Source: geocities.com/inge_y

HAPPY, TEXAS
Directed by Mark Illsley
Written by Ed Stone, Mark Illsley & Phil Reeves

Scene 1 - The chain gang

WAYNE
Hey, why did the armadillo cross the road?

HARRY
Why?

WAYNE
It didn't. See?

HARRY
Can someone else be on bag for a while? Excuse me, you want to be the bag guy?

BOB
Did I say you could speak to me?

HARRY
Oh, sorry.

BOB
Do you know, when you move up to committin' real crimes, then you can speak to the men.

HARRY
Put it in the bag.

WAYNE
Hey, dude, are you going to just stand there like some coward and let him talk to you like that?

BOB
Hey, goat boy, the same goes for you! Now, you two damn amateurs stay in your own yard or else I'll chain you there.

WAYNE
Goat boy!

BOB
Oh, you're gonna get you some now, boy.

WAYNE
Well, then, the light is green.

Scene 2- Way to Facility

DRIVER
Soon as we get you boys back to lockup it's gonna mean a week in the hole for each of you.

BOB
Goat boy, you fight like a girl.

WAYNE
The light is green.

HARRY
Oh no no no no no no .....

DRIVER
Knock it off, goddamn it!

WAYNE
Hey, hey, hey! Where ya goin'? Hey, if we're escapin' here, give us the keys! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't need keys!

HARRY
I don't even know him.

BOB
This ain't adios. It's just good-bye.

HARRY
We gotta get out of here.

WAYNE
Hey, I don't even know who you are.

HARRY
Harry Sawyer.

WAYNE
Wayne Wayne Wayne, Jr.

HARRY
Hi.

WAYNE
Hi.

Scene 3- Texas Marshals

NALHOBER
Now we have three - count my fingers - three runners. First, a man who likes to steal cars: Wayne Wayne Wayne, Jr. Next, Harry Sawyer: Fraud, credit card scams. Finally, the reason why we're all here today, boys and girl: Bob Maslow.

A MARSHAL
Oh, my Lord!

NALHOBER
Bob Maslow is a bad man. Let's get the guy before he kills somebody else.

Scene 4- Retail store

DAVID
Get anything, but it has to be non-fat.

STEVEN
This is non-fat. Don't worry about it. What about this?

DAVID
You know, we don't owe these people a damn thing.

STEVEN
I know, I know. I'm not happy either, David. Peas or corn?

DAVID
Peas.

STEVEN
If I have to listen to one more of those little monsters butcher "Tomorrow", I may end up doing somethin' very violent.

DAVID
That is exactly what I'm talking about. Now, I say we dump Happy.

STEVEN
Well, we can't dump Happy.

DAVID
That reminds me. We need some toilet paper. No, not that. The other one. It's softer.

STEVEN
Okay, stop snapping at me. I'm on your side. I'm not the enemy.

DAVID
Listen to me for a second. Let's just junk that crappy apartment on wheels-

STEVEN
I want this.

DAVID
-and quit this whole stupid business. I  want a real life again. You know, a little fun. You remember that word "fun"?

STEVEN
Yes, I do remember fun.

DAVID
I want our old life back.

STEVEN
You need to get a new attitude, is what you need. (later) I think that she may have overcharged us on something.

DAVID
She did not. If you would have brought the coupons-

STEVEN
No, some of this stuff is not right.

DAVID
Maybe we could have saved some money.

STEVEN
Oh, my God! David!

DAVID
It's gone.

STEVEN
Somebody stole our crappy camper. We gotta call the police.

DAVID
Listen to me, Steven. If we call the police, we'll just get it back.

STEVEN
What?

DAVID
But if we wait a couple of weeks, call the insurance company, we can cash in on the modern American dream.

STEVEN
Yes!

DAVID
Yes.

STEVEN
Can we go to Maui?

DAVID
Yes.

Scene 5- On Roads

HARRY
Trust me, it's perfection. There's dual tanks on this baby. Even on back roads, it's more than enough. Let's get out of Texas.

WAYNE
GO, daddy, go!

MALE REPORTER (ON RADIO)
A prison break today at the Jim Hogg County Correctional Facility has brought out law enforcement agencies in four states. The three fugitives, including convicted murderer Robert Alan Maslow, escaped from their prison van while being transported to the Facility.

FEMALE REPORTER (ON RADIO)
Authorities are advising motorists not to pick up hitchhikers and to use caution at all rest stops.

MALE COMMENTATOR (ON RADIO)
State prisons are leakin' like a macramé diaphragm.

FEMALE COMMENTATOR (ON RADIO)
Texas' finest are in full manhunt mode.

MALE COMMENTATOR (ON RADIO)
Sheet! Manhunt mode! Sounds like a full weekend for you and your pals.

FEMALE COMMENTATOR (ON RADIO)
Oh, you!

MALE COMMENTATOR (ON RADIO)
Hey, you folks keep an eye out for three orange jumpsuits, at least until the marshal gets those "fellers" back in the pokey. And comin' up next: Another Hollywood actor's in rehab, and the state's largest tomato gets auctioned off for charity.

WAYNE
Well, I guess we'd better turn around.

HARRY
So what you're saying is north is there, right?

WAYNE
Well, a little bit. Yep.

HARRY
Yep. Unless I turn the map this way. (later)That is so much better. (more later)Come on.

WAYNE
Ow! Yeah, I almost got it. Come on. I almost got it.

HARRY
It's the cops. It's the cops. Come on. 

WAYNE
Pop?

HARRY
Let's get out of here. 

WAYNE
Pop who?

HARRY
Shit. Hi.

CHAPPY
It must be my lucky day. A lot of folks lookin' for you.

WAYNE
Hi.

CHAPPY
Oh, my. (later) Yeah, we're on our way in, but you'd better get your tow truck out there. Over.

Scene 6- The Court

WAYNE
Oh, no. I've heard about this before. Vigilante justice. We're screwed. They're gonna hang us.

HARRY
No, they aren't.

WAYNE
Yeah. They are.

HARRY
Shut up.

WAYNE
Oh my God.

THE JUDGE
Okay, sell me.

HARRY
Uh, W-why you want me to speak?

THE JUDGE
All we want to know is if you were offered one instead of two, would you take it?

WAYNE
We can do one easy. 

THE JUDGE
I know this is not what you're expecting, but I've always found these things to be negotiable.

HARRY
You want to negotiate?

CHAPPY
Now hold on.

HARRY
If it's all the same with you, Judge, we'd rather get less.

WAYNE
Much less.

THE JUDGE
Now we're getting somewhere.

CHAPPY
Now, stop right there. I didn't bring 'em in so you could give 'em less than minimum. These fellows are professionals. They should get what they deserve.

WAYNE
Damn cop!

HARRY
We'll take one, Your Honor.

THE JUDGE
Sold American. Let the record show that they've agreed to one thousand. Put in the time and date it.

HARRY
One thousand?

THE JUDGE
Yes.

HARRY
One thousand what?

THE JUDGE
Which one of you is Steven and which one is David?

WAYNE
What?

THE JUDGE
Oh, for Christ's sakes! Which one of you is Steven and which of you fellas is David?

HARRY
I'm Steven and this is-

WAYNE
W - The other one.

