I'll Be Home for Solstice
By Bwell
Hercules sighed as he tried to get comfortable for the twentieth time that night. "It's not like he's disappeared into the light or anything," he said as he rose from the lumpy inn bed. "He did say he'd meet me at mother's for Solstice." Hercules grabbed the blanket from the bed and wrapped up in it. As he shivered, he raised his eyebrow. "I'm never cold; what is wrong with me?" he groaned.
"Worried about Sweetcheeks, Bro?" Dite whispered as she popped into the room. "Look, I know you're a little paranoid where the golden hunter is concerned, but trust me, he's safe and sound, and that little stain from the bowl full of jelly will eventually come out."
"Jelly?" the demigod squeaked disbelievingly.
"Well, actually it was two bowls. He was just bringing me this new treat *to die for*, Sorry, I forgot your big new rule,'Never use the word die when you talk about Iolaus. Anyway this new stuff called strawberry preserves tops my toast perfectly, and well, you know Hermes. He just couldn't resist tripping him so that he fell right into the mint jelly Ares was having with his lamb. Honestly, at first thought the big bad god of war had stabbed him, but.."she said looking at her newly polished nails.
Hercules spun around and grabbed her hand, "Stabbed? Iolaus has been stabbed? What is he doing around the other gods? Oh No! Don't tell me he's on..." Hercules dropped her hand and covered his face with his own. "Do you want to explain to me why Iolaus is on Olympus?"
"Well, not if you're going to be snippy about it. He wasn't stabbed...just put together a little jam session I guess," she giggled.
"Aphrodite, I do not do snippy....angry, perturbed, livid, maybe. But I'm never snippy," he groused.
"Oh, you're going to tell me that you didn't lose it when Helios had that little accident with Rhea?"
"What? Dite, Who wouldn't be upset? My Grandma got run over by a chariot. But I was not snippy, and you've yet to explain to me why Iolaus is on Olympus," Herc said as he crossed his arms across his chest.
"Well, I'm out of here, Herkie. You'll have to ask Sweetcheeks about the Olympus gig," she said with a wink, and she disappeared.
"Gig? Iolaus, what have you gotten yourself into," he sighed as he sank back on the lumpy bed.
Iolaus grumbled after handing the cream puffs to Discord. "Next time I'll just work at Clodius' place. Getting hit with sparks from a forge is much better than getting pinched by the goddess of skank. Herc, you'd better enjoy this Solstice gift."
"Boy? Hey Boy? Over here! Yeah, you. Where's my facial?" Charon called.
"Ick, what are you doing here? Didn't think I'd have to see you for a while," Iolaus frowned.
"Hey, this is a gift from the boss. Now, I gotta a date tonight with one certain Warrior Princess who shall remain nameless, and I gotta be just right," he grinned lecherously.
"Oh puhleeze! No way! Xena would rather go out with Salmoneus than some rotting...."
"Watch yer mouth, Goldilocks, or I'll make sure your next trip 'cross the Styx will be on water skis. Hurry up...I need exfoliating like nobody's business," Charon complained.
"I bet you want your face to be real appealing, eh?" Iolaus mumbled as he slopped on the avocado mixture. "Wow! What a noise! Do you hear what I hear?"
Hermes floated by, "Oh that's just Ares...Yeah, some supplicants gathered in the entry, got tired of waiting, and started playing some confounded game."
Iolaus looked down at the doubly green faced immortal and asked, "Why would Ares make that much noise over gamers?"
Charon just shrugged, "I dunno, guess he just hates chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. Hey, watch where you're putting that stuff...It's sacred, you know."
Iolaus frowned and gasped, "Don't tell me...please don't tell me..."
"What that this is Holy Guacamole? Hey, come back here, I'm not finished!" he grumbled. "Hey, Hermes, wanna trim my toenails?"
Iolaus rushed to the dressing room. "Man! I hope Herc, really appreciates this gift. Next time I'll chose something a little less expensive. I don't know why I agreed to do this in the first place."
"Because you're best friends with my half-brother brat, and he desperately needs that gift you got him," shrugged Ares as he popped into the dressing room and sat on the table while munching on an apple. "Look, I told you I'd get this for you if you'd provide the entertainment for the Solstice party. No one's made you dress up like Carmen Mirandicus and sing "The Land of a Thousand Dances" have they? You're lucky you just have to sing that little carol you wrote."
"Yeah, but no one told me I'd have to direct the Muses as well. Besides Pan wants to slip in on the pipes and you know how Apollo feels about him? Calls him goat boy or something. You have no clue as to how off-pitch he is besides being a lousy roommate. I had to put jingle bells on him just so it would wake me up when he tried to eat my boots. Man, I think I'd rather room with Atilla!" Iolaus grumbled.
"Nah, you wouldn't. Don't you know huns are the lowest form of roomers? Now get in there before someone decides you'd look good in a fruit headress," he said as he tossed an apple core in the trash.
Iolaus hurried on the stage surrounded by all the gods, goddesses and various immortals. He cleared his throat as all the muses plus one Pan lined up. "I'd like to dedicate this to my best friend, Hercules."
Zeus and Aphrodite smiled; Hermes looked bored, and Ares just said, "O puhleeze." and snapped his fingers.Iolaus suddenly found himself dressed in the weirdest chiton he'd ever seen. It was in two pieces with his stomach showing and puffed sleeves. In horror he discovered that he was wearing some bizarre hat with fruit on it. With a deep sigh he moaned, "I'm doin' this for Herc...I'm doin' this for Herk." He turned to his Chorus and raised his hands to begin. Of course he almost panicked when a certain flautist started before his cue. Iolaus just pretended that was the way it was supposed to start and went ahead. His tenor voice rang clear and true with his Muse background singers.
"I'm dreaming of a mild Solstice
Just like the ones that others do
No monsters to slay
No Damsels in dismay
Just mugs of mead and good ol' bore stew
Muses: Goooooood ol' bore stew
I'm dreaming of a mild Solstice
Oh please, Morpheus, let me smile
May Olympus chain Ares for a while
And may all your Solstices be Mild
Muses: Oooooooh Mild.
Suddenly Ares frowned and threw all his power at poor Iolaus. Dite popped out quickly and rushed Hercules to Olympus.
Hercules grabbed the strawberry Jelly and threw it at Ares. The war god immediately broke out in hives. Dropping his arms to scratch, he vowed he'd get them both. Of course he chuckled a little as he left seeing Iolaus in the dress and Herk kneeling down before him.
"Iolaus! Are you all right? He threw all that power of a lightning storm at you...you should be dead again, buddy," the demigod said obviously shaken at the resemblance to someone he should know.
"Nah, Herk. I guess I'm just not a good conductor," he giggled.
"Remind me to send flowers for the funeral," Hercules calmly said. "Because, somebody's gonna do you in with those puns."
"Don't think so, Big Guy. Besides you never send me flowers. Hey, I almost forgot. Happy Solstice," Iolaus said taking off his fruity hat. He held out this brown bottle. "Ares went to the future and got this for me, but it was kinda expensive..so I hadda to do this gig, and the next thing I know I'm dressed like some Carmel Meringue or someone, anyway...."
"Iolaus? Babbling...," Hercules reminded.
"Okay, so this stuff is called Armor All...it's a protector for leather, and I figure you can put this all over the waffle pants, and that way you get extra protection if someone shoots an Arrow, and.."
"Iolaus, please don't say it," Hercules groaned.
"You get it in...