Rants Archive
12.7.00
I've seen some awful things in my lifetime, a lot of them from Ion Storm. I still wake up in cold sweats remembering the pea green nightmare that was the Daikatana demo. Now, they've ruined the prestige of their only good game, Dues Ex, by releasing a patch that includes some of the worst multiplayer ever. I would assume the scene that led to the creation of this patch was a lot like that part in Event Horizon, where the crew goes insane and rips their eyes out, right before savaging each other, and eating their own body parts. Too bad they couldn't kill themselves fast enough to prevent the release of this. Let's examine some gems of Ion Storm's insanity:
11.29.00
I have come to the conclusion that I need to carry a fucking notebook around with me everywhere I go. This is the second time in two weeks that I have ended up totally brain dead, in front of my computer. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, except that all day I've been struck with incredibly funny thoughts. Any one of these would have made a fantastic article, or rant, and probably would have propelled me into the annals of comic genius, except for the simple fact that I can't remember them two hours later. What's worse, not only were they funny, they were really funny. This means I have to endure the embarrassment of standing in public laughing my ass off for no apparent reason, and have nothing to show for it while the money is on the line. That being said, I'll go to a topic that's no doubt less funny than the one I'm trying to remember, but no less ridiculous, womyn.
Notice I wrote womyn, not the common spelling of women. Men, there is a serious difference. A woman is probably someone you might want to meet. They come in all shapes and sizes, but are generally soft, enjoy life, and are happy to have attention lavished on them. A womyn on the other hand is a horrible creature, bent on tearing off your penis, and hurling it to her pet pit bull. The camo-wearing, hairy pitted harpy that haunts your worst inadequacy nightmares. You can spot them immediately in their jeeps, studded with bumper stickers like "my body my rules," and "who needs a man, I've got my vibrator." These girlz (they always spell it with a 'z') fill my mind with images of black uniformed butch haired dykes, herding men into concentration camps, all the while reminding us that they are the gentler, kinder gender. Normally, I would ignore these people, like I ignore all in the closet hate groups in the world, but for the fact that they've been descending on my campus in droves for V-Day. No, V doesn't stand for victory, it stands for vagina. Hold on boys, put it back into your pants, this isn't the nice, inviting vagina you know from endless late night internet searches, this vagina has teeth. So now, every conversation I have with a girl, invariably turns to how I'm a chauvinistic pig, and how my kind is ruining the world. This is pretty much a lose/lose situation, since if I disagree with the girl, I'm not going to get laid, and if I agree, I'm definitely not getting laid (in fact, I'm probably going to get mauled.) My advice to men out there is to just lay low, until the sweeping tidal wave of estrogen that is national V-Day sweeps over you. Hopefully, when all this is over, I won't have sprouted breasts.
11.17.00
Folks, I feel the time has come for me to say a few words about America's fucked up politics. If you listen to the Associated Press (proud makers of Elian Gonzales and the Richard Jewel framing) you may get the impression that the country is about to degenerate into years of civil strife, or at least another Kathy Lee Gifford sitcom. I think I can safely say, that no one in this country has the first clue of what a fucked up election really is. Look at what happened in Timor, with 80% of the population being slaughtered, or deported into forced labor camps (where thousands more are still dying as I type this), just because they voted for independence. Look at the shit that's gone down in Chile, or Argentina, or Cuba, and then tell me what fucked up is. I feel that unless Martial Law is declared, we really shouldn't be panicking.
What this election is a clear indicator of is the stupidity level of the average American voter, especially in Florida. We hear so much about people who punched two holes instead of one, and now demand a revote. Well guess what? Your revote was sitting two feet away from you. All you had to do was go up to one of the nice little old ladies sitting at the desk and ask for a new ballot. Hell, they probably would have explained the ballot step by step for you, if you had bothered to ask. No where in the constitution do I see anything about government making special concessions for idiots. Of course, wherever there are idiots in profusion, you always find lawyers, and Florida is swarming with them now. Yes the American legal system (proud makers of O.J. Simpson, and K.K.K acquittals) will now decide the future of this country. Why? Because we were too fucking dumb to do it ourselves.
