Title: Earning Eternity

Author: Christy

Rating: One section is R/NC17ish

Distribution: Just let me know

Disclaimer: All characters and the Sunnydale universe belong to Joss.

Spoilers: No Tara in this universe

Feedback: I need it like Glory needs to suck brains

Dedication/Summary: I love everyone's dark fics but I get all broody without a happy ending. This is dedicated to everyone who needs happy endings too. So all you people go ahead and kill Spike and Buffy as many times as you want but now those of us who still want a happy ending have hope.

**********************************************************************************************

"Please, you have to let me help him," Buffy said with anguish and desperation in her voice. "Something, anything. Please!" Her voice devoid of the contentment and bliss it should hold in this place. "He won't make it. He won't find the answer on his own."

The Archangel Gabriel studied the former warrior with compassion and confusion. She never looked like what she was. There had never been even a hint of her strength and abilities in her appearance. Just a fire in her eyes and a beauty rivaling that of the heavenly residents he knew so well.

"What is it you wish from me?" he asked sternly but with infinite patience.

"Let me go to him. Let me communicate with him. You were the one who told me he has a chance to win his soul back but he'll never find the path without guidance."

"It is forbidden!"

"How can it be forbidden?! How can you, Gabriel, first among all the angels be so cruel? I gave my life for your cause, and what a pathetic life it was. Did I ever have one moment of true happiness that wasn't followed by torturous pain? I gave all, grudgingly yes, but willingly still. I died 20 years ago in your holy war and still I am denied the perfect peace that heaven promises. He was the love of my life. I lost him when I died but was I granted sweet oblivion? No, I've watched him every day. Watched his agony and loneliness. Able to see but never comfort. Heaven has become my hell!"

She was hysterical. The Archangel had never witnessed anything like it. No soul had ever suffered in heaven until Buffy Summers, Vampire Slayer, was ripped from the arms of her demon lover. All she said was true. Her life had not been much of an existence. She had been called to war as a child and learned everything about loss and too little of love. There had been bright moments, her few friends and family, and the brightest and most improbable of all, her all-consuming love for the vampire she now watched from heaven.

That vampire was only slightly more confusing to Gabriel than she herself. A vampire that loved with such passion and tenderness that the lesser angels wept to see it, see it and never touch it. Gabriel had watched the vampire go from evil human to even more evil demon to earthbound savior of the former soldier of light standing weeping before him now. It had never happened before, not since time began. A demon had never earned his way into the light, into heaven. Gabriel had realized, however, as he looked down upon the Slayer and her love that nothing was certain even in heaven. He did not understand his own mind. Did not know why he had told her that there was a way he could earn eternity, a way they could finally have the time together denied them on Earth. He only knew that something about her, her utterly ruthless determination to keep the balance of good and evil in the world at the expense of her own happiness had touched him. Never had he seen such light in a human soul before. He reflected on what the Archangel Michael had once said after watching one of her more brutal and soul-wearying fights,

"What a splendid warrior angel she would have made." Gabriel knew it to be true. And that was the answer. She had more of the divine in her than any purely human soul he'd ever encountered. But still it was forbidden.

"He must find the truth on his own. It is wrong enough that you watch him constantly. It is not the way of things. It means nothing if he doesn't do it himself."

"Please Gabriel. I am begging you." She said as a faint, sad smile played about her lips.

"Why do you smile?"

"Because he once told me I wasn't the begging type. He was right. But I'm begging now, ONLY for him."

Gabriel suddenly became still as though listening to something only he could hear. Buffy wondered at the Angel's sudden stillness. She hadn't known it was possible but the Archangel actually looked stunned.

"Your request is granted," his voice thundered.

"But-"

"I suggest you don't question your blessing. Just take advantage of it."

"I will," she said in awe. She didn't even want to think about how she had been given permission or from whom it came.

"Buffy, there are rules you must follow. You will be allowed to visit his dreams just once and you must go back in time to before he realized his love for you. You may only tell him the words I will give you."

"It will be enough."

"We shall see."

"I thought you guys knew everything already, don't you already see?"

"Don't try my patience girl," the Archangel said in a tone very near exasperation.

"Giles always told me I could try the patience of a saint. I guess he wasn't far off." She smiled. The first expression other than worry and pain he'd seen on her face for 19 years, 364 days and some odd hours. The first happiness she had tasted since the moment she had demanded to see her grieving lover.

******

"Spiiike...Spiiike...SPIKE!"

