "We go somewhere that Fritzie will never think I'd be. Right?"

" I guess. Where would you never go, though? The opera?" Sparky shrugged.

Bradley turned on her, irritated. "Does anyone go to the opera?!"

Sparky shrank back, frowning nervously. "Sure … lots of people …" She grinned nervously. "Hey, eh...who said you couldn't be sarcastic? Hady's a buddy and we pick on each other all the time."

"Yeah, Brad. Wasn't sarcasm and cunning your specialty?" Hady pointed out.

"Served up three times a day piping hot especially for you, Hady dear," Bradley smirked.

Hady merely narrowed her eyes at him.

"Well," Sparky announced, "that lightened the atmosphere!"

"Yep. Nothing like the ol' floodlight o' sarcasm to get things rolling," Bradley agreed.

"So what're you gonna do about Fritzie, or whatever? You said she's got something on you, but only as long as you've got cash."

With a sly smile, Bradley looked over towards the opera house. "You know .... I always wanted to break into theatre. I've got a plan, girls."

"Please don't make me watch opera," Hady begged.

"Soap opera, maybe. You girls are gonna help me convince Fritzie Dritzie that I'm destitute." Bradley smirked wickedly.

"All riiiggghhht!" Sparky cheered. "Gonna steal some peasant clothes from the opera house!"

Bradley shrugged. "I was thinking more along the lines of the local goodwill. Give 'em a couple bucks and you've got a whole new wardrobe."

Hady chuckled. "I'm gonna love to see this. Where's my camera?"

"I'll need one of those cardboard signs … you know…. Will Work For Tequila or something."

Sparky snickered. "How about Last Pennies Spent On Girlfriend's Shoes?"

"YES!!!!!!!" Bradley gave Sparky another quick hug. "Have I told you how brilliant you are?"

"Wow! As a matter of fact, I think you have!" Sparky blurted, then leant over towards Hady. "Check out all the attention! I am lovin' this..."

Hady merely wrinkled her nose. "Yechh."

"Hey, wait a minute," Sparky realized. "What about afterwards? You're not gonna wander around looking like a bum all the time, are you?"

Hady poked Bradley in the arm. "Aren't you supposed to be the cunning one?"

After a moment's thought, Bradley smirked. "Yes, I am. You know ... this is gonna be the ultimate con, the mother of all cheats. I can't believe I never saw it that way till now. Hang on. I'm in my element, girls." He sat down on the curb, thinking. "She's got a lot of dirt on herself, you know. Stuff like I have. Blackmail fodder." A wicked smirk spread across his face. "If she confronts me about it ... I just ... tell some of it."

"You know any of it?" Hady asked.

Bradley stared her levelly in the eye. "I caused some of it."

"That's kinda low," Hady informed him.

"Whatever works, I guess," Sparky shrugged. "Why didn't you think of this before?"

"I wasn't feeling sneaky enough," Bradley said plainly.

Both girls stared at him in confusion. "You mean there have to be certain conditions at work?" Hady blinked.

Bradley nodded solemnly. "I'll give you the intro course someday. But for now - to the rummage store!" Getting to his feet, he led the way boldly down the sidewalk.

As they rounded a bend, the Goodwill shop windows stared blankly out at them, displaying all manner of used items.

"Well...it ain't Macy's. But it's what we're looking for." Hady muttered.

Sparky opened the door with a resounding chime from the bell above. "Wow...it smells funny in here."

Bradley nodded, looking around. "Hmm. We need something that screams 'I'm broke'." Biting thoughtfully at his lower lip, he began scanning the racks of musty clothing.

A short, dappled goose waddled up to the group. "'Ow can Aye 'elp yew, t'dahy?" she gazed up at them, a huge grin of her beak.

"Oh, uh...well I dunno. Brad? Need help?" Sparky called to him.

Bradley shrugged, smiling at her. "Um ... not really, I'm kinda browsing. But thanks!"

"Aw roight, luv. Yew jest let mey knaow." The goose disappeared behind her monstrous counter.

After a moment of running his fingers along the tops of the hangers, Bradley let out a gasp of delight. "Ooh, girls, come check this out."

"Whatcha got?" Sparky asked.

"Hm?" Hady looked up from a bookshelf filled with knick knacks.

Bradley grinned triumphantly, holding up a moth-eaten black knee-length coat, covered in dust and a few stains. "Huh, huh?" He prompted happily.