10.29.00
If you've ever overdosed on heroin, while downloading a movie over your free T-1, at the same time getting fucked up the ass by either an economist, philosopher, or phone company executive, you might have asked yourself why people get broad band connections. If you are not in this situation, the answer is of course obvious. Big Brother. Ever since I ran out of money and had to move back home, I've been begging my family to get a high speed connection. After a year of using DSL, it seemed like I could get better speed by actually driving to Texas, and having John Carmack personally give me a floppy disk, than waiting for the new Quake 3 point release to download from fileplanet. What finally pushed my family over the edge? My mom's severe addiction to watching a group of assholes crammed into a house together, and the fact that the streaming Real Player videos of them doing their laundry were coming in choppy. That's it! It's pretty clear that when someone like my mom gets turned on to a technology, that it's passed well into the public forum. Before Big Brother, most of the people purchasing cable modems were hard core gamers, warez hounds, porn mongers, or music pirates (note, if you know someone who is one of these, chances are, he's the other four too.) Back then, the people who could afford to spend money on a convenience like broad band connections, probably also had more than one computer lying around their house. In fact, I will pay you twenty dollars if you can find me a hacker that doesn't have at least three computers strung together over a network (note: I will not pay you twenty dollars.)
With all that back story logged and recorded, it is simply mind-boggling to me that Road Runner can not support more three computers in a network. Why can't they? I don't know, and apparently neither do they. Our games of phone tag with the technicians have turned into something akin to a Congressional meeting with cigarette company CEOs. We show them undeniable proof that they can't support more than two, they stare at us blankly and say that it's possible. It's like butting heads against a brick wall. This begs the question, how did these people stay in business when their only customer base was a bunch of tech-mongering, skinny-ass white boys? How can they market themselves to businesses with huge networks, and not get sued? These questions probably do not have answers forthcoming. I do know this however, I hate Time Warner.
9.2.00
Today I walked off of a job for the first time ever. It all began when I learned from several Meijer's employees that not only was the company still bringing people in from other departments to work in dangerous areas like Deli, they were still ordering them to use equipment like the slicers with little to no previous training. This was exactly how I was injured two weeks ago, the injury that resulted in a report being filed with O.S.H.A. I was absolutely beyond outraged when I learned of this. To think that even after being warned by the Occupational Safety and Health Association, this kind of bullshit activity was still going on, is unconscionable. I immediately approached my boss about it, and demanded to know if this was true. At first he calmly denied it and then asked for the names of the people who told me this. This immediately caused my mental alarms to start buzzing. Since I knew this man to be a snake, I was certain that any names I mentioned would be quietly silenced or dealt with. I refused to tell him my sources, and he responded that I was making accusations without proof, and that if I persisted in pursuing that matter I would, "Get in serious trouble."
Excuse the fuck out of me shit head. Yeah, what kind of sick fuck am I, trying to protect the safety of myself and my co-workers?! What was he going to do, write a demerit on me for not breaking the law?
My response to my boss. "No, you know what? Fuck you, I
quit. Expect another call from O.S.H.A, and I stormed off."
So that's it. I'm not sure what will come of all this now, but
I can assure you, I will not sit still this time. I believe I'm justified
in breaking the ALE tenant of apathy here by doing everything I can to
make sure Meijer's, and in particular West Chester Meijer's pays for it's
blatant flaunting of safety regulations, and it's continued exploitation
of it's employees. I call on all ALE members to spread the word about
Meijer's safety violations and treatment of their employees. DO NOT
SHOP AT MEIJER'S! TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW NOT TO SHOP AT MEIJER'S!
DON'T BE FOOLED BY THEIR BULLSHIT LIKE I WAS, OR IT WILL BITE YOU IN THE
ASS!
The epilogue in this story: I will be taking a few days off to get my thoughts together, cool down, and see how the O.S.H.A. investigation plays out. After that, I will be returning to Fed-Ex. Though the work is back-breaking, they have great hours, good pay, and most importantly, they respect their employees.