"Bloody hell Slayer! What do you want?! A Vampire can't even dream in peace anymore, is that it?" The somewhat unnaturally blond vampire mumbled in his sleep. Buffy let her eyes wander over his sleep-tousled face. She would have caught her breath at his beauty if spirits needed to breathe. So close. If only she could touch him, but no that was against the rules and her mission here was about forever, not about one fleeting moment of pleasure. Her desire was so great though when he rolled and she saw his face fully that she considered risking it all for that one moment of what she knew would be intense pleasure. But no, 1000 years of waiting and watching would be worth it in the end.

"Spike, listen to me. For once in your annoying undeadness, just listen to me."

The surly vampire focused on the girl invading his dream. She didn't look like she usually did in his dreams. She was glowing softly and looked like nothing more than a spirit. Usually she looked just as she did when he was awake. Usually they were fighting and he was winning.

"Spike?"

"What?! Just get on with it so I can get some fucking sleep!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk is that any way to talk to a heavenly being?'

"BUFFY!" a voice thundered in her head warning her not to say more.

"Sorry Gabriel, I didn't mean to say that, I swear. It's just he gets me so worked up, as always."

"Slayer, who are you talking to? If you're interrupting my sleep you'd bloody well better talk to me and get out."

"Listen to me Spike, I have something very important to tell you and you have to remember it."

Spike couldn't get over how beautiful she was. She did indeed look like a heavenly being, she always had but that never stopped him from trying to kill her. No, only this stupid chip in his head did that. Made him fucking impotent. If he ever got his hands on those soldier boys he'd..."

"Spike, do try to pay attention. You're wandering off topic."

"I wouldn't be if you'd spit it out."

"Alright, here goes. Spike, you're going to be faced with a situation in the future where you'll have to make the ultimate sacrifice for love. If you can do that and go on after, fighting for good, you'll be given a chance to earn not just your soul back but your place in heaven. It's an unfathomable gift Spike. Remember what I've said and you'll have your heart's desire for all eternity."

She spoke earnestly and with a gravity he'd never seen in her before.

"I must have drank some bad blood last night. That's why I'm having this bloody stupid dream. Why would I want my soul back and why would I want to go to heaven, providing anyone ever has the balls or skill to kill me Slayer?" He looked at her with that infuriating, cocky way she had learned was a defense mechanism against the pain life and death always seemed full of for him.

"Spike," she floated closer to him, a look of deep concern and panic on her face, "Just remember. Someday, something may make you feel differently."

"Not bleedin' likely."

Her face saddened, "Please remember." As she disappeared he though he heard her say "Remember me and our love." Then she was gone and he settled back into a troubled sleep.

******

"Oh, Gabriel, why did I have to go back to that time. He was so bitter then. He hated me more then than at any other time I knew him. I was a constant reminder of his inadequacies after they put that chip in his head."

"Do you have so little faith in him, this man you would spend eternity with?"

She pulled her shoulders back and faced the Angel, "I believe in him."

"Very well. We will see if your trust is well-placed."

"Yes, we shall."

"Buffy, you cannot continue to watch him."

"I have to!" she said desperately. "I may not be able to comfort him but a part of me believes in some way I lend him strength."

With that she walked away to watch her love. She saw him. The Spike she saw was not the infuriating vampire she had just visited. She was looking at him 21 years after the dream she had just visited. He was nearly broken by grief. She sat and watched, refusing to turn away.

The Angel left her, not wishing to add to her pain by removing her.

Buffy was still amazed at the way she could watch the events on Earth as though watching a movie on a VCR. She could rewind and fast forward through time and see everything that had happened in the past. She could see all of the past but never the future. She chose now to go back and watch what had happened the day after she had visited Spike's dream. She remembered that day and she realized that Spike had seemed different that day. It was the first day in all the time they had known each other that he had been different, softer maybe, angrier but softer underneath. That day was exactly one year before Buffy would die. She intended to watch it all. She was surprised at herself that she hadn't done it before. After all, she still had not been able to remember how she had died. One minute she had been fighting the newest Master and the next she was in heaven. She supposed she had never dwelt on it before because her first and only concern had been Spike and the misery she knew he would suffer with her gone. Now she would see it all and finally know what had happened.

She watched as he woke, shaking his head and muttering. She couldn't make out the words. He walked to the refrigerator, grabbed a bag of blood and fed. He was still muttering to himself. She knew he must be thinking about the dream. But would he remember? She watched. He walked over to his small writing desk, clad only in his black jeans. He opened a book and began to write. She'd never realized that Spike wrote. She wanted to know what he was writing but could not see the words he put to paper. Somehow she knew it must be a journal and she hoped he was recording his memories from the dream.

