IN HIS SHADOW (cont)
Chapter 12: Endings and
Beginnings
Magic items of numerous descriptions littered the top of
Spike's sarcophagus, replacing the sheets and blankets that now lay in an
unceremonious heap on his comfortable chair. Two pentagrams adorned the crypt
floor, surrounded by various intricate symbols, all drawn meticulously by
Spike paced restlessly. The witches had long since given up on him fetching
items for them. Not that Angel was of much help either. Spike's nervousness
seemed to have worn off on the other vampire as he now ran his hands nervously
through his hair.
"You're not having second thoughts are you, mate?" Spike asked Angel for the
third time that afternoon.
Angel shook his head. "I'm just concerned for you, Spike." He looked half
surprised to hear the words come out of his own mouth. "My demon has fought with
another demon for the possession of my body before. It was a short
fight."
"Eygon,"
"I won't let Angelus get me," Spike said. "I can't. This is too important."
He snorted. "Besides I can't wait to get that wanker
back for Dru. Having to watch him paw her, knowing
what he was doing" The last came out mostly grumbled.
"I know Spike." Angel cleared his throat, but his voice still came softly.
"I'm sorry he did that to you."
Spike blinked; almost unsure he actually heard that. "S'okay. Not your fault." He was just as uncomfortable
hearing it as he knew Angel was saying it, but for some reason his snarky comments weren't coming to save him from the
unpleasant situation. What the Hell was wrong here? His nerves must really be
frazzled if he couldn't even think of an annoying comeback. Something happen
already, he thought. What answered his silent plea for help was a sudden
commotion at the door.
"Spike, where are you?" Dawn yelled as she burst into the crypt. The door
slammed so hard in her wake that it smacked with a dull thud against the crypt
wall.
Practically cringing at the sound of her entrance, Spike muttered, "Bloody
hell". He should have known better than to tempt fate. Be careful what you bloody
wish for and all that rot.
He could tell by the tone of Dawn's voice this was not a social call. She knew.
Still, he had to try, didnt he? Attempting to appear casual, he put a smirk
on his face. " Hey Dawn, over here."
Before Dawn reached him, he gave his companions a quick look to communicate
that he wished to take care of the situation. Then he waited for her to cross
the crypt floor.
She stomped over to him. "Don't you Hey Dawn me, Spike!" She glared at him, not
even acknowledging anyone else in the room, perhaps not even noticing them. "How
could you do this to me?" Her voice quavered, and her eyes reflected
betrayal.
"Dawn..." Spike began, his voice
catching.
"No! Don't even try. You weren't even going to tell me. You were just going to
leave me."
"I'll still be here. In a way."
"But you won't be you."
"Look, here, I'll still..." No he had to tell her. It was true, so it shouldn't
be hard, even though he could feel three extra pairs of eyes staring at him. In
the end, though, he muted it, only expressing part of what he was feeling. To do more would be too much, too difficult, too
heart-wrenching. "I'll still... care about you, Dawn."
Dawn slapped him. "I hate you." Her eyes narrowed and her lips curled in
contempt.
Spike stood in shock, his blue eyes reflecting a pain that a demon shouldn't
be capable of. He looked as if his heart had been shattered.
Dawn turned in a flash, her hair flying violently. Then she ran. Spike
snapped out of his shock in time to halt her flight before she could reach the
door. With her determination, only his inhuman speed made it
possible.
"Please, Nibblet, let me explain," he begged her.
"What can you possibly say that would explain this?" Her eyes flickered
fire.
"I couldn't lose her again."
"What are you talking about? Buffy's not going anywhere." Her eyes widened. "She's
not dying. S-she isn't, is she?" Her last question came out with a note of panic,
and Spike figured that her emotionally taxed brain had made an illogical
leap.
"No, Bit, but it doesn't take dying to lose someone."
"Cryptic much? Come on, Spike. Spit it out. Just tell
me what you mean. You've always been straight with me, told me stuff when no one
else would. Don't stop now. You owe me that." Her eyes dared him to deny
it.
Spike sighed in defeat, and put his hands on her shoulders. "I can't go back to
the way things were between Buffy and I. Not now, Bit. It's too late for that.
I've had a taste..."
"You bit her!" Dawn interrupted, horrified, but then she shook her head. No that doesn't make sense... Her eyes widened in sudden understanding.
" Oh, my God! You're boinking Buffy!" She pushed his hands off her
shoulders.
"No, I'm not boinking her..." he started, then rolled
his eyes. "Well, at least that's not how I feel about it... Alright, but she's the
one boinking me," he said lamely, and knowing it was
so, he continued quickly. "It was an accident..." And promptly dug himself deeper.
Dawn narrowed her eyes and gave him a look that said 'I'm not that
stupid'.
Spike sighed again. "That's how Ive lost her. She can't accept... She broke it
off, okay? Said she wanted me, but she couldn't love me, that she was just using
me, and that it was killing her."
After a moment, Dawn made a face, and her attitude changed abruptly. " Boy, is she... I mean even I know you don't dump a guy like
that, and I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. Well at least a living one that
didn't end up a pile of dust. I mean guys are sooo
fragile. You can't just..."
She didn't get to finish, because Spike couldn't help it. After hearing her
words, he started to chuckle.
"Okay, getting weird now," Dawn said.
Spike stopped abruptly and returned his hands to her shoulders. "Don't let
anyone ever convince you that you don't understand things, Dawn."
"Well, duh," she said, but she was smiling.
Spike smiled back. "But you see now. She'll never let me back
in..."
"And you can't be just her friend anymore, now that you know what you'd be
missing. Yeah, I get that."
He touched a finger to her temple. " See,
smart."
She frowned a little. "But you could be wrong. Given time..."
He shook his head and placed a palm against his chest, letting his other arm
fall limply to his side. "Vampire, remember? Evil." He
dropped his hand from his chest. "I can't trust myself to be patient. I can't take
the chance that I might hurt her. This way, I can't. She'll be safe. From me."
"Spike, you'd never hurt her," Dawn protested. "I mean, God, you let Glory
torture you so Buffy wouldn't be hurt. So I wouldn't..." But his look and the
gentle shake of his head, made her stop her words.
"Love's a funny thing," he replied. "And desperate men do desperate
things."
"I trust you," Dawn said simply.
"Yeah, but I don't trust myself. This way, I know I can't hurt her, and I'll
still be able to love her. She can be happy. Have someone she
loves..."
"But Spike..."
He shook his head softly, once, his eyes telling her that his mind was made
up. The pain on his face was palpable. He looked like he had all that he could
take, like he had lost everything with no other hope of finding solace. And
there was something else. Resignation.
"She'd make you stay away from me, too," Dawn said knowingly, almost as a
whisper.
Spike said nothing. He knew he didn't have to.
Dawn's mouth twisted a little, as if she were making an effort not to cry,
then she took in a deep breath through her nose and exhaled slowly through
slightly parted lips. Spike watched her sad eyes move over his face as if
studying him, but he didn't move or attempt to hide from her gaze. Instead, he
tried to let his love for her show in his expression.