7.23.00
Happy Birthday to me! Yeah that's right, ole Incubus is one year older, and not a damn second smarter. However, seeing as I have my own personal soapbox here, I might as well spout off about a subject that everyone is probably already sick of, the presidential elections. Back in the heyday of the primaries, the elections were fun and exciting. New Hampshire for the first time in decades had a majority of registered voters turn out. We saw new, fresh ideas from dark horses like John McCain. Now we're stuck in the duldrums. We have a choice between the corrupt, emotionless robot Al Gore, or the incompetent, richie playboy Junior. Suddenly, nobody gives a shit anymore. Even with the media going on about this subject ad naseum, we're probably looking at the lowest voter turn-out ever. It's gotten so bad that people are actually looking forward more to the possible Vice President, than the President himself. Who are the obvious choices. Well there's Colin Powell, who is sort of like a free ticket. Anyone who lands Colin on their team wins the White House. Voting Day would just be a formality. Problem is, Colin doesn't want to run. It's obvious whenever he holds a press conference that he hates dealing with reporters. So there's no way he's going to take a post like that. Elizabeth Dole, well, she'd get the women's vote. Except for the fact that she's a bitch and no one likes her. Dan Quayle always sits in the back like the nerd at prom, but unless the candidates are really into political suicide, he's out. John McCain said he might be persuaded to do it, but only if Georgy asks really, really nice. So all we have left are a couple of congress men, and former congress men. All are fat cats strait out of Washington U. who know how to smile and suck dick all at the same time. It seems to me that George W. is going to win the White House. Unless Al Gore manages to find a Kennedy who isn't dead, or in the slammer, things are looking pretty grim for him. So get ready for another 4 years of a corrupt incompetent Republican in office. It will be just like Reagan, only twice as boring. Damn, and just when I was thinking about a secure job future...
I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting really fucking sick of Stormbringer. His non-stop, incessant whining about Diablo 2 is a league beyond most of the other idiots on the forums. He's so busy shooting his mouth off, that he doesn't even take the time to realize that his arguements hold about as much weight as a fart. For of you forum idiots who happen to be reading this, listen up. You can only bitch so many god damn times before people stop taking you seriously. Registering your complaint is fine, but bringing it up over and over and over again, in every topic of conversation, is not only rude, it's just plain brain-dead. You know, I've noticed something about these fuckers. They bitch and moan about all these supposed bugs and bad graphics, and yet they still play the game. I don't know if they'll ever understand this, but buying, and repeatedly using a company's product, is not the best way to tell them you're dissatisfied. I wish these fuckers would make a decision once in their stunted lives, to either shut up and enjoy the product, or at least trust that it will get better, or give up and stop buying Blizzard products altogether. I've done the latter with crap companies like Origin, and Sierra, and relied on the former with Battle.net. Trust me, they both work. No, I guess it's too much to hope that these bastards would ever do anything but sit on their fat, moldering ass and complain.
7.12.00
Once again, I'm forced to stare at that screaming Canadian bastard on
the Michelobe commercial, trying to instill national pride into a country
that seems to be suffering from a permanent inferiority complex.
Now, normally, I wouldn't mind at all people blathering on about how their
country is number one. Nationalism, in small doses is healthy, and
productive. However, for some reason, the rest of the world has trouble
making themselves look good, without somehow bashing America in the process.
Mainly these are the countries who used to occupy vast empires but are
now just piddling nations. Countries like France, and Italy, and
let's not forget the entire O.P.E.C. region. Let me tell you something
about us evil imperialist Americans. We don't give a crap about you
or your country, until you start messing with us. Then we get mad.
Don't believe us? Feel free to ask the twisted, mutant survivors
of Nagasaki. So I've decided to make a little counter-rant commercial.
The commercial that all true Americans have been waiting for.
Call me Pete, I'm an American
I don't own a gun, but I can get one if you keep bothering me
I think socialized health care is an abomination
I don't live in a ghetto, or in a trailer park
I don't speak French, or English, I speak American, pronounced (Ah-mahr-i-can)
I don't have a parliament, or a dictator, or a junta, or a queen, I've got a congress, president and supreme court
Our beer sucks, which is why we own so many foreign companies
I laugh my ass off every time someone from Quebec says they're French
I'm not a racist, I have plenty of reasons to hate people on an individual basis
I like using American inventions like the airplane, the internet, the telephone, and the television
America isn't just the best part of North America, it's the best part of the whole fucking world
And yes, we are taking over the world with our dominant culture, and economic practices
I am an American!