THE JUDGE
Well, Steven, we're talking about one thousand dollars here, which you've just agreed to. Two thousand is highway robbery and you know it. Now, if we're done here, you go to see Joe at the bank in the morning and you can sign for your money then. Welcome to Happy.

Scene 7 - Inside RV

HARRY
There must be something here with our names on it.

WAYNE
Midget clothes. We're midgets.

HARRY
We're not midgets. No. Maybe whoever owned this had kids.

WAYNE
Circus kids.

HARRY
Hey, what about this?

WAYNE
Hey, maybe we are tailors. We travel from town to town tailoring dresses for circus midgets.

HARRY
Traveling midget tailors?

WAYNE
Yeah, you think?

HARRY
No. Pageant World. A magazine for the pageant and talent industry. Heavy reading. What is this? Oh, my! 

WAYNE
Whoo!

HARRY
Legs that wrap around you twice.

WAYNE
Yeah.

HARRY
Princess Pageants at Pauper Prices. Dream do come true and we come to you. Trust Steven and David, the pageant professionals. We put on beauty pageants.

WAYNE
Wait. You mean we drive around in this thing here-

HARRY
And slide hot bodies into tight dresses.

WAYNE
I could do that.

HARRY
Hey, it's some photos. 

WAYNE
Hey.

HARRY
Yeah. Here we are in front of the motor home.

WAYNE
Uh-huh.

Scene 8- Outside RV

HARRY
So we're gay. How hard can that be?

WAYNE
It might not be hard for you, Rock Hudson, but I have got heterosexual -

HARRY
What?

WAYNE
'Not gay' written all over me.

HARRY
It's business. It's for the money.

WAYNE
I don't want to be gay.

HARRY
I'm not asking for the world here. I'm not asking you to act civil. Just- just walk into the bank and co-sign for a thousand dollars. A thousand dollars!

Scene 9- First Farmers County Bank

CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you really need a new tractor or do you just want one? All right. Now, can I have your account number with the bank?

JOE
Hi. Uh- Can I help you?

HARRY
Yeah, sweetheart. We got some confidential business with the bank's president.

JOE
Oh! Oh, you must be the pageant people.

HARRY
Yeah. We're here to collect the $ 1,000.

JOE
Oh, I- I think that's, uh, a half. Half a thousand.

HARRY
No, no. All of it.

WAYNE
You want to go fetch the pants around here?

HARRY
We prefer to deal with Joe. Nothing personal.

JOE
Jo- Josephine McClintock. Howdy. How y'all doin'? Folks around here call me Joe, after my dad. He died quite some time ago, so he's gonna be kind of hard for me to fetch. I know that I'm just a girl and everything, but I do believe that the agreement was five hundred up front and five upon completion.

HARRY
Well, aren't we the assholes?

JOE
Fifty - four hundred. Fifty and fifty makes it five hundred. There you go. You're both going to need to sign here as proof of receipt, okay?
Hey, Ely, what are you doin' out here this early? I got it.

ELY
Hey, Joe. Uh, the boys at the co-op give me a $ 20,000 advancement on my crop.

JOE
Mm-hmm.

ELY
Well, I'll have that in five and twenties.

JOE
Oh, come on, Ely. You know I don't have that kind of money around here till harvest day. Why don't you leave this here with me for the next two weeks? I'll pay you better interest than that mattress of yours. After harvest day, I can cash any cheque you like, hmm?

ELY
Well, could you let me have three dollars for lunch, then?

JOE
Well, I need to see some I.D. No, no, no, Ely. That was a joke.

ELY
Oh.

JOE
Okay. Bye-bye.

ELY
Bye.

JOE
All-right.

HARRY
So, Joe, you cash a lot of twenty thousand dollars cheques around here?

JOE
Why? You got one that needs to be cashed?

HARRY
Not on me.

JOE
Why? It's bad luck. Well, uh, it was- It was real interesting meeting you both.

WAYNE
Yep. See ya.

HARRY
Yeah. Very nice meeting you. 

JOE
Oh, okay.

HARRY
Very-

JOE
Okay.

HARRY
-nice.

Scene 10- Outside Joe's Bank

WAYNE
Fan-fucking-tastic. Let's find us some wheels and get out of Dodge. Are you thinkin' again? 'Cause you could think on the road, you know.

HARRY
We're not going.

WAYNE
What?

HARRY
We're staying. We're not going.

WAYNE
We? Did you grow another face? 'Cause I'm out of here. Remember, my half now. Two-fifty. Give it over. Oh, this one's sweet.

HARRY
Would you just stop and think?

WAYNE
Two-fifty is plainly enough for me to get out of here.

HARRY
Get how far? Right now every law enforcement officer in the south-west is looking for you, but no one is looking for a cake-eating, pageant-producing, midget-tailoring gay couple in Happy, Texas. Wait for the heat to cool down. Stay here two weeks. Then we take the bank down and travel in style, right?

WAYNE
When did people in small towns start lockin' their doors? God! All right, what about the RV? I mean, somebody's gonna come lookin' for that.

HARRY
Worries we don't have yet. If it's get hot, we just grab a car and get gone, right?

WAYNE
All right. Let's say I go along with this. I mean, you're a kind of wuss. You've been right so far. What do you need me for?

HARRY
Two-man job, Wayne. I need a partner.

CHAPPY
Oh. Uh- Mornin'. Howdy. I'm glad I found y'all. I looked at your place.

HARRY
What can we do for you?

CHAPPY
They're waitin'.

HARRY
They're waiting?

CHAPPY
The girls.

HARRY
Oh, the girls!

CHAPPY
It- it started without you. I told 'em I'd round y'all up.

HARRY
The girls are waiting.

WAYNE
Yeah, the girls.

CHAPPY
Hardly sit down, they're so excited to meet you two.

HARRY
I've often said to David: 'David', I've said, 'nothin' starts the day off like an excited girl'.

WAYNE
Yep. And I've often said: 'Right'.

CHAPPY
Well, just giddyap.

Scene 11- The Church

MISS SCHAEFER
And ball change and sugar. And ball change. Now we do a loop kick.

HARRY
Now, normally I like to be on the glamour end of a partnership, but you've got a real way with people. I've seen it. So to use your talents in the best way possible, I'm willing to take the burden of responsibility for the bank. Yours will be this pageant thing.

WAYNE
Or how about this: you bite me. Why can't I do the bank? Why do I got to do the kids?

HARRY
You know what I was doing time for?

MISS SCHAEFER
Sorry. Good mornin'. Well, I'd like to welcome you both to Happy. I'm Miss Schaefer.

HARRY
Good mornin', Miss Schaefer. I'm Steven.

WAYNE
I'm the other one-

HARRY
David.

WAYNE
David.

MISS SCHAEFER
Hi. Well, we're just so very excited y'all being here and all. We're convinced with your expertise, we can finally qualify this year. I'm afraid I've been doin' the Little Fresh Squeezed Pageants for eight years now. No qualifiers yet. Last couple of years, even the parents stopped comin', which is a disappointment. But we're hostin' the event this year. What with thirteen towns and nearly a hundred girls competing, well--

HARRY
Well, you did the right thing calling us in, because David here is what we call in the business a pageant master.

MISS SCHAEFER
Really?