"Ewww..." Hady recoiled. "Are they allowed to sell stuff like that?"

"Well...." Sparky paused, unsure of what she should say. "It's.......in really bad shape. I'm pretty sure it'll work towards our goal."

Bradley nodded, slipping the offensive garment over his shoulders and testing its weight and size. "It fits a little loose, but that's good. And it's kinda heavy.... think I need something under it?"

"Well, like what?" Sparky asked, tilting her head to see it from another angle.

"I think you need a radiation suit on under it, yes." Hady grimaced.

Bradley surveyed the looks on their faces, then selected a more wearable-looking pair of faded jeans and a ragged yet clean t-shirt. "Yes? No?"

"Impoverished comes to mind." Hady said.

"Wow... This will rock most egregiously." Sparky added.

Bradley chuckled, checking the yellow price tags. "Wow. Only $7.80. Cheapest wardrobe I ever bought."

Hady raised an eyebrow, "I think they should pay you to take them."

Sparky nodded to the counter at the back of the store. "Checkout?"

Bradley nodded, heading towards the goose at the counter. "I'll take these, if you don't mind," he smiled, placing the raggedy couture on the counter.

The goose twisted her beak in a look of disgust. Nevertheless, she lightly fingered the tags and rung the items up. "$7.80, playse..." She looked as though she couldn't understand why anyone would pay for such atrocities.

"Thanks! You're great," Bradley grinned, as she dropped the clothes into a plastic shopping bag like some sort of dead animal. "Have a good one!"

"Yew tew, luv." She shook her head slowly as they departed. "Whot chil'in won't weah t'day..."

"So...now what?" Hady stuffed her hands in her coat pockets.

Bradley peered inside the bag, surveying his prize as they headed back onto the street. "Well... how exactly should we present her with the news?" Bradley put a hand to his chin and stared up at the clouds thoughtfully. "It'll need to be nice and dramatic ... how well can you girls act?"

Sparky tapped her beak, "Uh...I was a bear in a grade school play once."

"I don't need to act." Hady said. "I'll just be as apathetic as ever."

Bradley sighed. "Well ... hmm. You'd probably be throwing a rager in the streets if you found out I was poor, as far as she knows, right?"

They both shrugged. "I'll help out, but I'm not going out on a limb for you, Uppercrust." Hady pointed to him.

Bradley shrugged. "I dunno. I wanna be melodramatic about this. What do you think would be the best thing?"

"Maybe you could disappear for a little while." Sparky suggested. "When Fritz demands to know where her source of power has gone, we'll eh...tell her to follow us. We'll bring a little paper bag with, I dunno...a sandwich or something in it." She chuckled at the thought.

Bradley grinned. "That might be rich...!" He adapted a pitiful tone of voice. "Oh," he said simperingly, "Cafeteria food! Thank you!"

Hady laughed out loud. "Note to self- buy film for camera."

"That oughta fool her, no?" Sparky asked. "But where'll you go?"

Bradley thought about that for a moment. "Behind the opera house," he winked.

"To live?" Sparky asked disbelievingly.

Chuckling, he peered inside the plastic bag, feeling it crinkle and rustle between his fingers. "Only for a little while a day. I can get an apartment nearby or something. For a week."

"Geez, I thought you were serious."

"Sparky, Bradley Uppercrust III would never do more than he needs to. In'at right?" Hady smirked at him.

Bradley clapped her on the back heartily. "You got it, Hayds."

Hady growled at him. No words-just a deep throated growl. "Don't touch me. I don't know where you've been. And don't call me 'Hayds'. It sickens me."

Bradley staggered back a foot or so, holding up his hands, the bag dangling from his thumb. "Hey, hey, geez, don't get touchy..."

"Sorry." Hady said flatly after a short pause. "I'm still not used to the new and improved you."

"Y'don't say..." Sparky muttered under her breath.

Bradley shrugged, confused. "Improved, huh? In less than 24 hours? Funky." They're buying it ... excellent. But at the same time, I wonder. They seem to know what they're doing. Could it be they're just as conniving as I am? This might work to my advantage even more than I thought!

"Just watch yourself, Uppercrust. I'm not that easily convinced."

"I do believe she still thinks of you as a slime mold of some sort." Sparky commented aside to him.

Bradley frowned. "Well, I'm not quite surprised," he replied, folding his arms.