Dawn could see his emotions, always could see them plainly written in his
eyes. How Buffy had missed it for so long would always remain a mystery to the
younger sister. "Change," she said softly after a moment.
Spike's brow furrowed in confusion.
"I want to remember all of you."
Nodding in understanding, Spike blinked slowly, once, in acquiescence, then he let his face shift into his demon
features.
"Eewww," Dawn said, but she smiled at him, eyes
twinkling, to show him that she was teasing him.
"Very funny, Bit," Spike replied while Dawn moved a tentative hand towards his
demon face. He gently bit the tips of her fingers playfully when she moved them
to touch his mouth then let them go. He didn't hide his fangs, smiling instead,
and she returned the smile as she traced her fingers lightly over his extended
canines. Spike kept eye contact as she peppered her fingers softly up his
cheekbone, then lowered his lashes when she reached the ridges on his forehead.
Softly leaning his head into her touch, he made a small sound, like a contented
growl. After a moment, his eyes opened again, the color slowly changing from
gold to blue as she took her hand away, and his features shifted back into his
human face.
Her smile turned sad as she looked at him. "I'll miss you so
much."
The three other occupants of the crypt stared at the surreal scene that
played out in front of them. The exchange between the young woman and the
vampire could have been erotic, but it wasn't.
Without turning her gaze away, she said to her companions, "that was either very
sweet or very disturbing. I'm not sure which."
"I think it was both,"
"I'll vote for disturbing," Angel added.
Spike turned his gaze on the three, breaking the spell. "Well, what are you
people staring at? Are we going to do this or
what?"
*********
Furthermore, the plan seemed to require him doing most of the work; including
being teleported to Spike's crypt at the crucial moment. After having done it
once with the demon already,
Gnash's grunt brought him out of his thoughts. The
demon pointed to the statue he'd been frequently consulting for the past day and
a half. "It's almost time," he said with malicious
glee. "They are finishing the spell preparation right now."
A taloned hand beckoned
"The Slayer's sister," Warren answered.
"Lovely," Gnash commented. "How would you like to have her as a reward for
helping me? I could make her yours."
A grin graced
*********
The vampire nodded and went over to an alcove in the crypt, returning with
two sets of shackles. "Come on, mate. It's time." He motioned Angel towards one
of the pentagrams.
He looked at Spike with mild surprise, as if noticing for the first time that
the pentagram had been positioned in close proximity to a large metal ring in
the wall. "I have to be in chains?" he asked, but it was more of a statement
than a question.
"Damn straight," Spike replied. "Thought that would be
obvious. I will be too." He gestured to the pentagram he would occupy
which was similarly placed near a restraining ring on the adjacent wall. "Can't take any chances in case something goes wrong.
Speaking of which" Putting down the sets of shackles, Spike crossed to his
weapons chest.
He pushed it firmly into her hands. "Yeah you could. And you will if
something goes wrong. Do us both if you have to. You reset it like this." He
took the weapon back and showed her twice, likely realizing that she was still
rejecting the idea during his first demonstration. Then he handed the weapon
back to her. "Go on. Get the feel of it." He wouldn't leave her side until she
lifted the weapon and sighted it, finally nodding his approval when she did.
"Keep it handy," he told her.
Spike glanced at Dawn, who had been quietly sitting on the window bench. She
withdrew the stake from the back of her jeans and showed it to him. He nodded.
"Don't be scared, Bit, but if trouble comes, you run, okay?" Dawn nodded
back.
"Shouldn't she go home?" Angel asked.
"No," Dawn protested. "I want to be here."
"It's dark. Sun was setting when she got here. Buffy'd kill me if I sent her home alone in the dark," Spike
replied as he moved into his pentagram.
"Another time, not so long ago, Red, and this" Spike began with a purr when
she locked the first manacle around his right wrist.
"Don't you even say it," she interrupted him in playful warning as she yanked
the second manacle and chain through the large ring on the crypt wall, then
locked the cuff around his left wrist.
He raised his eyebrows at her, and gave her a naughty smile. "But I can think
it."
She raised her finger at him and said "Shh, or I
won't help you. Or better yet I'll tell Buffy and let her beat you
up."
Angel scoffed from his pentagram. "That would only encourage him. Ignore him.
He's just anxious."
"Am not," Spike protested then sighed. "Alright, a little
bit."
"Good, because this is serious,"
"I'm here, Baby," she said quietly, soothingly. "For Buffy," she
encouraged.
*********
Gnash watched the progression of the spell, waiting for the perfect moment to
send
Inwardly he snorted. The boy had almost backed out on him. Until he offered
the girl, that is. Humans were so easy to read, so predictable, and this one was
hedonistic enough to manipulate easily. It hadn't taken long to find something
to tempt him with. That and he still thought he would be around to enjoy the
fruits of his revenge. Knowing the vampire and his allies as he did, Gnash
doubted that, but if this
*********
As
*********
As Spike felt the first effects of the spell, he remembered why he hated
magic so much. Suck it up, mate, he told himself. You wanted this.
He opened his mind and accepted the magical power
The rage came without hesitation. He may have been muzzled by the chip, but
that didn't extend to demons and surely not to the demon now in his sights. Spike
had worried that he might hesitate, that he might have some residual feeling for
this demon who had taught him how to be a vampire, but he focused on the pain of
losing Drusilla to him and the hate came almost immediately. He roared in his
head and charged.
*********
Angel almost panicked. With the curse in effect, his demon had always been
kept in the cage; there but subdued, controlled. Except that one time before
when the presence of the other demon had somehow let it out for a moment to
battle for what was it's territory. This was like that time, only worse.
He figured that it must be the effect of the spell, but Angel could already
feel him and his demon separating a bit, and even stranger still, he could see
it and himself in his mind. Then he heard an inhuman but familiar roar and knew
it was about to get very crowded and violent in his head.
*********
Gnash hadn't told him exactly what would happen as a result of these actions,
and
*********
Pain was there, but it was inconsequential. All that mattered was tearing his
enemy to shreds. He couldn't be defeated. Giving up wasn't an option. It was the
last conscious thought he had before he succumbed to the primal fury of the
fight.
*********
Angel could feel the pain, but only vaguely, as if it were coming through a
filter. He saw his demon and Spike fighting, and knew the injuries he should
feel, but the pain didn't translate. It wasn't focused or connected to the
injuries he saw on the demons in front of him. And perhaps that disassociation
was what allowed him to see that something was wrong.
Beyond the demons, the light that had allowed Spike to come through was
getting smaller, like an iris closing. He knew somehow that this was the link
between their minds and that without it, without the strength of the connection
to his body, Spikes chances against Angelus would
decrease. Realization came to him.
*********
It took a moment for the vampire to react, but no one moved in that time,
each either too weary or shocked to react before the vampire did. He shook his
head as if clearing it and his eyes focused. "Here let me help you up there," he
said as he hauled
Dawn squeaked as Angel's fangs descended and bit into
"
But
*********
"God, I don't know what you witches did to me, but I feel great!"
he announced. He pulled on the shackles binding his wrists as if he was just
now truly noticing them. " Could do without these
though. How about letting me out?"