HARRY
And there are only four of those in the whole United States.

MISS SCHAEFER
My, my.

HARRY
So what I'd like to do is to leave you in his capable hands and let him work his magic-

MISS SCHAEFER
Right.

HARRY
-while I tend to our business affairs.

WAYNE
Steven, you don't have to go so soon.

HARRY
Yes, I do, David.

WAYNE
No, you don't, Steven.

HARRY
Yes, I do, darling. He hates it when we're apart.

MISS SCHAEFER
Oh.

HARRY
It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Schaefer.

MISS SCHAEFER
Nice meeting you.

HARRY
See ya.

MISS SCHAEFER
Mmm. Well, would you like to meet the girls?

WAYNE
Do you mind if I just stand here for a minute?

MISS SCHAEFER
You don't have to be nervous about the girls. They're fine with, uh, you know.

WAYNE
What?

MISS SCHAEFER
About you being a h-homosexual.

WAYNE
Oh, yeah.

MISS SCHAEFER
Now, everyone, I want you to say 'hi' to David.

GIRLS
Hi, David!

WAYNE
Hi.

MISS SCHAEFER
Your booklet requested a piano. Perhaps you'd like to let the girls vocalize?

WAYNE
Great. (singing) Aah! Too high.
Old Dan Tucker was a fine old man
Washed his face in a frying pan
Combed his hair with a wagon wheel
Died with a toothache in his heel
Way out West-
Old Dan Tucker
Go out West
Old Dan - kicking around
Way Out West
Old Dan Tucker

JENCY
Old Dan Tucker.

WAYNE
Was that that hard?

Scene 12- First Farmers County Bank

HARRY
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello.

CHAPPY
Hello to you.

HARRY
Jesus.

CHAPPY
Thought I was going to have to stop a bank robbery.

HARRY
You really scared me.

JOE
Last man in that safe who didn't work here, my daddy shot in his 
tracks.

HARRY
I understand that's the most painful place to be shot in.

JOE
So, uh, what are you doin' back there?

HARRY
I- I couldn't find anybody. I called out. The safe was open. But it could've been soundproofed.

JOE
I'm going to have to start beefin' up security around here.

MRS. BROMLEY
Pistol whip him, Chappy. Give him a little knick-knack-paddy-wack.

CHAPPY
He's one of those pageant fellas.

MRS. BROMLEY
Oh. Oh! Oh, Joe, ask him about the trees.

HARRY
The trees?

MRS. BROMLEY
Yep. You are lookin' at the pageant's decoration committee.

JOE
Yeah. We've been out shoppin' for decoration. We sort of decided on orange trees and twinkle lights. I mean, if that's all right with you.

HARRY
Twinkle lights sounds great.

JOE
Um, well, I-- So, was there somethin' that you needed?

HARRY
No, I just wanted to make sure the decorations were taken care of. And things look great here, so, uh- So, I'd better go check on Wayne. Uh, Wayne, uh, Newton.

JOE
Oh.

HARRY
The music for the dance numbers. I gotta go.

JOE
Okay. Well. I'll see ya.

HARRY
Hmm.

JOE
Bye.

MRS BROMLEY
Not how I pictured him at all.

CHAPPY
They're crafty that way.

MRS BROMLEY
Mm. I mean, he's cute in a sort of zestfully clean kind of way. But I like my men a little dirty and packin' heat. Mm, Chappy?

CHAPPY
Uh, I best bring the rest of it up.

MRS BROMLEY
All right.

JOE
I've got it. I've got it. I've got it.

MISS BROMLEY
Thank you. I thought they were gay.

JOE
They are.

MISS BROMLEY
Ho, ho. I don't know much, but I know men. And he was lookin' at you the way a fat man looks at fried food.

Scene 13- The Church

WAYNE + GIRLS
Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall
Sixty-four bottles of beer
You take one down, pass it around

GIRLS
Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall-

Scene 14- Chappy's Office

CHAPPY
No, goddamn it. They're keepin' us totally in the dark here. Yeah, I got my tactical display here. Mm-hmm. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Come on in here. Come on. Save me a trip. Hold, uh- Hold. Let me get a pen and a paper here. Hold on. Look at that. What do you think of that? Okay, give it to me.

HARRY
It wasn't my idea to escape. It was a fight between Wayne and Bob-

CHAPPY
Hey, can I finish this phone call, please? Thank you. Go ahead. Send it to me. No, don't fax it to me, Goddamn it, that's what I've been tellin' you. It's- It's all mushy. I can't make heads or tails out of it. Bring it to me. You bet. That'd be fine. Tomorrow? Fine. I'll keep an eye out for you. Oh. I was gonna find you. The boys at the garage- Your RV there. Basically a piece of crap. Sorry. So how are you?

HARRY
Better all the time.

Scene 15- Joe's Room

MALE REPORTER (ON RADIO)
Mexican authorities have been brought into the search for the three men who escaped from a prison van yesterday. Police now think the three may have crossed the border into Mexico, so the manhunt is being concentrated along the Rio Grande Valley.

Scene 16- The Boarding House

HARRY
You won't believe what just happened to me. Thank goodness for small town sheriffs. The guy's holding my mug shot. Next thing I know, we're drinking a beer and talking about--

WAYNE
If you ever leave me with a kid again, I will make sure that you never have one! You have no idea what it is like to have these screamin' little booger eaters lookin' up at you, expecting you to know stuff. Why can't we do the bank now?

HARRY
Because right now that bank is just an ugly stepsister to when the harvest money comes in! And that's why.

WAYNE
I don't care whose sister is at the bank. I can't go back in there and play the fool.

HARRY
All right. I agree. All right?

WAYNE
Don't.

HARRY
We gotta get the girls into the pageant. It's the answer to keeping the whole town busy on bank day. It's the best of all possible diversions. It's our alibi. We can't rob a bank if we're hosting a beauty pageant, can we? 

WAYNE
No.

HARRY
Wayne. Come on, Wayne. Solitary, lousy food, big men with bad breath. Or we're rich, great beaches, foreign women with large breasts.

WAYNE
I'm gonna pick that one.

HARRY
All right!

WAYNE
All right. You're on. All right.

HARRY
Sold American. To pull it off, this needs to be more of a partnership.

Scene 17- Outside Joe's Bank

JOE
All right. Thank you, guys. Yeah.

AN OFFICER
Hello? Sheriff? Anybody here?

Scene 18- Chappy's Office

HARRY
Hello? Sheriff Dent?

Scene 19- The Church

MISS SCHAEFER
Give me that gasoline, Jency! I promise I'm going to let you do your flaming baton trick later.

BOY
Sissies. Sissies. Pageant Sissies.

MISS SCHAEFER
David, do you want to help me with something?

WAYNE
Right.

MADISON
I wanna get him!

BOY
No! Let go of me, you homo!

WAYNE
You come anywhere near these girls again, I won't say nothin'. I'm just gonna come over your house late at night when you're asleep and kill you with a chain saw.

BOY
Aaah!

MADISON
Cool.

WAYNE
You got no room to talk, lady! Don't you ever let me catch you fight like that again! You don't ever drop your lead shoulder when you throw a punch. You think shoulder to face when you hit. Shoulder to face. Sure you're okay?