"No? ...I kind of am." She shrugged. "Well...why don'tcha go find yourself an apartment. We'll keep an eye on the Fritz, sending forlorn glances at your door every now and then to pique suspicion. Aheh."

Looking around the almost empty street, Bradley slung the plastic bag over his shoulder, looking quite appropriately like a hobo. "Thanks ... I really appreciate it... Sparky."

"Hey, no problem, Bradley. It'll be a riot! Just be sure to be there around...say two. Neither of you have any classes then, do you?"

Bradley nodded slowly. "Yeah, two sounds good. Lunch hour. Bring me the nastiest caf food you can find and I'll pretend to be eternally grateful." He chuckled, pointing a finger at her with a wink and a click of his teeth.

"Uh.... Heh. Yeah, s-sure." She returned an uneven grin. "I'll see ya."

"Sparky..." Hady strolled by.

"Mm?"

"I'll pretend I didn't notice that."

Bradley chuckled softly as he headed down the street, back towards the opera. You know, Uppercrust, he thought to himself, those gals ain't half bad, for Geekazoids.

It didn't take Fritzie long to realize that Bradley was missing. Two days and many pointed glances towards his empty dorm room later, she finally confronted the two. As Sparky and Hady shut their door behind them and headed down the hall, they almost collided with Fritzie.

Arms folded, the irate supermodel demanded information. "Where is Bradley?!" She fairly barked, as though, ironically, they were responsible.

Hady glowered at her from under her honey colored bangs. "It's not like we kidnapped him." She answered quietly, forcing a despondent look to cross her features.

"Maybe we should tell her." Sparky put a hand to her friend's shoulder emphatically.

"So you do know, you rotten little-" Fritzie was cut off as Hady's temper flared up again.

"Don't you even start with me, Barbie Doll." She hissed. "Yeah. We know where your lackey is."

"Misuse your toys, and they break..." Sparky sighed cryptically. "Or go broke." She added under her breath, a crocodile tear sliding down her cheek. "We were just on our way to see him. Why don't you come with us, it might cheer him up."

"Cheer him up? What?"

"Never mind. Just c'mon." Hady pushed past, hands thrust into her coat pockets.

They headed toward the cafeteria, where Sparky purchased a crusty cheeseymac, a cup of the world's wateriest mashed potatoes, and a Diet Coke. She'd hoped to find something so greasy, it would turn the paper bag clear, but what she had would have to do.

"Ew... Like, what's that for?" Even though Sparky and Hady were still branded geekazoids in Fritzie's mind, not even they should want to eat that kind of food.

"Y'mean who."

"Huh?" Fritzie tilted her head in a most vacuous manner.

"You'll see." Hady shook her head solemnly.

Sparky glanced at her watch, hardly able to contain a devilish chuckle. 2:07pm - their next outing would take them to the opera house. Sparky paused at the corner and addressed Fritzie. "Now...you might be a little surprised. Just to let you know."

Fritzie sniffed disdainfully as the girls led her behind the opera house, tiptoeing through puddles of rainwater and stepping over litter. "Like, ew. Leave it to you two to lead me out here."

"Let's jump her. Now. No one will ever know!" Hady whispered. Sparky had to cover her mouth to muffle her laughter. She cleared her throat determinedly and marched onward toward a lonely, hunched over figure, hidden by shadows near the back of the alley.

"Ew," Fritzie sneered. "And you hang out with bums, too? Like, typical. Geek humanitarians."

"We're here..." Hady called softly.

"Hady? Is that you?" A pitiful voice coughed. "And ... do I hear .... Fritzie?"

Fritzie's mouth fell open. "Like, no WAY."

"Get her out of here," Bradley snapped, raising his head. "I don't want to speak to that ... thing."

Hady tensed, ready to knock out a few of Fritzie's perfect teeth. She instead took a steady breath and advanced. "Yeah, Brad, it's us."

"We've got some lunch for you." Sparky offered the bag. "Fritzie wanted to visit, so..." she shrugged.

Bradley reached out and snatched the bag eagerly. "Oh!" He smiled. "You brought me macaroni and cheese? ... You shouldn't have done that. I mean, just some of the shepherd's pie would have been fine..."

Fritzie snorted. "Scuse me, but what exactly is going on here?"

Sparky was impressed with the way his eyes had fairly lit up with joy. Anyone who could do that on command was really something else.

"What's it look like, Dritz?" Hady turned a nasty face on her. "The guy's got nothing left."