Oh and by the way, it's pronounced "zee" not "zed." Welcome to the 21st century fucker.
I'm sorry folks, I have to say something about these obsessive internet
people. I know every god damn media company has talked about this
already, but there are something is I just have to get off my chest.
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand why people might like their internet
personality. After all, you can be anyone on the internet.
In the real world, I'm just a boob that works at Fed Ex to pay my bills.
On the internet however, I'm Incubus reX, misunderstood comic genius, and
professional asshole. In the real world, no one, anywhere, gives
a shit about my opinions. On the internet, I have a website, where
I express my views regularly to a large audience (albeit a rather select
audience). In Diablo 2, I can be a massive and well armed one man
killing force, in the real world, I've got about 20 push-ups before I collapse
in exhaustion. So yes, I understand why people like who they are
on the internet. I'm even tolerant enough to accept people who cultivate
a sort of internet personality, God knows I do it. But I cringe with
nearly uncontrollable paroxysms of rage when that life bleeds into the
real world. When people use the term "LOL" in a regular conversation,
I subconsciously look around for something to brain them with. When
I hear about, and see people who are so obsessed with chatting that they
begin neglecting their kids, I begin to gag. With battle.net, you
see the reverse, with people blurring the line between reality and virtual
reality by taking everything as a personal threat to them. These
are the same script kiddies that start channel wars and make everyone's
life a living hell. I guess people have a tendency to do that when
they have no real life, but that's still no excuse.
Jesus Christ, I haven't done one of these in 2 months. As I look
over the page, I notice there are a lot of things that need to get done.
It's about time I got to work on the rest of those member profiles, I also
need to add some more On Taps that have been laying around my system for
weeks. Come to think of it, there are a lot of things that I can
be doing. Of course, as we all know, Blizzard is solely to blame
for my lack of action. After all, I just love playing the stress
test. I can only imagine how much farther into apathy I will sink
when Diablo 2 actually hits the shelves. Thank God Diablo 2 won't
be coming out when I have classes scheduled, or else I would certainly
fail out of college. Then I would have to join the military, and
would NEVER be able to play Diablo 2. Oh...the pain of it all.
Well the stress test has finally been announced, and scores of bitchers and complainers continue to desperately dig their feet out of their mouth before Monday. It didn't take much longer before it started up again though, this time geared for totally irrational suggestions for Diablo 2. Has anyone noticed that every god damn one of Peglegboy's posts now are a thinly veiled and extremely stupid attempt to get looting put back in the game? Who the hell does he think he's fooling with this death penalty crap? Certainly not I.
Well I'm sure you've all heard by now about Blizzard's
changing of the open beta to the "stress test". This basically means,
that they are dropping the number of testers from every Blizzard fan, to
100,000 people. That's like killing everyone in little Havana except
the mayor (which I would gladly do). Then again, what do I know about
Beta testing? After all the only viable game I ever made was for
my TI-83 calculator. It was an adventure game that involved escaping
from math class, and even THAT took a week to get all the bugs out.
Seeing as I couldn't organize a tupperware party, I don't know the first
thing about betas. It does make a twisted sort of sense though.
After all, Blizzard will be able to get the same response as the open beta
when they publish the game. Maybe they're just trying to up the ante
slowly. Nah, the bitter-sweet crotch like smell of Satan hangs over
these entire proceedings.
4.18.00
Now that the beta is out and underway, many of the forumers (or "People Who Can Never Be Fucking Happy With What They Fucking Have), have begun bitching already for the open beta. Since I can not expect these losers to tell their assholes from holes in the ground, I probably shouldn't even be mentioning this. However, we all know how the bitch-fest will rise when they find out that you will only be able to play one character, and that the game has been severely scaled down to a downloadable size. Using the ALE Whiny Bitch Simulator, I can adequately gauge what it will look like:
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I WATNED 2 PLAY NERCOMANSER! i HAT BiLZARd! WEE SHULD BOYCOT THEMS!"