"Like we'd be dumb enough to do that," Dawn said. "You're not
Angel."
"Oh and what was your first clue?" he retorted mockingly. "Could it be - gasp
that I actually did something a vampire would do?" He wrapped the chains around
his arms. "Don't bother to get up. I'll take care of it myself."
"Shoot him now," Spike said, his voice coming out raspy. "He might get
out."
"Well thanks for playing
pin the stake in the vampire, but you missed, and I have places to
be."
"You're not going anywhere,"
"Oh yeah, and what are you going to do to stop me?"
"This,"
"Oh and I'm supposed to be impressed-" He broke off as
Angelus pulled the chains frantically, finally breaking them from the metal
restraint, but that was what
"Honey, are you all right?"
"I'll be fine, just give me a second to get up here."
Spike cleared his throat. "I didn't know how strong you'd become, so neither did
he. Otherwise he would have been more wary of you."
"That's not Spike," Dawn said softly, then raised her voice. "Spike doesn't talk
like that."
Spikes head tilted. "I saw the connection closing. I had to make a
choice."
"Where's Spike?" Dawn asked in panic. "Is he"
"He's here too."
"You sure?"
Spike's face turned, his fangs and brow rides
forming. "Ah, now Im insulted, pet. I have better taste than that." He indicated
"I could've told you that, Sweetie. I can see him now,"
"Well then, you better help me up,"
Chapter 13: Gains and
Losses
Wait a minute, Dawn's internal voice warned. Her brain was
still trying to process the dead guy on the floor and the fact that Spike and
Angel were both in Spike's body. Never mind the not-so-small problem of where
Angelus went. And now
"Y-you can't do the
rest of the spell now," she finally managed to blurt out. "You're all
drained."
"But we have to,"
"If you need to
rest," a still in vamp face Spike added, "we can wait." Then he rolled his eyes,
and muttered under his breath.
"I-is something
wrong?"
Spike quirked his mouth around his
fangs. "The Poof is
complaining in my head. I told him to sod off and be patient." He snorted. "Would
you quit Fine." He sighed. "He says it's important," Spike
snarked. His ridges and fangs receded and eyes turned
back to their original blue.
Dawn found it odd to watch. Even his posture seemed to change, though she couldn't place what the difference was exactly. When he spoke, though, she knew it was Angel and not Spike.
"Are you sure the timing isn't important? The style of the spell reminds me
of some of the prophecies weve looked at on our scroll, and the way some of the
words refer to dark and light remind me of-"
"References to
twilight and dawn,"
"Being when the
effect of the merger will take place,"
Angel nodded then
scoffed.
"What?" Dawn asked
him, knowing Spike had said something. She smiled. "What did he
say?"
"That it sounded
awfully symbolic and poetic for a spell," Angel supplied.
Dawn raised her
eyebrows and smirked.
"Only not quite that
nicely," he added.
"Well, spells in
themselves are already quite poetic and literary if you think about it, with all
the rhyming and repetition of themes," and
"I thought it was
insightful," Angel said with a small smile before his face turned, the look of
annoyance indicating his new alter ego was having a good time pestering
him.
Dawn just knew she would've loved to hear Spike's comment. She missed him already.
"But we have almost
9 hours before sunrise," Dawn pointed out. "We should be
fine."
Glancing at her
watch,
"But that explains
why the danger then,"
"Yes," Angel agreed.
"And you better not get any ideas either," he said to Spike, both in his head and
out loud. Then he rolled his eyes, explaining, "He just oh-so-politely pointed
out that we are in his body, therefore we have a chip."
"That's right,"
"The chip doesn't
designate between good and bad humans though," Dawn added with some concern, "so
you may have to be a little more careful."
"And we've seen him
get zapped,"
Everyone nodded in agreement.
The conversation
came to an abrupt halt with seemingly nothing left to say, and Dawn could feel
the discomfort in the room.
"How about I go let
Spi- ah, Angel out of the chains while you guys rest?"
she offered.
"It should be okay
now that they are both in Spike's body and Angelus is gone,"
"Where did you send
Angelus by the way?" Dawn asked as she retrieved the key.
"Someplace nasty,"
On her way to
Angel, Dawn noticed
"It's gonna be weird, huh?"
"A little," Angel
said with his usual dose of understatement.
Hearing
"I think I'm ready,"
she announced, then looked at
"We can both do it,"
Maybe it was only
her imagination, but Dawn thought she noticed a hint of trepidation in
*******
Gnash growled in
frustration as he watched the scene play out in the statues eyes. Fine, he thought. If Spike wanted a soul so badly, well now he
had one. Happy torment to him. That stupid Angel
just had to figure it out at the last minute. If he hadn't transferred himself
and demon Spike into Spike's body, the loss of connection would have surely meant
the traitor vampires defeat, and Angel might have been stuck with Angelus
forever. Of course they might have staked him as soon as they found
out.
He sighed. Perhaps
this was better in a way. Sure Angelus was somewhere in an alternate dimension,
but Gnash had experience with those as well as dimensional travel. With the
right spells, he'd find the vampire eventually. Then he could bring him back.
When no one would expect. After they'd
forgotten all about him. The demon smirked. After a stint in a hell
dimension with time to stew about it, Angelus was likely to be good and angry
when he got back. That'd be just fine with Gnash. Perhaps this hadn't gone so
badly after all.
*********
Power sucked and
surged all around him, making his body feel like it was being battered back and
forth amidst the crackling energy. He'd been through dimensional upheaval before,
but never quite like this. It was going on too long with too much power, and he
saw more than one dimension flash by him as he was pulled along through the
rift. Finally he seemed to slow, getting a good look at on odd sight before he
flashed through one last rift and landed in a heap on a hard
surface.
With a low growl,
Angelus sat up. In front of him, an eerie reddish cast glowed on a horizon which
held nothing discernable but jagged, barren rock against a ruddy sky. The sky
itself similarly held nothing familiar - no sun, clouds, moon or stars that he
could discern. Perhaps that glow on the horizon came from a setting sun, or
maybe the light just emanated from the rocks themselves. Well, he'd find out soon
enough he guessed. Perhaps a better question was - where the hell was he?
Wherever it was, it didn't look promising. There didn't seem to be any other
creatures in sight. He sniffed the air then, catching the scent of other beings
somewhere. Not recent, but there. The vampire smirked. This would be no Girl
Scout picnic, but he'd make do for now until he could find his way back somehow.
Besides it was certainly better than that last dimension hed plowed through.
What the hell had been with all the shrimp anyway?
*********
Buffy moved a hank of her hair to her nose and inhaled as she walked into the living room.
"Unh," she exclaimed, shutting the door behind her.
An extra long shower would be required
to get the grease and
Buffy moved into
the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, groaning at the thought of eating
anything substantial at this time of night. She settled on a yogurt, thankful
that someone had gone shopping, and ate it as she headed upstairs. As soon as the yogurt cup was emptied, she
practically clawed the uniform off her body and threw it into a corner of the
bathroom. 'This job will do stuff to you, Buffy,' echoed in her brain, complete
with British accent.She ignored the memory and turned
the water on. All she wanted was to wash it all away, wash everything away, and
for the next half hour that's what she tired to do.
