The ALE adventures continues:

The Rogue camp was in such disarray, you would think ALE held a keg party there, but this would not be as it seems as it was still in the middle of the week and way before the Labor Day weekend. Gheed was ranting hysterically at anyone in sight.

Gheed: Who the hell is going to pay for all this??! My tent! My beautiful inventory… <looks at the blackened spot where his wagon used to be> MY WAGON!!

>>Already some of the older and wiser ALE members are inching towards the waypoint platform.

HOZ: I think we overstayed our welcome here. I hear Lut Gholem is nice this time of year.

Linger: That’s easy for you to say, I still have a date with Andariel.

HOZ: That two-timing bitch! She said she’d go out with me and no one else..

Linger: <getting exasperated> I meant I have to beat her. I can’t leave here until I do.

HOZ: ohh, why didn’t you say so. That’s totally different. She always was a kinky one. Listen, the soft leather strap whip with the mink tails are her favorite…

>>Linger starts to throttle HOZ in frustration. Meanwhile, Washu was getting ready to reprogram Landru to repair all of the damage that was done. This was much to Landru’s chagrin because he had thought that Washu was going to get him a penile implant with an expansion set.

Landru: You promise me a good one, right?

Washu: Reelax, don’t worry. I’m just waiting for the right parts.

Landru: I just want it to be as big as Shaidar’s.

Washu: Oh, it’s gonna be waay bigger than a bug’s.

Shaidar: Hey, I heard That!!

Washu: <ignoring Shaidar’s outburst> ..In the meantime, you can do us all a great big favor and repair all of this stuff so that they won’t kick us out.

Landru: <muttering to himself, mostly> Plasma cannons, faster than sound flight capability with 4 inch steel armor plates and I end up as the ALE custodian. The things I do just to get a dick…

Washu: …all set. Are you ready?

Landru: sure, whatever..

>>Washu shoves the data probe up Landru’s port. Landru stiffens as tiny bolts of lightning coarse thru his body. A few seconds of this and the reprogramming is done. He transforms into his half-plane, half-robot configuration.

Landru: SCV GOOD TO GO, SIR!

>> Washu now starts to move her hands as if typing on some invisible keyboard in front of her. Little bright colored squares appear at her fingertips as she types. Landru turns his head towards all the places Washu points at with her invisible mouse.

Landru: RIGHT AWAY, SIR!

>> Off Landru goes in repair mode, sparks flying as he repairs one building after another. Meanwhile some of the ALE bunch are trying to calm Gheed down who was still a bit hysterical.

Gheed: You people are fucking crazy! Look at this mess! I am going to sue each and everyone one of you!

Rahl: ..and just where are you gonna find a lawyer out here?

Gheed: You seem to forget that we are near hell…

Rahl: <nervous now> ok ok lets not go overboard here. Look, things are not that bad <Gheed’s tent collapses in a heap of ash> …they’re not as bad as they look! Listen, we are ALE. We’re good for it.

Gheed: That’s what the last one said when he took my last keg of beer and he still hasn’t paid me for it.

X-Slayer: which "last one"?

Gheed: well, THAT one! The prone one…

>>Everyone turns to look at Shaidar’s limp, unconscious, drunken body surrounded by arrows, ice patches and smoldering embers, all without a single scratch on him. Everyone rolls their eyes.

Rahl: Look we are willing to pay for the damages that were caused you. I can show you my bag of jewels….

>>All of the ALE crew turn their heads in disgust, making gagging noises.

Rahl: <angrily ignoring his comrades> …my bag of GEMS [fucking bunch of wise asses] and you can just pick out what you want.

Gheed: Thas no good. I don’t deal in gems. I sell fine weapons and armor and assorted other things.

Mister EZ: yeah, like that fine piece of shit you gave me for 20 thousand gold.

Gheed: Now that was different. You were gambling. You win some, you lose some.

Mister EZ: when does the "win some" start?

HOZ: well now, if its fine weaponry you want, check these out…

>>Hoz pours out the contents of his entire inventory. A myriad of mid-level swords, some wands and a variety of gems plus a full plate armor and a teddy bear.

Gheed: heh, what’s that? And exceptional Teddy Bear of cuddliness?? What kind of damage does that do?

HOZ: well, it can do a lot of damage, especially when I shove it up your ASS!!

>>Gheed cowers behind Mister EZ as Hoz picks up his teddy bear and unconsciously strokes it before putting it away.