Bradley glared at her. "And you're the one behind it all, Fritzie. You maxed out my credit cards and my checking account, and my savings was used to compensate for all of it - until..." he turned the pockets of his coat inside out to accentuate his point, "there was nothing left. I'd throw something in this bag at you ... but I can't spare a morsel."

Sparky almost snorted a giggle, but quickly turned it into one of disgust. Her beak twisted into a horrible snarl. "You ? You're the cause of this!?" She shrank back as though Fritzie had just begun to ooze some vile, noxious substance.

"I suspected as much..." Hady wrinkled her nose as though she just became aware of some acrid odor.

"That's right, ladies," Bradley said coldly. "I was thinking of making a sign ... Last Pennies Spent on Girlfriend's Shoes. What do you think, Fritzie?"

Fritzie wrinkled up her nose. "You're disgusting. Not only are you not worth anything, but who do you turn to? GEEKS! You know, Bradley, I thought you were cool. But you're nothing. I think we should see other people."

"Oh, that is it, that it IT!" Hady whipped around to face Fritzie. "You'd better hope you can run in high heels, Barbie," she growled, taking several steps forward, heedless of personal space. She rolled up her already short sleeves, blood at the boiling point.

"Wuh-oh..." Sparky muttered. "She's not acting..."

Fritzie glared down at Hady for a moment, then looked over at Bradley. "You're faking all of this! I KNOW you are! You never would have ..."

Bradley folded his arms. "And if I am, what would you do? I could always tell everyone about the canoe outing at the Yacht Club. And those Polaroids that Geoffrey has. I'm sure he'd be glad to lend them to me for a run through the copier."

Fritzie gasped. "You ... you little..." She screeched in disbelief. "You wouldn't!"

"Ohhhh, yes, I would. I'm poor, remember? I'll take all the money I can get. Especially from you."

Sparky held back an enraged Hady. "Let me GO!" Hady roared, "I'll kill 'er! I'll mangle 'er!"

"You'll get arrested!" Sparky finished.

Bradley, meanwhile, regarded Fritzie coolly as she continued to sputter at him. "Franchesca, dear," he pointed out, "didn't you say you could take Miss Hadassah here, any day? I'd love to see you stay true to your word."

Fritzie looked over at Hady, seeming to steel her nerves as she took on a defensive stance. After mere seconds of holding the pose, she kicked off her heels, scooped them up in one hand, and sprinted out of the alley.

"COWARD!" Hady called. "Spinless planarian!"

"Hey, someone's been studying." Sparky commented as Hady jerked away from her grip.

"I was so ready to bring her down. Let's see that picture perfect smile without front teeth, huh?"

"Now, now. We did what we wanted to, Hady. Mission accomplished." Sparky nodded sagely, then blinked after a short pause. "Polaroids?"

Bradley got to his feet, shedding the coat, shirt, and baggy jeans to reveal his usual attire underneath. Chucking both the food and the offensive garments in the dumpster, he approached them, snickering happily. "Well, we went out canoeing one summer in junior high, and she fell in the lake...."

Sparky chuckled. "I can just see that..."

"Poor little Dritz can't take a little swimming, huh?" Hady added, smirking.

"Nonono, ladies," he held up a hand, smirking full tilt. "That's not all. You see, she was wearing mismatched patterns, and her hair was a mess, too. She wouldn't be able to bear it if anyone saw her looking like that."

Sparky raised an eyebrow "Oh now, really." She folded her arms. "That is not the height of embarrassment."

"You forget who we're talking about, Sparky."

"Granted, but...that's just stupid! I mean, I've been through worse. Like the time Dana cornered me with my own umbrella. My 'volumes of forgotten lore' were heavy enough to pull me to the floor. Now that was embarrassing."

Bradley laughed, putting his arms around their shoulders to lead them out of the alley. "Ladies," he announced, "this might be the start of a beautiful friendship."

Hady shoved him off. "Albeit I know where you've been-not that it makes it any better- but I don't know where that coat's been. Take a shower. Then douse yourself with sanitizer. Then, and only then, may you touch my personage." After a pause, she added, "Sparingly."

Sparky averted her gaze, grinning stupidly.

As the three of them headed back towards campus, Bradley looked from one to the other, then back at the dorm. He didn't realize that the same thought was, in different forms, running through their minds.

Now what have I gotten myself into?

Finis