You may laugh now, but you damn well know that's not far off the mark.
Well the flame war is over, for me anyway. There still are a few loonies who can't seem to do anything but post obscene bullshit responses to everything I say. What the hell man? I could give these people a cure to cancer and I'd still get some dopey "u r aa fagot" response. I got one the other day on one of my ALE webpage posts. Boy it sure was frightening, I haven't heard insults like that since I got out of the fourth grade. Of course my all time favorite flame against me has to be Ginger's response to being put on the now defunct Moron of the Week, when she (he?) actually believed that was my real picture up there. Yes, and I'm sure Dark Acid is actually a computer and E.D. is actually a dragon.
Is it just me, or do most of the beta testers sound
like total morons? I know what you're thinking "Incubus", you say
in your effeminate, whiny voices, "you're just jealous because you didn't
get in the beta."
Course I'm fucking jealous you nimrod. I
can't believe that these testicle shitting idiots made it into the beta
and I did not. I've never heard of anything so stupid as a beta tester
whining about how the game doesn't work. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THERE
FOR MORON! IT'S A FUCKING BETA! If only Blizzard had put a
short intelligence test on the sign-up, we might have been able to wrap
the beta up before I die.
Some of you out there (the one's who pay attention at least) have been noticing that my flames and rants have been getting ever more acidic and violent. That's because I find flaming people to be very therapeutic. I believe psychologists call it transference. When the people in your life have left you tired and pissed, there's nothing better than to dump a load of hate on to some moron. A moron like Chaosbob, fits this profile nicely. I think my latest flame against him is one of my best (read worst) ever. In case you are wondering, no Chaosbob won't be making our esteemed Moron of the Week list. The M.o.W. as I will hence forth be calling it is reserved only for stupid homo habili, not semi-intellegent Yeti half breeds.
Well let the bitching begin!! Now that GFrazier's fateful remarks about the lack of Guild Halls in Diablo 2 I'm sure the party will be back in full swing. Think of it like a militant feminist "Womyn's" meeting, except twice as pointless. I'm sure we can look forward to countless morons DEMANDING that Guild Halls be put back, even though it would mean countless more months without the game. Is it just me, or does that seem like a waste of time? I mean, if people really want a private meeting place, they can always set up a channel on battle net, or get ICQ, or build a fucking tree house I don't care. Whatever they do, it better damn well not be an inconvenience to me, and let me tell you not releasing the game soon will be a pretty big inconvenience.
To quote Hot Lips, "You can tell exactly when school gets out." The hot hunk of burning love has it right folks. Starting around 2:30 the shit really hit the fan as thousands of peevish middle schoolers jumped out of their yellow buses and right onto their computers, even missing their daily fudgecicle, just to bitch about how they couldn't get on the beta list. I'm sure even now they are sitting with their friends over a pile of Pokemon cards, plotting to "HaXX0r" the Blizzard website to get them a copy. "Yeah, we're 133t," They'll exclaim, before jumping up to watch Power Rangers.
Has anyone noticed the dramatic increase in stupidity on the forums lately? Is it just me, or is it absolutely ludicrous that people should be DEMANDING that Blizzard let them in on the beta. Not to mention the logistics of shipping to Europe over night, or the risk of lawsuit for shipping to kids under 17, but simply because these morons are offering ultimatums is why they shouldn't be allowed as beta testers. Who the hell do these people think they are telling Blizzard how to do their job? Hey I'll tell you what pal, next time a blockbuster game company in Australia offers a beta, then you can have it all to yourselves. Oh! What is that you say? There ARE no blockbuster game companies in Australia? Well tough titty for you I guess!