Spike what are you doing? Suddenly he snapped the pencil in two, tossed the pieces across the room and slammed the book shut.

"Bloody hell! Just the Slayer playing with my mind," he snarled. "Gotta get out of here and do...something." He threw on a black T-shirt and his duster and stormed out the door.

She watched, chuckling to herself, as he stalked through town, knocking over trashcans and kicking anything that got in his way. Basically doing violence to anything inanimate object hat crossed his path. Humans in the vicinity were saved from his wrath by the chip in his head. She knew he must be totally unsatisfied by that but he made do.

He finally headed towards the cemetery. She saw herself. She saw the two of them talking. Well, not talking really, more like verbal sparring. Then they fought. They had found a way to fight with each other that didn't cause him pain. As long as his punches never landed on her with any real force and he knew it was just an exercise, he was okay. God, she loved to watch him fight, always had.

Watching the two of them together was like watching a brutal ballet. He landed a punch to her ribs and immediately fell down on the ground moaning and clutching his head. The chip had gone off because he had landed that one punch too hard and perhaps with more malice than he had consciously intended. He had caused her pain and now he paid for it with his own.

She saw herself smile at his pain but then it dissolved to a frown. As she watched she tried to remember her feelings that day and what had made her kneel down and touch his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. That was the day they had struck their bargain. He'd help her and in return she would protect him from the demons that were out to make a name for themselves by taking out William the Bloody. In that moment they both realized they couldn't fight each other anymore, him because of the chip and her because she would not take advantage of his situation. If they couldn't fight they realized they might as well join forces.

She watched from heaven as the days and months passed. She watched their alliance evolve into friendship. She relived how patrolling together became going to movies together and hanging out at her house with her mom. She recalled their heated arguments of the superiority of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows versus marshmallow fluff. She could remember the confusion she felt during those days and the feelings that developed for Spike beyond friendship that she had fought so hard to deny. She began to fall in love with the man that she listened to music with and talked with. They had finally begun to talk beyond their usual sarcastic banter. He told her about his childhood, his past. She told him about the dreams she had for her life before she had been called. She talked about her fears, how she knew that she was the Slayer and every morning the first thought in her mind was that she would die young. However, she revealed that her greatest fear wasn't of dying young but of being turned and killing her friends and family and losing herself in the monster it would make of her.

It was achingly bittersweet for her to watch the interaction between the two of them, watching and remembering and feeling all of those emotions all over again. And then she saw it, the day everything had really changed, the day that she had finally seen some light at the end of the dark tunnel that her life had become. It was the day that she and Spike had finally kissed.

****** It had been a particularly hard night patrolling. Six pretty powerful vamps had ambushed them and they had won as they always did but not without taking some brutal punches themselves. The two of them limped home together, their arms around each other for support. They reached her house and collapsed on her mother's couch, neither one wanting to move for a year.

They just lay there for several minutes, resting their heads on the back of the couch and groaning in pain. Then they had begun to laugh at themselves.

"I've got enough scars for three kickboxers twice my size," Buffy said.

"Ha, I've got more than you Slayer," Spike boasted.

"Wanna bet?" Buffy asked playfully.

They began showing each other various scars trying to best each other. Buffy showed Spike the scar on her left elbow from a demon's horn. Spike showed her one on his knee from a stake that had ripped through the knee of his jeans and his flesh. Buffy showed him the scar on the back of her neck from the Master she defeated the night she died the first time. He told her the story of the scar on his eyebrow from one of the Slayers he'd killed. She couldn't really sympathize with him for that one.

As their exchange grew more heated she lifted up her shirt, exposing her tanned abdomen and a three-inch scar running across the top of her belly button. She started to explain where it had come from when she noticed that Spike had become very still and was staring at the scar and the rest of her skin with heated concentration. Her words trailed off and she became silent as she watched him. There was no eye contact between them but she knew what he intended even before his hand came out and began to approach her stomach. She caught her breath and gave in to the butterflies in her stomach. She felt the energy coursing between them. He reached out and gently caressed that expanse of soft skin. Buffy's eyes drifted shut and then shot open in surprise at his words.