MADISON
Yeah.

WAYNE
Do you smoke?

MADISON
No, thanks. Man, I've never seen Miss Schaefer that mad before.

WAYNE
She was mad?

MADISON
I think she was expecting more from this whole thing. She's been talking about all this great stuff you were going to teach us. And, well, so far, nothin'.

WAYNE
All right, goddamn it! Shut yer yappers! Get your diapered butts in line! Get over here! Over here! Now, we got work to do!

MADISON
Cool!

WAYNE
All right. This might look hard at first. All right. Head back! Oh, my God. One, two, three, four! Go! Okay! It's a tornado! It's a tornado goin' through the small town! Whippin' around. Watch it. Make it go. Winds of fury! Giddyap! Go! Go!

MISS SCHAEFER
Okay.

WAYNE
All right. Let's get started.

MISS SCHAEFER
Girls, would you like to try to follow what he did?

Scene 20- The Auction

THE JUDGE
Going once. Going twice. Sold! Three hundred and fifty dollars for this nice Mako gas range over here. Next up here we have a wonderful item. For less than that. This is a classic. It's antique. It's a Ming vase.

MISS BROMLEY
It's a Ming vase?

THE JUDGE
It's a Wyo-Ming vase. I brought it in from Wyoming, but it's a nice one. There's a little crack in the back, but you can fix that up. How about we start this at $100? A $100 bid. A hundred dollars, anybody? A hundred- How about this outstanding picture? A man sitting on a tractor. I don't believe it's a John Deere, but his wife probably calls him John Dear.
Right now our next lot is lot 24. It's a collection of tires. You all know Varnel's affection for tires. There's a lot of good rubber in these tires, and there's some steel belteds in there. We'll start the bidding at two hundred. Two hundred. Two hundred. Give me three. Lookin' for three. Three hundred dollar bid. Three hundred dollar. Lookin'-

JOE
Hi. Am I glad to see you. I thought I was going to die.

THE JUDGE
We got a $400 bid.

JOE
Hey, Varnel, what are you biddin' on?

VARNEL
Joe, that's a- a hell of a price.

JOE
But, Varnel, those are your tires. Judge, don't let him buy those tires.

THE JUDGE
Sorry, Varnel. Okay, we'll continue biddin' here.

HARRY
Have you always taken care of everyone?

JOE
You know what they say about small towns: like big families, no secrets. Which is, um, sort of why I wanted to, uh, talk to you. Uh, I need some advice.

HARRY
You can trust me.

JOE
This is a little hard, um, but I feel that I can talk to you, because you're, um, because you're sort of-

HARRY
Because-

JOE
Well, because-

HARRY
I'm an outsider?

JOE
You are. Yes, you are, but that's not it.

HARRY
Because I'm handsome?

JOE
No. I mean, you're very handsome, I think; but that's not really what I'm, uh- Okay.

HARRY
Because I'm a man?

JOE
Yes-- and no. I just feel like I can talk to you like a girlfriend. D'you know what I mean?

HARRY
That's a first.

JOE
I mean it in a good way. I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time.

HARRY
Me either.

JOE
That's funny.

HARRY
Hilarious.

JOE
I couldn't help but notice that you seemed to have kept a certain amount of passion in your relationship.

HARRY
With David? Passion? Yeah, I, uh, I-- I guess I work hard to keep that in my life.

JOE
See, relationships for me have all just been a little bit fuzzy. And the difference between what is good and what is settling has always been a real problem for me. So I'm just lookin' for anything that would help. I mean, a tip or magic spell.

HARRY
For a relationship that you're in?

JOE
Yeah.

HARRY
Oh. And this guy, uh- It is a guy, right?

JOE
Yes, it's a guy. Of course, it's a guy.

HARRY
Good.

JOE
A good guy.

HARRY
Guys are easy. And all they want is-

JOE
The bank. The bank!

HARRY
The bank?

Scene 21- Outside The Church

MISS SCHAEFER
Sugar, stop cryin'. It's all right. It's just an accident. Everybody all right?

WAYNE
Ow! Here's your baton, Jency. I'm sorry it melted.

THE JUDGE
It's out! The fire is out! All you people go home! No, no, no. Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty. And will somebody turn off the damned alarm?

JOE
Man, I always get scared when I hear that old tornado siren.

HARRY
You thought a tornado hit the bank?

JOE
No. No, the bank's alarm, fire department and public safety are all tied in to the same system. My heart is going a mile a minute.

HARRY
Girl, you need to relax.

JOE
Yeah. Well, I'm open to suggestions.

HARRY
Why don't you let me give the girlfriend role a try? I'll help you out with the decorations.

JOE
Okay. Why don't you come by tomorrow, then?

MISS SCHAEFER
David? May I have a word with you, please? Now, most times, I don't like to have to say anything about what people say or what they do, but I will not stand by and allow you to use vulgar language like the "G.D." word in front of those little girls. I will not let that happen. Do you understand me?

WAYNE
I wish you wouldn't talk to me like that.

MISS SCHAEFER
Well, I'm sorry, David, but it had to be said. I'm sorry.

HARRY
Hi, Miss Schaefer. Would you mind if I borrowed David for one second?

MISS SCHAEFER
No.

HARRY
What the hell are you trying to do? 

WAYNE
About what?

HARRY
Fry a bunch of little girls. Need I remind you? Need I remind you that those girls are our meal ticket here? Oh! What'd you do that for?

WAYNE
Don't talk to me like that.

HARRY
Okay. God. My mistake.

CHAPPY
Everything, um, copacetic with your companion there?

HARRY
Yeah. We're more like just friends now.

CHAPPY
Yeah, it seems friendly.

HARRY
Yeah. In many ways we just stick together 'cause of the job.

CHAPPY
Your, uh,- Your work is awful important to you, then?

HARRY
Sure. I gotta go.

CHAPPY
H- Hold on there. Hold on. I was thinkin'. Something occurred to me. If you got the time, I'd like to ask you some questions about you and your- your friend there. You mind comin' over to my office.

HARRY
C- Can I do it another time? It's be better for me.

Scene 22- Joe's House

JOE
How's it goin'?

HARRY
You know what they say.

JOE
What are they sayin' now?

HARRY
Oh, you know: measure twice, cut once. You? How are you doing?

JOE
Good. I'm almost finished with my masterpiece. I call it : 'Family Tree'. I think I may have just found my true calling. How are you doing? You almost done with the tree trunks? We need 'em.

HARRY
Be right there. So tell me about this man of yours.

JOE
Uh- His name is Glenn.

HARRY
Uh-huh. Where is Glenn now?

JOE
He's in Van Horn. He stops by every once in a while for dinner and breakfast. A few late-night phone calls. It's a very modern relationship. Mm. We've been together six years next month.

HARRY
Six years of what? Breakfast and phone calls? It sounds kind of convenient. It doesn't sound very-- very permanent.

JOE
Well, I can wait.

HARRY
What for?

JOE
You know when you're in your twenties and everything is going to happen someday? And then you get a little past your twenties and someday is happening or has happened. Your dad dies, and you go from Josephine to Joe, president of the bank. And everybody starts depending on you. Your love life sort of takes a back seat. You start to realize that maybe- maybe your-- maybe your ultimate dreams are unattainable. I don't know. I guess I'm still waiting for someday. Well, on the plus side, he does do something every once in a while that feels worth waitin' for.