>>>>>>>>BZZONNKK!!!<<<<<<<<

>>Everyone turns towards Landru, who was hovering near where the wagon used to be.

Landru: CAN’T BUILD THERE! SUMPTINS IN THE WAY….

>>The whole group gathers around what was ground zero. Voices seem to come from a small burnt out pile. Closer observation shows the pile to be moving rhythmically up and down.

Female voice: hee heee, Oh MY!!!

Male voice: <moaning>

>>IdahoChick now appears in her finest Battle silks with Pixie&Dixie on leashes. The mice are wearing full leather suits with studded collars.

Pixie: How long do we have to wear these things, Dixie?

Dixie: shutup Pixie or she’ll spank us again.

Pixie: <eyes widening in excitement> OH please, mistress, don’t spank us again, we’ll be good!

IdahoChick: Not now, you naughty rodent …….later.

Pixie: Oh, yess, mistress.

>>Dixie shakes his head in disgust and frustration. IdahoChick walks up to the group gathered around the moving pile of debris.

IdahoChick: What’s going on?

Mister EZ: Some poor spirit is restless <removes helm in respect for the dead>

Female voice: Oooooh Yeeeah! That’s it! Deeeper! Deeper! Harder!

>>The pile starts moving up and down faster.

IdahoChick: Sounds more like some poor spirit is getting fucked outta her gourd.

>>Male and female voices start a series grunting and wheezing followed by a long moan. The pile shudders to a stop. IdahoChick steps up to the pile, reaches in and pulls out 3000GT gently by the hair. He has a grin from ear to ear.

IdahoChick: How was it dear? <Still holding him by the hair>

3000GT: <semi-conscious> that was soo great, sweetheart. One of your best. You are one sweet fuck.

IdahoChick just smiles at him sweetly but with a tinge of evil.

3000GT: <looking at IdahoChick> saay, how could you be standing there when I have my dick in your …..OHH MY GAWWD!!! Then Who the fuck is in here with me??!

>>3000GT quickly pushes away the rubble revealing a sprawled, naked but obviously satisfied Tatia who was also grinning from ear to ear. Tatia waves her fingers at him.

Tatia: Hi !

>>ALE hands shoot up to offer 3000GT a high five.

3000GT: You gotta believe me, dear, I thought she was you..It was dark..she didn’t say a word…she was just as good as <gulp> I mean she didn't say she wasn’t you..well, I didn’t ask, but …she was niice, I WAS DRUNK!!!

Tatia: You’re always drunk… <then thinking back to what 3000GT said> OH, the things you say!

>>BSR was nudge-nudging everyone and winking. X-Slayer had his camcorder running. The rest were just standing there ogling. Tatia gets up, walks over to Pixie&Dixie, pats their little heads cooing and walks towards Kashya’s tent to change. Most of the ALE men follow her like drooling zombies. Now that the "obstruction" was removed, Landru continues his repairs. 3000GT is hastily getting dressed.

IdahoChick: Oh, don’t worry dear, you’ll pay me back later [oh how you’ll pay…]

>>3000GT gulps and continues getting dressed. IdahoChick unfastens the leash from Pixie&Dixie’s collar and swings the leash in a little circle while walking towards 3000GT. X~Slayer is pondering something.

IdahoChick: Someone has been a baaad boy…

Pixie: I’ll be good, mistress!!

Dixie: <smacks Pixie hard> NOT YOU!!

X~Slayer: Waitaminit! Tatia’s not afraid of mice.

Tatia: <coming back all dressed to the disappointment of the men following her> I love mice, they’re so cuute! <Blows Pixie&Dixie a kiss>

X~Slayer: ooookay, so who tried to nuke P&D?

IdahoChick: <sheepishly> I’m afraid I did that…

3000GT: Since when were you afraid of mice, sweetheart?

IdahoChick: I’m not. It’s just that when these guys jumped in, someone touched me where they shouldn’t have.

Kashya: uuhm, I’m afraid that was me. Sorry, but I was just reaching for Tatia.

>>ALE mouths are agape…

Tatia: That’s funny coz I felt someone was trying to stick something into someplace where they shouldn’t have…

3000GT: wups…that was me! Sorry dear, I thought I was handing you the rare Mace of titillation …

>>ALE mouths gape even wider…

IdahoChick:: ..but then someone did stick something into someplace where they shouldn’t have and started to lick me all over and then I started to lick them back and got a tongue full of mouse fur… That’s when I screamed..

>>Suddenly all the gaping mouths started gagging in disgust.