"Want me to kiss it and make it better, pet?" His voice was deep and gravelly with restraint. She couldn't speak. All those feelings she'd been fighting came rushing through her and she didn't feel like fighting anymore. What will be, will be she thought. She bit her lower lip and slowly shook her head yes. He hadn't been watching her face, his eyes still fixated on her skin but he knew instinctively what her answer would be. She gripped her T-shirt in her fists, still holding it up. He leaned in very slowly, his breath caressing her skin just before his lips did. Lightly, so lightly she wondered if it was real he brushed his lips over the scar. Heat shot through her body while at the same time she broke out in goosebumps. She felt herself melting. He didn't stop with just one light kiss. He kissed the scar from one end to the other, running his tongue along its length and dipping it into her navel. Then he began a slow path of sweet kisses and tiny licks up her belly to the valley between her breasts. His head was under her shirt and he couldn't stop and she wouldn't stop him. She didn't want to stop him, as far as he would go, she would follow, willingly.

His hair started to tickle and she giggled. "Are you laughing at me Slayer?" he asked.

"No, it tickles."

"It does? You don't know what tickling is."

He began to tickle her sides in earnest. She was laughing uncontrollably but stopped suddenly as he began kissing her again. She reached down and pulled her shirt over her head exposing herself to him completely.

"Cor, Slayer I don't think I've ever seen anything as beautiful as you."

He brought his head up and looked into her eyes.

"You're beautiful too Spike," she said breathlessly as she met his gaze.

The look in his eyes made her feel safer and more cherished than anything in her life ever had. She felt no hesitancy anymore. She knew this was right no matter what anyone else thought this was right for her. She leaned forward and met his lips for the first time. It was the most incredible kiss either of them had ever experienced. She broke away from his mouth, breathless and still they stared into each other's eyes.

"I love you Spike. I don't know when or how it happened but I do."

His eyes widened and then softened. A single tear ran down his face.

"I love you Buffy."

"Make love to me Spike, please," she asked.

He leaned forward and began to kiss her again. This time he deepened the kiss, exploring her mouth with his tongue. She broke the kiss only long enough to pull his shirt over his head. She met his lips again and latched onto his tongue sucking on it. He groaned and grabbed the back of her head. He broke away and rained kisses across her face. He nibbled on her ear lobe and kissed down her neck, lingering at the spot where her neck met her collarbone. She held his head tightly to her skin. He ran his hands over her back, loving the softness and warmth of it. She was on fire. His cool skin against hers was making her hotter and hotter. She began to explore his chest and back with her hands, running her fingers along the ridges of his muscles.

"So beautiful," she whispered.

She pulled him closer, but it wasn't nearly close enough. Her satin clad breasts were smashed against the hardness of his chest. They wrapped their arms around each other losing themselves in the kiss and leaning back on the couch. The only sounds in the room were their own whispers and moans as they fell into each other. They broke apart only when she needed to breathe and even then her couldn't bare to lose contact with her body. As she breathed deeply preparing for the next kiss he would kiss her neck, her eyes, any part of her he could reach with his mouth.

"More, Spike, more," she moaned.

She needed more of his skin, more of his mouth, more of everything. She wanted more and he obliged, removing both of their clothes while she moaned and writhed beneath him. When they were both naked he paused to look at her. Her eyes were closed and she was rubbing herself against the textured fabric of the couch, missing the feel of him on top of her. He couldn't believe that he had been blessed with her love and beauty. He wanted to prolong this unique moment but knew he couldn't.

He covered her body with his and they were both lost again. It was all hands and skin and kisses. The wet sounds of their kisses and their moans and heavy breathing added to the pure eroticism of the moment. Buffy watched from above. At first she had felt strange about watching the scene from heaven but she knew there was nothing pornographic or dirty about what she was watching. They were beautiful together. Their lovemaking was everything sex between a man and a woman was meant to be. She saw and remembered the complete trust and love they shared when they came together. They looked so young and vulnerable to her. They looked like two young lovers discovering passion for the first time. In a way that's what they had been because she knew that neither one of them had ever felt anything like that before. All of their other experiences paled in comparison. She watched as his hands slid down her body and between her legs seeking her wet warmth. His fingers delved into her wet folds and stroked her. She stiffened and then relaxed, moving against his fingers and begging him for more.

"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy," he gasped. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he couldn't seem to stop saying it. "I love you."

"Please Spike."

She clasped her hands behind his neck and parted her legs further, asking for him to fill her with his hardness not his fingers. He kissed her again and entered her slowly. They both stiffened and moaned at the unbelievable pleasure they felt at being joined. They lay still a moment savoring the feeling of completeness neither of them had ever known before this moment. Then it was too much for both and them and they began to move together. They clung to each other with lips and arms and legs and tried to go slow but couldn't. They were both consumed by their feelings and cried out at the same time as they came. He collapsed on top of her still kissing her neck and beginning to purr. She held him tightly, a look of amazement on her face. She traced soothing circles over his back and fell into a deep sleep with a smile of contentment on her face and the sounds of his purring in her ear. They lay there all night, joined together.