HARRY
What's that?

JOE
He tells me that he loves me.

HARRY
Oh, come on. 'Love you' is easy, men say it all the time. Men say they love their work, love their cars, love their-- love their freedom. He should be telling you something more than that.

JOE
Like what?

HARRY
Here. He should take you in his arms, look you straight in your eyes. He should say-- I don't know. He should say: 'I may have seen a woman in my life who is considered prettier, but I've never seen one more beautiful. When you laugh and your eyes are happy, I think, I think no matter what, I'm a success'. He should say: 'I want you.' Yeah. 'I want you, Joe. You'll never be second to anything else, because I want you more than anything else. I want to kiss you. I want to breathe in the air out of you'.

JOE
Ha ha ha ha ha.... Right! Like some straight guy's ever gonna say that! Oh, my God. Hey, man, you are good. You know that? You are really, really good.

HARRY
Well, a man in love is a man in love.

JOE
Yeah.

HARRY
It makes them say the strangest things. Come on. Finish the trees.

JOE
Oh, yeah. Okay. Trees.

HARRY
Let's go.

JOE
Well, I-- I'd better go wash this off, so we can move on to gettin' covered in tree trunk brown, yep. Oh, excuse me.

Scene 23- Going Hunting

CHAPPY
Don't move. Got ya. Bang.

HARRY
There's one less bunny rabbit that'll be bothering you.

CHAPPY
Damn rodents. Chewin' up everything in sight. You know, they breed like rabbits.

HARRY
Yeah, I heard. Sheriff, why are we out here?

CHAPPY
Let me choose the right words here. Uh, ever since you and David come to town, I've been thinkin': what's wrong with this picture? There's one. You want him?

HARRY
No.

CHAPPY
Look, there he goes. He's got two. Thank you. Truth to tell: I invite you out here because I need some advice.

HARRY
Sure, if I can help.

CHAPPY
I'm just a crusty old redneck, and I don't express myself well. And recently there's someone that I would love to express myself to.

HARRY
Why, Sheriff, you've got a crush on some sweet thing. That's great.

CHAPPY
There comes a time in a man's life when he must be bold.

HARRY
Uh, sure. I- I've learned that you've got to say what's in your heart. Life is short. And to let the chance pass you of spending it with someone you love, that's a sin. A real sin.

CHAPPY
Here we go. You want this one? You take him. Bring it up nice and slow. Easy. Easy. Easy. You got the safety off there?

HARRY
Eh-hem.

CHAPPY
Is it tight against your shoulder? Keep it tight. Nice and tight. That's good. You're good.

HARRY
Yeah.

CHAPPY
I guess like everybody else, I'm scared of bein' , you know, rejected.

HARRY
There's no way, man. You're a real catch. You're a man's man. You're a nice guy. You got your health. And everybody knows what a turn on a uniform is.

CHAPPY
Just bring it up tight into your shoulder there. 

HARRY
Mm-hmm.

CHAPPY
You're going to just squeeze it. Don't jerk it. Just squeeze it. Look right down the barrel. Keep both your eyes open. You mean all that stuff that you said?

HARRY
If you were gay, you'd be just my type.

CHAPPY
Pop him. Jiminy Crickets! Are you all right?

HARRY
I -uh -yeah. Did I get it?

CHAPPY
Uh, I don't think there's any danger of that. Are you sure you're all right?

HARRY
Yeah. I'm fine.

CHAPPY
I think you're mighty handsome. I'd never split up another couple. But now that I see that you and David aren't together anymore, well, that's a cat of a different color. So, bein' bold here. What do you say you and me go out on a proper date?

Scene 24- Montage: Joe's Terrace, The Church, Joe's Bank

HARRY
Two bottles.

WAYNE
And land. And land. Like an airplane. 'Cause I got my weight in my hip. Weight in my hip. Weight in hip. And land. And-
(To Madison) Put it up. Punch and punch! And come on!

HARRY
That way. All right.

JOE
You do it.

WAYNE (To Madison)
Yeah. Put it up here. Doing the swan head. Face me, though. Good. All right. Let's go inside and show the others.

Scene 25- Gay Bar

CHAPPY
That's pretty much my story, up through high school anyway.

HARRY
Lucky we had the two-and-a-half-hour drive to get here.

CHAPPY
It's just that I've heard about this place for so long. I figured this was a good time. Tell you what. I'll get us a couple of beers. You can tell me about yourself. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on there. God knows when we're gonna see you again. Um, we need two more Tecates. Each?

HARRY
At least.

CHAPPY
There you go. And, uh, give me the meanest steak you got. Rare, and I mean rare. Just dehorn it, wipe its butt and send it in. Steven?

HARRY
Two.

CHAPPY
There you go. Well, first things first: I'm glad you're here. I wish you'd start calling me Chappy.

HARRY
Chappy. 

CHAPPY
There ya go.

HARRY
I hope you understand if we take this very slow.

CHAPPY
Oh, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just that I feel we're a lot alike.

HARRY
There's a lot you don't know about me.

CHAPPY
Well, that's what life's for, isn't it? Findin' out. I'm gonna spin you again.

HARRY
No.

CHAPPY
A one, two.

Scene 26- The Church

WAYNE
How was the prom? Your date, did you get any?

HARRY
Yeah, very funny. Screw you.

WAYNE
Well, that would be cheatin' on the sheriff? So, you did some dancin'?

HARRY
Why do you care?

WAYNE
I'll tell you why I care. You don't think I know what you're doin', do you?

HARRY
What?

WAYNE
Goin' to the banker lady's house for popcorn and pillow talk. Goin' huntin'. What did you do tonight? Did you go some place nice for dinner? Did you have a few drinks? Hmm? You don't think I'd like to get out some night or have a nice meal? Spend one night not thinkin' about the girls? You know what I did tonight? I'll tell you what I did. I spent it right here, tryin' to figure out if slip-stitchin' or bastin' is the best way to put on a sparkly heart. Because you know what? I don't know how. Judges are gonna be here tomorrow. Madison's not gotten all the way through her song. The numbers are all over the place. Nobody can keep the beat. And I'm scared to death that Jency is gonna drop her baton and fry like one of them Buddhist monks. There- I thought this was a partnership. You know what I don't see? I don't see no keys to the bank.

HARRY
Fine, Wayne. Let's trade. You come pretend to be Chappy's life mate. You explain how you don't kiss early in a relationship 'cause you're not that kind of guy.

WAYNE
So now it's Chappy.

HARRY
Yes. Dammit! It's Chappy! We're dating! I gotta get out of here.

WAYNE
Every time we start to have a nice talk, you gotta go. Fine. You know what? Maybe I'll just go do the bank myself.

HARRY
Okay, Wayne. Go. You go do it. You go do the bank.

WAYNE
All right. First I gotta make the polka-dotted flowers for the girls's hats.

Scene 27- Joe's Terrace

JOE
You're quiet today. Are you all right?

HARRY
Every time I think about you I am. What?

JOE
You're such a surprise.

HARRY
What do you mean?

JOE
I don't know. Just a surprise. Well, I have to get back to work.