*********
"I don't feel any
different," Angel said to
"That's okay,"
"You likely w-won't
feel the entire effects until dawn. You'll be in a kind of limbo until then.
Neither one of you in control until the spell completely binds
you together. But
"What's going to happen
then?" Angel asked. "What will Spike
feel?"
"We can't be entirely
sure of that,"
Nodding, Angel
turned his head to see Dawn staring at him with a slightly annoyed look. He'd
though he felt the tingle of a penetrating teenage stare. "Dawn," he
began.
"I should be getting
home," the teen interrupted with a huff. "Buffy will be worried about me." She
moved towards
"He made me promise
to visit you," Angel mumbled.
Dawn gave him a
weird look. "What?" she almost laughed.
Angel cleared his
throat. "He made me promise to visit you," he repeated. "So he could visit you.
At least once a month. A
weekend."
Dawn's eyes started
storming over, and she likely would have gone off on a teenage rant if Angel
hadn't let Spike take over. He watched the teen's face change as she saw the
ridges and fangs come forward.
"Nibblet, now don't be like that. I intend to keep that
promise."
The resolve on Dawn's
face crumbled, and she fell wordlessly into his arms. Spike held her awkwardly
at first, but then with more conviction, rubbing his cheek against the top
of her head. It was odd to Angel that he was the one more uncomfortable with the
embrace than the demon. Then he felt some pain as the teen squeezed him tighter.
" Oi, Bit," Spike complained.
"Not quite up to snuff yet, and
you're stronger than you look."
And it was true. There
were no outward physical manifestations on Spike's body from the fight he'd had
with Angelus, but there were aches and pains in the appropriate places. Perhaps
the only consolation seemed to be that the broken ribs had pretty much healed
themselves. Angel thanked whatever powers gave them accelerated healing that at
least this was the case.
"Sorry," Dawn said
sheepishly as she backed off, and once again joined
Spike smiled around his
fangs. "I have no doubt, pet." Then he turned to the women. "You guys go home.
Rest. I'll let you know if
something odd happens come sunrise."
"Not unless you want to
be a crispy critter,"
Nodding, Spike changed
back into Angel, almost with little thought. "Make sure that you get enough rest
first. That's the most important thing. Just in case something bad does happen,
youll need to be at full strength."
"Nothing bad will
happen,"
"I'll take care of
of"
"Put him near the
entrance no the east wall gate. We'll call it in anonymously in a few hours,"
"We'll see you
tomorrow,"
Angel watched them go
then sat to rest for a moment. He'd need a bit of time to recover before he took
on the task of removing
*********
One towel wrapped
snuggly around her body, Buffy rubbed her hair with another towel while
bitch-slapping that little voice in her head that told her using two towels was
an unnecessary burden on the laundry. Ha! She'd use them both at least twice
more before throwing them in the wash. Use of two towels justified, she though triumphantly.
Once finished with her hair, she hung that towel on a hook on the back of her
door and moved towards her bed to grab the pajamas from beneath her pillow.
Being dressed for bed would add just that much more impact when she scolded Dawn
for being late. Never mind that she'd have to redress to patrol around
She read the first part of the note quickly, but her mind stumbled over the part that mentioned Angel and binding his soul. She read that part twice more, a knot forming in her stomach. Oh, God. What does this mean? It'd been what she'd wanted for so long, but at the same time, the thought terrified her. What will Angel think of what I've become and oh, he has to know about me and Spike. She sat down on the bed, her legs unable to support her. Her breath quickened as she read the next part. She had thought it couldn't be harder to take than the last part, but she'd been wrong.
"Spike, what did you do?" she whispered aloud.
He was killing himself,
or close enough to it, just so she
could be happy. Oh
God, she thought, the strange conversation they'd had the last time she saw
him now making perfect sense. That's why hed wanted to know if she still loved
Angel. And her answer had encouraged him to go through with it.
Flinging the towel
aside, she yanked clothes from her dresser, dressing hurriedly. Maybe there was
still time To
what, she thought. Stop this? Is that what she wanted? She shook her head.
She'd figure that out when she got there, when she found him them. Less thinking, more
dressing, she scolded herself. In another two minutes, she was flying out
the front door, and the pictures rattled in response for the second time that
day.
*********
Bloody Hell.
It was
Spike's thought, but Angel heard it loud and clear. He'd just finished
depositing
Didn't think she'd find us so
soon, Spike added to his first reflection.
Too late
now. Here she comes, Angel thought back
to him.
As if to
illustrate his point, Buffy turned and focused on him, now heading with more
purpose in his direction. Angel wasn't sure he could read what her intention was
just yet, but he was soon to find out. Closing the gap between them, Buffy
looked at him with an almost relieved expression.
"Spike," she
breathed, but then her face changed quickly to an expression Angel couldn't
name.
She thinks you're me. Watch out, Spike warned
Angel.
Watch out for what? Angel thought.
Buffy
brought her fist back and punched the now blonde Angel in the nose.
That, Spike
thought.
Thanks a lot for the warning, Angel told him.
"What were
you thinking? Are you a complete moron?" Buffy yelled at him.
Grab her wrists, Spike warned. Or she might hit you again. And say something for God's
sakes.
Angel
grabbed Buffy's wrists, but faced with her stormy eyes all he could think of to
say was, "Buffy."
It seemed to
be enough. Buffy could tell something by the tone, or maybe the inflection. The
way he said her name, it was... different. "What..."
"Buffy it's
me," Angel said.
"Angel?"
Buffy asked quietly, searching his eyes.
He
nodded.
"How? A-and where is..." She didn't
finish the question, but Angel knew what she wanted to ask. If this was him, she
wanted to know where Spike was.
Let me talk to her, Spike thought to Angel, you'll get yours soon enough. I might not have much time
left.
Alright, was the answer. I guess I owe you
that much.
Angel let
his control slip away, and his eyes turned gold, and brow ridges formed as his
new demon, Spike, took over.
"I'm here,
pet," Spike said in his familiar accent. "Now, I'll let go if you promise not to
hit. I wouldn't mind having a go, but Angel isn't so use to your rough stuff
yet."
Buffy's lips
parted just slightly, and for once, Spike wasn't sure he could read her
expression. Was that... relief? Then she hid it, and her face turned to
confusion. When she nodded, Spike released her hands.
She let her
hands drop to her sides bonelessly, as if she were too preoccupied to notice
they had fallen.
"You
actually did it, but weren't you supposed to be..."
"Yeah, that
didn't quite go as planned. Angelus didn't quite want to vacate so easily. We
sent him to another dimension. This was the only way."
"So you're
both gonna... be in there?" Buffy
asked as she pointed to his chest, and she seemed truly unnerved by the
prospect.
"Yes, and
no, pet. Come sunrise... Well, I won't have so much say in the matter anymore.
I'll be here, but mostly only when the demon's in the forefront. That being me and all now."
After a
moment, Buffy said softly, "You didn't have to do this," but her voice didn't
match the conviction of her words.