Buffy sobbed, watching from above. It was so beautiful and she knew they had so little time left. It was almost too much to bear. But she continued to watch unable to tear herself away.

Buffy woke just before sunrise and for the first time since she had been called, her first thought was not of death. Her first thought was that he was there and it had been real. He was still holding her tightly. She cradled his head to her chest.

"Spike?...Spike?"

"Buffy"

"We have to go upstairs. It'll be light soon."

She took his hand and led him upstairs to her bedroom unconcerned with her nudity and his. She closed the curtains and lay down beside him. He fit his length to hers and put his arm around her with his hand splayed across her stomach.

"I love you Buffy," he said drowsily.

"I love you too Spike."

"Buffy I want you to know that you're mine. From now on, I won't ever let you go."

With those words, suddenly the reality of her life came crashing down around her.

"Spike I love you with all that I am and that's why I can't hurt you. You're going to live indefinitely and I'm a Slayer. Soon I'm going to be living on borrowed time."

"Shh," he said and placed his fingers against her lips. "From this moment on, for as long as we have, you're mine and I want to spend every moment with you, loving you, talking to you."

She smiled. That was all she could ask for she knew. She snuggled her head against his chest and fell asleep like a trusting child. She dreamed of love, of a life together, never knowing that life together would be all too short.

She woke just after sunset, still in his arms. She hadn't slept that long in all the years since she'd been called. He was even more beautiful asleep than awake. He looked so young and sweet. She reflected on the past 11 months and the evolution of their relationship. Ever since that evening in the cemetery when they'd fought for the last time they'd been moving towards this moment. She rolled over to face him, laying her forehead over his chest where his heartbeat should be. She looked up at his face and caressed the scar above his eyebrow. She couldn't resist any longer so she leaned up and kissed him, waking him.

"Hi," she said softly.

He smiled, "Hi."

They just lay there smiling at each other. Then he kissed her and the kiss deepened. The phone rang. She didn't want to answer it. She knew it was bad news. She knew. She knew it was bad news and therefore that she had to answer it. She kissed him once more and leaned over to answer the phone.

"Buffy I need you at my place right away."

"Somehow I knew you'd say that Giles. Spike and I'll be right there."

"You and Spike?!"

"Yes Giles, me and the man I love. See you soon."

She chuckled as she heard him sputtering on the other end of the phone. She put the phone down and turned to Spike.

"This is gonna be fun," she said wearily.

"Buffy, I love you," he said seriously, "and not your friends, your mum, or your Watcher can convince me to let you go."

"Good," she said cheerfully, "cuz they can't convince me either."

She kissed him on the nose and hopped out of bed getting dressed. He watched her and she knew he wanted to pull her back into his arms and keep her there forever. She wanted nothing more than to do just that but she knew that her sacred duty was calling and she must answer. Spike got up and pulled on his clothes. They held hands as they went downstairs. She grabbed some juice and watched as he drank a bag of blood she kept for him. They looked at each other and knew they had to focus on the fight ahead. With one last lingering kiss in her mother's kitchen they left to meet Giles and the others and their fate.

******

Buffy found herself fast-forwarding through time. It was too difficult for her to watch those last few days together. Less than one month after she and Spike had made love for the first time she would die. It was too bittersweet to watch the last days. They'd been so busy planning their defense against the latest threat that they hadn't had much time to enjoy their love. They'd been busy all day everyday and had been too exhausted to make love more than a handful of times. When Giles had called that morning it had been to warn them about the new Master and his plan to create the most powerful, dangerous demon the world had ever seen. They did not know the specifics but they had to be prepared for any eventuality so their days were filled with research, training and strategizing.

As she was speeding through the days, approaching that of her death something caught her attention and she stopped to watch. Those last days together she and Spike had been inseparable. He had moved into her basement and she began keeping his hours. She couldn't remember them ever being apart during that time but as she watched Spike she saw him walking through the cemetery alone towards his crypt. When he got there he seemed to be searching for something. He rifled through everything and finally stooped to get something lying under the bed. It was his journal. She watched intently as he sat at the writing table and flipped through the pages looking for a particular entry. He paused and began to read.

"It must be about the dream," she thought.

He stopped and closed the book. Buffy watched as he seemed to sigh and his whole body seemed to deflate. He put his head in his hands and just sat for several minutes.

"Please remember Spike. Please."