HARRY
I'll clean up.

JOE
Thanks.

HARRY
Can I see you later? It's the last night in town.

JOE
I can't. I'm having company.

HARRY
How about after?

JOE
Ehm, it's Glenn, Steven. "After" will be tomorrow. Okay. Well, thanks again for lunch. I'll see you.

Scene 28- Selections

MISS SCHAEFER
Oh, David. Where've you been?

WAYNE
I just woke up. Where's the girls?

MISS SCHAEFER
They're inside with the judges now. It's so close. We're so close this year. Just once, I'd like to show those people from Pecos and Fort Davis that we are just as good as they are. Sorry.

WAYNE
Well, I think we'll do fine. You know, I just wanted to tell you that next year you don't need my help 'cause you're done real good.

MISS SCHAEFER
Well, thanks. Coming from a professional like yourself, that means so much.

WAYNE
Yep. Well-

MISS SCHAEFER
And you are, I must say- You are fuckin' great!

PAGEANT JUDGE
Don't mean to be rude. We still have the girls to see in Fort Davis this afternoon. And thanks so much for your hospitality. Everything looks very festive for tomorrow. Oh, here are the final instructions for the program and your copy of the contestant list.

MISS SCHAEFER
Are you telling me that somebody qualified?

PAGEANT JUDGE
Miss Schaefer, they all qualifies.

MISS SCHAEFER
They all qualified! (later) It zips! It zips!
Now, I haven't had a whole lot of experience, but you're incredible. I mean, considering the fact that you are h-homosexual.

WAYNE
Well, that whole gay thing is just kind of a- a hobby, really.

MISS SCHAEFER
I thought you had a lot of girls' names on you for a- for a, you know. Who's Jessica?

WAYNE
Jessica Lange.

MISS SCHAEFER
Ah. Who's Jamie?

WAYNE
Jamie Lee Curtis, from that movie Trading Places.

MISS SCHAEFER
Who's this?

WAYNE
That's not a tattoo.

MISS SCHAEFER
Oh, my.

Scene 29- Suburban

CHAPPY
Three most romantic sounds in the world: plane engine, a ship's whistle, and a locomotive's horn. Somebody once said that. Or maybe it's the three loneliest sounds. I can't remember. What are you thinkin' about, out here watchin' the freighters go by?

HARRY
Goin'. I'm always thinkin' about goin'.

CHAPPY
Oh, Lordy, we sure did get to the gettin' gone part quick. I got something for you.

HARRY
Oh, Chappy, you shouldn't have.

CHAPPY
Oh, go on, now. It's for luck tomorrow and to say thanks. Thank you for the-- the gift that these last days have been. You know I-- I've been thinkin', hell, Dallas ain't that far. My schedule's pretty flexible, and-- We don't need to talk about that now. There's time for that later. Go on. Open it. It's a rabbit's foot. I made it. It's for luck. That come off the only one you hit that day.

HARRY
Thank you.

CHAPPY
I want you to know, when you leave, I know folks around here. They'll talk about it for years. "Remember when the two fellas came for that beauty pageant?" I'll think about you. I just want to make sure you got something of me with you.

Scene 30- Joe's House

JOE
D'you want some coffee? Hang on a second, I'll be right there. I didn't mean to be rude. I just wanted to get out of that robe. So, I take it this is your "I stayed up all night" look as opposed to your "I'll get up early and get Josephine some breakfast" look.

HARRY
That bad, huh?

JOE
I guess I should be flattered by your stalking.

HARRY
There's such a fine line between stalking and being attentive and I was, well, being attentive. How's Glenn?

JOE
Oh, he's gone.

HARRY
Yeah. I saw him leave.

JOE
No. I mean he's "gone" gone. Yeah. I told him it was over and he said fine, he wasn't having that much fun anyway. Very adult of him. I mean, I was at least hoping for some tears or a tantrum. Something. Well, how 'bout that, huh?

HARRY
Are you all right?

JOE
No. Which is stupid. I mean, it's not like anything he said was such a big surprise. It's just that-- that I had this big speech worked out about how I didn't want to be second anymore, how I wanted a relationship that permanent, you know, not just convenient. And I wanted to be part of a couple that did things as a-- as a couple, you know? I wanted him to talk to me the way you did, look at me, pay attention to me the way you do. I mean, that's not too much to ask, right? That's not too much to want?

HARRY
Joe. Joe- God. I wish- Joe, you are great. You are. You're great. You'll meet somebody. You're going to meet someone.

JOE
Yeah. And with my luck, he'll turn out to be gay.

Scene 31- First Farmers County Bank

HARRY
All right. All right. Outside! Let's go.

WAYNE
Hey. You and me, we ain't talkin'.

HARRY
I know what you're doin' here. It's not right.

MRS. BROMLEY
Hi there. Sure lookin' forward to that pageant this afternoon.

WAYNE
Listen, I am not waitin' for you to clean this place out this afternoon and I get zip. I'm going to sign for my other two-fifty which I've more than earned and then-

A LADY
Good morning, boys.

WAYNE
Piss on you. I am gone.

HARRY
Wait. Wait. Two-fifty?

MRS. BROMLEY
Saw Liberace one time in Laughlin. Great show. He's an all right fella, too. Like y'all, but sittin' at the far end of that counter, if you know what I mean.

HARRY
Would you excuse us?

MRS. BROMLEY
Oh, sure.

HARRY
Two-fifty? You're here to sign for the other half of the salary? I thought we're going to rob a bank.

WAYNE
Me? I'm not robbing the bank. You're robbing the bank.

HARRY
I am not robbing the bank!

WAYNE
It was your idea.

HARRY
Yeah, it was my idea, but now it's not. I think I'm falling in love.

WAYNE
With the sheriff or the banker?

HARRY
With Joe.

WAYNE
Bad luck.

MRS. BROMLEY
Boys, in case no one else got around to telling you, we sure do appreciate what y'all done around here. Well, that's it. See you both at the show.

HARRY
Hey, you've done a good job, Wayne. Better 'n I could've done with those kids. You're a good partner. You take my share. It's time for me to go.

BOB
Buenos dias, girls. I got my new car parked outside. Y'all want to look at it?

BANK TELLER
Next.

Scene 32 - Inside Bob's Car

BOB
Ain't life funny? Us back together again. Kind of like a Kodak commercial. Imagine my surprise when I come up out of my hole where I've been waitin' for things to cool off a little bit. And who do I see in my bank? Goat boy's girlfriend here. So tell me girlfriend, tell me about your plan to get my money or we can do my plan. But I always figure killin' a bunch of people makes for a slower getaway.

HARRY
All right. I'll give you the combo.

WAYNE
Whoo. Hey. Alarm.

HARRY
Thank you, Wayne.

BOB
What about that?

HARRY
Don't worry about the alarm. I'll cut the alarm.

WAYNE
If it's on a reset switch, you know, it'll start before you--

BOB
What about that?

HARRY
It'll be on for a second or two. I'll coordinate the break-in with something loud. What's loud?

WAYNE
Well, when my girls come onstage, their entrance music is pretty loud.

MISS SCHAEFER
David.

HARRY
How you doin'? When?

WAYNE
A quarter to four.