Kashya: That’s when I strafed the wagon floor…

Tatia: I kinda let go of a fireball then <my bad>

3000GT: that’s when I lost consciousness…

Pixie: That’s when I fell in love…

Dixie: ..and almost got us killed.

Gheed: Can we get back to me now? Let’s get back to me, shall we? WHO’S GONNA PAY ME??!

>>Just then a huge figure of a young, blond Barbarian materialized nead the stash chest. His low level armor shines in its newness, his skin was pallid white but his young body was chiseled. Washu, IdahoChick and Tatia all stop in their respective tracks, turn and their tongues hang out in heat.

Linger: What a disgusting display of pure animal behavior.

Hoz: Here <hands him a tissue>

Linger: What’s this for?

Hoz: You got a little drool on the corner of your mouth…

Linger: Why you fucking ….. <Linger draws his sword and starts chasing Hoz all around the camp, hacking at him a few times>

Hoz: <laughing> Joke, man! It was a joke!!

>> The young Barbarian walks over to X-Slayer and Rahl, while the ALE women start to hover around them.

Barbarian: Hi there, how are you? I’m so beautiful.

>>X~Slayer now starts to fumble thru his pack trying to find a blunt instrument to bash the barbarian with, as X~Slayer’s homophobia starts to set in. Rahl is beside himself trying hard to keep a straight face. The women are getting suspicious.

Barbarian: My name is Sword_boy, would you like to check out my great Jong Bong?

>>X~Slayer pulls out a great maul from his pack and starts swinging at the Barbarian. A little voice says "Not Here" but he ignores it and continues swinging. He starts yelling obscenities when the maul is prevented from touching the Barbarian. Rahl is rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably as the women suddenly lose interest in the barbarian.

Barbarian: Take it easy, X. It’s me …. Bigun!

>>X~Slayer continues his obscenities while Rahl is laughing his ass off. The women are now eyeing Bigun curiously.

Tatia: Bigun? Is that you? When did you get so big?

>>X~Slayer is still trying to swing his maul but an unseen force is preventing him from doing any damage to the young Barbarian.

Washu: Put that away X, you’ll hurt yourself. I swear, ever since that Duriel incident you’ve been so anal…

>>X~Slayer glares at Washu for the evil pun. He drops his maul exhausted and panting.

Rahl: That was sooo fucking funny, man <high fives Bigun> good one. Did you see X~Slayer’s face when Bigun walked up to him? HAHAHAHAH!!

>>X-Slayer starts to snarl

Bigun: Oh relax, X ..it was just a joke, besides I came like this for you!

>>X~Slayer tries to pick up his maul again.

Bigun: I meant that "this" <pointing to himself> is a mule character. We use him to stash all the stuff that we can’t use but are too good to sell.

>>X~Slayer stares blankly at Bigun barely comprehending.

Bigun: oh …here.

>>Bigun drops a Coif of Glory, a Bone Pet Sharktooth Armor, a Skull Barb War Sword and a Skullcrusher Flail. X~Slayers eyes sparkle with glee. He starts throwing off his armor to try on the new stuff. The rest of ALE avert their eyes trying not to witness his shamelessness.

X~Slayer: Woooohooo …Alright!! Yessss!!! OH Yeah!! Woooooo…..

Washu: so tell me, who came up with this oh so brilliant plan?

Rahl: Well, actually, Bigun and I came up with it when we were playing one late night. It just came to us suddenly, you know. A "mule" account for everyone to use so we named it Burrow(ALE).

Optimus: Mule called Burrow??!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! That’s rich!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

X~Slayer: <looking up> what the hells wrong with him?

Rahl: <fuming> I swear I don’t know….

Bigun: <ahem> anyways, we have several of these "mules". We have swords, shields, bows, helms and even wands and pikes

ALE: Ooooooooooo….

Gheed: ..and what about me?

Bigun: ..what about you??! I don’t recall an NPC joining ALE.

>>A quick recap by Rahl brings an understanding with Bigun and Gheed and a swap schedule was arranged to everyones satisfaction. X~Slayer was still swapping his stuff, checking his stats everytime he changed one item. Landru puts the last finishing touches to the new Gheed wagon.

Landru: JOB’S FINISHED, SIR….

>>Landru reverts back to his giant robot form.

Landru: GODDAMM! That fucking sucked monkey balls! Washu, don’t ever stick that programming in me again. I talked like a hillbilly for gods sake. If you people want anything else fixed around here, you all can just kiss my ass….HELLo…

>>A sparkle on the ground catches Landru’s vision sensors.