Suddenly he jumped up tossing the book across the crypt as he had before. In the days that followed Buffy noticed how over protective he was. She hadn't remembered that. Maybe she hadn't noticed. He never let her out of his sight. Which is how they came to be patrolling together without any of the other Scoobies the night she died.

They had all been near collapse so Giles had declared a night off but Buffy had insisted that she patrol. Spike refused to let her go alone even though she tried convincing him that she would only make one sweep through the cemetery and then go home. He had gone with her. It was on their last pass through the graveyard that it happened. They were attacked by 20 minions at once. They were so caught off guard by their numbers that they hadn't had a chance. They were subdued and held.

They struggled but it was no use.

Then the Master approached from behind a nearby crypt. Spike's vampire visage surfaced but he still could not get free.

"So, here we are at last," the Master said. "Now my greatest creation is but moments away from being born. The most powerful killing machine the world has ever known and she will be mine to control."

Buffy's panicked eyes looked at Spike. He tried to reassure her but could not get close to her.

"Tonight a Slayer will be turned and she and I will rule the Hellmouth together."

Buffy gasped as she watched. She hadn't remembered any of this. She continued to watch although the words that were exchanged faded. She concentrated on watching her face and Spike's. She watched Spike struggle as the Master approached her. She saw herself struggle and unable to get away, she turned to Spike and told him she loved him just as the Master bit into her neck and drained her. Spike howled like a wounded animal when the Master slit his wrist and Buffy began to drink.

"Ultimate sacrifice." He understood now, too late. Buffy's worst fear had come to pass and he had been unable to prevent it despite the strength of his love and his best efforts. He would not, however, allow her to live as a vampire. He would not let her be condemned to that hell. He drew on strength he hadn't known he possessed freeing himself and dusting the vampires that held him. The other minions saw what was happening and ran to save themselves. The Master was too concerned with his new "creation" to pay attention to Spike which explained the look of surprise that crossed his face just before he turned to dust.

Spike looked at Buffy, her head was down and she had yet to look at him.

"I'm so sorry Buffy. I'm so sorry I couldn't do that sooner and prevent this."

She lifted her head and looked at him, her face that of a vampire. She laughed and he could feel the power in her and the evil of her demon.

"Save me from what Spike?" she asked in a husky voice.

"From this. I love you Buffy," he said as he stuck a stake through her heart.

She turned to dust and fell at his feet. Spike howled again and fell down on his knees gathering her ashes in his hands. The pain and rage at what he'd had to do built inside him and he was inconsolable. Dust. He had turned her to dust. All of his love and dreams were dust in his hands. Finally he collapsed face down on the ground and cried, his tears and her ashes mingling to make dirty trails on his face.

Watching from above, Buffy was almost as inconsolable as Spike. She had been turned and he had been forced to kill her. It was too cruel. It was evil to cause him such pain.

"Gabriel!" She bellowed for the Archangel. "Gabriel!!" she stood and looked up, watching for the Angel's arrival.

"So now you know," was his response.

"You owe me!" she spat out bitterly. "No more, it is forbidden. No more it's not the way of things. I will not beg anymore. Now, I'm demanding. You owe me."

"What is it you would have me do?" he asked knowing she had every right to her anger.

"You will let me talk to him one more time. I will say what I want and I will do it when I want."

"You may," he said and disappeared.

Buffy ran back over to where she had been watching Spike and saw him lying there. It was a scene she had seen once before just after arriving in heaven. She saw Spike lay there all night waiting for the sun to mix his ashes with hers. She saw Giles and Xander come and carry him away to Giles home where they had to chain him up to prevent another suicide attempt.

It was three days before he was able to tell them what had happened. They mourned her deeply. Her friends and family mourned her and they mourned for Spike. His love and pain were obvious to all of them and it was by virtue of that that they accepted him and became a surrogate family for him as they had been for her.

He got a little better after a while. It helped to have her friends and her mom around him. It was like having little pieces of her with him. Buffy watched the twenty years that followed her death quickly as she had already seen it all before. Spike stayed in Sunnydale and fought with the Scooby Gang and the new Slayer. She watched with renewed pain as her mother died from the brain tumor that had been discovered 10 years after Buffy's death. She saw Spike fall into despair again as his strongest link to Buffy and his surrogate mother passed away. She watched all the events of the past twenty years pass, Anya's death at the hands of a demon. Giles's death a few months later of heart attack. Each death drove Spike deeper into the despair that was never far from him. They were his friends and each one's death felt like another part of his heart and of Buffy was torn away from him.

