NOVELLO
Is that Lady Trentham? Lady Trentham? It's, uh- I'm William McCordle's cousin, Ivor. Ivor Novello.

LADY TRENTHAM
Yes, of course.

NOVELLO
May I introduce a friend of mine from California? Mr. Morris Weissman.

WEISSMAN
Hello. Hi.

NOVELLO
Uh, we were just wondering if we were headed in the same direction.

LADY TRENTHAM
I dare say we might be.

NOVELLO
Well, if- If everything seems to be all right-

**********

SIR WILLIAM
Ah. Hello, Ivor.

NOVELLO
Hello.

**********

NOVELLO
Hello, I'm Ivor.

MABEL
I know who you are. Mabel Nesbitt.

NOVELLO
Hello, Mabel.

MABEL
How are you?

NOVELLO
Very well, thank you.

MABEL
Oh! I don't smoke. Thank you.
Tell me what was Greta Garbo really like? Did you get to know her?

NOVELLO
Yes, I did, actually. She's coming to stay with me next month.

LADY TRENTHAM
Tell me, how much longer are you going to go on making films?

NOVELLO
I suppose that rather depends on how much longer the public want to see me in them.

LADY TRENTHAM
Yes, it must be hard to know when it's time to throw in the towel. What a pity about that last one of yours. What- what was it called? The Dodger.

NOVELLO
The Lodger.

LADY TRENTHAM
The Lodger. And it must be so disappointing when something just, you know, flops like that.

NOVELLO
Yes, it's rather disappointing.

**********

NOVELLO
Darling, I'm sorry about that. I should have made it clear that Morris just doesn't shoot.

LADY SYLVIA
Don't worry. William's just making a fuss. He has this ridiculous idea that Americans all sleep with guns under their pillow.

NOVELLO
They do, but they're more for each other than for killing birds.

LORD STOCKBRIDGE
Remind me. How are you related to William exactly?

NOVELLO
Our mothers were first cousins.

LORD STOCKBRIDGE
Don't believe I ever met William's mother. Didn't she do something rather original?

NOVELLO
Well, she was a teacher. And so was mine.

LORD STOCKBRIDGE
Oh, that's marvelous, isn't it?

NOVELLO
Yes.

**********

WEISSMAN
You're not gonna provide entertainment?

NOVELLO
That's how you got your invitation.

LADY SYLVIA
Oh, no, don't get up. Please go on. What is it? I don't recognize it.

NOVELLO
Just something I'm working on.

LADY SYLVIA
I can't imagine how one ever goes about inventing a tune. Where do you start?

NOVELLO
It's rather difficult to say.

LADY SYLVIA
Well, I think you're too clever for words.

WEISSMAN
How do you manage to put up with these people?

NOVELLO
Well, you forget that I earn my living by impersonating them.

**********

MABEL
No, I grew up in Leicester. My father had a glove factory.

NOVELLO
Really?

MABEL
One thing I do know is how a glove should fit.

FREDDIE
Really, darling. You're boring poor Mr. Novello to death.

NOVELLO
No!

**********

NOVELLO
Morning, Jennings.

JENNINGS
Are you shooting today, sir?

NOVELLO
I never shoot.

JENNINGS
Oh!

**********

NOVELLO
I do like gathering nuts in May.
If you've a dimple, it's very simple.
All you need is a smile that's sweet and shy
And sort of a twinkle in your eye.
Here I come gathering nuts in May.
When I detect 'em, I soon collect 'em.
They stand around me simply waiting to be picked.

**********

WEISSMAN
But since I was in England, I thought I would do a little research on county living and, um, Ivor was kind enough to arrange it for me.

NOVELLO
Mmm, no. William arranged it for you.

**********

LADY SYLVIA
Ivor, darling. Would it be awful of me to ask you to play something to cheer us all up a bit?

NOVELLO
Of course not.

LADY SYLVIA
Thank you. So sweet.

WEISSMAN
I've booked the first passage home. I'll be living on the phone till I set sail. I have to be in London tomorrow. So, if you prefer to stay, I can take a train.

NOVELLO
I'll give you a lift in my car.

WEISSMAN
Oh, thank you. You're providing a lot of entertainment for nothing.