"Yeah, I
did. You know it was the only way." He thought to Angel, Can I have control? Complete control, so I can talk to her
with my old face. One last
time?
Without a
word, Angel acquiesced, and Spike could feel his grand-sire's soul moving itself
away, suppressing its will. The blue eyes emerged, and the fangs and ridges
receded.
"It's still
me," Spike assured her. "I just wanted you to see me like this..."
"One more time," Buffy finished for him.
She brought
her hand to his cheek, noting how he had to make an effort not to flinch. Had
she really instilled in him so much trepidation at her touch? "I should be angry
at you. I should be furious," she told him.
"I know, but
I couldn't be without you, and you'd never let me..."
"I know,"
Buffy interrupted. She looked at his lean form. "This is gonna be so weird..."
Spike
smirked, and Buffy could tell by his eyes that Spike was about to make one of
his famous attempts at lightening the mood. "Yeah, but just think. You get
Angel's soul, but you still get to have this manly body."
As he said
it, the smirk turned seductive, and he slid one hand, fingers splayed, down his
torso to rest above the waistline of his low-riding jeans. The action was
familiar, reminiscent of his display the night of their first fight in Sunnydale High so long ago.
Her
reaction, however, was not the same. Desire had replaced the disgust and
trepidation, though sometimes she had to admit her feelings then may not have
been so far from now. "You're a pig, Spike," she told him, though her eyes
didn't show the expression to back up those words.
"Well,
maybe," he replied, his voice smooth as velvet and his lashes sweeping down and
then up again, "but I'm the one who makes you squea..."
She put her
fingers to his mouth quickly.
"Don't say
it," she warned, but her cheeks flushed, and her eyes smiled.
"Alright, I
won't," Spike said. "Actions are better anyway. With that he grabbed Buffy's
arms and kissed her thoroughly.
For a
moment, Buffy thought to protest, but she told that voice of reason to shut up,
and soon she was smoothing her hands over Spike's arms and chest and returning
the kiss with equal intensity. It was unnerving the way her body reacted to his
touch, how it seemed to melt and yield, while at the same time wanting to devour
him. In the end, she just gave in. There was so little time left for him. She
would let him have it, have her, all of her. Just this one last time.
Angel was sure that Spike would have told him to sod off if
he protested, but he was lost for the moment, drowning in Buffy's kiss. He
decided to let him be. Not that Spike would have paid him any mind anyway, not
with a beautiful Buffy in his arms. It was time for Angel to give in and leave
them alone for a while.
In the
moment before he banished himself again, Angel felt Spike's love for Buffy, but
it was so full of passion and fire that the elder vampire was amazed that the
other was able to keep himself together. He was still awed that Spike was able
to keep from biting her all this time, was never swept away in the heat of this
passion. Right now, he had to concentrate hard just to remain in the background
of what was turning out to be a rather heated... Oh Hell, were they really going
to... Right here in the cemetery?
Angel
couldn't keep from feeling what was going on any longer. It was too difficult
with all the emotions rushing in, but he forced himself to remain silent. He
reminded himself that this was not the romance and young, innocent love Buffy
had for him. This was passion and fire, desire and all consuming need -
something he now hoped he could have a taste of with Buffy, and that was because
of Spike. So no matter how jealous he was, Angel would not take away what might
be the last chance for Spike to have this. Instead he remained mentally quiet
and let the sensations Spike was feeling rush over his soul. He couldn't imagine
what would be coming, if the feelings he was sensing now were just the
beginning.
The build-up
was slow and blissful, but the rest was not. Angel could tell the moment Buffy
reached her moment of climax, the joy and pride Spike felt at having given it to
her almost blinding him. Spike's own release followed a few minutes later like a
rush of fire through Angel's soul. It was as close to being alive as a vampire
could come, and Angel now knew why Spike had done this, why he could never let
Buffy go. She was his life, his light, and letting her go would have been like
dying all over again.
Waiting for
the calm he knew would follow the lover's storm, Angel would give them a little more time to
just be together. A small part of him wanted Buffy to be his alone, but another
hoped for Spike's sake that the vampire would still be able to feel what was
going on, to maybe even have his own time with Buffy. They still didn't know
what the total effects of the spell would be on their respective essences, only
that Spike's role would be outshadowed by his own. Angel would be willing to
try to make that enough for Spike. He owed him that much for the opportunity he
would soon have, and the pain it would likely cause Spike once the effect of the
soul took hold.
Angel knew
his opportunity would be soon enough. It was a chance he had only dreamed would
come, and now he only had to wait a little longer. Never had he been so happy
for the approaching dawn.
They'd
lingered most of the early morning hours, talking, reminiscing, interrupted by
numerous sessions of kissing and more. God, Angel thought, do they ever stop?
Finally a sensation began to sink into Angel's brain. Dawn. It was coming soon.
Spike. Dawn's coming
soon. We have to go.
Go way, Angel. 'M
not finished yet. Buffy's got at least one more left. Somehow Spike
managed to make that thought even feel salacious. It was then that Angel
realized that he and Buffy were not simply spooned together on top of Spike's
leather coat as he had thought. Spike, and by default, he as well, had hands in
rather intimate places. One arm snaked beneath her waist, his hand resting on
her breast, fingers caressing her hardened nipple. The other arm draped over her
hip, his fingers deftly moving across her silken folds. Spike whispered in her
ear. "So Beautiful, Buffy. Come
for me, Luv. One more time." Angel thought to protest, until
Spike kissed her neck softly, and he realized his new demon was not going to
give up easily. Besides, Buffy didn't seem to be objecting.
As if to
further prove the point, she let out a soft moan, and her body responded to
Spike's touch with small movements of her hips. Then she shivered as lips played
against her neck again.
"Spike, we
have to go," Buffy said, her voice
breathy.
Neither
Angel nor Spike thought she meant a word of it.
"You know I
never let the sun stop me. Not where you're concerned. 'Sides we've got time,"
he assured her.
That was all the coaxing Buffy needed. Within moments she
was on the edge, and Spike drew it out a little longer before sending her into
climax. As she peaked, he slowly slid himself inside her. He was sure that she
would barely notice, he entered her so carefully, but she adjusted to him,
lifting her leg backwards to drape over his hip and turning her face over her
shoulder to look at him. He moaned, but didn't move, content to feel her quiver
around him, and they lay like that for a moment while she recovered. Then he
began moving his hips in a slow rhythm and blew soft puffs of air across the
skin beneath her ear, causing it to tickle and her body to shiver.
Spike knew
the moment she recovered. He felt her body tense just a little, and he smiled
when she opened her mouth slightly and her eyes flashed. Get ready, he thought to his counterpart. As if on cue,
Buffy pulled away, then turned, and leaped back quickly to straddle him. She
grabbed his arms and pinned them down forcefully in the same motion, her eyes
showing fire. Stretching his wrists above his head, she took them in one hand as
she moved the other down his chest. "Don't you move," she almost growled.