Buffy continued to watch as the years passed, twenty, thirty, forty years since her death. Spike was slowly but systematically being drained of his will to live. Oz was killed by a werewolf hunter, Xander died in the army, fighting in the third world war and Cordelia was killed in a car accident in Las Angeles. Spike was there to say goodbye to each one. He visited their graves faithfully.

Buffy was there to greet them when they arrived in heaven. They all tried to convince her to stop watching and let go of the pain but she could not. It was no longer their pain and so they were happy as they were supposed to be and eventually they left her to her strange grief.

It was just Spike and Willow left, and Angel was out there somewhere but he had never returned to Sunnydale after Buffy's death. Finally, sixty years after her death, Buffy watched as Willow began to die slowly, an old woman alone in her bed except for the Vampire that sat by her side holding her hand. Willow had not had the heart left to fall in love again after Oz's death. She never married or had children. She had acted as adoptive mother to the Slayers who came after Buffy and best friend to Spike. She had saved him from himself countless times over the years and now she was leaving him too. She passed away quietly in the middle of the night with Spike holding her hand and telling her stories about the good old days when all of her friends had been alive and young. He felt her soul leave her body and he continued to hold her hand through the night intending to meet the dawn at her side.

Buffy knew it was time to act. There was no one to left to save him this time.

"Spike wake up."

The Vampire jolted awake still holding Willow's hand though it had grown cold. He had heard Buffy's voice, he knew it. Then he saw her. She looked just as she had in his dream all those years ago.

"Buffy," he cried desperately, "Love, is it you?"

"Yes Spike, I have something to tell you and you have to listen."

"Buffy, I can't go on. Red's gone and so is everyone else. Every part of you is gone and everything that was ever good in my life. I just want oblivion, to be free from this constant pain."

"Spike do not seek death or you will lose me forever."

"I've already lost you forever. I just want to stop the pain."

"Spike, even vampires have an appointed time to die. This is not your time. Do you remember the dream you had of me all those years ago? You already made the ultimate sacrifice by letting me go. If you continue to fight the good fight we can be together in heaven forever. I told you something might happen to make you reconsider wanting to regain your soul and be admitted to heaven. I still love you Spike. I will be watching over you everyday just as I have since the day I died and when your time comes we can be together."

"Buffy I don't think I can."

"I know you can. I love you Spike please don't leave me here alone forever."

With that she was gone. She had been pulled away from him. That was all she was allowed to say. It was enough. Spike woke from his dream. He was weary of life but he found the strength in her words to kiss Willow's forehead and walk out into the night to hide from the sun one more time.

Buffy continued to watch Spike everyday as she told him she would. He tried staying in Sunnydale to help the new Slayers but it would become to hard and he eventually had to leave. It wasn't that they were like Buffy, because no one could compare to his Slayer. But there was something in each one of them, a hint of Buffy in their strength and youth that would inevitably call up memories. None of them could match her spirit. They were robotic killing machines like Slayers were meant to be.

It was Buffy who had been different. He had fallen in love with her because she had a fire in her that no other woman possessed because she was strong and vulnerable and loving and honorable. No none of the Slayers that followed were like her at all but he would help and would eventually be forced to leave because something about the experience would recall a memory that would pierce his heart and leave him shattered all over again.

Eventually he moved to L.A. and found Angel. They fought the forces of evil together for 30 years. Neither of them feeling a moment of true happiness but finding a companionship that eased their pain. It was after Angel died fighting the newest in a long line of Masters that Spike finally gave in to his despair. He was truly alone. A few weeks after Angel died Spike sat in their apartment and talked to Buffy just in case she was still listening. His grief and her inability to help him any further overwhelmed her.

"I've tried. Damnit I've tried to be strong. To go on and do what you wanted but I just need you too much. Everyday since you died I've felt like my heart was ripped out all over again. The one thing that keeps me going is the chance that my visions of you were real and we might be together. But nights like this I feel your loss more than usual and my unworthiness more deeply than ever. You know, I've starting praying for death? Not to HIM, I'm still not willing to give him the satisfaction. No, I pray to you because you were everything of purity and light that I ever knew. So I pray to you for death, hoping that if you're really watching and still interested in the things of this world that maybe you'll put in a word for me and my next night will be my last without you."

Buffy couldn't stop crying. His loneliness was palpable. She could do nothing. She had used all of her chances to help him. The Archangel Michael heard her weeping and came to her. Buffy felt his presence. She always knew when the chief of the warrior angels was near. She didn't turn from watching Spike as she spoke.