HARRY
Okay. Three forty-five I cut the alarm. Then you're on your own.

Scene 33- Dressing Room

WAYNE
How long has he been in there?

HARRY
Hmm?

WAYNE
In the bathroom. How long do you think he's been in there?

HARRY
What's it matter?

WAYNE
I would-- I was thinkin' if he has the cramps or somethin', we could surprise him.

HARRY
What are you going to do? Jump him in the can?

WAYNE
I can take him.

HARRY
No, you can't.

WAYNE
I think I can take him.

HARRY
Wayne, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're a lousy fighter.

WAYNE
Well, at least I ain't actin' like a pee-waddlin' hound handin' out the combination of my girlfriend's bank.

HARRY
I am not helping him. All right. I am helping him. But it's better this way. It's better that no one gets hurt.

BOB
You should've seen it. Lifted me right off the seat. I could've named it Flipper. Hey, you both look que bonita, just like everything's normal. That's good.

CHAPPY
Steven, it's me, Chappy.

BOB
Who's Chappy?

HARRY
The sheriff.

BOB
You get better rid of him right quick, or else I will.

HARRY
Getting dressed! Just a second! Hey, Chappy. Hey.

CHAPPY
Hey, you. I wasn't trying to catch you with just your drawers on, I promise. Hey, David.

WAYNE
How are you?

CHAPPY
I thought I'd stop and visit for a bit before the festivities begin. I got a line on some transportation for you. It ain't pretty, but it'll get you where you're going. I-- I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?

HARRY
Yeah. You sort of are right now.

CHAPPY
Oh, I'm sorry, Steven. I'm --I think I'm being a little selfish right now. And it's your last day in town and all, and I'm tryin' to fit in as much time as I possibly can. Me and the boys were fixin' up your RV there. We're going to tow it to El Paso. I think we can--

HARRY
Chappy, I need you to go.

CHAPPY
I can stay out of your way here until you're done.

HARRY
I-- I don't want you in here right now, okay?

CHAPPY
Of course. Sure. All right. We're still going to sit together during the show, right?

HARRY
No, no. I don't think so.

CHAPPY
What? What are you talkin' about?

HARRY
Will you just go away? I don't want to sit with you tonight and I don't want to see you back here again and I don't want you looking for me after the show!

CHAPPY
Steven, if there's something I've done-

HARRY
Here.

CHAPPY
No.

HARRY
I must've been out of my mind. Wasting my time with some redneck, hick sheriff with bug eyes and two left feet. Just leave me alone.

BOB
It's nice my new amigo is so concerned about his friends. Means I don't have to worry about how this is going to go down.

HARRY
Let's do it. 

Scene 34- Getting Ready for the Pageant

WAYNE
All right.

MISS SCHAEFER
Hi.

WAYNE
Hi.

MISS SCHAEFER
Okay, everyone. I hope we're all ready. Come on. Come on. Come here. Okay. Do you think we should pray?

WAYNE
Yeah.

MISS SCHAEFER
Yeah. Why don't you go ahead?

WAYNE
All right. Bow your heads.

MADISON
What about hold hands?

WAYNE
All right. Let's hold hands.

MISS SCHAEFER
Okay.

WAYNE
Okay, God, just want you to look down on these girls here. They're like little flowers, and the rain you send 'em got to be gentle and sweet. We come to you today and we ask you to just help 'em, help us grab this pageant by the balls and rip 'em off. I mean, if those judges don't like us, then screw 'em. These girls here- they're talented, they're pretty. And if those judges say anything different, then I hope that on Judgement Day you put their asses through a meat grinder. Amen.

MADISON
Amen!

MISS SCHAEFER
Amen.

A WOMAN
It's show time, folks! Let's go!

MISS SCHAEFER
Good luck! Break a leg! Not really.

Scene 35 - The Competition

WAYNE
All right. Break an egg.

HARRY
Ladies and gentlemen, straight from the big bend of Texas, your nominees for Little Miss Fresh- Squeezed. Welcome to Happy. Welcome. Where we are more than happy to be hosting the Eighteenth Annual Little Miss Fresh-Squeezed Pre-Teen Talent Competition. Ninety-seven girls from thirteen communities competing for a chance to represent their hometown at the state pageant in Dallas next month.

WAYNE
What's going on?

HARRY
No matter what, remember: three forty-five.

Scene 36- Texas Marshals Headquarters

NALHOBER
Speak!

Scene 37- The Competition

A CONTESTANT (Singing)
This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine;
This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine;
This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine;
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

WAYNE
Well, you do-

MISS SCHAEFER
That's why- Good news. The Del Rio girls haven't shown  up, so the Happy Girls are going to go onstage early. I thought maybe we could go back to my place.

WAYNE
Go- that would be- What?!?

MISS SCHAEFER
We could go back to my place.

WAYNE
Wait. Happy Girls aren't supposed to go on till quarter to four.

MISS SCHAEFER
We're fifteen minutes early.

WAYNE
Oh.

MISS SCHAEFER
David. David. No, David.

WAYNE
Hi-ho. You know, this reminds me of a story.

Scene 38 - Texas Marshals Headquarters

NALHOBER
Well, I'll be dipped. Hey, Alton, get a map, get ahold of the SWAT boys and get your best body armor.

ALTON
Yes, sir.

NALHOBER
We have been invited to a party.

A MARSHAL
Call the local boy. Tell him what's up.

Scene 39- Onstage

WAYNE
Way out West.

AUDIENCE
Old Dan Tucker.

WAYNE
Pop some corn.

AUDIENCE
Old Dan Tucker.

HARRY
We got to go.

WAYNE
Hey, I am in the middle of a song here.

HARRY
Well, our plans have been changed.

A WOMAN
Hey, come on.

HARRY
Please trust me. Get us a car.

MISS SCHAEFER (Over PA)
I could not be prouder today to introduce to you the Happy Girls.

Scene 40- Chappy's Office

WAYNE
What the hell are we doing here?

HARRY
The alarm is in Chappy's office.

WAYNE
Okay. Enough. I consider the bank robbed, the town safe. It's time to go.

HARRY
Come on. Where are they?

WAYNE
Who?

HARRY
Texas marshals.

WAYNE
You saw Texas marshals out there?

HARRY
No.

WAYNE
Oh, Jesus. You scared me. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble.

HARRY
They should be here by now.

WAYNE
No. See? They don't. If they responded to alarms, which they don't-

HARRY
I called them.

WAYNE
Jesus on the crutch! What the-

HARRY
I couldn't let him have Joe's bank. I can't let Bob do that. They're here. I think it's time we go.

WAYNE
Thank you.

HARRY
No. Joe, don't! Joe! 

Scene 41- Chappy's Office's Roof

ALTON
No, you got to hit Farm Market Road 2448. South to Happy.

NALHOBER
Great googly moogly. What is goin' on now?

Scene 42- The Robbery

BOB
Look who's here, mija.

HARRY
Joe.

BOB
He's talkin' to you.

JOE
Steven.

BOB
That's enough. 

NALHOBER
I put four of 'em inside. Let's assume the woman is a civilian. You let me know when one of your boys got a clear shot.

BOB
You know what I don't figure, goat boy? Either you're here for the cut, in which case I'd just as soon shoot you, or maybe you've come for mi novia here.