"Wouldn't
dream of it, pet," he replied, keeping his hands in self-made bondage. She
slithered down his body, trailing her fingers and lips as she went. Spike sent
Angel a small warning, not in coherent words, but enough for him to brace
himself just before Buffy sunk her teeth into the flesh at his hip bone. Spike
let out a low growl and his body bucked a little. "God, Buffy, you..." She bit
him again and he moaned, his hands clasping and unclasping above his head.
She crawled
back up his body. "What, Spike?" Straddling him again, she looked into his lust
filled eyes.
He panted
slightly now. "God, I love you," he said.
She nodded,
her eyes reflecting her acceptance of his words. "Are you mine, Spike?"
"You know
the answer," he breathed.
She brushed
her lips across his neck then bit him again, harder this time, just above his
collarbone. Her teeth left bruised indentations that were pricked with
blood.
Spike made a
sound, primal with need, and he squirmed beneath her.
Buffy ran
her lips across the mark. "Say it, Spike."
"I'm yours,
Buffy."
She lifted
herself, to gaze down at him, her eyes filled with the power he made her feel.
"Are you my willing slave?"
"Always."
She smiled
at him, repeating his words from earlier. "So beautiful, my Spike."
With a
sinuous movement, Buffy moved over him and took him inside her. Spike gasped
with pleasure and moved beneath her. She began riding him, her hands moving
towards his. Their fingers met halfway, entwining as she held them beside his
head.
"My demon,"
she breathed.
"Your
demon," he agreed, almost choking with his desire and the impact of her
admission.
"Show me,"
she said.
Spike
swallowed hard, his expression asking her if she was sure.
"Show me,"
she repeated softly.
Spike let
his features change, his eyes becoming gold, and his brow ridges coming to the
forefront. He felt exposed and unsure, until Buffy smiled again and began riding
him harder. Then Spike lost all coherent thought.
Buffy kept
her pace until he finally arched his back and came with a barely controlled
howl. "Buffy. God, Buffy." He
panted needlessly, his gold eyes not leaving hers as he tried to calm down from
his climax. She untwined her hands from his to caress his brow ridges, his cheek
bones, and his chin with surprising softness. Finally, she moved off of him, her
body coming to rest beside him instead. Her smile was sad, and her eyes were
filled with what looked like regret. Spike let his human features return and his
expression become soft, never letting her doubt the love that was plainly
written there. She wished she could give him more, Spike could tell, but she had
given him all she could. He let her see the acceptance in his eyes, telling her
without words that it was enough.
"I'll miss
you," she said.
"I'll be
here, if you need me. Always."
"I do need
you, Spike. It will be hard without you."
Spike smiled
sadly at her and ran his knuckles down her cheek. "You'll be fine. You're the
strongest woman I know."
Buffy took in a breath to halt any thoughts of tears. He
couldn't have given her a better compliment. She only hoped that she could live
up to it.
Without
words, they both looked towards the east, knowing that the sun would be rising
soon. After one last look, they dressed, intent on cheating the dawn.
Chapter 14: Hope
The glow of false dawn was already apparent as they walked
through the graveyard. Dew clung to their shoes, the disturbance of its droplets
leaving patterns in the grass. Neither said a word until they reached the safety
of the crypt. Then it was Angel who spoke, "Buffy, are you in love with..." He
cut himself off as she looked in his eyes, and Angel knew she could tell it was
him now. It amazed him that this woman could distinguish him so easily, even in
the body she was used to seeing as someone else.
"No. I don't know," she tried to answer his unasked
question. "I'm going to need time."
Angel wondered if she could tell he was confused by what
she'd said to Spike. If she could see the hurt and uncertainty plainly reflected
in his eyes.
It seemed that she could. A small sigh escaped her lips.
"I'm sorry, Angel, if you don't understand, but I had to tell him. It's the
truth."
He wanted to say something to stop her words, not entirely
sure he wanted to hear them, but Buffy wouldnt have it. She took the hand he
raised in protest into her own, muting her tone to soften the blow as she
continued. Somehow Spike was always mine, my responsibility. Even before the
chip. So many times I should have staked him She shook her head. But later he
was there for me. And for Dawn. He
told me the truth, even when I didnt want to hear it. Other times he just sat
and listened, even when I had nothing to say." Her gaze shifted to the crypt
floor. "And when he made me feel alive again and tried to love me even as I told
him he was nothing. Or when he said things he shouldnt have, because he just
wanted me to stay. All those times, in some way, he was always mine." She looked
back into his eyes.
Angel nodded slowly. "And now he's also mine. I guess
that's something we have in common." He smiled a little and was quiet for a
moment. Then he gave her a serious look. "You care about him."
Buffy nodded in return and smiled a little crookedly. "Though that part's fairly new. Even if he is sometimes a pain in the
ass." She was still smiling as she said it.
"Spike can be that," Angel agreed. Then he got a pained
look on his face as he heard Spike in his head thinking that sometimes a pain in
the ass can be downright fun under the right circumstances.
"What?" Buffy asked when she saw his expression change.
Angel shook his head. "You don't want to know."
"Oh, I think I can probably guess," Buffy said as she
rolled her eyes. Then she looked out the crypt window and tried to gauge how
close it was to dawn. "It's going to be bad, isn't it?" As she returned her eyes
to his, her expression was one of worry.
Angel nodded. He could feel Spike becoming restless, his
final teasing comment the last bastion of composure he'd had left. "I'm not sure
exactly what's going to happen either. Maybe you should leave."
Buffy shook her head. "I'm staying right here. I'll see you
through this, both of you."
Holding her arms, he looked into her eyes. "If you need to
leave, just go, okay? I'm serious, Buffy. It will probably be better for both of
us. We'll get through, but it might be rough for a little while."
"I'll be okay, Angel. I promise..."
It was then that the first wave hit him. Angels grip
tightened on Buffy's arms before he forced himself to let go. He didn't expect
the physical pain. That usually came with getting or losing the soul, and his
soul was already present. A grunt came from his throat, and he fell to his
knees. He vaguely heard Buffy calling his name, but it was drowned out by the
anguished scream he heard from Spike as the impact of the soul hit the demon.
Then his own consciousness was assaulted as memories of things Spike had done
flooded into his being. Angel still had his own memories, though he wasn't sure
how. Maybe they were indelibly imprinted on his soul after so many years, but
now he inhabited a different body with different memories, and as his soul
merged with the new demon in a new body, those memories became part of him as
well. Angel vaguely remembered thinking I should have thought of this, before he screamed.
"Angel! Angel, whats happening?" Buffy shouted trying to get him to respond.
But he only screamed then fell to his knees. Oh, God, Angel. She felt helpless to do
anything but kneel by his side with a comforting hand on his arm. Whats wrong? She
didn't know, and her facade of calm was crumbling. She watched the body that
once belonged to Spike fall to the crypt floor and curl into a ball. Almost
without thought, she retrieved one of the blankets from where it lay on Spike's
tattered chair and put it over the now shivering form. The shivering stopped,
and Angel's body grew still for the moment. He- they couldn't be dead, but how
could she tell?
"Buffy," he said, but it came out as a harsh sound. "Rest."
Her mouth a twisted frown, she nodded even though he couldn't see the gesture.
"You rest now. Ill be here when you wake up."