3.17.00
With the announcement of the beta I had thought the whining and bitching at Blizzard had finally died out. Boy was I fucking wrong!! Not one day after the celebrations, it starts back up again. This time, rampant foreigners, teeny boppers, and kids with shitty computers all wailing about how they won't be included in the beta. Hey Shitheads! If the beta means that much to you, pick your ass up and immigrate to America like the rest of your tattered relatives, until then, be thankful the game is even shipping to your country. And as for you creeps with the fossilized computers, I think this sends a clear message. THAT COMMODORE 64 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT ANYMORE! As for those under aged kids, yeah yeah, I hear you, and I know you want to be treated like adults, but I'm afraid it's tough titty for you also. Blizzard is not going to take responsibility when this game infects your little minds and leads you to a shooting rampage at you local Middle School. Boy, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
Well they finally announced the Beta sign up. I don't know about you, but if the forums were a city, I believe fire works would be flying off above it. In fact, it would probably look like the end scene of return of the Jedi, except there would be a lot more drunken revelry and a lot less gay little bear puppets. For those of you who bitched and complained that this day would never come, I hope you can manage to get your smelly ass feet out of your mouth before the sign up. You know what else this means... the predictions were right for once.... I know, I'm scared too.
Truly college bureaucrats are the spawn of Satan. I have never had to slog through so much paper work in my life to correct one of their god damn mistakes. Apparently one of my classes got registered as audit, which for those of you who don't know, means that you don't get a grade, or in most cases even credit of the course. Needless to say I was a bit peeved when my prof. announced this fact to me on exam day. I spent the next half hour running around to various offices to speak with various pasty, bitter old white women who naturally wouldn't give a shit if I curled up and died right in front of them. In the end both me, and my professor had to write a god damn story's worth of shit about why this should be changed. And they wonder why people go on shooting sprees?
The mighty GFrazier has made his return to the DSF
forum. The question is, where is his trusty second banana Mike Huang?
Really, we can't expect ole G. to dish out the vague promises all by himself
now can we? I don't know what Blizzard's deal is with the beta, but
I'm sure it's something evil. Something that will have the unwary
Blizzard forumers wailing and gnashing teeth for a good week. It
probably has more than a subtle connection to Chinese Communism.
I was going on in one of my usual tirades today when someone chastised me for "using the Lords name in vain." Now, usually being chastised by anyone is enough to send me into paroxysms of blinding rage, yet this one made me stop and think. I do say god damn a lot, but then again, what does that really mean? How did this Christian know that I actually was using the name in vain. For all he knew I really hated that person enough to believe that God had damned him, or if he hadn't, that he should get to it post haste. And how did this particular born again, Bible thumper know I was referring to his particular God. That's a bit arrogant isn't it? There have been lot's of Gods over the years. For all he knew, I could have been referring to Odin, or Marduk, or Bacchus. It's not like I specifically set out to attack any one religion. Now if I really wanted to be offensive I could've said something like Allah damn, or Jehovah damn, or Holy spirit damn. But you know, those just don't sound right.
Have you ever tried shaving dry? I don't recommend it. My god damn face is on fire. I ran out of Barbasol just two days ago. That's right, Barbasol. I don't go for them pussy little gels and solvents and god knows what else comes in those green bottles. I say, if you're so worried about your sensitive skin, you ought to be waxing instead of shaving. Another thing that pissed me off today... god damn teacher's assistants who can't speak English. I got three of them, one's fresh out of Korea, one's fresh out of India, and one is fresh out of Hell for all I know. I can't understand a fucking word. It's real useful to me paying 1600 a year for tuition and have to sit and listen to half garbled babble from someone who only just learned the language last year. They're probably real nice people and all, but that doesn't help me come exam time, now does it?
I'm sorry, I know you've heard this before. But people who drive slow in the fast lane should just be fucking shot. If you want to go 45 miles an hour, why not just choose one of the other 3 LANES. God damn it, I should never be in a situation where I have to pass a person to the right. Especially when I'm driving my crappy little Dodge Colt with it's two cylinder engine that can't go above 80 mph, and they are in a fucking Corvette. Here's another bright idea Bubbles, How about we trade up? That way that fine piece of machine that you spent all that money on won't go to waste just because you're a putz. What the fuck does an eighty one year old crone need with a Vette anyway? I rest sure in the knowledge that there is a special place in Hell reserved for people like that. Right next to door to the bastards who take their cell phones to movies.