"He's so alone and in such pain. Everyone here has perfect peace and fulfillment but I miss him everyday and I feel his pain. I can't let go like everyone else. I've watched him and ached for him everyday for 100 years. Why?"

"Did you ever hear the legend of how humans first became separated from their soulmates?"

"Soulmates Michael? This sounds more like Gabriel's territory."

"Just listen please," he said in a very Giles-like tone. "In your mythology it was gods who were responsible but in truth it was a race of angels who were banished in the fall. Part of their sin was punishing humans out of jealousy. In the beginning, human souls were complete and humans were content and happy. These angels became jealous of humans and rained lightning down on mankind, splitting every soul into two halves and scattering them to the four winds. From that moment every human had to spend his or her life searching for their soulmate, for completion. Some get lucky and find each other, others don't and can never know true happiness or fulfillment. Spike is your soulmate. You feel the way you do because you cannot be complete while Spike's soul remains earthbound." "But..."

"Oh I assure you, he has a soul. It's always been there, fighting the demon."

With that, Michael disappeared.

"Pesky angels. Always dropping a bomb on you and then disappearing."

Buffy returned to watching Spike and was just in time to witness his death.

Spike had been called back to Sunnydale to help the current Slayer. He was in the cemetery visiting the graves of his friends and his one true love when a Vampire caught him unaware. He had been grieving for so long and was so caught up in the pain that visiting the graves brought that he didn't even hear the vampire approach; or maybe he did and he simply didn't care. The Vampire jumped him and tackled him. Spike struggled but just didn't have the spirit left to overpower the other Vamp.

"So, you're Spike the traitor. I'll enjoy this. Say hello to hell for me."

Spike just smiled as the stake entered his heart.

The next thing he knew, Spike woke up lying on his back outside the Bronze.

"This can't be right," he said to himself. The Bronze looked just like it had 100 years ago when he'd first come to Sunnydale. He knew that the Bronze didn't even exist anymore. He walked through the front door and the sounds and people were just like he remembered from the first time he'd ever seen Buffy. That first night he'd seen her dancing. He spotted her usual table and was taken aback when he saw them all there as young as when he'd first met them, Xander, Anya, Willow, Oz, Giles, Joyce, Cordelia and even Angel. They were all there laughing. Was this a cruel joke? All these beloved faces lost so long ago but not the one he had lived 100 lonely years for, gone on for when all he wanted to do was end it, seek eternal unconsciousness to be numb from the pain?

He watched as one by one their conversations tapered off and they turned to look at someone in their midst that he couldn'tsee. Then they turned and found him with their eyes. Xander, Joyce, Cordelia and Angel smiled at him. Red started clapping her hands and bouncing up and down, she was so happy to see him. Giles reached for his non-existent glasses, presumably to nervously wipe the lenses. Oz smiled slightly with his mouth but his eyes danced. And, despite her absence, Spike found himself smiling. Then they parted and standing in their midst was Buffy.

She stared at Spike with a look of such joy that he was overcome. He had been tested and her love had made him worthy. He began to tremble and tears slid down his face as she came to him, kissed him deeply, and led him by the hand to join the others. The Circle was complete.

Unknown to those present at Spike's welcoming, Archangels Gabriel and Michael were watching with a great deal of interest.

"It wasn't his time for another 200 years Michael. Why did you interfere?"

"They'd both had enough pain. There shouldn't be such suffering, especially in heaven."

"You did it for the girl."

"Ah, perhaps. She would have made a magnificent warrior angel."

"She was a magnificent human."

"Yes, and she deserved to be complete."

******

"Spike?"

"Mmph?"

"Spike, wake up."

"I thought this was heaven luv, but obviously not if you're trying to get me to leave this bed and your delicious body."

"Be serious Spike. Remember I told you that heaven is our idealized versionof Earth when we lived?"

"Yes pet."

"Well, this is the best part."

She yanked his arm, pulling him from the bed and before he knew what was happening, they were fully dressed and strolling down the beach hand in hand. It was a beach he had seen thousands of nights but never in sunlight, until that moment. It was bliss.

As they walked away the two angels who were eavesdropping chuckled at what the beautiful girl said to her handsome man.

"Spike are you really gonna wear that same outfit forever? I mean this is heaven. Maybe we could work in some earth tones in place of the black and red."

"I like my clothes pet."

"But Spike..."

"Are you going to nag me about my wardrobe for eternity?"

"Yes"

"Good."

"How about dark blue to match your eyes?"

"No."

"Green? Brown?"

He just laughed and kept on walking, happy at last.

The End

Back to Fanfiction