This was all too much, too fast. She'd kept herself
from thinking about it very much while she'd spent those last hours with Spike,
because she'd felt he'd deserved her attention. He'd only had that little time
left. But now with
no one for company but the unresponsive vampire beside her, there was nothing to
stop her silent tears. Spike was likely gone, and Angel, Angel who she hadn't
seen since that day he had called her after her return from Heaven This
was him now. And he was here. Was she really ready for it? And was he really
ready for the woman she'd become since her return?
Buffy slid to the floor, leaning against the old familiar
chair for support, and cried.
*********
Slipping cautiously into the crypt,
"Buffy?"
"What's wrong with them, Will? What did you do to him?" Her
green eyes were confused.
"It w-was me,"
"I know," Buffy whispered. "He told me. He didn't want to
hurt me." She looked at
"Why would he-" She shook her head and wiped away any
traces of tears. "I know why."
"He really was afraid, Buffy,"
"It was a dream." The voice was hoarse but steady.
Angel sat up slowly, rolling his muscles and groaning a little. He had a
dream.
"Angel," Buffy said, certain it was him. She moved to
his side, but was careful not to touch him to much. "Is that what he told
you?"
Angel ran his hands over his face and shook his head.
"I have some of his memories now. The most recent ones are the most clear."
He looked at Buffy. "Spike has dreams sometimes. Not normal dreams,
but more vivid. They tell him things he doesn't always want to admit at first.
He had one about you." Angel lowered his head. "A dream where he
hurt you while trying to convince you to come back to him."
Buffy's forehead wrinkled and her lips parted a bit. Her
eyes darkened as she thought of the last few times she and Spike had shared
together before the break up, thinking of how he'd become more insistent and
less willing to listen to her. "What kind of dream?"
Angel shook his head. "I can't tell you. It wouldn't be
right, but it was bad, bad enough to scare him."
"He really didn't want to hurt me," Buffy said
softly. Taking a startled breath, she looked at him as a thought came to her.
"Can you still feel him?"
Angel looked solemn as he answered. "He is here, and I
suppose in time, I will feel him more than I did Angelus, but-"
"What?"
"He closed himself off," Angel interrupted her.
"What do you mean?" Buffy asked. She felt a cold chill go
down her spine at his words. Even in Spike's body, she could read his tone and
body language, and they were telling her that this wasn't good.
"It'll take him some time. Guilt over you was one thing,
Buffy, but this-"
"With the merging he feels the effect of your soul. He
feels guilt for what he's done now,"
"He knew th-that was coming,"
"It's different to actually feel it," Angel said. "He'll
have to learn to live with it." He shook his head, and said softly. "I think
he's trying to shield me from it." He looked at Buffy, and smiled sadly at
the irony. "As if over a hundred years hasn't been enough practice."
"Maybe we should go,"
"As long as I don't move too much," Angel
joked. "I'd forgotten how much magic can hurt."
"Thank you," Buffy said. "I'll try to be home by
dinner."
"I missed you."
"I missed you too."
*********
As he slowly woke, Angel felt a warm body nearby. He and Buffy lay together
on the sarcophagus, a blanket beneath them, the magic supplies moved to a heap
on the floor. His body felt better, because the aching had dulled considerably,
but he still felt strange, as if something was different. Then he realized that
it was because he was so near to her, and it had been so long since he had been.
The fact that Spike's body felt different- lighter and smaller - was likely also
a factor. He would have to get used to her being closer to his size now. Moving
closer and spooning against her, he decided that it wasn't all bad. Buffy seemed
to fit against him perfectly, his cheek nuzzling the back of her head.
She moved a little in her sleep, murmuring. For a moment
Angel was surprised that Buffy could so easily sleep on the hard surface, but
some recent memories of Spike's reminded him of why that was so. The memories
were disconcerting, because he hadn't lived them. They held no real impact; like
a movie he'd seen rather than something he'd lived through. They made an
impression, but not the same as if he'd actually been there. It probably wasn't
unlike Angelus's feelings as he first inhabited Liam's body and inherited the
memories. Then why had all Angelus done while he was away seemed so much more
affecting when his soul returned?
He closed his eyes trying not to think of Angelus any more,
realizing that the demon was why he was holding back, why he tried so hard not
to feel too much while Spike and Buffy had been together those last few times in
the cemetery. He knew he wanted to be with the woman in his arms right now, but
unlike that one day when hed become human, he was still a vampire, and he
remembered all too well what had happened the last time hed let himself be with
her when he was. He couldn't lose his soul. He was bound to Spike, the witches
had assured him, but convincing himself of that was another step; a large, scary
step that made his stomach clench and his throat tighten. He felt Buffy turn in
his arms and opened his eyes to look into hers.
"You okay?" she asked him.
"I will be," he told her, and looking into her soft,
worried face, Angel somehow began to believe that he would be.
*********
Four days. It had been four days, and he had done little
more than kiss her chastely. After all this time could it be that he didn't even
find her attractive anymore? Or worse yet, was he appalled by her now? He'd said
that he had some of Spike's memories. Oh God, she thought, then pushed her fear doggedly back down. It is so not for him to
judge me. Not now, now that she'd gotten him to spill his little secret
involving a certain ex-nemesis of hers named Darla and a now teenaged son named
Conner who was wandering around L.A. somewhere. Besides, she understood. It
wasnt like she was expecting him to immediately move to Sunnydale and live her life now. She didn't need
that from him anymore. This distant moodiness though; that was the pits. Buffy
grunted in frustration, pulling her drawer out so hard that it slipped out of
the dresser, causing her to fall on her butt and the drawers contents to spill
onto the floor.
"Geez," Dawn
commented from the doorway. "Remind me never to be a drawer when you're trying
to get ready for patrol. What's the big anyway? Trouble with Angel?"
The name came out a bit sarcastic, and Buffy stuffed down
her irritation as she rose from her undignified position. She reminded herself
that her sister lost much more than she had in this bargain, because unlike her,
Dawn had only lost a friend. In the teen's eyes, there was no good in return.
She'd never really had a connection to Angel. "No, no trouble," she
answered casually.
Don't think those are required gear for patrolling anyway,"
Dawn teased as she pointed to the lacy underwear that Buffy was gathering up and
unceremoniously stuffing into the drawer.
There was no time to put it back neatly. Well there was,
but the quicker it left her sister's prying eyes the better. "Don't you have
homework or something?"
"Oh there's always homework, but this is much more fun. Why
don't you try the black ones? Can't go
wrong with basic black."
Buffy narrowed her eyes in mock sisterly ire. "And you know
this how?"
Dawn shrugged. "Cosmo, Sex in the City" her eyes grew wide
as she realized she'd let that slip. "Or so I've heard," she back-pedaled.
"Oh, I so know that was Spike's doing," Buffy muttered.
"Oh, no, Nibblet, here," she said, pointing to herself. "He'd
never let me" She trailed off and frowned. "He had a moment of weakness in the
face of much begging," she admitted. "And
a few beers. We were both kinda down, cuz well"
"I was dead," Buffy concluded.
Dawn nodded somewhat sullenly, but then smirked. She
started digging through the closet, quickly and efficiently rejecting outfits.
