Title: Shell of a Man
Buffy wasn't at all prepared for the depth of emotion his kiss unleashed in
her. She had initiated the kiss but it was he who took it to new depths, and
she eagerly followed him. It ignited a passion in her she'd thought was all
but dead. She could taste bitter cigarette smoke on his breath but instead
of repulsing her it further intensified her passion, because it seemed such
a part of him. She could feel him surrounding her as if their lips were
joining them in a blissful dance of fulfilment. It was the single most
enticing moment of her life. She was baring herself completely into desires
deeper than she had ever imagined.
Except even as the pleasure clouded her senses, a sense of fear gripped her
chest. She felt as if Spike could see directly into all the corners of her
soul. And as sure as she'd become of her feelings for him, she wasn't at all
prepared for that; for feeling like they were two halves to one soul. She
realized now that's exactly what they were and she understood fully all that
he had been saying before. She was his soul; and in a strange twist of fate
that made no real or logical sense, she was a part of his lost one as well.
As the kiss carried her further then she knew it was possible to go with a
joining of lips, Buffy comprehended with absolute certainty what he'd meant
when he'd said he was drowning in her. At the time she had hardly been
listening to his words because she was swimming in denial, but in this
moment, at this time, she understood it unequivocally. And this is what
scared her. This is what made her pull away, moving from his grasp and
taking with her body, all the rightness that few priceless moments had given
her.
"Sorry, luv." the drowned voice said "I forgot you have to breathe."
Buffy realized for the first time that she was gasping for breath. Except
it wasn't only oxygen she craved, it was escape. This wasn't supposed to
happen. Nothing in the last couple hours was supposed to have happened, but
she figured that if life on the Hellmouth had taught her one thing it was
that things never turned out how they were supposed to. And she'd come to
accept that sometimes things were better for it.
Still, he shouldn't have been able to stir up all these feelings with just
a kiss. Just a kiss - she almost laughed out loud - that was the
understatement of the century.
Buffy was so caught up in her thoughts that it took her awhile to notice
Spike looking at her with a curious gaze. She could see the happiness
radiated in his eyes and it hurt her more than she, in her anxious state,
wanted to admit. She'd thought she was ready for this but that was before
she was aware of just how big *this* was. It all seemed like so much, so
fast.
'Arrrrggghhhh!' Buffy screamed at herself, trying to banish her fears away.
What was wrong with her? Why did she always pull away from people?
Desperately she tried again to convince herself that this was right, but the
anxiety resurfaced and this time it brought with it doubt - if she was
feeling this way maybe it meant something.
She could hear Spike's voice, but once again it sounded miles away. She
darted her eyes around wildly as the fear continued to grip at her chest and
she found she couldn't breathe.
"Buffy, are you alright, pet?" Spike asked her concern in his voice as he
reached out a hand to steady her shaky form.
"I - I. . . I have to go!" she uttered as she quickly stood up, backing
away from his touch.
"What? What's wrong?" Spike asked her, trying to get some answers but she
hardly heard him as she averted her eyes from his. He tried to push himself
off the ground, wincing in pain.
"I just - I should go see Giles, and tell him about the. . . uh. . . the
Knight guys." Before Spike could protest, Buffy turned and fled the cemetery
taking in gasps of air as she ran.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Spike sat in the same spot as when she left, staring into space. Confusion
plagued his thoughts. He had been *certain* this time that everything was
working out. He'd seen it in her eyes - she wanted him. She could feel the
pull between them. And yet here he was sitting, stone still, in the cemetery
- by himself.
Pulling a rectangular object from his pocket, Spike leaned against a nearby
gravestone, and did the only thing he knew of that might dim the pain.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Her limbs ached all over from the beating from the Knights, but still she
ran. By the time she reached Giles' house her breath came in gasps but she
finally felt like she could actually breathe and she wasn't suffocating on
the air. Giles opened the door and started at the sight before him.
"Buffy? What happened? Are you alright?" He led her inside as he continued
to look on in concern. She was confused for a moment until she realized that
she must be covered in cuts and bruises from the fight. Funny how such
things can slip the mind through more important preoccupations. She looked
back at Giles and gave him a look to let him know she was fine.