Landru: Great green toads of Namek, is that rare Massive Dildo of Ecstacy?

X~Slayer: <looking up> yeah, don’t touch it. I’m giving to one of the girls.

Landru: Hell, I’ll give it to them…In and Out, again and again BwaHAHAHA At last an add-on worthy of me!!

X~Slayer: Over my dead body, you freaky BOT! I got this fair and square and no one is taking it away from me!

Landru: ..and who’s gonna stop me? You, flayer-bait?

>>Landru dives for the rare mystic item as X~Slayer tries to pick it up. They tumble together in a huge ball of dust that rolls into the makeshift tent that Gheed just put up. The 2 roll right out of the camp. Outside, X~Slayers lightning enhanced flail strikes are matched blow for blow with Landru’s plasma cannons. X~Slayer smartly defends himself with his Sigon shield from Landru’s crushing robotic blows. The Paladin uses a combination of charge and zeal with his new Concentration aura, while the transforming robot does his best imitation of a barbarian leap attack and whirlwind. The battle rages for what seemed like an eternity while the rest of ALE [buckets of popcorn in hand] watches from camp. Finally, X-Slayer seemed to freeze with lag. Landru seeing his opportunity, swooped down and grabbed something from X~Slayer’s pack.

Landru: At last!! I have my Manhood!! All you women [and some of you pretty boys] will swoon to my everlasting lust and power!!! BwaHAhahahahahh!!!

>>Landru jets off into the sunrise, trying to screw in his newly gotten manhood in mid-flight. Half of ALE are paying off bets to the other half.

Linger: that was bad luck, X! you lagged and he took advantage. Too bad about the dildo.

Veldrane: Ya, what a sissy bot, cant even take on X~Slayer. Wait till he tries that shit on me!

Mister EZ: That’s nothing! Wait till he feels the cold enhanced sting of my Frost Pike up his robotic butt!

X~Slayer: Wait till he finds out what he got was Gheed’s garden hose…

>>X~Slayer pulls out the Massive Dildo of Ecstasy from his pack amidst the cheer of his fellow ALE members. He tosses the prize to Washu, who blushes a deep vermillion. The ALE crowd is high-fiving X for his evil conniving ways, his awesome skill in PvP battle, but mostly because he let it slip out that he was buying the next round, which lasted well into the night and most of the next morning.

Washu: T-t-t-th-h-h-h-I-I-I-I-I-s-s-s-s I-I-I-I-s-s-s-s-s s-s-s-s-so-o-o-o- g-g-g-g-o-o-o-dd-d-d-d, t-t-t-t-t-tha-a-a-an-n-n-n-k-k-ks-s s-s-s-s-so-o-o-o-o m-m-m-m-u-u-u-c-c-c-h-h-h-h X-X-X-X-X-X!!

>>X~slayer cheerfully waves at Washu at the wagon from the campfire, then quickly turns around grumbling to his fellow ALE.

X~Slayer: How was I to know she just getting married? None of you freaks said anything..

Bigun: Like that would have really stopped you. You just probably saw how big her fiancé is. Makes Landru look like an action figure. Besides, we see how you drool at Tatia.

X~Slayer: Everyone drools at Tatia.

HOZ: The point is, we just thought that you being you <snicker> that you’d jump her bones regardless.

>>X~Slayer looks at the motley crew all around him with suspicion.

X~Slayer: You guys bet on me again, didn’t you?

Optimus: <sliding a grid sheet under his seat> We wouldn’t do that.

X~Slayer: You sorry motherfuckers.

Mister EZ: Linger bet that Washu would kick your butt before you got to first base.

X~Slayer: what?!

Veldrane: Well, at least I bet that he’d get to third base…

Optimus: only so that Washu could get a better position to kick his balls in, you said.

X~Slayer: what the fuck?!!

BSR: well, YOU said that Washu would grab him by the dick, twirl him around like a hammer thrower and go for a world record…[what the fuck is a hammer throw?]

X~Slayer: you guys are just so sick…

Mogun: me just think Washu cut X’s head off…

Bigun: which one? <laughing>

Mogon: don’t matter, both small anyways

X~Slayer: HEEEYY!!!

********* Tune in next time when we hear Washu say…

Washu: I don’t care who you talked to or how much you paid them, I Do NOT put dicks in BOTS!!

Probe: Ka-chonk!!

Washu: Well, Fuck You Too!!

The End….