NOVELLO
Morris, I'm used to it. Excuse me.
Somewhere there's another land different from this world below.
Far more mercifully planned than the cruel place we know.
Innocence and peace are there. All is good that is desired.
Faces there are always fair. Love grows never old nor tired.
We shall never find that lovely land of Might-Have-Been.
I shall never be your king nor you shall be my queen.
Days may pass and years may pass and seas may lie between.
We shall never find that lovely land of Might-Have-Been.
Sometimes on the rarest nights comes the vision calm and clear,
Gleaming with unearthly lights on my path of doubt and fear.
Winds from that far land are blown, whispering with secret breath.
Hope that plays her tune alone. Love that conquers pain and death.
Shall we ever find that lovely land of Might-Have-Been?
Will I ever be your king or you at last my queen?
Days may pass or years may pass, the seas my lie between.
Shall we ever find our lovely land of Might-Have-Been?

I seem to be the victim of a cruel jest.
It dogs my footsteps with the girl I love the best.
She's just the sweetest thing that I have ever known.
But still we never get the chance to be alone.
My car will meet her and her mother comes, too.
It's a two-seater, still her mother comes, too.
At Ciro's when I am free; at dinner, supper or tea,
She loves to shimmy with me and her mother does, too.
We buy her trousseau and her mother comes, too.
Asked not to do so, still her mother comes, too.
She simply can't take a snub. I go and sulk at the club.
And have a bath and a rub and her brother comes, too.
To golf we started and her mother came, too.
Three bags I carted when her mother came, too.
She fainted just off the tee. My darling whispered to me,
'Jack, dear, at last we are free.' But her mother came, too.

I can give you the starlight, love unchanging and true.
I can give you the ocean, deep and tender devotion.
I can give you the mountains, pools of shimmering blue.
Call and I can be all you ask of me.
Music in spring, flowers for a king;
All these I bring to you.
When I was young, my foolish fancies used to make a great mistake.
But now a little love, a little living has changed my ways
And taught me and brought me the joy of giving.
I can give you the starlight, love unchanging and true.
I can give you the ocean, deep and tender devotion.
I can give you the mountains, pools of shimmering blue.
Call and I can be all you ask of me.
Music in spring, flowers for a king;
All these I bring to you.

In B.C. 33 Ah, me! That's a dash long time ago.
There lived a Roman hero who had shaken hands with Nero.
And the history you shall know.
He was introduced to the king of Gaul, whoever that might be.
And crossing in galley with a Norman wench got pally
They went and founded me.
So if you wonder what a duke should be,
Just you take another look at me.
I'm doubty, I'm gouty, I'm wonderful to see.
All my people 'pon my soul it's true.
Look on Noah as a parvenu.
By gad, you can search your family tree,
But you'll never find a duke like me.
When old Canute was buying fruit one day, so runs the tale.
A young convicted felon brought him a juicy melon.
And was then released from jail.
This noble youth to tell the truth,
Sailed right away to sea.
And the Duke of Malta's daughter brought up his shaving water.
And the grand result was me.
So if you wonder what a duke should be,
Just you take another look at me.
I'm doubty, I'm gouty, I'm wonderful to see.
All my people 'pon my soul it's true.
Look on Noah as a parvenu.
By gad, you can search your family tree,
But you'll never find a duke like me.
So if you wonder what a duke could be,
Just you take another look at me.
I'm doubty, I'm gouty, I'm wonderful to see.
All my people 'pon my soul it's true.
Look on Noah as a parvenu.
By gad, you can search your family tree,
But you'll never find- you'll never find- you'll never find a duke like me.

We're both undoubtedly sane.
We're not so horribly plain.
Something is wrong, but who can tell us what.
There's no accounting for taste.
It seems a terrible waste.
Nothing can help us. We have not that vital spark we should have got.
Why isn't it you?
Why must we miss a chance like this when chances are few?
You've got the size of eyes I idolize.
Your arms invite a glamorous night.
What am I to do? Why isn't it you?
You don't react when I attract. What am I to do?
You've got the lips for me, the hips for me, the feet for me and the beat for me.
So tell me why, why isn't it you?
Why isn't it you?
Why must we miss a chance like this when chances are few?
You've got the size of eyes I idolize.
Your arms invite a glamorous night.
What am I to do? Why isn't it you?
You don't react when I attract what am I to do?
You've got the lips for me, the hips for me, the feet for me and the beat for me.
So tell me why-

**********

PROBERT
Couldn't I just make him a little more comfortable, sir? Please?

NOVELLO
Have a heart, Inspector.

**********

LADY TRENTHAM
So, we're to be treated to another day of Mr. Weissman shouting down the telephone.

NOVELLO
He has some problems with his work in Los Angeles, I'm afraid.

LADY TRENTHAM
Well, I must say, he conducts his affairs very oddly.

**********

HENRY
Good morning.

NOVELLO
Good morning.

Directed by Robert Altman.
Written by Julian Fellowes, based on the idea by Robert Altman and Bob Balaban.