"Yeah. I'm good. The Knights of Hack-and-Slash were just singing their
broken record again." Buffy sat down and Giles took the seat across from
her. He was still concerned, not only because of her appearance but by what
he could have sworn were tears in her eyes when he answered the door. Of
course, after the death of her mother, he knew that grief was to be
expected. The fact was, she'd taken so long to come to him for comfort that
he figured she didn't need him.
Giles took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, hating to talk Slayer when
she was obviously in more pain about something else. But it was what he had
to do. He was a watcher, and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't be more
than that.
"What happened?" he finally asked. Buffy stared at him in a hazy moment as
if trying to figure out why his mouth was moving and yet she couldn't
decipher the words. She finally realized what he was asking and sat down on
the sofa, prepared to tell the story.
"I was walking back from seeing my mother. Her grave." She stopped talking
for a moment to regroup her thoughts so as not to get emotional. "Then I
heard Spi - . . . I heard something and the Knights just showed up out of
nowhere and attacked me from behind. They started to drag me away but then
Spike showed up, trying to save me."
That was the last thing Giles expected to hear but he didn't question her.
It was obviously important to her to tell the story.
"Of course he couldn't do anything because they're human. I could have
taken the two that were there but about a dozen more surrounded us through
the trees. I remembered what that one guy had said. Something about 'kill us
and let legions follow'. I couldn't fight twelve at once anyway and I didn't
want to stick around to see if more would show up. So we ran. What else
could we do? A few of them caught up to us and just as one of them was about
to chop me into Buffy bits Spike actually took a sword and killed him."
Giles was shocked at that. "But - what about the chip?" Buffy noticed his
concern and quickly assured him, her face coated with grief, as she related
what has happened next.
"It went off. He passed out, I think from the pain, or else the blood loss.
Can vampires faint from blood loss? I don't know. But he was just lying
there, covered head to toe in blood. You know what the really stupid thing
was? All I could think was 'I hope he knows a place where he can get those
blood stains out of his coat'." She stood up and paced over to the other
side of the room as if angry at herself.
"He's lying there bleeding and I think about his coat of all things! Of
course. . . it is a really nice coat." It was probably meant to be factual
but Giles heard sorrow in her tone.
"He just looked so pitiful Giles. It hurt just looking at him. Vampires
shouldn't bleed that much, you know? I had to practically shake him awake
and of course the moment he woke up he had to say something so annoyingly
like him. But I couldn't be mad. Can you believe that Giles? It's Spike. The
evil annoying vampire whose sole purpose in life is to make me miserable but
in that moment not a single bad thought entered my mind. All I could hear
was his words so clearly in my head 'You know you want to dance'."
She came back to the couch and Giles had to stop himself again from asking
more questions. He'd had no idea how much Buffy and Spike had obviously
shared. So he listened patiently as she continued.
"The first time he said those words to me I told him that even if I wanted
to it would never be with him. I always said things like that to him.
Completely awful things Giles. Things I never thought would come out of
mouth. And you know what makes it worse? He was right. About everything.
About - about Angel. . . and about my death wish. The dancing too. I said it
would never be with him but he was right - that's all we've ever done. I
don't know how I didn't notice that before. . ." she trailed off and then
shook her head as if trying to clear the jumbled thoughts.
"Anyway, I helped him sit up and we talked. Or he talked, but for once I
listened to what he was saying in the moment, instead of realizing it's
worth later. He told me that I'd never find love."
Giles started to object but she gave him a look. "It wasn't like that. He's
right, again. I don't know when he learned so much about me. But it's true,
I can never find love. At least not the kind I've been looking for. I keep
thinking if I find the right guy at the right time. . . but look at what
happened with Riley. That kind of love doesn't work for me. I was fooling
myself thinking it did." Giles couldn't bring himself to argue a false
battle.
"You know what got me the most?" Buffy continued. "He said that he would
never hurt me. Nobody I have ever been with has told me they wouldn't hurt
me and meant it. But he meant it, I know he did. He's the only person who
always lets me be exactly who I am but knows me well enough to know when I
just need to be wanted. It may not be much. . . but it's something." Buffy
stopped talking and they sat in silence for a few minutes. Then, as if
suddenly remembering that she hadn't finished her story, she spoke again.
Quickly, like scattered thoughts.
