Mother of Two, Parent of None

By Sybil

DH and I decided we would start TTC July 1998. I had adhesions removed from my abdomen several years ago which, if they had returned, could interfere with conception or cause ectopic pregnancy. I was expecting it to take several months to a year to get pregnant. Imagine my surprise when we conceived the first cycle trying! I typically have 32-34 day cycles, and tried to explain this to my doctor but she was in a hurry and didn’t listen to me. She did an ultrasound at my 6 week appointment due to my risk of ectopic pregnancy. There was no heartbeat and the Dr. spoke about doing a D&C. She decided to do a quantitative HCG just to confirm and my levels were ""GREAT", she was at a loss. She called me in for another ultrasound and there was a beautiful heartbeat. The Dr. then realized that since my cycle was going to be 35 days (I chart BBT so I knew when I ovulated), last week I was 5 weeks and not 6 weeks based on LMP. After a week of total depression, I was relieved to know my little one was alive. This pregnancy was not to be. At my 12 week appointment, there was no heartbeat and by ultrasound, the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. My mother-in-law was with me and she was quite devastated. I was quite devastated and was very, very angry. Also, at this appointment, my Dr. noticed a 5 cm fibroid in my uterus. She recommended we start TTC after my first cycle while the fibroid was still relatively small. I wasn’t ready to be pregnant again, I was too devastated but we tried anyway. The doctor assured us this loss was due to a fluke genetic defect.

Again, imagine my complete shock that we conceived again, first cycle. This pregnancy was very stressful especially since I had spotting from 7-9 weeks. But, I was checked every two weeks and all was well with the baby. At my 12 week appointment I saw the most beautiful sight - my little one’s face. Well, happy that I made it out of the dreaded first trimester, my doctor said I could resume my normal activities. I did my morning walks and light weight training. One Saturday, after speed walking when I was in my 13th week, I had some spotting for a few minutes. I went for a heartbeat check and all was fine. I took it easy for the week. The next Saturday, again I did a very slow and easy jog for 10 minutes in the grass. Several hours later, more spotting but only lasting a few minutes. My Dr. said that fibroids can cause that and since I had spotted in the first trimester, not to worry. I have sense read that second trimester spotting can be a sign of incompetent cervix.

The following week on 2/11/99 my water broke. My Dr. said to come in right away. She was hoping that the fibroid was full of fluid and had ruptured but sadly, that wasn’t the case. She could fit the tip of a Q-tip into my cervix but didn’t want to do any further manipulation of it. I just started wailing and crying. I really wanted to die. I knew then that it was over. They did an u/s there, and there was no fluid surrounding the baby. His little heart was still beating. Before the u/s, she started talking about removing the fibroid and the risk that entails but was somewhat dumbfounded as to why I had no pain or contractions which fibroids typically cause. But at the u/s, she said the fibroid looked “unremarkable” but that my cervix looked short so now she’s thinking I have an incompetent cervix. Her recommendation was to try again, and at 12-13 weeks have a cerclage put in which would require limited activity for the duration of the pregnancy.

We went to the hospital and the nursing staff and the Dr. on call were very nice. They gave me an IV to keep me hydrated as well as to give me antibiotics. They put in a vaginal suppository of prostaglandin (half-dose) at 4:00 pm. To counteract that medication, they gave me anti-nausea medicine, anti-diarhea medicine, and anti-allergy medicine (Benadryl).

At 9:00 pm since I was having only mild contractions which I couldn’t feel but could see on the monitor, she gave me a full dose of the prostaglandin. About 11:00 pm, the contractions got more painful (4 on 0-10 scale). About midnight they really got painful, then I felt the urge to push and suddenly, I felt him in the birth canal. It was really gut wrenching. He came out before the Dr. got there. They then handed me my son who was born 2/12/99. We named him Matthew. He weighed 3.7 oz and was 6.25 inches long, I was 16 weeks pregnant that day. He got bruised going through the birth canal, I guess because he had no fat to cushion him. He was perfect, my perfect little angel. He had the most wonderful hands and feet. The nurse made a hospital birth certificate for him and put his hand/feet prints on the back. The night nurse tried to make plaster prints but he was just too fragile. The night nurse took polaroid pictures of him. She also brought him upstairs and took pictures with the camera used for the full term babies. Matthew even had toe and finger nails, with butt cheeks and the cutest ear lobes. One arm was bent with his hand near his face. The nurses were wonderful. We got to keep Matthew with us all night. In the morning, it was so hard to leave my little angel there.

I know that something is wrong with my cervix. The doctor said the sac probably fell through the cervix, and was weakened by normal bacteria in the vagina. But even so, I feel that if I hadn’t worked out that morning (light weight training) it would not have happened so early at 16 weeks. That maybe at my next appointment, just 3 days away, she would have noticed my cervix. Those were very difficult days, weeks, months. My milk came in which was quite devastating and intrigueing all at the same time. I have a gold heart engraved with Matthew’s name and birth date which I wear on my neck every single day. I miss him constantly. I also had some retained placenta which 4 weeks later caused excessive bleeding. I had to have a D&C (had two of them with my first loss, a week apart) as my blood count was dangerously low. I was severely anemic for weeks.

At my 6 week postpartum visit, my non-pregnant cervix measured only 2.0 cm. We are now TTC again. The stress is enormous - missing Matthew, worrying about getting pregnant again, worrying about the cerclage, worrying about bedrest, worrying about the fibroid ... but I tell myself, it will all be worth it when I finally get to hold my beautiful baby.