HARRY
You don't have to hurt her, Bob. Hurting her is not part of the deal.

BOB
You stand real still. You hold this. I'm going to ask you for your gun.

HARRY
Gun?

BOB
Amateurs.

ALTON
Got an unidentified on the street.

NALHOBER
Did anybody get ahold of the local?

HARRY
Bob, we had a deal. You take the money. I'm warning you. That's all you're taking out of here.

BOB
You're warning me? You are one dumb peon.

A MARSHAL
Shots fired! Shots fired! I got him!

NALHOBER
Could you tell your boy to cease fire before he kills us?

ALTON
Cease fire! Sir, we got us an officer in there. What are we going to do?

NALHOBER
Admire him, son. That is one big-dicked cop.

ALTON
Officer down!

NALHOBER
Holy hell! Somebody kill me one of them bastard.

BOB
Come on, lover.

HARRY
Oh, Jesus.

CHAPPY
Well, here's a surprise.

HARRY
You all right?

CHAPPY
Don't you worry about me. I've been hurt worse today.

HARRY
Oh, Chappy. Chappy, I want you to know, I'm not trying to rob the bank.

CHAPPY
That's good to know. I'd hate to think I got shot trying to stop a bank robbery.

HARRY
You're going to be okay? I think I can take him.

CHAPPY
I'm a bit confused.

BOB
I love small towns.

Scene 43- The chase

WAYNE
Hey, get in!

BOB 
Damn it!

WAYNE
What now?

HARRY
Hit the brakes!

NALHOBER
You stay here with the local.

WAYNE
He's shooting! Turn! Jesus on a cracker.

NALHOBER
We are in pursuit of a late-model tow truck pulling an early-model recreational vehicle. We're traveling east on Farm Road.

ALTON
Uh, Farm Road- Farm Road, uh-

CHAPPY (Over radio)
1832, but you don't want to go that way. 1832 makes a big lazy loop east. Instead, you fellas oughta take 2886 South, and I'll head 'em to you.

HARRY
I'm trying to get up there!

CHAPPY
Ely, you still workin' that east parcel?

ELY
Hey, Chappy.

CHAPPY
I need a favor. You mind drivin'? I'm feelin' a little light-headed.

JOE
Look! Shooting them is not going to make this truck go any faster. But dumpin' 'em will. Now, I want you to take the wheel.

HARRY
Joe!

JOE
Steven! What are you doing?

HARRY
I'm trying to save you.

JOE
Well, cut it out! I'm trying to save you-- if I don't kill you first.

HARRY
Tractor!

BOB
Watch it! Go! Go! Go! Beautiful. Cops everywhere. Pull in there!

JOE
Oh, no. Not the pageant.

HARRY
So there!

WAYNE
Hey, the light is green!

BOB
Adios, amigo!

HARRY
You're all right? He hurt you?

Scene 44- The Pageant

A MARSHAL
Move! Move! Move!

NALHOBER
Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

BOB
That's real nice. What we got here is an old-fashioned Mexican stand-off.

MADISON
Don't you ever talk to me like that.

NALHOBER
Sic him!

Scene 45- Seizure

WAYNE
Hey, you guys are good. You're fast. I don't know what I run a forty. Phew. In those shoes- You guys are really good. (To Bob) That was for my girls!

NALHOBER
Hog-tie that convict prick!

A MAN
What was that all about?

CHAPPY
Escaped bank-robbing convict, and I'm dancin' with him. You know what they call that in my line of work? Retirement.

HARRY
Chappy, uh, I never meant--

CHAPPY
Yeah? But you did. That's what life's are for, right? Findin' out?

NALHOBER
Sheriff Dent? I just want to shake your hand. I wish there were more men like you in law enforcement. You're one big-dicked cop.

CHAPPY
Thank you.

MISS SCHAEFER
Oh my God! David.

WAYNE
Miss Schaefer, don't you worry about a thing. Okay. I love you.

MISS SCHAEFER
I love you, too, David.

WAYNE
Maddy! Maddy, I'm sorry. I'm not going to be able to hear your whole song, all right? I think you're a great kid! I like you a lot! Maddy! Maddy! Remember to keep the beat! And at the beginning, start soft. Start soft.

Scene 46- Texas Prison

MADISON (singing)
Shh. Shh. It's oh so quiet.
It's oh so still.
You're all alone-

WAYNE
Miss Schaefer! I love you, Miss Schaefer!

MISS SCHAEFER
Doreen. You can call me Doreen.

WAYNE
You could call me Wayne. Look. Look here what I done for you, sweetheart.

MISS SCHAEFER
Oh, Wayne. Wayne?

WAYNE
What's wrong, sugar darling?

MISS SCHAEFER
Look what I've done?

WAYNE
I love that woman.

HAPPY GIRLS (singing)
And so peaceful until-
You ring a bell. Bam, bam.
Shout, you yell: Hi, ho, ho.
You broke the spell. Gee, this is a swell.
You almost have a fit.
This guy is gorge and I got hit.
There's no mistake, this is it.
Till it's over and then-
It's nice and quiet.
Shh, shh.
But soon again-

HARRY
You look good.

JOE
There are very few things that I remember about my mother. But I do remember her telling me: 'Look out for boys. They have a way about 'em. Make you feel like fine crystal one minute, an old penny the next'. I didn't come down here for you. I came for me. I just want to know. All the time that we were together, all those things that you said, were they just so you could get into my bank?

HARRY
Joe. Joe! Please, Joe! Wait! Joe, I've been a screw up my whole life and I never thought twice about it, even in prison, not until you. You make me think about it. Don't make me come after you, they'll shoot me. My life up till now has been very fuzzy. Now the difference between what is truth and what is not truth has been a problem for me. Joe, there is nothing fuzzy about what I feel for you.

JOE
You know, you spoke better when you were gay.

HARRY
I want you to know, if you think it'll help I'm willing to try that.

JOE
Please, don't.

HARRY
Will you forgive me?

JOE
Not right now, no. But I've got three to five to think about it, don't I?

HARRY
Good behavior, out in twenty-two months.

JOE
D'you think you're capable of good behavior?

HARRY
If you give me the chance, I could be very, very good. Perfect.

HAPPY GIRLS
You blow a fuse. Zing, boom.
The devil cuts loose. Zing, boom.
So what's the use- wow, bam - of falling in love.
The sky caves in, the devil cuts loose.
You blow, blow, blow, blow, blow your fuse. Aah!
When you're falling in love. Shh!

Scene 47- Maui

STEVEN
Yes, yes. I'm here. I want to report a stolen recreational vehicle.

DAVID
Very expensive. Brand-new.

STEVEN
Very expensive. And I'm very upset. It's brand-new. It is brand-new and I'm very upset. Yes, I will. I will. Okay, he is transferring me to a detective.

DAVID
Oh, Christ.

STEVEN
I wish you would stop talkin' and yappin' away when I'm trying to do this, okay? If you want to do it, you can do it.

DAVID
I should have done it.

STEVEN
Well, then, don't sit and talk about should've and would've.

DAVID
I can cry on cue, Steven.

STEVEN
Well, I am tryin' to cry and make it believable to him. I'm doin' the best I can.

=The End=