"I wasn't really at all prepared for what happened next. He'd just saved my
life so I guess I was just feeling grateful. It's not that big of a deal
anyway. We were caught in the moment, or at least I was. I mean it's not
like I wanted it to happen. Or maybe I did. But that doesn't mean it can
ever happen." She looked distinctly sad at the prospect. "God Giles! What do
I do now?"
Giles rubbed his temple to try to stop the pain that was building there.
"Perhaps you should clear something up for me first because I'm not sure I
understand. What exactly did you do?"
"I kissed Spike!" she exclaimed as if he should have known this already and
he was making a nuisance by making her repeat it. Giles started, faltering
as he spoke.
"Oh, we- well. . . if it was only this once, I don't think - "
Buffy rested her head in her hands in frustration and Giles stuttered for a
little bit not sure on what to do. Everything Buffy had been saying was
still swarming through his brain as he tried desperately to grasp it. He sat
a moment, as Buffy began chewing on one of her nails in nervous
contemplation, and he tried to process all that she had said. That was when
the disturbing truth hit him - Buffy loved Spike. Giles didn't know when it
had happened, or how, but she did. 'Oh bugger' he thought.
"This is quite unexpected" was what he said, even though he knew it wasn't
true. Buffy had told them herself that Spike was in love with her and
despite some of her actions he knew that there was something on her side
too. But this. . . he had hoped it would never come to this again.
"*I* certainly didn't expect to do it. . . but he just made me feel alive.
For the first time in. . . I don't know how long. It scared me Giles. Really
bad. I just left him there because I don't know if I can handle this right
now. To feel so much and risk losing it all again. I don't know if I can do
it."
"But you want to?"
"You know I can't approve of this but you've been through enough lately
without having me tell you what's right. So do what you feel you have to and
nothing less than what will make you happy."
Buffy looked at him a minute as if contemplating the question. "Happy?
That's not a word I know much about." She laughed pitifully. "I think what
would make me happy is to take some time - a lot of time - to figure things
out. But I do think I want this." Giles nodded, glad that she was going to
take it slow. Maybe, he thought optimistically, if she moved slow enough
he'd be dead before he had to see it.
Quietly she added, "I just don't know when I'll be ready." Giving him a
quick hug she rose to her feet once again.
"Thanks Giles." She headed to the door but turned back to look at him
before she left. "You know I love you right?"
He nodded almost unnoticeably and watched, as he was born to do, as she
walked out the door. It was only after the dull thump indicated that the
door had closed that Giles allow himself to breathe. He spoke quietly to the
stale air of his apartment, "You're never ready for love Buffy. It comes on
it's own. Whether you want it to - or not." And he acknowledged the bitter
truth - he'd finally lost her.
Part: (1/2) Sequel to 'Worth Dying For'
Author: Jessa (jessa_88@hotmail.com)
Pairing: B/S
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. - in other words I own nothing.
The song lyrics are from 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls.
The second half of the letter is courtesy of the writers and creators of 'My So-Called Life'. The starred part of the quote at the beginning is from 'The Shawshank Redemption', the rest is mine.
Spoilers: Up to 'The Body'
Feedback: Of course. I might even give you a naked Spike if you do ;)
Distribution: my site, Trish's site, Fanfiction.net, any other's feel free
to ask.
Dedication: To Trish for beta-ing and writing the oh-so important sex scene.
To Maggie (Gillian Silverlight) for planting the idea of a sequel in my
head. To Becka as a graduation present (I told you I'd get it done before
you lost your internet!)
Also thanks to: Pandora, Maggie, Juliet, Isabelle, Emma, Meredith, Becca
Ruth, Michelle, Dee, Cat, Alex, and anyone else who gave me feedback to
'Worth Dying For'
Author's Note: This is the sequel to 'Worth Dying For' so if you haven't
read that you can find it at http://www.angelfire.com/sc2/jessafanfiction/todiefor.html
There will be one more part to this series but I don't know how soon it will
be done
In life, *you either get busy living or you get busy dying*.
Death is the same way. Only the death you feel in the afterlife is a hundred
times worse.
And the life - a hundred times better.
~*~
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
~*~
"But I liked it."
"Well, in the moment you can expect to feel - "
"And I want to do it again."
She nodded.
~*~
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
~*~
Part Two
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