| james' bio |
| This story has been copied from the January2002 issue of the Northern Light. TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENT EXPOSED (Minneapolis) AP- This morning, the Office for Disclosure of Defunct Secrets revealed an interesting experiment conducted during the darkest days of the Cold War. Using Jim Henson Studios as a front company, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), National Aeronautics and Space Adminstration (NASA) and the Betther Business Bureau (BBB) callaborated in an effort to create a "superhuman puppet." "The objective of this project was to splice the submissive nature of a puppet with the superhuman strength of aliens and the intelligence of a spy," said ODDS spokesman Gordon Briggs. "The project produce only one 'human' speciman." Briggs refused to disclose further infromation concerning the "speciman." However, when pressured and offered CA$1,000,000,000 (roughly equivalent to US$0.38) said that, "The speciman is alive and living. He is currently a student a small relgious university in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He doesn't know his orgins. Dr. Ralph Elias Rosengarten, corridinator of Project PuppetMan, has recently contacted the speciman.: Rosengarten held a press conference on Tuesday wiith speciman. The speciman is a Children's Ministry major at North Central University. His name is James Ryan Stambaugh. Jim, as he prefers to be known, said that, "I feel like my whole life has been a lie. My family lied to me. I just want to meet my real family," he said with tears running down his cheek. A reunion has been scheduled for Jim and his progenators for sometime next week. The ashes of Jim Henson will be present. "I just wish I could have met him. I know exactly how he felt. We both can't quite relate well with people. Puppets are our friends. They are the ones who brought me through the rough times in my life. "I started to fall into the wong crowd, Mr. Snuffaluffagous and Big Bird were constantly trying to get me to snort some coke. But, it was my dad's puppets, puppets like Kermit the Frog and Ralph the Dog who brought me through those times. I only wish I knew he was my dad. I have learned so much." When asked about his other fathers, Robert Hanson and E.T. Jim had nothing but nice things to say. "They are both great guys. However,I am going to have to wait a long time till I will get to see them." Hanson is set to be released from federal custody in 2056. E.T. is expected to return to Earth when, "Steven Spielberg pays back the debt he owes. me. I made him. He doesn't even send me a Christmas card," said E.T. One thing that may seem left out is who Jim's mother is. That answer is simple: Cher. As a result of carrying the progeny of such a wide array of genes, Cher turned out the way she did. "I don't ever want to meet her. Her music sucks," said Jim. The reunion will be the first time Jim has been with a puppet on hand in nearly 11 years. Rosengarten commented, "Sure we messed with nature but there's a happy ending. And that's the moral of the story." -Andy Rogers |