"Besides, don't worry. I paid for it. There was much threatening and
big-brotherly-like lectures on the dangers of sex." She rolled her eyes. "As if I didn't know that
already."
"I'm sure he misses you," Dawn.
"He promised to visit," she almost whispered as she held
out a pair of black leather pants and a charcoal gray, long-sleeved shirt. Of
course, the outfit was perfect. "Spike keeps his promises, right?"
Buffy nodded as she took the clothing. "Yeah, he does."
********
The vampire population had seen much better days. As she
dusted yet another, Angel became certain that something was bothering Buffy. He
also had an idea he shouldn't ask, or more precisely that he probably should,
but wasn't going to like the answer and the inevitable discussion that would
follow. He stopped her from marching on by walking in front of her and taking
her arms. You
shouldn't, his brain warned him. "Buffy what's wrong?" Stupid.
"It's me, isn't it?" she said flatly, crossing her
arms.
Uh, oh, Angel thought. It was more than him that recognized the
fire in her eyes. Although he hadn't felt anything from Spike other than small
impressions in these last few days, memories of her expressions and more recent
moods were there. This one was definitely dangerous territory.
In his silence, Buffy continued. It seemed that his
non-reply counted as an answer. "Well excuse me, Angel. It wasn't exactly easy
coming back here after being where I was. I'm sorry if I no longer live up to
your expectations of a good girl, or if you no longer find me attractive because
of it, but I"
He grabbed her and kissed her hard. That'll shut her
up, something in his mind told him, and he thanked whatever it was as she
returned the kiss. Angel wrapped his arms around her, surprisingly enjoying that
she didn't have to stand on tip toes to kiss him. He liked the feeling of her
strong arms snaking around him as well, reaching into his hair.
After a moment she broke the kiss. "That didn't really
answer my question. Well, okay, it did a little."
"I've been worried, Buffy," he admitted before he lost his
nerve. "Last time we were together, it didn't end well if you remember."
An expression crossed her face, an understanding. Then she
looked at him with love. And
assurance. "That's not going to happen this time, and even if it did,
Angelus won't take over. He can't. And even if it did, we'd just get your soul
back again if you lost it." She put a hand on his cheek, stopping him from
looking away. "But that's not gonna happen. If Spike used magic, he
only would've done it if he was sure it would work."
Angel closed his eyes and looked down, knowing he was going
to regret telling her this next thing.
"You're leaving tomorrow night," Buffy stated before he
even opened his mouth.
Angel looked at her with amazement. When had she gotten so
good at reading him? "I'll come back. Soon. But I have to"
"I know," she interrupted him. "I know you have a life
there, Angel, and a son to find and reconcile with. I don't need you to be here
all the time. I can stand on my own now. She smiled reassuringly. But having you
here sometimes will be good."
Angel smiled back. God, she was incredible. "Buffy, I have to leave
tomorrow night," he said teasingly.
"Then I guess we'll have to make the most of tonight, won't
we?" She gave him an inviting smile which turned into a teasing smirk. "Just one
more cemetery"
Angel grunted and pulled her against him. "I think we've
done enough patrolling tonight." To prove his point, he kissed her again,
his lips meeting hers first softly, then with more insistance. He could feel her heart racing against
his chest and hear the sound of her soft moan. He had missed these feelings so
much. Forcing himself to withdraw
for a moment, Angel looked into her flushed face. "Let's go home."
They made it as far as Spike's crypt.
********
Concentrating on the sounds of the rushing air and the
surrounding road, Angel drove down the freeway towards
Turning on the radio came next. He flipped through the
channels, thinking it fate when he found a Barry Mannilow tune that had just begun, but when
commercials came on right after, he decided hed put it off long enough. Picking
up the dreaded thing Cordelia
called a necessity, Angel punched in the numbers on the cell phone, already
imagining the urge he was sure to have to throw it out on the highway and watch
a truck run over it. No, nothing could go wrong now. He was finally happy, and
he didn't have to be afraid of that happiness anymore. In time, he hoped Spike
would be happy with him. There was hope; he was sure he'd felt him last night
when he was with Buffy.
The ringing stopped, and a familiar voice said "Angel
Investigations, we help the hopeless" with only minimal interference from
static.
"Cordy," he
replied. "I'm on my way back now. I have something to warn you about though
before I get there" He smiled, imagining that for once he might actually
surprise the unflappable Cordelia. Perhaps he wouldn't tell her the whole
story, let her be surprised in person. Claiming interference from static would
be a good excuse to leave out the details. His smile widened. This was going to
be fun. From now on, a lot more things were going to be fun.
Epilogue
Sometimes as they lay
entwined, Angel would look at her, and he would know. Buffy didnt know how he
could tell. Maybe there was a look in her eyes or a turning of her lip, but
somehow he knew. And he understood. At that moment, she didnt want tenderness or
light, the things that signified him. She needed the other. She wanted the
darkness. Buffy sometimes thought she could sense a small hurt in his eyes then,
but it would fade. Angel wouldnt deny her, and he wouldnt deny him. I love you, he would say, then let himself fall
away, give himself over.
The change would be
gradual. Angels now blue eyes would turn gold, then his brow would change, and
his touch would grow a little rougher. Once his lips curled into that smirk,
still sexy despite the fangs, she knew Angel was no longer in control, and she
held nothing back. Once Spike had control, their union was fire and passion
above all else. There was still love, especially from him, but it was buried
beneath an avalanche of need and desire and rough, animal lust. When she closed
her eyes, she could recall the expressive blue eyes and the chiseled features of
the Spike she once knew, and remember when she had needed him so desperately,
and how sometimes, even now, she still did. Buffy could let herself go and be
lost for a while. But she always opened her eyes again to look into his gold
ones. She always gave him that.
Sometimes there was
momentary guilt, just as there had been before, but that faded more quickly as
time passed. Then she had mostly used him; now it was different. She did love
this demon, her Spike, because she
now knew he wasnt simply a monster. Something that was just an evil demon would
never have sacrificed so much for her, never would have become almost a prisoner
in his own body, taking only stolen moments for himself. For her, Spike had
allowed himself to exist in Angels shadow. And for that, Buffy would always love
him. She hoped he could see it in her eyes, even if she could never bring
herself to say it. Somehow, she knew he did. Just as somehow she knew he would
someday be healed from the effects of Angels soul.
He was getting better
and better as the weeks passed, because more and more she saw glimpses of things
that were fundamentally Spike. The way he
tilted his head. The way he looked into her eyes and didnt let her turn
away. The way he never let her delude
herself, bringing her to her senses with just a look. Spike was still
there, his obvious presence more than they had expected from the spell, and
Buffy was glad that it was so. She hadnt wanted to be without him; without
either of them.
Buffy knew now with
increasing clarity that she could never have the contentment of a normal life,
but perhaps she had something better. She had the love of two beings who would do anything for her happiness.
She had her Angel, the man with the beautiful soul who would always long to take
her into the light. And she had the demon, her Spike, who understood that she
sometimes wanted the darkness and who would be content to love her in the
shadows.
End of Book one